AIBU to want clearer boundaries around adult time in a blended family?

[Hellosunshine994378]

Blended family situation and looking for a sense check.

My partner’s child has recently moved into our home full time, which is obviously a big adjustment. Since then, there’s been a pattern where the child follows us from room to room or interrupts when my partner and I are together, and sometimes tries to take charge of plans or rules.

I don’t see this as bad behaviour. It seems anxiety-based and about needing reassurance after a big change, which I completely understand.

Where I’m unsure is the best response. So far, we’ve tended to accommodate it by keeping our relationship quite low-key, avoiding adult-only time, and reframing things like Valentine’s Day to avoid discomfort. The intention is to be kind, but the outcome is that our relationship feels very reduced in our own home.

My view is that in the long run, children feel safer when adults are calm and consistent… adult time is normal, adults make decisions, interruptions are gently redirected, and boundaries are clear. Avoiding this might help in the short term but risks reinforcing the anxiety.

My partner worries about upsetting the child and prefers to avoid conflict in the moment. I’m concerned that this isn’t sustainable and doesn’t actually help the child adjust.

AIBU to think it’s reasonable to protect some adult time and be clear that our relationship is allowed, while still being sensitive to the child’s needs?

Hm . Yeah.

You mentioned Valentine's day in your OP. Why would you cover up that you are in a romantic relationship? Send the flowers, buy the chocolates, it's fine to model healthy relationships.

Re private time, it's difficult for anyone with teenagers in the house. It's just how it is, however in another few months, when she's settled in, she'll hopefully be out and about with her own friends. Encourage hobbies and maybe a gym membership so that she has places to go to meet her own friends.

Such is life with an anxious and/or nosey teen. Talk when they are in school or at the ass crack of dawn. The problem is that this hasn’t crept up on you over the years you’ve been thrust in at the deep end.

YANBU.
However, you have made certain choices, being the adult.

Something feels off about this post and situation.

You talked in your op about keeping your relationship low key, reframing valentines day and protecting your relationship.

Now you are talking about wanting to have a discussion about money and how to tell your dsc off (assume this is what you mean when you say discipline).

I think you need to admit that you're struggling to adjust. Your dh is now more focused on his dd, you've lost your evenings and money is tight. Its not fun!

And it's ok to say it out loud!

Oh and to add to my overlong comments above...

I do think that encouraging your DSC to make their room their own a bit more is important. It was something we really emphasized when our (now) adopted DC came to live with us - it felt like a really tangible and visible way to communicate that our home was their home and they weren't guests or just there for the time-being. Make sure this extends to the bathroom they use as well; set aside drawer/shelf space and offer to get whatever containers or dividers they need, let them select toiletries, and keep baby items tidy if it's a shared bath. We also did things like include them in food-shop trips and menu planning to ensure we incorporated more things they like and made sure they had their own coat/backpack hooks and spots for shoes.

I know people say, no coming into parents bedroom. But my now adult DD’s were allowed if important. They always knocked and said can I talk. That was when I got there worries etc. Just before they went to sleep.
They would tell me etc then go off to sleep and leave me with the worry etc.

We often discuss things while DH is on his way home from work. I work from home so he calls as he's heading home and I don't have calls at that time most days so I can wrap up work while we chat. He usually picks up from nursery unless the traffic is terrible.

This will likely have to change when DD goes to school but we'll figure that out.

Basically, you work around the kids. Even when DD is in bed we don't usually have the deep/important conversations because a) we're tired and b) that's downtime. Unless it's absolutely necessary.

I think it depends on the household doesn’t it. We all go to sleep by 9ish! My 13yo is always asleep around then. As others have said it really helps with her anxiety and concentration.

People responding with ‘having a teenager is like another adult’ ‘there’s no privacy’ — you can’t have both. Adults do learn to give each other privacy. I am super close to my DDs (lone parent) but often say that I need space etc.

The problems all come from it being a step situation. I’m sorry to say that as I grew up
in a stepfamily and was once a SM. But I could never really relax in either of those situations. Growing up I had no bedtime etc but felt awkward and anxious. As a SM I like you often wanted my stepdaughter to give me more space. Not that different to my actual daughters, but with a totally different feeling behind it iyswim.

Good luck, I think getting her involved with the baby is a good idea. It gives a role.

Wow, so many people who don’t prioritize their relationship in anyway, that’s not healthy or sustainable. Completely agree couple time is important and especially in a blended family.

Unnecessary comment. Clearly the, OP wants to make it work and has measures already in place to facilitate an anxious child.

I’ve mentioned this before and it’s true, my partner and I are struggling. There’s nothing wrong with either of us. I’ve listed several things that happen including being followed room to room and interrupted while we’re talking. I then explain that I value some adult time and people asked what I meant. I explained that as the adult conversations we have day to day (again not daily) started to derail I was suggesting I was talking about my sex life which I wasn’t.

It’s a huge adjustment for everyone hence why I’ve asked how people manage things themselves and asking how we deal with such a sensitive situation. I am in no way perfect and I don’t have all of the answers but I am trying my bloody best to deal with a situation that takes quite some adjustment.

I have tried to breeze through these comments and I am surrounded and know so many people who allow a bit of time for their relationship as well. I just think it seems to be an idea that’s frowned upon once you’ve have children…

Talk in bed or when they're at hobbies, after school stuff friends etc.

Also yes most parents would try to stop their kid following them from room to room, butting into conversations.

just wanted to say you sound like a really lovely thoughtful person, I hope it’s all going smoothly for you

I know - why don't you send the child to boarding school?

If your parenting has even one ounce of the grace, patience and level headedness you have shown on this thread, whilst navigating huge domestic change, financial pressure, a one year old baby, then your children (step and biological) are very fortunate to have you. 🫶🏻 @Hellosunshine994378

@Reversetail

i know, it’s no wonder that there are so many divorces. Both children AND adults matter in a family.

You have the patience of a saint not to bite to some of the goady posters on here.

Are we sure it's not a step-dad though @Calliopespa, guess ma spidey senses could be well off though!

If she has always living just with her mum and has been removed suddenly due to issues, it sounds like she is used to the situation where there have been a lot of hushed conversations around her that do involve her. So she might be worried that you are talking about her.

What do you think would happen if you actually told her the reason for the conversation ie Dad and I just need to talk about a few bills we have received. How about you watch xyz (that she really likes), go have a shower, do xyz. It should take us about 15 minutes so when you have finished xyz we can all do abc together. That way she knows the general gist of what you are talking about, she knows it is not about her and she knows how long it will be before you all do something nice together.

This is a total storm in a teacup. You have issues you can't talk about in front of her, but not daily. Saying you can't talk after she's in bed in case she comes down and you have to go silent is ridiculous. Talk when you're in bed, when she's in the shower, at school, in the bath, taking a shit. It's not difficult. If you're annoyed shes joining in normal conversations that's part and parcel of having teens.

Having no boundaries at age 14 through fear of upsetting them is a dangerous game to play. DSC needs their parents to parent not try and be their best friend.
This doesn't mean you need to rule with an iron fist but maybe sit them down and talk to them about any fears or concerns they might have and then gently discuss how the family dynamics will move forwards from this point on.

Agree with this, not sure adult only time happens in a busy family home. Maybe plan a couple of nights out a month.

9pm is a very early bedtime for a 14 year old.