School say they're monitoring lateness now and I feel sick about it

[oBoltFire]

I cant stop thinking about this and feel really stupid for how upset I am but I need a reality check. At drop off this morning the teacher took me aside and said they need to “monitor lateness” because we’ve been late again today and its becoming a pattern. She wasnt horrible about it but it felt very formal and I could feel my face burning and my stomach drop. We are talking a few minutes late, not half an hour, but its happened more than it should. Mornings are honestly chaos here, I’ve got a baby who barely sleeps and needs feeding right when we should be leaving, a toddler who refuses shoes one minute and then melts down the next, no car so we walk it, and by the time we get out the door something always seems to go wrong. I know everyone has stuff going on and Im not special, but it really isnt from lack of trying or not caring. I already feel like I’m constantly failing at the school run and this just tipped me over. I cant shake the feeling they think I’m unreliable or neglectful or just not bothered, which couldnt be further from the truth. Sorry this is long, Im just replaying it over and over in my head and feeling sick with shame about it.

Am I overreacting to the word monitoring or is this actually serious? Does this lead to letters or fines or worse if it carries on? Has anyone else had this conversation with school and it came to nothing once things improved, or should I be genuinely worried about this now? I feel ridiculous for how anxious I am but I also cant tell if I should be taking this as a massive warning sign or not.

I know you've said you're not coming back, but incase you do, or for anyone else. My advice (from personal experience) is to ask the teacher for a quick word, and tell them you are really struggling with the mornings because of XYZ reason (yours being a baby that is awake in the night AND a toddler as well as a very young school child and no car-I would say that is not typical and everyone manages with that so ignore those snotty comments). In my experience teachers are empathetic and reassuring when you are open and honest. They are usually only concerned if you don't care or are in denial. I've been told homework was optional for one of my children when I explained why we were struggling. I have one left in primary and we are running in last nearly every day, frequently just miss the classroom door, but when I've brought it up to apologise I've been told it's fine, they aren't worried about it because their attendance is 100% and they consistently do their homework. So as long as they know you are trying they usually cut you some slack.

As an aside, what time does your partner leave for work? Is it possible for them to take them to breakfast club when they leave for work? Also if you are embarrassed about being early (and I think you will be surprised how many turn up half an hour early) then maybe you could use breakfast club.

Ah, I feel for you here. A decade ago we had a similar situation with our son. It really irritated me as I felt the schools was tackling the visible stuff. I always ensured my child ate breakfast, remembered a jumper and PE kit, etc. but monitoring whether children have eaten and are thereby 'ready to learn' would be difficult so the school had someone stand at the gate and comment to people who were a tiny bit late.

And now - post COVID, different head - the school only mark kids as late on the register if they arrive after 9am! School officially starts at 8.45. There are reminders of the start time in newsletters but we just get a nice friendly good morning from staff at the gate, whatever time it is.

So - I think take it all with a pinch of salt! Sending good wishes your way x

I haven’t read all replies but have a meeting with the teachers and explain. I am sure they’ll understand and give support.

Do you have another school parent who lives nearby who could take your child in a couple of days a week to take the pressure off? I wouldn’t mind if someone with young children asked me for help!

We are usually on the late side but get away with it due to SEND needs and being one of the furthest from school families.

I have been the mum of 3 struggling to get there, at the time we were a 5 minute walk away ! Its hard getting out the house with young kids. I told myself that school started at 8.30 not 8.40. Only thing that worked.

Weetabix. Surely you cut top left to bottom right in half and have 2 triangles

Honestly - it seems like you’re doing bloody well considering. We all know how hard it is with a baby who doesn’t sleep whilst trying to still function in normal society!

please check with the schools ‘opening hours’ some schools have a greater window for accepting children to be ‘on time’. My school had a 15 minute window- so gates open at x time. And close 15 minutes later. New head teacher meant this window narrows to 5 minutes- queue lots of children being ‘late’. Of course they were technically late, but realistically, adjusting takes time and effort from all the kids. Once you’ve mastered it, it will be the norm!

Dont stress for the time being. Just work on getting your kids there- you can only be late once , and I’m sure they would rather you be late than not at all! Work on your routine for the morning, and play around with different ideas - and find one that works for you. There is no one size fits all with parenting. There will be a time where the baby actually sleeps and this will be a distant memory- for now find YOUR feet, and work around it.
id rather someone turn up describing a fully
normal Morning with children than not turning up at all!

good luck - you’ve got this

It’s very difficult and I’ve been there when your baby kicks off for a feed but you need to get to school. The only answer is to get up early even if you’ve had no sleep. Get up, throw some clothes on, shove the little ones in a buggy - nobody knows they aren’t dressed yet if they have coats on. Give your toddler a snack and a bottle for your baby en route. Then get out the door. It does get easier, even if your other two are crying you just need to remember the main priority is getting to school on time. It’s not nice for your school child to be late everyday.

You need to leave the house earlier

FFS! I can only assume that you haven't got any children yourself, but whether you have or not, your answer seems to scream 'Ah Ha, the OP is very stressed, and already thinking that her DC's teacher must be thinking negative things about her' what can I - Skybluepinky - do to ensure that she keeps on being really stressed?'

If your reply was genuinely supposed to be helpful, then I apologise for misinterpreting your reasons for saying what you said. I know that these days teachers, and anyone really, who spends regular time with children on a professional basis, have been - or should have been - taught to look out for signs of abuse and neglect for the children in their care. But what @oBoltFire has told us here, does not, in my opinion, sound like the teacher was worrying about neglect or abuse. I think that they were literally only trying to encourage the OP to get her dear child to school on time!

They will already know that the OP's DC doesn't come to school in dirty clothes, or smelling unwashed, or with unexplained bruises on their body, or even a seemingly very withdrawn personality. If the school had any safeguarding issues, I think it would be highly unlikely that a teacher would be authorised to give an almost off the cuff remark about the tardiness of her DC.

OP, I think that you have already been given quite a lot of good suggestions on how to try to get your DC to school on time, which you seem to have understood and agreed with, so I am not going to rack my brain trying to think of any other suggestions, especially as I think that you are going to be fine
now. 😊 There will, of course, always be occassions when "the best laid plans of mice and ....", so you will almost certainly have the odd hiccup along the way, just like most of the rest of us! 💐

Just reading your posts feel like you are completely at the edge and overwhelmed. I sympathise immensly. Perhaps shifting both wake-up time and bedtime to 15-30 mins earlier could help.
Just to add, i hope you get even a bit of time for yourself to rest and re-energise.

Ridiculous isn’t it. The forced solidarity between women is incredibly pretentious sometimes.

What happens at our school is they monitor attendence and that includes lates, if it drops to a certain amount your called in for a meeting with the head to discuss it
The head can pass your details on to the fines dept and you can get a fine or a court summons the same as they do for term time holidays
Honestly its ridiculous! The main thing is they can see your getting them to school, a few mins late should not matter at this stage , you have a baby and a toddler aswell , it will get better as they get older
Anyone can see your trying your best
Maybe ask to speak to the head yourself and explain how stressful it is so that they know the situation and can see your doing everything you can on very little sleep
Stay strong and try not to worry it will all be ok

A little tip I had was the doors opened at 8.30 and closed at 8.45. Instead of aiming for 8.45, I aimed for 8.30 at the latest and this then gave us a 15 minute buffer so I was never late again.
Have a think about your morning routine and aim to leave 15 minutes earlier than you do now.
Good luck.

I'm not being a "bitch" - that's misogynistic btw.
I'm giving her the solution she is going out of her way to avoid.

Bringing her child late to school is teaching her child that it's okay to be late - but it's not - it's unfair to the rest of the class for a start and early habits impact people later on in life. Being late to work is THE easiest way in the world to fire someone legally.

Getting up 15 or 30 minutes earlier will also take a lot stress away because she won't be rushing any more. I'm saying this as someone who was habitually late to school due to my own chaotic home situation. I had a tough love teacher at age 8 who set me right and I thank her for it still.

She kept me in detention for 30 minutes every time I was late even by 1 minute.
It worked.

Exactly how l approach it with our regular lates

Yes , it’s so rude and insensitive. It’s giving the op anxiety and they could have dealt with it far more discreetly

By being late frequently you are disrupting the school schedule/organization and using up their good will. A"few minutes" can disrupt the teacher collecting the kids and starting the day.
I remember years ago they shut down the road we usually drive on and we were over 30 min late. The office said "Oh that's fine. We know you're always on time, so its okay." She paused and added, " some people are always late and its a problem". Don't be some people. Get up earlier. Listen to their message.

This sort of thing is getting worse and worse. And it will unless there's pushback from parents. School children are not in the military ffs. They are children!

Honestly I wouldn't worry about it. Really. Get them there, having had their breakfast and let the school monitor it. You sound like you've enough on your plate without worrying about if you're 5 minutes late.

I used to foster and with one sibling group I was just about ALWAYS late, did everything, all the prep, aiming to set off earlier- yet always late. I got pulled in a meeting- with the deputy sat next to me- school had never addressed it with me but told all social workers.
so I understand your pain and know it’s not negligence or carelessness and well understand the increase in pressure and stress it puts you under.

Try to get it in perspective, it’s not the end of the world, yes try to do everything a few mins earlier, but at the end of the day you can only do your best, deep breath and chill x

They have to bring it up or they wouldn't be doing their job. It is just very difficult for some families, especially ehen you have multiple kids and a new baby. Just tell them you are doing your best. You can't do better than your best. Stop worrying!

Old school here . It's called manners ! You would be angry if your own plans were scuppered. This post simply says me me me.

I hope you are still reading OP because I want to send you sympathy and hugs. Hopefully the fully getting ready the night before and a few extra minutes built in will do the trick.
I think it really does matter for the sake of your eldest to get there on time, so they don’t arrive anxious, rushing and taking the last seat etc. You’ve got this, and can enjoy the walk with those extra minutes built in. You’ll also have time for a last hug and smile with the eldest then.