To think current concerns over screen time is bordering hysteria

[Tiredboymum22]

I think it’s over the top.

If my kids didnt have screens, nothing would get done. I’m mostly solo parenting. Family can’t babysit, husband works late 6 days a week. Childcare costs are through the roof.

I have a 6-year-old with ASD and a very hyperactive toddler. Eldest is obsessed with numbers and Minecraft, uninterested in his little brother a lot of the time. Up at 4.30 am most mornings too. I give my toddler the tablet when I’m trying to cook or tidy up (once he’s done playing with his toys).

I am criticised by older members of my family and told I should let him “help me” cook. Sorry but no.

Now I’m seeing countless articles and comments about the harm of too much screen time, but I think people are missing a lot of nuance.

aibu?

🤣 and the cats will do the sewing/patchwork in front of the roaring fire, regaling us of adventures in the wild.

I did. I worked 60 hours weeks, 3 children, 2 of them ND (1 severe) and DH often worked away for weeks at a time. The only way I managed was to get them to help. Bought a toddler set of knives so they could chop. They washed veg, stirred the pots, got ingredients out for me....

As babies id sit them on the floor with a pot, a potato and a wooden spoon and they had a whale of a time!

It really isn't a big task to get them to help. Loads of parents do it day in, day out. And as a bonus, you end up with kids that can cook so you don't have to do it every evening!

6 years old is young for a switch

I did often get the kids to help with cooking - but some meals hot fat and boiling water and clingy kids round feet are a hazard and some days everyone just too tried.

20-30 minutes in front of alpha blocks while you get something hard to do round kids done quickly so the rest of the day can be focused round them seemed then and seems now a good trade off.

It's very different to 10-12 hours in front of midless drivel on a screen as soon as kids can open their eyes which TBH I'd class as neglect. That's why many of us think there a huge amount of nuance being lost in this debate.

I think OP you just have to ignore the negativity and get on and do the best you can - same with most aspects of parenting.

I worked 3.5 days a week. One child with AuDHD, although they were actually my easiest in terms of getting absorbed in something while I cooked etc.

Now they are older I am so glad I didn’t give them a screen. It would have made everything so much harder.

What I can’t get my head around is that parents who give their children screens to keep them quiet are making their lives so much harder in the long run. It’s utterly daft.

I agree. However, I don't think it's helpful to conflate all 'screen time' (hate that phrase!) together.

There is a big difference between watching a high-quality TV series or film and mindlessly scrolling crap on TikTok. One develops concentration and focus skills and the other is rotting attention spans.

It's the same with the whole nonsensical hysteria around smartphones. They are just a tool- and can be used for good and bad.

Completely agree.
All DC gamed, had phones.
Now adults & nothing strange has happened to them!

If they’re adults now then I’m guessing they were born before 2007. So (I’m guessing), they weren’t given a phone or tablet as a toddler to keep them quiet.

They also probably weren’t scrolling TikTok reels or YouTube shorts when they were still in primary school.

It’s the early age at which children are kept quiet with phones and iPads these days that’s the problem.

A bit of gaming and tv is not the same as being exposed to highly addictive and attention-reducing content at a very young age.

Dd watched a lot of Stampy Longnose on YouTube.She was born in 2006.

It’s alright to say that when you have kids that will sit with a puzzle or colouring at the table for half an hour. My kids (and maybe it’ll get better when they’re a bit bigger) just bounce off the walls and don’t play well together yet (6 and 2) so it descends into arguments or the whole room will be turned upside down whilst my back is turned.

I try to limit screens to 20-30 minutes whilst I cook tea and then maybe winding down with a Disney movie together some evenings etc but it’s still somethings which, in small doses, makes life immeasurably easier in my house!

Wind back 20 years, no screen time!

@NaneePolly

DS1 was born in 1998 and there were no tablets or smartphones when he was a toddler (which in glad about).

However, there was TV (albeit only five channels as we didn't have Sky and there was no free view), video tapes and dial up internet. A lot of people don't realise even those in their late 20s grew up very differently.

It's about moderation. Ours spends time online and gaming, but also every chance possible on his bike, skateboard, days out with mates exploring miles and miles of countryside. I do not begrudge him screen time. It's part of modern life and a healthy way to connect with friends and be creative. During COVID that connection with his friend group kept them all sane thank God. I think girls (generally) had it much harder.

Unless a parent removes themselves from screens, it's very hard because kids watch what you do, not what you say.

Removing screens from kids who've grown up with them all be really hard.

The issue is that when children are dysregulated they do not have the capacity to learn so you can't teach them how to self regulate.

Self regulation happens as a developmental milestone.

The goal should be regulation first, then teaching them once regulated how to behave.

When we talk about neurodivergent kids they are in a state of crisis when they are dysregulated. Until you have to experience that sort of crisis, you won't understand that you will do whatever is in your power to de escalate that.

If a screen is the difference between my son self harming, risking thrashing his head back into a hard surface, scratching or biting his skin until it bleeds, and being in a place where we can touch our bodies and know we are safe and get our breathing back on track instead of gasping for air from crying, then that's what we do. Once he has calmed down, then we can talk about what triggered the emotional state and how we can avoid or work around those triggers in the future.

I only have to look back at past generations and see how his uncles and grandfather are medicated with benzos for displaying the same behaviour to realise that screens are the healthier option and actually do get us to a place where we can work on self regulation skills going forward. Adults expect so much of children that they themselves do not have the skills for without some sort of vice.

My children weren't born wanting to sit quietly with a puzzle. I had to train them to do it and understand that I need time to cook if they want to eat nice food. If the six year old chops the vegetables for you, the two year old won't have anyone to argue with.

I never understand people who don't want the kids involved in cooking (like in the OP where she says "no thanks"). Yes it takes a bit more work to get dinner done originally but it sets the kids up well. They see food prep as normal rather than convenience food, they're more likely to eat things they've been involved in making and it teaches them skills they need later.

DD (4) loves to help chop and mix, she likes to get things I need out of the cupboard, she's learned how to measure a spoon of things (herbs, sugar, etc). She knows what ingredients are, and for some of the things I cook regularly she already knows what we need to get out and how much to put in. It keeps her busy and we both feel like we've had some time together.

I mean if I'm frying and fat is spitting everywhere or I've got four pans on the go, and DD is in a tired grump after nursery then maybe it's easier for her to read, colour or play, but mostly she helps.

Hard agree with this.

I got my son a set of plastic knives when he was 18m. He chops, chucks things in the slow cooker, stirs the pan. Making food is just a normal part of his life at 2.5.

His father was waited in hand and foot by his mum, and he struggles with cooking and finds it stressful. Same with lots of basic life tasks tbh. He's not a bad person, but you can tell he was babied.

(I came down to a real palaver once when my MIL was trying to spoon feed my son at 14m. "I don't think he likes what you made." Once I took the spoon and bowl off her and gave them to my son, he polished off the lot.)

I cook a lot with my children, and always do this at the weekend. But not on the four days a week where no one is in before 5.30 but we're trying to get dinner on the table for 6. In the same way as I often let them 'help' me with hoovering, or cleaning - but there are also times where I just want to get it done, fast.

We all have those days, but it doesn't change that they could throw the pasta in the pan or set the timer or clear the table (because how many of us use the table as a dumping ground), get the cheese out, take the beans out of the cupboard, put out the salt and pepper.

And again, it takes a bit of time the first few times of you giving instructions but it'll just become second nature after a bit where you'll say "it's ABC for dinner" and they'll get to their jobs.

As far as I know, having worked with eye professionals, use of screens does not have a detrimental impact on your vision. It can cause eye strain short term.

I believe gaming does have a negative impact on attention. However, kids with ADHD are more likely to be drawn to gaming and the dopamine reward, which makes it much harder to manage their screen use. I think parents of neurotypical children don't realise how difficult this is. Sometimes screen use is preferable to the alternative, which is a chaotic household with stressed out parents and siblings.

If my kids were free to play out safely in the street (just like I did in growing up in the 1980s) they would not be so reliant on screens. Also, demands placed on parents are generally greater now.

Incidentally, I also had free access to television and later computer and games consoles growing up. I don't remember my screen use being restricted at all.

They do set the table - but I am responding to the amazement that anyone 'doesn't want the kids involved in cooking'. I don't always want them to be.

Also, am I reading right that you have one small child? I'm sorry to tell you that the stage where they absolutely love helping doesn't last forever, even if it's a regular habit.

I'm very aware it won't last forever, she might be my only child but I have an enormous family and a lot of children have come and grown up. However, while she enjoys it I will be teaching her the skills she needs for life, because even when she's a teenager grunting at me and slamming her bedroom door, those skills will still be in her.

But thanks for trying to shatter my illusions, it's always nice to do that for people.

And just because they don't 'love' helping, doesn't mean they don't do it. My 16yo cooks dinner once a week (with a groan). My 12yo disabled DC cooks dinner once a week with help. My 7yo cooks dinner once a week with supervision (and any boiling water straining or similar done by me). And DH and I share the rest. Similarly with housework, they all pitch in. Only the 7yo still 'loves' it, but they know to contribute to the running of the household. Makes life easier for me & DH and means we can confidently send them into the world when they're adults (except the middle one because of disability).

Put the effort in young and the benefits are huge. Don't and it is much harder later.

Same with screen time, set limits young and the benefits are huge. Don't and the DC suffer long term.

I always have people (I'm going to be honest here, mostly other women my kind of age plus and very sexist old men) be amazed that I can do my own car maintenance. My dad wouldn't let me learn to drive til I could, because he considers them essential skills. TBH he's right, I don't actually routinely do them myself now because DH loves an afternoon tinkering with the cars, but I can, if I'm out and about and need to.

It's the same principle. I don't involve DD in the cooking to make my life easier, it would be SO MUCH easier to plonk her in front of a screen or something. I do it to teach her how to be a functional human. It's my job as her parent to teach her what she needs to know to become a decent, functional adult.

Exactly.

Kids don’t just happen to be the type who’ll sit and do an activity. You have to encourage it.

The problem is, if the PP’s youngest at 2 is already needing a screen to sit quietly for 20 mins, she’ll never learn how to do this.

Her life is about to get a whole lot worse.