School say they're monitoring lateness now and I feel sick about it

[oBoltFire]

I cant stop thinking about this and feel really stupid for how upset I am but I need a reality check. At drop off this morning the teacher took me aside and said they need to “monitor lateness” because we’ve been late again today and its becoming a pattern. She wasnt horrible about it but it felt very formal and I could feel my face burning and my stomach drop. We are talking a few minutes late, not half an hour, but its happened more than it should. Mornings are honestly chaos here, I’ve got a baby who barely sleeps and needs feeding right when we should be leaving, a toddler who refuses shoes one minute and then melts down the next, no car so we walk it, and by the time we get out the door something always seems to go wrong. I know everyone has stuff going on and Im not special, but it really isnt from lack of trying or not caring. I already feel like I’m constantly failing at the school run and this just tipped me over. I cant shake the feeling they think I’m unreliable or neglectful or just not bothered, which couldnt be further from the truth. Sorry this is long, Im just replaying it over and over in my head and feeling sick with shame about it.

Am I overreacting to the word monitoring or is this actually serious? Does this lead to letters or fines or worse if it carries on? Has anyone else had this conversation with school and it came to nothing once things improved, or should I be genuinely worried about this now? I feel ridiculous for how anxious I am but I also cant tell if I should be taking this as a massive warning sign or not.

There is always some smart arse in these threads who say the most insensitive things.
This is you 👆

Op- a lot of us have been there. Life isn’t always plain sailing and every family looks different. Do as everyone says and try your best to get there a bit earlier. Re turning yourself inside out over this, please try and relax. Concentrate on the things you can do rather than why you can’t. Lack of sleep won’t be helping you and it sounds incredibly stressful for you .
Take care . X

I so wish I could help you out. Being a young mum is so hard! I am an old granny now but I remember those days as if it was yesterday! Could you reach out to your community or maybe another mum to give you some support in the morning? I used to be a teacher and this monitoring is a required routine by schools. It is not personal at all although I can imagine I would have felt the same as you did if I had been told my lateness was being monitored. In my days it wasn’t, we didn’t have the pressure young mothers face nowadays.
The toddler sounds like the one that needs to be cajoled somehow to get you to school on time. Could you promise him/her something to look forward to, like a special activity with you on the school run return? Good luck OP, you’ll get there.

Not very helpful...

Op, You could try winding all your clocks ten minutes forward....I really don't know how anyone gets 3 kiddos ready to get out of the house, and to a time schedule.

You're doing a great job, and on little sleep, it's really hard.

It will get easier....

My kids are a bit older now (but all 3 still in primary) and getting up earlier is the main thing here.. you are consistently a few minutes late - so you dont need much extra time - even 15 minutes would be a huge help by the sounds of it. We use timers so we have a 10 minute and 5 minute warning before we need to leave. I also do what ppl suggested and in my head we need to be there for 8.30 even though the gates dont open until 8.35. Also lower your standards for the little one - as long as they aren't hungry or wet they can get ready for the day when you get back from the school run.

Good luck!

If you are struggling overall, please reach out to your Health Visitor or Community Child Health Nurse/School nurse and any mother and toddler groups for support, your mental health matters too. Also chat to the teacher.

And like others have said - the two under school age don't need to be perfect prior to leaving the house - you can sort that when you've done the drop off.

OP I am so sorry you're feeling like this. Just wanted to say that I understand completely that panicky feeling when you are sleep deprived and already feeling on the edge, and then someone says something to you that starts a chain of thoughts that spiral a bit. I think when you have young kids (mine are now 14 and 8), things sometimes are just very very hard - and the fact that you are trying to make sure everyone is ok, happy and fed is amazing! Anyone who is sending you unsympathetic replies clearly has their own issues - and I wonder if they have loving relationships themselves. There are some people here who are the definition of smug - and appear to have no empathy. I am a teacher and my son is actually in the same year group as me. He does a morning intervention with another teacher, my colleague, before school a few days a week with a small group of children. I am very grateful to her for doing it, as it's her own time, but getting there that bit earlier, (8.15 rather than 8.35) does make things really challenging, and we have been late a few times on the days I am not teaching myself (and don't have to be in at the crack of dawn!) My youngest son has real issues with clothes and sometimes, however early we start to get ready, he will just freak out about a sock, a shoe or anything really just as we are about to leave. Sometimes I lose my temper and just force him to leave, but other times I make an active decision to just put his needs first, cuddle him, give him a minute and surrender to being late. As a teacher and a mum I believe that if a child is dysregulated, hasn't eaten breakfast, or if it's just a tricky morning at home that sorting these things out rather than running out of the door with everyone crying, unfinished breakfasts, just to get into school on time means that it's very hard for little people to focus, or feel calm. Sometimes, however early you start, however organised you are, things go wrong. Having said that, I think the poster who suggested giving yourself a fake deadline has nailed it - that's what I do to myself and the kids - we all aim to be 15 mins early for everything - never manage that but it does mean we're USUALLY on time. When they were tiny though we were often late for things.
Not sure I'm being very clear, but basically I'm saying - you are doing a wonderful job, you are clearly very nurturing and kind, the teacher has probably been told to do a blanket crack down on lateness and had to say something. It is not personal. If you feel able and not too emotional about it, I would suggest asking to chat to the teacher and explain that you are struggling at the moment and would appreciate a little bit of grace just while you go through this phase. It is only a small period of your life but I know that at the moment it feels huge. It won't always feel like this. Your children will sleep and you will sleep too. Much love to you! X

The only thing that worked for me was pretending I needed to be there 15 minutes before I actually did. That meant while I was usually 'late', I never really was.

don’t feel bad. If all that’s happening is you’re a few mins late to school each day with dressed and fully fed kids I think you’re doing an grand job!!

yes they have to safeguard this stuff but I’m sure now you’ll up the buck and do whatever it is you need to do

honestly you’re doing super good mama. It’s the hardest job in the world and your kids are dressed. Fed and happy. Can’t be worse than that ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

What are the school going to do about it? A public flogging in the town square? Honestly, I have realized over the years, my kids are in their 40s now, that schools think they have more power than they actually do. I had very little respect for arsehole teachers who tried to wield their power, if they don't get 100% , so bluddy what. I would ask her next time, so what would you suggest with the baby blah blah blah and bore her with all the tiny details, and then tell her to fuck off (in you head only of course) and then walk away - seriously, what are they going to do about it???????????

God, this place is fucking horrible sometimes.

Hope you’re ok Op - bear in mind that some teachers are jobsworths who will quite enjoy taking a parent aside and telling them off for being a few minutes late a couple of times.

There is a right way for them to go about this if they’re concerned but it really sounds like that teacher just wanted to be a bit snarky. “Monitoring” you ffs?

I had 4 dcs to get to school on time and usually managed it but I had very well behaved kids and lived 2 mins from the school - I’d never judge another mum for being a bit late & harassed in the morning.

I knew you’d get all the bitches on here wanting to stick the boot in - it’s best not to post on Mn about these things when you’re upset as you’ll just get a load of sad individuals enjoying your misery to make themselves feel superior in their own pathetic little lives!

Okay so this is about how you manage your morning priorities. The school aged child should ALWAYS be priotised. If that means packing your babies / toddlers into the car screaming and hungry and in their pyjamas then so be it. They won’t be hurt if their breakfast is delayed by an hour.

I say this as someone with three kids, youngest is a baby. I will literally change the baby’s nappy in the carpark after the school run.

Ah OP I really feel for you: I’d find this really upsetting. I do not think it’s a big deal, but when you’re trying so hard as mum it would sting to be pulled up.

You will definitely be able to improve your punctuality. I can really understand why your heart is sinking at the thought of having to do MORE when you are already doing SO MUCH. But you can do it! You’re only a few mins late so clearly managing to run somewhat on time, so just a small shift needed.

Also, it sounds like you need a break! Things will get better as your little one sleeps more.

Good luck! You’re a loving mum, just juggling a lot, and you can do this.

I hate this reply! No, your other children's needs are just as valid. I'm not suggesting punctuality isn't important and not to try, but to continuosly neglect the needs of your hungry baby / upset toddler so you prioritise one thing above all else and 'tow the line' of authority - that's a bit performative to me, good little sheep.

Do you have 3+ kids that you have to ferry alone for the school run? If not I wonder why / how you feel qualified to judge what actual parents living OP’s experience do?

I sincerely doubt it.

The school needs to monitor lateness and then work to HELP people who are obviously struggling. It sounds like you're having a few difficulties with being punctual for school. They may have suggestions to help, or understand it's a temporary blip.

Unfortunately, your child can't continually be late for school. It genuinely affects learning. Hopefully they can help you work out a resolution.

Stop calling other women bitches. It stinks of internalised misogyny 🤮

She says its 3 to 7 minutes. In Ireland thats on time!

😂 No... In Ireland anything up to fifteen minutes after the suggested time is acceptable. In fact, it's preferential.

What on earth makes you think I don't???? That's EXACTLY why I don't think neglecting the needs of some of my children should be a priority to make sure one of them always comes first.

What an odd thing to immediately assume that I don't have kids / don't do the school run!

but you don't "neglect" the needs of your other children because one has a later breakfast and the other one get dressed later too.

No one is "neglected" because his nappy is not changed within 30 seconds, a baby is not picked up the second he's crying or the toddler is left having a temper tantrum. Otherwise, no one would ever go on the motorway, board a plan, have a shower, go do the food shop or do anything than stay home *which would be far more neglectful

Regularly leaving a baby screaming hungry for an hour IS neglecting their needs. That's the quote from the pp I was replying to, that's non negotiable.

The rest is up to your standards as a parent - I agree none of them is going to do significant harm as an occasional thing but for it to happen regularly to prioritise getting to school on time above all else? Nah, you have to take a look at yourself.

why would anyone leave a baby screaming hungry for one hour? It's the school run, not a trek to the Amazon?

It's rare that babies are that full up in the morning that they refuse to feed full stop until they suddenly change their mind the second you put your coat on 😂

No, I don't need to take a look at myself, because I am organised so I don't need to make my kids late for school because of their siblings, but thanks.

why would anyone leave a baby screaming hungry for one hour

That's what the pp i was replying to said. If you've got a problem with it, take it up with them, not me.