AIBU to want clearer boundaries around adult time in a blended family?

[Hellosunshine994378]

Blended family situation and looking for a sense check.

My partner’s child has recently moved into our home full time, which is obviously a big adjustment. Since then, there’s been a pattern where the child follows us from room to room or interrupts when my partner and I are together, and sometimes tries to take charge of plans or rules.

I don’t see this as bad behaviour. It seems anxiety-based and about needing reassurance after a big change, which I completely understand.

Where I’m unsure is the best response. So far, we’ve tended to accommodate it by keeping our relationship quite low-key, avoiding adult-only time, and reframing things like Valentine’s Day to avoid discomfort. The intention is to be kind, but the outcome is that our relationship feels very reduced in our own home.

My view is that in the long run, children feel safer when adults are calm and consistent… adult time is normal, adults make decisions, interruptions are gently redirected, and boundaries are clear. Avoiding this might help in the short term but risks reinforcing the anxiety.

My partner worries about upsetting the child and prefers to avoid conflict in the moment. I’m concerned that this isn’t sustainable and doesn’t actually help the child adjust.

AIBU to think it’s reasonable to protect some adult time and be clear that our relationship is allowed, while still being sensitive to the child’s needs?

9 pm is a reasonable bedtime for a 14 year old. They do you have to go to bed but perfectly reasonable to say no more screens and go up to your room.

I’m sorry that happened to you. And I feel sorry for OP’s stepdaughter too.

I’m not trying to be condescending, and I’m sorry if my tone has come across that way — that genuinely isn’t my intention. I am listening to what people are saying, including that adult time is limited with teens, and I do accept that. However I understood it was limited I’ve merely tried to get advice in ways around it when we are already stripped of time.

What I’m trying to explain (possibly badly) is that this isn’t about wanting private time whenever we want it, or expecting her to be in her room from 9pm. It’s about specific, sometimes unavoidable conversations around finances and behaviour that currently don’t have an easy slot because of the house layout and recent changes.

I do understand that living-room teens are normal, and that bedtime or school hours are often when these things happen. We’re still adjusting to a new setup and a child moving in full-time, and I’m trying to work out what’s reasonable in practice, not impose rigid rules.

Mum of 2 teens here (15 and 18) the biggest game changer for us was switching date nights to date breakfasts or dog walks in the park. I’m guessing you could have many ‘grown up’ conversations with your 1 yr old in tow at a local playground or coffee shop and before your 14 year old surfaces on the weekends? (Work schedules allowing of course) Perhaps worth a go?

Great suggestion.

@Hellosunshine994378 - you are getting loads of good suggestions. You are going to have to get your head round the fact that you can’t “get your evenings back” once you have a teenager, especially one who is feeling vulnerable. This suggestion and the one from PP about a family trip out where you bring a friend of hers are both really good. I really hope you take the good advice here.

We stuck to a 9pm cut off at that age mid week so we got our time. They respected it as it was consistent and they weren’t expected to go to bed but upstairs doing their thing for an hour to give us time at the end of our day

Getting a babysitter and having a date night out of the house once a week is the answer here, OP @Hellosunshine994378

Are these conversations not the ones you sit in bed and have ?

@Hellosunshine994378 children need included and sounds like you are doing that .
they need bed times though and routine . With this leads to adult time .

Showing affection on front of the child and too the child is also a good thing .making it normal in a loving relationship /family

So it's not a general every day issue? You understand that it's not fair to banish a teen to their room every evening so you get more adult time, you're just wondering how to have the odd sensitive conversation without her overhearing?

In that case, I think most parents either wait until their teens are asleep, text each other, or ask the other if they'd pop upstairs for 5 minutes. Obviously you can't spend hours locked away together whilst she sits downstairs alone, but it's generally fine to say "5 minutes Sophie, I'm just helping OP with something then I'll be downstairs".

Or you could just chat once you're in bed?

I thought sex

You're raising your step child to be an adult - that means including them in a much broader range of conversations than you would a younger child.

Teenagers learn finances by watching their adults manage their own - so let them get involved with that.

Teenagers are also adept at knowing when people are keeping secrets from them. And if they think you're doing that, they will start to do the same.

What would you do living in a home where there's an unknown quantity of debt and you want to go to uni / learn to drive?

Avoiding saying negative things about their mother to them is a good plan but much of the rest of what you're thinking of as adult conversations can be done in ways that involve them - they may have ideas that can help fix logistical problems.

Sometimes if DH and I need to have an urgent conversation, we go into our, admittedly large, closet. We then speak quietly. You just figure it out.

We just talk before we go to sleep in our bedroom or catch half an hour during the day or during the commute to work.

I have teens and there is no adult time. Those conversations are at. Other in the dark lying in bed whispering. I have tried to stay up later than them but I can’t. 9pm bedtime is too early in my opinion

@Hellosunshine994378 as the mother of a teen, whilst I understand that you feel that some conversations shouldn't be held in from of your DSC, it seems like you're making that all conversations about matters of note between yourself and your DP.

Whilst I admit that if finances are currently challenging, it can be stressful, but there are 2 sides to these types of conversation. if they're serious matters that could further unsettle DSC, have them in your room after she's gone to bed - there's nothing financial that can't wait an extra hour or so. If they're not 'situation critical' financial issues, have the conversation with her there - she's 14 not 4 and listening to adults address day to day issues in an organised and sensible manner is how she will learn important life skills.

Same with logistics.

I understand that the parenting side of things will be trickier, but surely you and DP have some fairly solid ground rules/concepts in place by this point which would make many of these discussions feasible in front of DSC whilst presenting a united front. If these decisions concern her, maybe she should be involved for at least some of it. If these are matters she doesn't agree with, hearing the reasoning may make understanding of decisions that are being made and will be made in the future much clearer. Again, anything issue critical do after she's gone to bed, or these are the moments where some authority in the home needs to be established. It would be in everyone's best interest to start with the concept of 'Susie, me and your dad need to sort a few bits out, we'll be in with you in ten.'. No, it's not open for discussion and no, the conversation won't continue while she's there.

As much as she's obviously been traumatised by the whole situation, she's also flexing a bit of teenage muscle to see how far she can push. You two need to present a united front on which boundaries aren't to be pushed, this being the key one which will then enable you to have discussions as and when you need them. The going out one is key too - that needs to be presented as you would to a toddler, option a or option b. there is no magical option c.

Best of luck

9 is ridiculously early for a 14 year old. Poor kid!

To be fair to you OP the rest of us do have this creep up on us rather than having it happen overnight. I can still remember the slight anguish I felt when our kids got to about 11/12 and it dawned on me that our “evenings” were numbered! We used to go to the pub/cafe for finance meetings away from them; I do agree with a pp that gradually inducting teenagers into family finances is healthy, but there are times when you want to thrash things out without their input. As far as “adult time” for recreational/relationship purposes goes…I think you just have to accept that the teenage years are a dry spell. We’d go to bed fairly early and talk there, or try and grab an afternoon out together, but mostly we just accepted that we had to share our living space with the kids.

DH found the loss of evening times very hard going, he'd want to offload about his day/ask ideas about his business but we constantly had a teen in the room between 3 of them. In the end, he'd go off and have a bath and I'd sit in the bathroom with him - it was the only way no one interrupted. Teenagers are strange creatures, OP, they're either in their rooms non stop and you're worried that something is going on... or they're under your feet constantly and there's no in between. It must be a huge adjustment for you all - you'll get there.

9 o'clock is a very early bedtime for a 14yo.

We have a busy household full of kids some of whom don't go to bed til 10pm. Sometimes we (as in me and my husband) might find ourselves watching TV alone at 9pm. More often we get a chance to chat over the washing up!

Otherwise we wait until we go to bed. It's definitely reasonable to shut the bedroom door and have that space to yourselves at bedtime. It's also reasonable to go out for dinner occasionally.

The main difference is that we've had many years to adjust slowly from that stark adults/kids distinction that exists with toddler and primary school kids. Once they're teenagers, there just isn't really that same ring fenced time/space.

I think you might be missing what you perceive to be 'adult' time and might be feeling resentful on a subconsious level.

I'm not sure what you list as 'adult' time is considered adult time in other families. Kids need to hear how their parents communicate and sort out stuff so they can learn for when they are adults.

Op i think this is because what you said is odd.. I mean in my words its odd. Im just thinking of us in our family as parents with our kids, we certainly dont go around worrying about having adult time. You have a one year old too , do you set boundaries with the 1 year old too if you're having adult only? Also I might have this wrong but your other posts just look like you're trying to save face .. I doubt you need to discuss the stuff you mentioned that much that you feel the need to ask for advice on mumsnet. What do you think other parents do? If your step child is following you around from room to room due to a serious reason then your concern would be how do we help the child , not what do I do because I need adult time to discuss finances. 🤦🏻‍♀️

I've got a blended family including teen step-DC and DC we adopted after a loss in the family, so we've dealt with concerns about everyone feeling secure in the family. Your updates reassured me that your hopes aren't fully unreasonable, though I think you may need to adjust them some.

The default in family homes is going to be family time, but DH and I do tell our DC that we need to time for private conversations. I think this is actually fine for kids to hear - kids need experience on both sides of healthy boundaries - but how and when matters. We ask for a specific amount of time and in most cases we will offer family/parent-child time immediately after. "Dad and I need 15 minutes to talk just us but then it will be dinner time/let's look for a show to watch together/let's all talk about plans for this weekend." Make a point of initiating that time with them after so that it's clear you're not just trying to fob them off; if you're in an anxious time right now I would even set yourselves a timer so that you stick to your word. Once things settle down you and they trust what will happen you likely won't need to explicitly state the latter part every time. We also avoid having private conversations in the main living areas whenever possible and don't kick anyone out of a room they were in before us (unless it's our bedroom or one of our offices).

I'll be honest that I don't think this needs to be a frequent or even daily thing and more often than not we can and do wait for for post-bedtime or another fairly convenient time to talk. I'm not sure if you're having a hard time adjusting to the sudden presence of a kid who can understand your conversations (it's different than just having a baby/toddler!) and being a bit overly broad about which discussions actually need privacy or if the frustration of not having a solution has just magnified the problem so it feels more constant. Knowing that you can create some time/space if necessary will likely help with both.

YANBU OP. I would say that your DH needs to take the lead with behaviour and parenting though so you shouldn’t have to discuss those at length if he is doing his job. Start going to bed at 9 and get ready for bed and into bed and you can talk then. Get up early to talk. But leave the discipline and parenting issues to him or I can see this getting worse. Guessing she has moved because her mum can’t provide an appropriate environment for her which will add to her insecurity.

I can see why this might be tough in that you suddenly have a teen living in the house and it must be a bit of transition for everyone. It’s a real change from when your kids are going to bed at 7.30pm or something. My DD is 12 and often it’s just when she’s going up to bed that she wants to share things that have happened in the day and her worries. It is hard to find time to talk with my DH generally about practical stuff but I think that’s just how it is how they get older. We involve our DD in things like planning the menu for the week etc. and if we need some time for other things we might say ok you watch an episode of something while mum and dad sort some paperwork. In short the dynamic changes when your child is older. Good luck.