Friend coming down hard on me for lack of communication

[Uhohhouse]

I have a friend with whom about 90% of our relationship is on WhatsApp as we live in opposite ends kf the country. From time to time I will drop off communication wise and only be able to manage a quick emoji response or one liner, and i think this is because I have a partner and also live with extended family: it means that I am constantly engaging with people non stop whereas she lives alone.
Last week I got a rap on the knuckles for "dropping off the radar" and I apologised for making her feel neglected. The truth was I was having a hit of an extended christmas and there was loads of family visits happening and then me and DP went on a week-long roadtrip.

I ca t help but feel resentful though. On the one hand I DONT want her to feel neglected but on the other hand I dont have this issue with any other friends.

Has anyone had something similar?

Just what I was thinking.
Nurture your friendship or lose it OP!

I had a very good friend who was just like this. We became friends when we were both single, worked together, and had most of our social outings together. It was a very intense friendship, with some of that new friendship “crush” energy. Lots of long, intense talks, heart to hearts, and soul baring. In lots of ways it was a very positive, fun time, in which I think we helped each other through a lot.

Life changed, we both got different jobs, both became less interested in going out. We stayed in close contact, but the demands for connection became more and more demanding. I needed to call several times a week for long conversations, or risk upsetting her, even if I had nothing to say or different and equally important moments in my life that were demanding a lot of my attention.

In all honesty, it felt as if my friend wanted the emotional intensity of a new romantic relationship, but from a friend. Realising that I hadn’t called her for a few days made me feel incredibly stressed, rather than experiencing the warm anticipation of speaking to someone with whom you have a happy, healthy relationship.

I really sympathise, and I don’t have any solutions. My friend struggled to spend time by herself (even when in relationships), and I think that she found it very difficult and took it very personally when people had to prioritise other things in their lives above the friendship. We talked a lot about it and her insecurities, but this was ultimately something that she had to fix for herself. I think the hardest thing was for her to really internalise the truth (that I was busy but nevertheless still deeply cared for her) rather than her fears (that I was snubbing her and no longer cared for her), and she needed the constant contact to feel reassured.

If you have an otherwise good friendship then maybe you could talk to your friend and try to discover what emotions, negative thoughts or fears she’s experiencing when she doesn’t hear from you. Perhaps there’s a way for her to gradually come to see that your friendship is strong, and that her fears are unfounded.

Mind you don't cut yourself on those ironclad rules

That sounds far too needy. She needs to do more where she lives to connect with people.

🙄

From a normal neuro type pov I do understand it. I think for most people there was obviously an expectation of normal back and forth communication and for most it would be considered rude not to engage or reply.

From my own ND POV, it should be that simple but it's something I massively struggle with. I don't know how I got this way. Back in the old days of MSN I was the teen who would talk to anyone and everyone all the time. I lived for it. Though maybe in hindsight it's because it was new, and exciting. In the 80/90s you were lucky to have a landline (fun fact when I was born we didn't, my granddad had to go to a phone box to tell the hospital my mum was in labour ) it wasn't unusual back then to only really communicate in-person or via letter (oh the lost art). I think part of me gradually over the years has come to hate the expectation I should be 100% available 100% of the time. Which in turn has perhaps made me retreat back in terms of communicating.

I also have a terrible habit of seeing a message whilst doing something else and then being completely distracted to the point where I forget to reply. I hold my hands up, it's a shit thing to do. And actually my bf did bring this up recently as I had been "reacting" to his messages but nor replying and he genuinely thought he'd done something to piss me off and that did honestly make me take stock of how what I've done actually affects others or hurts others in ways I never intended, so I am trying to make a conscious effort to be better and more attentive

I also do admit that of someone in my life isnt around me all the time or present in a way, i in a way forget they exist. Which sounds as terrible as it is. It's not that I don't care or love those people. I 100% do but for my brain it honestly at times is a case of "out of sight out of mind". ☹️ And whilst for me that doesn't feel bad per say I feel so guilty for the people in my life who are normal and do miss people in the normal way. My brain doesn't register it. I hate the fact that when I lost my grandad who I saw all the time, I grieved so heavily and badly, and yet with losing my Grandma 20+ years later it didn't feel like the same intense grief, not because didn't love her but simply down to the fact I didnt get to see her as often.

On the flip side my best friend of 20+ years understand me and accepts the way I am. She's also ND. We can literally not message or talk for weeks but the instant we meet up wwe pick back up exactly where we left off with no animosity in-between. And whilst we might not message we do still "communicate" thought it's more the whole pebbling thing (I saw this and it made me think of you kind of thing).

If I ran the world, I’d have a system for sorting people into compatible friendship categories.

I’d interview people to establish what their expectations were in terms of frequency and preferred medium of contact, emotional depth, ideal friendship group cohort, etc.

All the people who need instant replies to their texts, constant contact, and quasi-romantic intensity and exclusivity could be introduced to likeminded people for total emotional merger and regular, anguished, impassioned ‘state of the relationship’ summits on the themes of effort and commitment and betrayal and abandonment.

All the ‘good vibes only’ folks who just want going-out friends could be provided with a super fun gang for no-strings bottomless brunch / clubbing / etc.

All the ‘private people’ who feel acutely threatened by the prospect of being asked casually what they got up to at the weekend could be assigned to activity groups according to their special interests, and parallel play together in silence without ever having to communicate about anything but the task at hand.

All the people who habitually feel maliciously excluded by people in whom they have zero interest, whom they reflexively avoid, and with whom they can’t bring themselves to make eye contact (but who they nonetheless imagine should be making a massive effort to include them) could be assigned to all the overbearing people who need someone placid to dominate under the guise of ‘mentoring’.

And everyone else could happily get on with sending one another daft memes every couple of weeks and meeting up once a year.

If you’re a passenger- why not enjoy the company of the person you’re with.
if I am away with my husband/ friend/ whoever- I am with them- being present matters.

I think she’s more invested in the friendship than you are and that can feel hurtful when you’re that person. If she also doesn’t have much of a social life or many other friends it will impact her a lot more.

I can see both sides because I think I’ve been both people at different times in my life. When you’re very busy and as you say, have a lot of people around you so have already spoken about your day then obviously it isn’t as crucial you reply to that friend on WhatsApp asking about your day. If you’re a bit lonely though, maybe opening up to you is her outlet.

I mean, in stark contrast yesterday I messaged a friend of mine who also lives hundreds of miles away. We last spoke around 3 weeks ago and she replied "I was just thinking about you! Could do with your input on something". She then sent me an invite to her birthday party plus a long VM. I also sent her a long VM. Neither of us replied to each other bevause knowing us, we listened to our respective VMs and will get back to each other on maybe Sunday eve or something with our thoughts.
Nobody is sore that there's been no comms in nearly a month.
Nobody's sore that the VMs we just sent werent replied to instantly.
Crucially, nobody doubled down by then sending shit loads more VMs despite the first one still being unanswered.

I think people on here seem to think that those of us who dont like feeling harangued = superficial party people with zero depth or intimate friendships. That's not true. We are just people who feel like friendship should be caring but shouldn't be like being a carer.

It's totally fine that you want different things to her and that you need less intense communication but you seem to have struggle to understand why she might need more from her friends than you do and that actually living alone without a partner or family around is very different to your set up and might feel quite lonely or isolating. It's fine to tell her it's not working for you obviously but it's also good to have some empathy as to why she might feel differently.

I think there genuinely is two types of friend (probably more in between that, shades as it were): those who need to be in constant contact and those who love their friends but don't need to speak every day to feel close.

I have so many friends who I don't speak to for weeks (one is months and that's because on both sides we go a bit quiet) but when we pick up it's like no time has passed. Then we go quiet again. This works perfectly for me.

Then there's my friend who I love dearly but she does drain me because she always NEEDS me. Always. And I seem to be the friend she trusts the most so what I get is all the drama whereas her other friends get her more surface level "happy happy, cheery" self. And she needs me to respond, quickly. I haven't always got the bandwidth (or sometimes I might actually be busy at work and not even SEEN the messages yet, never mind had chance to message back).

Ultimately, unless your compatible in what you need, it's hard for at least one party, no matter how much you care about them.

"I have so many friends who I don't speak to for weeks (one is months and that's because on both sides we go a bit quiet) but when we pick up it's like no time has passed. Then we go quiet again. This works perfectly for me."

I have these kinds of friends, but I ALSO need one or two I see more regularly, once or twice a week when I'm single. These will be friends who live closer though. I think you do have to accept that if one person moves away, things won't be quite the same and you have to make a life for yourself in the new place (or the old place with your friend gone).

This is lovely and I know lots of people are like this. I have a few 'hands off' friends and I will mimic their comms. However, it's not my friendship style, i need a bit more and wonder what people are doing/if they're ok etc..

And since I've been single, more so tbh. I try not to act on it tho for fear of being annoying/too needy.

OP, it's possible your friend is a bit lonely or just has more free time than you? Does the former make you feel any differently?

I lost a good friend over this, I was the bad non replying friend. In my defence I was quite unwell and got myself in a bit of brain fog but I could've tried harder. When I realised I made several apologies but she cut me off.

Tbh I don't really miss her, bc if we went out I always seemed to be listening to her issues and rarely shared mine, but she was a good person and deserved better.

I think the fact you don't miss her probably means that, as good a person she was, she didn't add to your life in the way a good friend does. It's not all on you x

See, this seems to me more typical for a far-away friend. I have many friends like this, and given they all have many friends as well, that level of contact works great for us, because we probably leave voice-messages and touch base with these friends in rotation. I have many friends at this level of friendship, so am pretty much doing this with someone at some time, but not the same person each time if that makes sense.

Friends who live locally, I love to see pretty frequently, once a week or whatever, but that's very dependent on people's schedules. I also call one of my local friends once a week or every two weeks if we don't get together in person.

I speak to my mum most days so perhaps that 'going on about what you had for dinner' is filled there (as well as by partner).

I don't think any style is wrong, but once a friend feels like burden or you start to not want to contact them, it's not good news for the friendship.

I don't know what to suggest, I just know I couldn't be pressured into more contact, as I don't have any more to give to any friendship than I am already giving, as I'm a pretty good friend!

To @FlyHighLikeABird ’s point about friends starting to feel like a burden, I think this is the thing.

It’s not a bad thing in and of itself to want more intensity from a friendship. But if someone starts demanding it, and constantly asking me if I’m mad at them, or wanting endless heart to heart chats about our communication, or getting the hump if they feel like I’m prioritising other things over them, or accusing me of being lazy or selfish or neglectful - that’s when it becomes a burden. And these days I will run for the hills at the first glimmer of this sort of behaviour.

The trouble with this type of person, though, is that even though they seem to think it is my actual job to be available to them however and whenever they want, they won’t sack me, or even put me on probation, and I’m not allowed to resign. The friendship becomes an endless series of disciplinary meetings where I’m constantly told all the ways in which I am disappointing them and how they deserve better and I’ll need to spend the rest of my life grovelling in atonement.

My sense is that this is fundamentally the relational need such people have - to refuse to let anyone leave their lives, and keep reprimanding them forever for not being their perfect obedient service animal.

If a man did this to a woman in an intimate partner relationship we’d instantly recognise it as a major red flag for coercive control.

Yes and eventually i had go block this person as they were draining the lifeblood out of me.it was relentless demands for attention.

I am audhd too, and everyone drains my energy to a greater or lesser degree. Hence it being a social communication issue.
You might not be drained by talking to your best friend, but what about if it was a different friend who wanted more from you than you could comfortably give and wanted it often ??

I don't have 3 different opinions on the subject, so I'm not sure what you're talking about.

I read your post yesterday and by chance a mum friend who I’ve known for a few years did something similar to me. We ended a WhatsApp conversation on Tuesday afternoon about something. She then sent me a blanket. How are you? Sort of message on Thursday and when I hadn’t replied, she chased it up.

I probably sound like a petulant teenager, but I do not need to be chased to reply to someone. I’m trying to set boundaries and it’s becoming obvious that I need to. All of my others friends would accept if someone didn’t reply, it’s because they are busy. Mobile phones have made us like Doctors always on call.

I want to try and keep this friendship, but the petulant teenager with me now wants to call it a day because I don’t think I want a friend who chases replies.

I’m going to follow this thread - I would like to know how you get on with this friend.

I know logically this makes sense. But I sometimes (not all the time!) I feel my attentions is pulled around so much with the competing demands of work and family etc that responding to WhatsApps just feels overwhelming. Sometimes my social beans are entirely depleted.

The other thing that can happen is that if you don’t reply immediately (eg as with people so rude to be on phone), you then forget!

So I don’t agree that failure to respond (sometimes) necessarily = not caring about the relationship.

Then explain it to her. ‘Sorry you’re feeling abandoned, I don’t mean to do that but sometimes life becomes very overwhelming due to x and x and y and I just don’t have the mental space or the time, frankly, to be texting all the time. It’s not personal but i’m not going to burn myself out because you demand a response when I don’t have the time to give you one. I’m sure you can understand that. ’

I say this as someone who’s best mate ‘drops of the radar’ for weeks/ a month at a time. She’s just reached critical mass and that’s fine with me.

Did you explain the problem?