AIBU to want clearer boundaries around adult time in a blended family?

[Hellosunshine994378]

Blended family situation and looking for a sense check.

My partner’s child has recently moved into our home full time, which is obviously a big adjustment. Since then, there’s been a pattern where the child follows us from room to room or interrupts when my partner and I are together, and sometimes tries to take charge of plans or rules.

I don’t see this as bad behaviour. It seems anxiety-based and about needing reassurance after a big change, which I completely understand.

Where I’m unsure is the best response. So far, we’ve tended to accommodate it by keeping our relationship quite low-key, avoiding adult-only time, and reframing things like Valentine’s Day to avoid discomfort. The intention is to be kind, but the outcome is that our relationship feels very reduced in our own home.

My view is that in the long run, children feel safer when adults are calm and consistent… adult time is normal, adults make decisions, interruptions are gently redirected, and boundaries are clear. Avoiding this might help in the short term but risks reinforcing the anxiety.

My partner worries about upsetting the child and prefers to avoid conflict in the moment. I’m concerned that this isn’t sustainable and doesn’t actually help the child adjust.

AIBU to think it’s reasonable to protect some adult time and be clear that our relationship is allowed, while still being sensitive to the child’s needs?

Blimey! What a patronising response to a very helpful post full of useful suggestions.

Yeah my daughter gets home from dance around 9 or so half the week. The other half she has an earlier finish but then has homework etc. 9pm in bed would be impossible here too but of course every kid is different.

It is difficult to have privacy with a teenager. My teenager is always in the house, though spends time in her room too, but there is little privacy especially when it comes to sex as she never sleeps either.

Do you have a sense of how (in)secure she feels about her current living situation? 14yos understand that couples have sex, and most are clued in to "typical" romantic/relationship stuff - wanting to be "alone together" on Valentine's Day, their anniversary, date nights, etc. I don't think you need to shy away from these, although for now it probably makes more sense to go out if you can rather than try to carve out private space in the house when everyone's home.

BUT the following you around when you're together and not letting mundane private conversations occur could be anxiety about not being able to stay where she is, or worrying that she's causing a lot of upset and disruption just by being there. It sounds like this isn't a case of a child who used to split time roughly equally between mum's and dad's houses having to spend 100% at dad's because mum's away/ill/etc. (which is difficult enough) but rather a completely new household for her? If so, that will make it even harder and the "settling time" longer. I'd be as honest with her as you can each time about what's being discussed (not details, but topic) and consistently let her know anything that impacts her once it's decided.

Be judicious - for now, try to schedule the non-urgent conversations for when she's in bed, at school (even if this means talking on the phone), with friends, in the bath, etc. For the rest, if she won't give you space to have a private conversation when you specifically ask for it and reassure her that it's mundane (she may not trust your word on this right away) you (and maybe initially just her dad) may need to address the larger issue head on.

When does she do homework? Can you set her up a desk in her room for that and have your conversations then?

Such a good idea, thank you as it’s helped me with a different problem!

Can you send her off for a shower after dinner every night? Just thinking how you could try and create some time. How many rooms does your house have? Do you have a study or separate dining room to the lounge? I think you have to keep her busy with something else while you guys get your chat in. But make sure she doesn't feel like she's being sent off...more like 'right, I've got a few things to do so shall we all get some stuff done and then meet-up in the lounge to watch X at 9pm. Don't be waiting on her going to bed to talk...teenagers can sense this and they want to know everything.

I also think it's a massive leap from having a baby to having a teenager around. And it's probably different to when you were a teenager yourself.

Sounds like you aren’t happy with the new arrangement, in reality the child came before you.

Sorry but we have teens have private conversations if they are needed in bed before going to sleep ?
I don't know why but certainly discuss house finances life admin drs appointments etc etc whilst are tenes are milling about .
I agree with previous poster the this is framed as child's best interests but really its about you finding SC a pain in the arse and Intrusive .
They live in the home just let them live they probably don't feel comfortable or at home if they are following you around cos they are probably picking up the vibe that they are not .

I wonder if it might help to think about it from your step daughter’s perspective. Her living circumstances have changed possibly without her having much choice. She’s living with her dad, his partner and their baby, her half sibling. You already have the home set up for how you live, there will be ways of doing things and unspoken rules that are unfamiliar to her. She has lost daily contact with her mum, and has a new parent figure to deal with in you. She has a new bedroom with different things in place and possibly a new school and friends to navigate.

There will have possibly been conversations that didn’t include her, and that ended in her moving house.

Private adult conversations may feel very threatening to her because she doesn’t know what they mean for her, so she follows you both around. It can be very scary to know that people who have power over you are talking about you.

You don’t say how she came to be living with you but even the most planned, positive move is tricky to navigate.

Your whole world has shifted too - you’re parenting a teenager which may not have been part of your plan either and you and your partner are trying to adjust. It’s natural to want time to both get on the same page and frustrating not to have space to do that.

Finding time though is going to be tricky and there are loads of suggestions of how to do that here. It’s very natural for children to regress to a younger age when they’ve had a big move, so while her biological age is 14, she may be functioning at a younger age at the moment, and that’s what you need to respond to and work with at the moment. So lots of reassurance, really pick your battles and be explicit about house rules, acknowledging it’s a change for her to do X instead of Y and involving her in decisions that affect her.

Thank you

Please read all responses, it was a response to a condescending poster who has piled on to me several times in this thread. Sorry that I stooped down to meet them where they were

Not at all a pain in the arse, we are all together practically second we enter the house go when we go to bed daily and have some hilarious chats. It’s about trying to find some time in between when we need it, because we aren’t doing a great time at managing that.
Also manage having one night our a month and finding out if this idea is unreasonable

We also sit and watch TV together before bed. It's a time we get together as a family. Also have your evening meal together as a 4 where you can. This is family life.

Our adult conversations are on our drives to work/drive home from work or at lunch time. If not it's in bed or before work and the kids are up.

In time, see if the 14 year old is comfortable with looking after the little one for an hour so you can go out. Even just a walk around the block or the local pub. Date nights need to wait a while.

Does DSC have friends they can invite round after school to make it feel like their home?

Neither myself or my partner feel what we are doing is sustainable currently in the long run and may cause more friction if the dynamic changes too far in advance

@Hellosunshine994378 one of the issues is you’ve skipped straight to teen in the house without going through all the growing learning phases that you will do with your 1year old.

For example - the first time you can’t sneak a sweet treat for yourself from the cupboard without little ears understanding what the rustle of packaging means.

The first time you find your own swear words being parroted back to you “no, I said Duck, duck duck”

What happens slowly over years is you adjust in increments and it just becomes second nature and accepted.

So you will need get used to the frustration of having to defer some conversations - keep a note open on your phone and jot down things as they occur to you then - for now - plan 2 daily check ins each day when possible - weekdays find a time when DSC is at school or clubs, do it on the phone if you can’t be in the same space.

First check in of the day each go through the headings of your individual lists - then pick one topic to talk about and agree to think about the others. Last thing at night when you are alone in bed - circle back and see if you both have any thoughts about the other issues.

If you do this consistently you’ll be checking in with each other enough that it won’t feel as though you are letting issues build up.

And reinstate the monthly date night - I’d keep it short to begin with - just a quick drink etc but reinstate the principle.

One option is you book a babysitter for the one-year-old and tell 14-year-old that she can help with the babysitting in a sort of junior babysitter role to get experience which will mean she can make money as a babysitter when she’s older. Pay her a small amount for her ‘work’.

@Hellosunshine994378 I don't get the pile on. I think some posters come to step parent threads especially to be goady.

all the things you are doing and saying are positive and opposite of all the frankly shitty negative posts you’ve got.

you can see there’s an issue , you are adjusting to a big change yourself and trying to find creative solutions.

it sounds like a trying time for you all. As I assume that whatever caused dsd to come to live ft wasn’t a friendly chat and an easy situation. Obviously shit for the child but good on you for being proactive.

maybe AIBU was the errror ! 😁

9pm into their own room, I don’t think that’s early.

9pm expecting them to be asleep might be.

Adjustment is hard but no a 14 year old following you constantly isn’t normal. 14 months … yes.

This kid will need compassion but also firm boundaries.

can I just clarify @Hellosunshine994378 do you feel your wife is not being firm enough with setting boundaries for her daughter, which could then alleviate some of your perceived struggles?

you can have these conversations in bed.

honestly op, it sounds like you’re trying to treat the 14yo like a toddler. 9pm bedtime is way too early for a teenager. They are a teenager, just 4 years away from legally being an adult. You shouldn’t be hiding all conversations from them.

You’ve gone from just having a baby, who’s in bed early to a full on teenager, you haven’t had the in between years where you gradually get used to have less adult time.
It won’t last forever and soon you’ll be nagging her to come down and spend time with you. Does she have anything to do in her room? PlayStation/ tv/ iPad etc? Not that I’m advocating screen time for teens but they do need ways to chill out. Has she got friends to FaceTime? A hobby to go to? 9.00 is early for a 14yo, my ds14 potters around up until 10. It is absolutely disastrous for sex lives btw.

Didshejustsaythatoutloud …… great response! Above all the child needs to feel secure, loved and valued…….cover all that and the rest should fall into place.

If we need to have a private conversation, we wait for a window of opportunity. Alternatively, we tell our teen that we need a few minutes of privacy. We don’t like taking that approach though because it triggers her ASD based anxiety and she inevitably assumes we are using the time to talk about her. We take advantage of times she comes home from school late or goes out with friends. These are rare, but they happen.

having a teenager in the house is closer to having another adult than another child. You don’t get the same kind of privacy or separation that you used to have. They will often stay up later than you. They have routine more similar to yours than a child’s. It is an adjustment that most people have time to make, but that you just got dropped right into. The shock is understandable, but the teen isn’t the problem.

You don’t really get adult time in the evenings once you have teens. I understand this is tricky for you as you’ve gone straight to a teen without going through the previous stages but that’s how it is.

14 yos don’t go to bed at 9. They just don’t. Many of them have hobbies that end at 9/9.30 for a start. Even with my 11 yo, getting him to bed at 9 on non hobby days is a struggle, and I wouldn’t expect total “adult time” to start at nine.

If you need to have conversations you can’t have in front of a teen, you need to find times when he’s out. Maybe take some annual leave for big conversations about finances, relationship issues etc. Obviously sometimes a teenager would normally be doing things in his room etc but you can’t really plan around when this will be. So you need to be flexible.

If he has anxiety your focus needs to be on making him feel wanted and included, not “normalising” adult time. This will likely happen naturally as he gets older and feels more relaxed and welcome in your family home.

My good friend had a SM exactly like you.