AIBU to want clearer boundaries around adult time in a blended family?

[Hellosunshine994378]

Blended family situation and looking for a sense check.

My partner’s child has recently moved into our home full time, which is obviously a big adjustment. Since then, there’s been a pattern where the child follows us from room to room or interrupts when my partner and I are together, and sometimes tries to take charge of plans or rules.

I don’t see this as bad behaviour. It seems anxiety-based and about needing reassurance after a big change, which I completely understand.

Where I’m unsure is the best response. So far, we’ve tended to accommodate it by keeping our relationship quite low-key, avoiding adult-only time, and reframing things like Valentine’s Day to avoid discomfort. The intention is to be kind, but the outcome is that our relationship feels very reduced in our own home.

My view is that in the long run, children feel safer when adults are calm and consistent… adult time is normal, adults make decisions, interruptions are gently redirected, and boundaries are clear. Avoiding this might help in the short term but risks reinforcing the anxiety.

My partner worries about upsetting the child and prefers to avoid conflict in the moment. I’m concerned that this isn’t sustainable and doesn’t actually help the child adjust.

AIBU to think it’s reasonable to protect some adult time and be clear that our relationship is allowed, while still being sensitive to the child’s needs?

My son hasn't had a fixed bedtime since he was about 4 - since then, he has always decided when he is ready to go to bed.

He's never had a problem managing his own sleep.

He's never been late for school. Never had a problem being too tired the next day.

And critically, he's never seen 'going to bed' as a punishment. It's not a looming threat when the fun stops, or somewhere you lie when your body isn't ready to rest never mind your brain, but your mum and dad won't let you get out of it.

Going to bed is simply what you do when you need to sleep. So he'd take himself up at 6.30pm when he started school at 4 and was absolutely shattered. He's 17 now and will turn his lights off and go to sleep at 9pm if he's been to college and then done a shift at work. He doesn't have FOMO. He has learned to regulate his own sleep and it's a life skill.

Because my husband is 52, his parents were very strict about bedtime and even now he sees going to bed as a punishment. He will fall asleep on the sofa at 2am on a Saturday night/Sunday morning because you 'stay up' at the weekend. He won't have an early night in the week even if he's ill. I set myself a rule to be in bed by 11pm, and he won't join me, because he sees it as like being a child again. He REALLY struggles to get up in the morning and is always 'shattered', because he never, ever allows himself to get enough sleep.

He met me when my son was 6 and bedtime was a battle ground at first because he considered it child abuse to expect my son to regulate his own sleep. Now I am smug as fuck because I have a teenager that gets up with his alarm at 6.30am while my husband is always, always still in bed at 8.20am then running around shouting shit shit shit I slept through again. I've given up trying to wake him. I'm not his mum.

A digression. But. There is more than one way of supporting your child's sleep.

From reading this, I’m wondering whether she’s aware that some of these conversations (I think you said you need to discuss things to do with her other parent, her behaviour etc) are about her, and she’s very fearful of you having them without her present. If she’s had a big upheaval, she might be worried that you’re discussing things that could lead to more changes to her, and she’s trying to ‘supervise’ the conversations to ensure that nothing is decided about her life without her knowing about it. I think it’s really understandable for her to want to take control in that way, especially if changes have happened to living arrangements etc that she had no say over.

I’m wondering whether your DP could very gently say that he’s noticed that she seems very anxious about the two of you having private conversations, and is there something in particular that’s worrying her? If I’m correct (I may be totally off the mark), he could then reassure her that you won’t be making any big decisions without her and will always give her input into things that affect her life, that you both understand how she feels.

For things like logistics that don’t directly concern her, is there any reason that you couldn’t have them with her in the room? Saying something like ‘we’re just discussing the car insurance renewal, you’re welcome to stay but it’s not a very interesting conversation and we’ll need to talk uninterrupted to get it sorted.’ Letting her witness that a lot of these conversations are important but completely mundane might help take the anxiety out of wondering what’s being discussed behind closed doors?

If the 14 year old has no idea how to do this though it is going to take some learning that she needs to go to bed when she's tired - or even still go to bed if she has to get up early for school the next day. Lots of children who have had no boundaries or good role models are able to make these decisions for themselves. It requires some guidance so eg. Saying to the 14 year old.. you need to aim for xx hours of sleep so you need to aim to start relaxing/getting your stuff ready for the next day at xxx. Because in her old life she would be expected to stay up until 2am to keep her mum company, for example.

@Hellosunshine994378
Your DC is 14, so it will be a short 4 years until she is 18 - an adult.
I think it would help you if you reframed how you see her, i.e. not as a "child" to be parented as a child, but as a teenager rapidly approaching adulthood.
You need to start treating her more as a near-adult.

Imagine that she is still living with you and DH when she is 20 or 25, would you be annoyed at her following you and DH into another room and trying to join in the conversation? Or would you accept that you are a family of three adults all joining in together as equals?
Yes, she is not yet an adult, but that is where she is heading, so you need to start thinking ahead, as parents you need to lead her into appropriate adult behaviour and relationships, by modelling how to behave. That includes letting her join you and DH when you are talking.

There is no reason the family finances cannot be discussed in front of her. That is how teenagers learn about money.
She can also listen in to conversations about how you both parent the 1yr old.
She can even join in conversations about her own bedtime and similar 'rules' - let her feel she has a say.

Any conversations that she really shouldn't hear, such as how to handle her behaviour and discipline, or about her mother, you and DH should have in your bedroom after the household has gone to bed.

And yes, go ahead with monthly or even fortnightly 'date' nights. Give her the choice of staying home with the babysitter you get for the 1 year old, or going to a relative's place (or her mothers) for the night.

For things like logistics that don’t directly concern her, is there any reason that you couldn’t have them with her in the room? Saying something like ‘we’re just discussing the car insurance renewal, you’re welcome to stay but it’s not a very interesting conversation and we’ll need to talk uninterrupted to get it sorted.’ Letting her witness that a lot of these conversations are important but completely mundane might help take the anxiety out of wondering what’s being discussed behind closed doors?

I think this is a very calm and helpful suggestion.

I agree that I suspect much of SD's clinginess is coming from a sense - maybe even subconscious - that people want her out of the way. And as it turns out, she isn't wrong - hence this thread.

I think that with things like car insurance this is an excellent way forward: she isn't removed from the space but is asked to please not interrupt. That gives her the option to stay or go. If she interrupts, that is the reason she is being asked to leave, not any desire to have discussions out of her earshot. She will cotton on pretty fast if she wants to hear, but more likely will decide it's harmless and boring. And if she doesn't, that's a good thing: it's how SHE learns to work through car insurance options etc.

But op life with dc isn't one in which you get to switch very often between family time and couples time. That is just how it is. You find the opportunities around the edges. And texts and email can very useful in this regard ...

I agree, I think that the underlying cause of her being unwilling to give the OP and her DP time for private conversations could be that she’s afraid the private conversations are about her, and could lead to decisions being made that negatively impact her. OP hasn’t said exactly what led to her coming to live with them full time, but say (for example), moving away from her other parent was a surprise and something decided for her by adults, it would be easy to see why adults peeling off to have private conversations would be very upsetting if she fears more unexpected changes. Even if the move was 100% in her best interests, she has very limited control over her life as a teenager. So I think it’s understandable if she’s trying to get any control she can by keeping tabs on these conversations so that she won’t be (at least in her mind perhaps) taken by surprise.

So, from the OP’s perspective, they’re discussing insurance and finances and all the other stuff that goes into running a household. But from the step-daughter’s perspective, she doesn’t understand any of this, and as far as she’s concerned the adults who she relies on are sloping off to have private conversations, and in her mind they could just as easily be discussing her moving again or any number of things that she would find distressing.

Of course, I could be totally wrong. If she’s chosen to come and live with her dad and there’s no traumatic background story, then my explanation makes less sense.

I think in OP’s shoes I would be trying to demystify these conversations for her so that she can feel comfortable with them occurring. I don’t mean making her party to very private information or involving her in things that don’t concern her, but even just clarifying that you’re discussing the mortgage/nursery fees/whatever might assuage her fears. Plus letting her be there for conversations that don’t really need to be private, so that she can see that you really aren’t discussing anything scary when you’re alone together, as long as you can have the conversation uninterrupted.

I think I would leave having any conversations that directly concern her- discussing behaviour, arrangements with other parent etc- for a time when she won’t be aware of them, even if that means having them via text or last thing at night when everyone’s in bed for a bit. She needs your help to learn that she doesn’t need to be hyper vigilant about what people are potentially discussing behind her back.

None of this is intended to be a criticism. It just jumped out at me that private conversations seem to be a sore point for her, and I wondered whether that’s because she has felt in the past that private conversations have led to big changes for her and that means they’re scary. Even if those changes were for the best considering the bigger picture.

Obviously you cant police when a teen actually falls asleep, but insisting on a solid bedtime routine and good sleep hygiene is really important. For my 13 year old, bedtime is 9. I don't care how long he is awake, reads or how many times he goes to the toilet, nor can I control when he actually sleeps. But all devices are out of his room and switched off by 9 and the expectation is that he is in bed. I have a 7 year old whose time is 7.30. Sam thing there, he takes ages to actually go to sleep. He draws. He talks for England. He checks his backpack 10 times. But he knows that 7.30 is bedtime.

Ir doesn't always work like this. They have sports, alot. Trials. Late nights. School work takes longer. Fine. But if its passed the bedtime, then everyone knows they are on borrowed time and its time to go get ready to sleep.

I am in my 40s. My bedtime is 10pm. Dont talk to me after 10pm. I am trying to sleep. Dont call me, Im not answering. Don't text me, my phone is on silent.

Sleep is the number one factor for human functioning. It is not a nice to have. Its a fundamental. I had two reflux babies and it nearly finished me off. I am never ever compromising on sleep again.

I've got teens. The only 'adult time' is when we go out without them. We have privacy in our own bedrooms but I'd never put limits on when they can join us in communal areas. Don't get me wrong, I sometimes miss having the evenings to ourselves when they were little and had 7pm bedtimes but I don't think it would be fair to expect them to stay out of my way so I can have adult time.

This sounds too much to me OP

you are both over adapting which I believe will lead to more anxious behaviour

boundaries help safety

It sound alike you’ve got to a ridiculous level that you have no time to discuss things you need to about child rearing - you do need some kind of protected time

I think your household would benefit from routines and communication. Child needs time and that's fine but she can't be stalking you both throughout the day; that's just going to create or reinforce anxious attachment style. On the flip side, you don't want to make her feel pushed away. Routines create a sense of security.. Time alone with her father is important. Building a relationship with you should start with small casual things like doing the grocery rum together or running errands. Maybe end it with a hot chocolate. If family life has structure, it's a lot easier to structure in alone time as a couple. Even biological children go through this phase and with my own it's always been communicated in an age appropriate way that moments of sollitude are a key ingredient to family relationships and wellbeing. Everyone needs time alone and time together. Pets are also very calming. I have two sensitive souls I the family, and the arrival of our cat when it was a kitten provided an outlet for all the love and adoration they like to give and receive. Also great for teaching practical responsibility like love means regular food too! As for interrupting conversations, that needs to be corrected. It will drive you to resentment eventually and certainly won't win child friends and supporters.

14! And following you around? The poor soul must have some kind of trauma going on.
Be interesting to know why he moved in with you,what was going on in his life before that.Poor child.

I think 9pm for a 14 year old is early. My 13 year old has just taken himself off to bed now at 9:05 but normally 9:15-9:40.

11pm for a 13 year old and 10pm to play on an Xbox is way too late. They need quite a lot of sleep at that age!

Regarding OP, the dynamics are quite different in a house with tweens / teens. It’s not normal to have them follow you around the house. There seems to be a lot of anxiety there. Why have they moved to your house full-time? Has something happened? I think they need a lot of support from you and others. Maybe outside support too. It’s clearly very difficult for them. Good luck.

@Didshejustsaythatoutloud

Before I read your post this is exactly what I was going to write in so many words. This child understandably demands attention at this stage of change & upheaval in her life.

I would shower her with love & attention, cosy blanket time together on the sofa & plenty of reassurance of being welcome in the home. It will take a while for her to feel she belongs there. Eventually she will feel settled enough to have some time alone but you can't rush it. It's a phase that won't last. 😊💐

9pm is very early for a 14 year old. Tbh at 14 the adults go to bed earlier than the teens. Teen bedtime around 10 to 10.30

Re doing the room with her input is important. Has she changed schools?

I think that's right. But I remember not wanting my mother to be alone with my stepfather after he finally moved in to our house, even though I had known him for years. I did kind of follow them a bit I think, though maybe not from room to room. After all my mother had been exclusively mine for years, then theres the added thing that when you're 13 or 14 you kind of know they're having sex and you kind of don't want them to. You don't say how close he was to his father were before you all got together. It does sound however that you aren't used to children - its a huge adjustment whenever they enter your life, whether they are born by you or not. The child is more important than either of you and though he sounds a little needy give him the attention he craves, but encourage his friends to come round more. And he might indeed benefit from someone impartial to talk to.

Wtf are you talking about. I have plenty of ‘adult conversations’ without my three kids overhearing. We manage to plan birthdays, Christmas, finances, everything. Like every other family?!

Welcome to parenthood. It’s not about you anymore. In my opinion you’re being selfish and unreasonable.

Any need to be so rude?

@IfYouNeedMeAskYourFather

yes, OP, you can’t want or need anything ever again, you’re a parent now! You need to pretend you’re not a human and that you’re content to just exist, supporting and facilitating everyone else. And don’t forget to do it all with a smile on your face!

I'm probably quite a bit older than some on this thread, but there definitely used to be concepts such as adult time and 'not now, the grown-ups are talking.' Not once do I remember feeling hurt as a child by these things being said. Obviously I challenged things more as a teen, but I don't remember ever feeling excluded just because family life didn't revolve around me the entire time.

With the caveat that of course it's not the same for children who have lived through trauma, for the most part it's about the expectations you set right from the beginning.