AIBU to want clearer boundaries around adult time in a blended family?

[Hellosunshine994378]

Blended family situation and looking for a sense check.

My partner’s child has recently moved into our home full time, which is obviously a big adjustment. Since then, there’s been a pattern where the child follows us from room to room or interrupts when my partner and I are together, and sometimes tries to take charge of plans or rules.

I don’t see this as bad behaviour. It seems anxiety-based and about needing reassurance after a big change, which I completely understand.

Where I’m unsure is the best response. So far, we’ve tended to accommodate it by keeping our relationship quite low-key, avoiding adult-only time, and reframing things like Valentine’s Day to avoid discomfort. The intention is to be kind, but the outcome is that our relationship feels very reduced in our own home.

My view is that in the long run, children feel safer when adults are calm and consistent… adult time is normal, adults make decisions, interruptions are gently redirected, and boundaries are clear. Avoiding this might help in the short term but risks reinforcing the anxiety.

My partner worries about upsetting the child and prefers to avoid conflict in the moment. I’m concerned that this isn’t sustainable and doesn’t actually help the child adjust.

AIBU to think it’s reasonable to protect some adult time and be clear that our relationship is allowed, while still being sensitive to the child’s needs?

Also to be fair to the OP she’s been catapulted into losing her evenings… I remember having a 1 year old that goes to bed at 7pm and you have 3-4 hours to yourselves. Just doesn’t exist once your kids get older.

9pm is far too early for a 14 year old.

What kind of private adult time are you looking for?

Can you give examples of how they are trying ti change plans or rules? I ask this because of they are saying they don't want to spend the day talking around a stately home/go to bed at 9pm this is typical.

Yep. I agree.

Poor child. I know what it's like as well.

You haven't said it explicitly but it's clear from your strange fixation on needing loads of "adult" time.

I think you have a bit of an unusual expectation of teen behaviour op.

This all sounds fairly standard to me, maybe not constant but even if it was its a big change for the young lad.

In 13 yesrs you may end up wishing your DC followed you from room to room. There are days when I only see my teens for maybe 30 mins, I miss them just being "there" 😔

DayI completely understand this is a big adjustment for them and I’m very conscious of not putting adult needs above a child’s wellbeing.

When I say “adult time,” I’m not talking about prioritising ourselves over the child or anything excessive. I mean basic adult conversations that simply can’t happen in front of children — things like finances, discipline, logistics, or concerns we need to work through as parents. At the moment, we can’t have these conversations at all unless it’s over text message, which isn’t workable and has already caused misunderstandings.

The following/interrupting doesn’t happen if only one of us is with the child. It only seems to happen when both of us are together in a room, which is why we think it’s linked to reassurance and adjustment rather than attention-seeking in general.

We’re also not trying to rush things. My partner and I have always had one night a month just for us, and we’ve currently put that on pause while things settle, which I think is reasonable. We do have family who could look after both children (including our 1-year-old), but we’re being cautious and taking things slowly.

My question is genuinely about the longer term. How do others balance being sensitive to a child who’s adjusting, while still making space for necessary adult conversations and occasional couple time so the household functions well for everyone?

OP is asking for "some" not "loads of" adult time.

It is perfectly normal - even when your dc are teenagers, even when your dc are 1 - to have a valentines evening together (if you can get a sitter etc)

It is normal for the adults in the house to make the decisions, agreed with a 14 year old you can ask for their input, but the adults have the final say.

Agree that it sounds anxiety induced, so the DP needs to make sure there is time for him and his child that is sacrosanct.

9pm is miserably early for a 14yo to be sent to bed, especially when they are looking to be sociable and enjoying your company.

I understand the frustration at losing couple time and the blow is usually softened by inches as bedtimes are extended incrementally as kids grow - but this is something you should suck up. This is how teens come to bridge the gap to adulthood, by spending time relaxing with parents.

As your own child is one and has what I'm assuming is an early bedtime it must be a shock to the system having an older child there every single night with a similar bedtime to you.

They are still a child though. And they do sound needy and anxious. Are they having any counselling?

I'd maybe set a regular night where you and your partner can go out for a meal and have a sitter? Or a relative babysit a few hours? Set this as a routine factual thing. I'd also set a regular routine thing where older child gets some weekly 1:1 time with dad eg they go for a Costa together maybe. Something just for them and dad so they feel important to them and get some 1:1.

I think you are right that routines and boundaries will help long term but I think these need to be realistic and caring of everyone in the home.

I think 9 is early for a 14 yp. What do mean by ‘adult time’ - how would that work?

Yes, I agree. Usually a parent gradually loses their time without dc in the evenings. But yes, there is no time without dc in the evenings unless the chi9d themselves decides that. They are just a part of what happens in the evenings unless they go to their room out of their own choice.

It’s the same at the weekends. They can join in with most of what’s happening if they want to.

I think you will get more constructive help if you can say how long the full time arrangement has been in place. Also the reason for the change bears some importance. For example, there is a big difference between the child requesting the move and the move made following a bereavement.

The child should be your priority.

'reframing things like Valentine’s Day to avoid discomfort.'

What is there to 'reframe' exactly?

This all sounds a bit like you and your partner are constantly canoodling and worried a child might walk in on you!

Sorry but as the parent of a teen we are a family and there's no protected adult time in the home as such. DD does spend plenty of time in her room, but it wouldn't occur to me to ask her to or expect it.

We do have time just DH and I when we go out or sometimes have friends for dinner when DD doesn't fancy joining us, but usually at home, the space is for the three of us and sometimes we're all together, sometimes 2 of us are and sometimes we're all sitting in separate rooms. But it is our home equally and I would never tell DD she needed to leave DH and I alone to protect adult time.

She goes to bed between 9.30 and 10.30b depending on how tired she is or if it's a school night. It's up to her, I don't tell her.

I think that’s a bit of a leap.

By “reframing Valentine’s Day” I meant avoiding acknowledging it at all, not canoodling. We’re talking about not being able to say “we’re going out for dinner” or have a grown-up conversation, not swinging from the chandeliers.

The issue isn’t a child walking in on anything… it’s that two adults currently can’t be in the same room without basic conversations being interrupted. Finances and parenting logistics aren’t exactly steamy.

You’re sending a 14 year old to bed at 9pm? Ridiculous. I understand that you’re the parent of a baby and don’t understand all this yet but your husband has been a parent for 14 years and should know better.

You have a teenager, your evenings are mostly gone now. You cannot send that teen to their room at 9pm every night. Evenings are family time now. Quite often, they will go up to their room and you get time to yourself but it’s their home and it should be available to them.

Maybe have one night a week when they need to be in their room.

The interrupting of conversations and trying to take charge of plans just needs to be dealt with. Nothing wrong with saying, “We’re speaking right now, you’ll need to wait.” And don’t let them change plans; tell them plans are decided already. If they follow you from room to room, you can just send them off. Tell them to stop following you around and go find something to do like homework or gaming or reading. This is a 14 year old, not a little kid so you can just talk to them. But you can banish them entirely from family rooms every night at 9pm.

Yes, this. It's just DS (13), DH and I in our household, and there isn't protected 'adult time'. In fact, I kind of enjoy it when DS opts to spend more time with us outside of his room. DH and I have conversations about stuff like logistics, finances. discipline etc whenever needed, often by phone when he's at school and we have a quiet moment at work.

Given your situation these are the practical suggestions I would make-

1. you can still have one night a month, arrange babysitting (however that looks for you) and make DSC aware of when that will be. They can get their head around it and it will become routine.
2. adult conversations can be scheduled. Use some annual leave or time owing from work to discuss during the day every few weeks etc.
3. adhoc adult conversations you can gently say to DSC “we need 1 hour to discuss something and then we are around again for TV together”

It isn’t clear what the circs are that have led to this outcome, but if DSC has any MH needs or needs to talk someone this should be facilitated. Have you a social worker or school nurse?

It’s going to be a big adjustment for you all, it will take time. Once DSC is more comfortable you will get some pockets of time now and then but for now I would suggest scheduling them in

It depends on the child’s age. They’ve just had a big adjustment moving in and i think they’re probably after reassurance. It’s also very new & It won’t be long until all this settles down and they get bored of your presence. I don’t get why you have to be less affectionate as long as your aren’t ramming your tongues down each others faces I don’t see the problem with a cuddle, hand holding, a peck on the cheek and a love you, I think that’s healthy for a kid to see.

set a time where if they come down after bedtime where you just stop interacting with them and send them back to bed in silence (unless they’re distraught) but if they’re coming down for a chat then I see nothing wrong with cutting that off. Make yourselves available to them at all other times. But you can guise a strict bedtime as a loving gesture. You want them to get enough sleep, that sleep makes you grow and repair. I’d also look at getting them into a club or activity that takes them out the house for an hour or 2. Just so they have a routine and it may tire them out so they go to bed. I don’t think it’s reasonable to expect adult time before 9pm though. That’s just life as a parent

What would happen if you said ‘we are going out for dinner on 29th Jan, do you want us to leave you in charge of 1 year old or shall we get Auntie Jean round?’

I’m not talking about asking a child to “leave us alone” or carving out special time in the home for romance. I mean being able to have basic adult conversations that can’t happen in front of children… things like finances or parenting decisions, without them being immediately interrupted.

At the moment, those conversations literally can’t happen unless it’s over text message, which isn’t workable.

I completely agree the home belongs to everyone. The challenge here is finding a way for two adults to function as parents and partners when a child is adjusting to a big change and struggles with us being together in a room.

Virtually all of our adult conversations that we don’t want the kids to hear are done either by text or in snippets between interruptions.

We have. 6 and a 10 year old and the younger one has SEN and is high need and cosleeps. We have hardly any time without a child present so we do the best we can to manage it.

yes dsc sounds anxious and possibly jealous, and they need to have lots of attention. It should ease off over time. Do they need some kind of therapy as well, if they’ve been through a rough time?

That’s really not difficult to sort. You go to your room or kitchen or something and tell the kid, “we’re chatting about adult stuff right now so go watch TV or play a game or something.” Just tell them to go away. It isn’t hard.

Just to add, it seems like this teen rarely enters her room, which might be because of anxiety, insecurity or a desire to be part of what we do almost all the time. Perhaps she was used to having just her mother around when she lived with her. But the point I wanted to make is that we don’t get much chance to talk when she’s in her room.

i assume because this child has come to live with you full time there has been some trauma or something happening in their other parents home which has lead them to need to live with you.

No wonder they’re anxious and acting out.

That being said you shouldn’t have to revolve your whole world around them. In any family it’s important that everyone knows that everyone and every relationship matters.

Your partner needs to be making sure he’s spending 1 on 1 time with his eldest, you all need to be spending time as a family and you and your partner need to be able to be a couple as well.