Friend coming down hard on me for lack of communication

[Uhohhouse]

I have a friend with whom about 90% of our relationship is on WhatsApp as we live in opposite ends kf the country. From time to time I will drop off communication wise and only be able to manage a quick emoji response or one liner, and i think this is because I have a partner and also live with extended family: it means that I am constantly engaging with people non stop whereas she lives alone.
Last week I got a rap on the knuckles for "dropping off the radar" and I apologised for making her feel neglected. The truth was I was having a hit of an extended christmas and there was loads of family visits happening and then me and DP went on a week-long roadtrip.

I ca t help but feel resentful though. On the one hand I DONT want her to feel neglected but on the other hand I dont have this issue with any other friends.

Has anyone had something similar?

A person who can’t manage to infer that their friend who doesn’t reply swiftly to chatty, inconsequential messages is likely busy and/or not up for that level of contact, is going to need a hell of a lot explained to them.

And not everyone wants to take on that level of explaining.

Not least because someone who’s reached adulthood with a limited ability to read social cues or imagine what other people’s perspectives or experiences might possibly be - or indeed to understand that other people might have different experiences or expectations to their own - is likely to have some innate difficulties with social learning, IME.

Simply explaining your own perspective doesn’t work with such people, who will be puzzled by the idea of different perspectives altogether, or will simply conclude your perspective is wrong and set about correcting it.

If I took time to patiently explain everything about how social relationships work to everyone I encounter who finds them hard to understand, I wouldn’t have time for anything else.

Do one life update and forward to several people, if you find it all too time consuming. Otherwise explain that daily updates is too much for you due to your busy household and that you will catch up once or twice a week.
Anyway, how did you end up at opposite ends of the country? If she'd moved away, she may be lonely and if you moved away she may feel a bit abandoned.

I understand OP on this one to be honest. I'm not one for regular communication, never have been, and I find people who insist on it make me feel uncomfortable. We all have the right to live our lives the way we want to live them, and some people like privacy. I get that, I don't need to share everything with everyone all the time. I can understand too the comments about owning it, sure, but at the same time she doesn't have to give a life update every 3 days if she doesn't want to, and her friend needs to find someone who can match her energy and build her own support network separately. Nothing wrong with that.

OP, if it helps, I have a couple of very close friends I regularly send voice notes to once a week to update them on life and they respond on return. We call it the Tuesday Catch-up, and we take it in turns to give one another our updates on life, family, work, etc via a voice note and we are all clear it is a once a week thing so we still catch up, but in a way that suits everyone. Could you suggest that? She gets the communication, you get the distance and release the pressure, everyone is happy?

That is a lot of attention you're giving her.

She is very needy, and very unrealistic in expecting you to be available for her to interrupt your life whenever she needs conversation.

We teach children not to interrupt. If you - like me, on a typical day - have a list of stuff you need to get on with, no-one should expect you to drop it all and get on their timetable.

You really need to set her expectations for the future.

Bit harsh.

You could always do a voice message. They take seconds. I expect you find her a drag and don't feel you don't have a lot uncommon and therefore not able to understand your busy life. I am madly busy and have madly busy friends and they always make time to chat so I guess I am very lucky

I sort of understand where you're coming from, but they don't take seconds. They take as long as the update takes.

You can speed them up to 2 x and give the sender chipmunk voice.

But yes, voicenotes are the work of the devil.

I had a similar situation with a friend of mine who, like you, I had known for ages.

I got married, had kids, divorced, remarried and took on SDCs.

She remained in the same job, with the same semi-attached partner, all this time - as in, no major life changes.

Our pattern of getting together (we lived in different cities and she travelled a lot for work) was one that suited us well to start with, then got difficult, and then very onerous as my life circumstances changed. I kept trying to explain it to her, but she just didn't hear. Or didn't want the arrangement to change (it was one that massively benefitted her) .

In the end, it was her inability to hear what I was telling her, and modifying her behaviour in response, that meant the friendship ended.

If you've been trying to explain to your friend for years that you don't have the bandwidth for this intense style of communication and want it to change, and she is not hearing this.... 😩

As you put it earlier, why should her 'want' trump yours.

In the end, you either keep doing what you've been doing, and go with her want.
Or you go with your own want - put boundaries in place, enforce them, and absorb the consequent scoldings. But it sounds like you're gonna lose the friend anyway if she doesn't rein it in.

Nah she sounds jealous of you having a life by what you're saying after showing your WhatsApp conversation..you enjoy your life fgs and say to her if she says it again..no need to feel like that I was having few days with such and such why would you be neglected ..I'm replying now when I have time..do not let anyone dictate how your friendship should be..xx

It takes two seconds to respond to a message . We live in a world where where everyone is busy doing NOTHING

Just tell her you're busy when you are busy, but take the time to actually write that, keep it light. Doesn't take long, just a moment or two. I've friends up and down the country and abroad too and we catch up once or twice a week, just to say hi.

But then when you get some downtime, spend a little longer and have a whatsapp chat? Make her feel more connected. She clearly thinks a lot of your friendship and if you value it and her, just try and be a little more what she needs if she's feeling wobbly. That's what friends do isn't it? If you truly feel put out, then perhaps friendship isn't even and it's time to take a step back. Then she won't expect anything anymore.

Very harsh . . .

Is she a friend or an acquaintance? It takes minutes to have a WhatsApp catch up, or message and say I can’t call now, I’ll phone on …. I’m always happy to hear from friends. I think saying you’re too busy is just an excuse and can’t be bothered.

I would probably be like your friend. I understand no reply for a day or two but more than that I'd find a bit rude! How long does it take to text a reply? Everyone lives on their phone anyway!

Sounds like it's a job for the mate, all relationships need nurturing you can't just continually ignore mates it's a twattish thing to do.

Im inclined to agree with this. I have a ‘friend’ like you and she’s always busy, there is always so much more going on in her life than anyone else’s, she is always the most stressed and tbh… it’s an excuse to palm people off. You are able to find time to post on MN but you can’t reply to a txt message, it sort of sounds like an excuse. If you don’t want to be friends with her then don’t be, otherwise she likely feels like it’s a one sided friendship.

Doesn't sound like she's jealous at all to me!

If someone is constantly saying they’re too busy to talk to you, why can’t you take the hint? This is what I never understand.

If someone was taking pains to impress on me how terribly busy they were, and not replying to my messages, I wouldn’t think ‘well they’ve got a cheek! It’s all just a feeble excuse not to communicate with me! I won’t let them get away with it!’

I’d think, huh, maybe I’m coming on a bit strong. Or, maybe they’re just not that into me. And I’d back the fuck off. Not double down and take them to task.

I also don’t get this idea that nobody’s allowed to post on MN until they’ve diligently replied to every text message from their needy friends 🤣

Voicemail monologues are so tedious.

Not everyone

are you being ironic ?

I love voice notes from my friends! I love hearing their voices. I have two that send them, but it's probably only two or three times a year, we have a flurry of voice notes and then try to meet up once a year if possible. Both live abroad.

I had a friend like this. He lives in the US. We both had partner and kids, sometimes he would be single with full custody of kids and a couple of times so was I. We have been friends for 27 years. First 10 were great but then he slowly became unreliable. Then he'd be full on again. On and off.
I always put in effort regardless and he would go through stages where we would be in contact then go through stages where he was hardly replying if at all unless I gave a second message.
Finally this year I've had enough of feeling like the effort and friendship was one sided. I decided after reaching out 2x in 3 weeks to no response and watching him post on Facebook I'd had enough. This year one of my new resolutions was to match efforts. Stop feeling like certain relationships are all one sided and it's always me reaching out. So he has been the first to go this year. I just out of the blue blocked him on Facebook and phone number on my phone. Don't know if he's even noticed or cared because he has no other way of getting in contact, we did have a mutual friend but she ditched him years ago for similar so can't be through her. I am still friends with her she would be the only way he could have reached out, but I just can't be bothered with half assed "friends" anymore.

Same could happen to you. Takes 3 seconds to send a message it's not like a 3 hour phone call. Messaging to stay in touch is easy and takes such little effort.

maybe she loves you ? as a friend..be kind, don't judge