Friend coming down hard on me for lack of communication

[Uhohhouse]

I have a friend with whom about 90% of our relationship is on WhatsApp as we live in opposite ends kf the country. From time to time I will drop off communication wise and only be able to manage a quick emoji response or one liner, and i think this is because I have a partner and also live with extended family: it means that I am constantly engaging with people non stop whereas she lives alone.
Last week I got a rap on the knuckles for "dropping off the radar" and I apologised for making her feel neglected. The truth was I was having a hit of an extended christmas and there was loads of family visits happening and then me and DP went on a week-long roadtrip.

I ca t help but feel resentful though. On the one hand I DONT want her to feel neglected but on the other hand I dont have this issue with any other friends.

Has anyone had something similar?

I am ‘bad’ at getting back to people and it’s because I work long hours and don’t take personal calls/messages in day and evenings are spent walking dog, cleaning, cooking and occasionally I find time to watch a film and relax and I put phone away as I have been on it all day for work and also I like off screen time due to migraines. There’s loads of reasons why someone can’t text back as much. Some people are introverted and hate being attached to their phone 24-7 feeling obliged to reply within a given time frame as it feels like admin not communication. I much prefer face to face time.

I get it. I love seeing friends in person but I hate ongoing text conversations. I only really want to text to make plans to see each other or talk on FaceTime if it’s one of my longer distance friends.

Honestly I spend enough time on my phone between work and kids and life admin.

And?. You're in the wrong. Not understanding friendships.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. I had this with a friend a few months ago who seemed to erase all the many many times I’d been there for her when I wouldn’t text for a couple of weeks. We both have kids, they were sick, work was full on - sometimes life is just busy but you want to be judged on your whole friendship and knowing that you can be there for each other when you need it. I don’t expect my friends to always be replying to me, if they can’t I assume they’re busy. It takes a lot for me to then not follow up after a few weeks or try and arrange something. I think it’s a bit demanding tbh. Though worth checking she’s not going through anything else atm as that can sometimes make the best of us behave differently!

Regardless of busyness, if you don't feel inclined to contact her as regularly as she wants, it's because you don't have the same expectations/needs, either of this friendship or of friendship in general. That's nobody's fault & not to be guilt-tripped over, either by her or here! She can either get used to how you are or dump you; you can either push yourself a bit more out of your comfort zone, manage her expectations with an explanation like you've put here, ignore her sometimes, or withdraw entirely. All are valid imo! I have friends who message all the time; I'm not wired that way so I just don't always respond. If one of them told me off, I'd feel they'd got me a bit wrong, and would probably leave it on read. If they pushed for a conversation about it I'd say - I care about you but people's communication styles are different and high volumes of messages are just not how I operate, at least at the moment.

I've had almost exactly the same situation - me being very busy with family, Christmas, travel and various commitments whereas my friend lives alone, rarely leaves the house, has no family and doesn't drive. She'd send long emails and talk on the phone for literally hours. If we wanted to meet, I'd have to drive over to hers - about an hour each way. Over Christmas, I was just too busy and told her I couldn't manage a two- hour phone call. She then said our friendship was no longer 'right for her'. She just didn't seem willing to compromise.

Please keep the excuses like this coming, it’s honestly hilarious.

OP, I have dropped a friend recently who would text constantly whilst I was working (despite me asking him not to), then in the evening he’d instigate long chat texts about nothing important, even if I spent hours in person with him that day (our dogs are best friends so we walked a lot). I explained I am busy, I don’t like being glued to phone, that I need off screen time etc and he would not stop. He was lonely I think but I really need space so why should my needs come second to his? Anyway, it drove me mad to the point he’d text and I’d feel instantly annoyed. Some friends are too needy and take too much. If your friend is making you feel this way, I can tell you I am so glad I ended my friendship. It was exhausting.

If people aren’t making the effort you’d like them to make, they are not invested to the extent you are. It is that simple. They just don’t want the same intensity of contact with you than you do with them. Nobody’s done anything wrong, it just happens! To everyone!

The difference is that some of us are able to let go, rather than insisting on holding someone’s nose to the grindstone of a friendship they’d rather let drift, while feeling increasingly bitter about it all being one-sided.

It boggles my mind that it takes decades for people to understand they have the option of ‘matching other people’s energy’ - and yet it’s thought of as some cunning and spiteful form of punishment, rather than basic social attunement.

I feel like I need to defend OP on this, some people are on the introverted side and get exhausted with too much social interaction, I do. If I lived with a partner and extended family I’d struggle to have social battery left to text friends back. My friends know to expect replies late unless it’s urgent.

It’s super clear how you feel, I don’t know why you bothered asking MN. If you find her so tiresome then send her this thread and you’ll never have to worry about her bothering you again.

Nah, she’ll want to have a heart to heart about it and endlessly express her feelings of hurt and apply the thumbscrews for an apology.

That’s the whole issue. There is no shaking these people off. They will insist on having the friendship they want with you, with or without your consent

I'm the type of person that loves regularly checking in and chatting with friends. I find it really bizarre that people don't feel the same, or can't "find the time". I wonder if it's an extrovert thing? A couple of my friends have said to me they don't feel the need to chat so regularly, I just accept it and get on with texting the ones who are chatty, I wouldn't give them a hard time over it!

I think you just don't want or need that much contact with this person and that's okay.

Neither of them are in the wrong. They just have different needs from the friendship, which happens.

People have different styles of friendship, they have different lives, different energy levels and different preferences for how to keep in contact.

It's ok to have a different need to someone else. Does t make OP "in the wrong". Or her friend.

I find it really bizarre when people think it's bizarre that people have different personalities and needs....

Okay, sure.

Genuinely how do you have time to get anything else done? I love my best friend but this would take too much mental and emotional energy for me, I couldn't sustain it. And I'd feel like I was on my phone all day.

I'm glad it works for you but this thread is like learning about a parallel universe as I think I'm actually quite communicative compared to a lot of people. Apparently that's way off base.

I was giving the perspective of the over-enthusiastic texter, not playing word games.

I tried one and the trickle sound drowned out my voice. It may something to do with putting the phone on the edge of the bathtub. It's a good thing I didn't fart!

I didn't see this before, apologies.. nothing you have done here is wrong is it..

I guess have a frank talk. If it doesn't work, then only you can decide if you can give her the sort of friendship she wants (no shame if you can't) and only she can decide to take a day or two as no communication as rejection or not.

Made me chuckle a lot, cheers!

because in total its maybe 20 mins out of my whole day.. 30 would be pushing it.

While I'm stood waiting for the kettle to boil, or sat drinking my morning coffee, when i'm waiting to pick my teenagers up from college, or sitting eating my lunch/dinner.

It doesn't stop anything else being done, or delay anything, it's moments in the day when i'm not occupied and have a minute or two of not doing anything or i'm waiting for something.

ETA: in the evenings its like now. dinner is done, his kid is watching tv, mine are doing whatever teenagers do in their rooms, so we're chatting over dm about random shit. Today's topic is Squid Game which is what his kid has on, and his crappy meetings he had at work.

Type a few words and send a photo or video

I find it hard to believe that people actually believe that everyone else’s lives runs like theirs do.

my best friend lives a few doors away from me, we have been friends since I was 5 and she was 3. (Now both in our 40s) we both have kids, demanding jobs and demanding families. We barely speak week to week, and it’s mostly through snapchat. We know we both have busy lives, we know that sometimes it may takes hours, sometimes the next day before we reply, because even though we have read a message, we need to think about a reply, or maybe read it whilst doing something else and say in our heads what our reply is but actually forget to do it. (We have a yearly conversation on Facebook where she posted something on my wall and it took me a full year to reply and now we just add to it every year 😂.)

saying that I also have friends who would reply to me the second I send a message, they also know and accept that I am not the same.

I don’t want to have to think about things sometimes, and yes it might take me a few seconds or a few minutes out my day to send a message, but if I’m stressed, upset, angry or just tired, that might be more than my brain wants to deal with at that time.