AIBU to want clearer boundaries around adult time in a blended family?

[Hellosunshine994378]

Blended family situation and looking for a sense check.

My partner’s child has recently moved into our home full time, which is obviously a big adjustment. Since then, there’s been a pattern where the child follows us from room to room or interrupts when my partner and I are together, and sometimes tries to take charge of plans or rules.

I don’t see this as bad behaviour. It seems anxiety-based and about needing reassurance after a big change, which I completely understand.

Where I’m unsure is the best response. So far, we’ve tended to accommodate it by keeping our relationship quite low-key, avoiding adult-only time, and reframing things like Valentine’s Day to avoid discomfort. The intention is to be kind, but the outcome is that our relationship feels very reduced in our own home.

My view is that in the long run, children feel safer when adults are calm and consistent… adult time is normal, adults make decisions, interruptions are gently redirected, and boundaries are clear. Avoiding this might help in the short term but risks reinforcing the anxiety.

My partner worries about upsetting the child and prefers to avoid conflict in the moment. I’m concerned that this isn’t sustainable and doesn’t actually help the child adjust.

AIBU to think it’s reasonable to protect some adult time and be clear that our relationship is allowed, while still being sensitive to the child’s needs?

At that age, in fact until late teens, my DDs went to bed at 9, shower, pottering round and in bed by 10 on a school night. They wouldn’t have been able to get up on time in the morning if they didn’t!

You can't be sure they're asleep then, though. Kids eavesdrop, just saying. And OP said nothing about sending them to their rooms for that reason.

Actually, I’d still keep the once a month might to yourselves going - because that’s the norm and she needs to adjust to the new norm in your home.

Just have them in bed before you go to sleep? Seems a reasonable solution.

Oh, mine did! My stepfather used to say 'it's my time now, Mangelwurzel'sMum' when he got home from work and my siblings and myself (not his own kids) were expected to make ourselves scarce. So this dynamic is something I've seen before. Of course, this may not be the case with the OP at all, and I may be misreading it and being randomly triggered, but that's a lot how it looks to me.

Any comment on the bedtime?

Yes broach it around a time when you are doing something for him e.g. trip to shop/ trip to school/ seeing his mates. Ignore is good to have time for you and we do the same have adult time just for adults. Children in non step families do this too e.g. look at this video, reel or something trivial they want to tell you but seems important to them. It depends on child maturity. If he had a similar age sibling he would be with him or her or arguing with him/ her. If he an only child to his parents he is seeking out company of those around him. And listen to him If he needs to chat about general things as it really supports or validates him. You don't need to always have solutions just listening is paying him attention.

That is absolutely not the case, we have 4-5 hours of mixed together time. Nobody is expected to be banished to their room as soon as I walk through the door, we all have dinner together. We found particular resistance to dinners I was cooking (which was causing unnecessary stress) so my DP has taken the lead on dinners whilst I do 1yos bath for a bit to save us both the stress with the plan to go back to 50:50 dealing with dinner.
We all watch tv together after dinner and then I usually do DC bedtime so DP and DSD get 1-1 time.
I’m in no way saying this is perfect but we are just trying to find our footing.

Why don’t you have these convos when the kid is in bed, being as they’re sent up at 9pm?

Which is def too early, in my opinion.

Surely she doesn't get into bed with you? Just have your conversations in bed at night.

I take it you're the stepdad, OP?

I'm sorry op but I just don't think trying to lure dc into their own room away from everyone is normal family behaviour.

Surely you don't have that many x rated, or adult-only conversations? DH and I often field the necessary ones with a phone call at lunch time. Finances etc are not such a big deal; lots of dc hear that sort of thing being discussed, and it's how they learn adult skills - if they don't zone out.

I suspect the issue is she senses you are trying to get rid of her presence and it's making her sticky. I think that's how I'd have responded if I felt I was being shaken off in my own home.

It’s a real shame that making a comfortable and inviting space for a step child is seen as luring her into her room.
PP stated their teens spend a lot of time in their room as asked me if she feels uncomfortable in hers or if there was anyway to make it more inviting as PP suggested teens being in their room a lot was the norm.
Nobody was suggesting banishing, it was merely about creating a warming and comfortable environment for a child to feel safe following being uprooted.

Hi OP,

No doubt plenty have said as much, but the adult chat is after they've gone to bed, I'm afraid. 13, almost 14 yr old with ASN here- he's not bathed & in bed until 10pm, so we grab a half hour chat/ making tea/ catching up on anything, then one hour of a programme we like before bed. It's no time at all, but the way of it. That and 1.5 hours on a Wed when he's at Scouts, or 1 hour Tues & Thursdays on the phone whilst one of us is waiting in the car/ on a walk whilst he's at karate. You literally need to squeeze every minute. Good luck.

All this and 9pm bedtime is too early. Honestly you would have another set of problems if the dsc wouldn't leave the bedroom so for now embrace this. Hang out together..start watching more tv shows together like friends or something.. having a 1 year old you can pack off to bed at 7pm and a teen are so very different. It is an adjustment...adult time for anyone with teens is very different. In a bit they will be busy and won't want to hang out so use this time well.

In truth she’s 14. She’s not an adult but she’s not a child either. You’ve been given full time care of a teen who by the sounds of it has little friends & a big upheaval. No talk about bad behaviour just a little interrupting. I have a 20 yo & a 15yo and despite them being easier I do think me & H have less time as a couple in the week. They both come down for a chat just as we’re about to chill. I think I haven’t noticed this transition because it happened gradually. You’ve been hit with it in 1 go. We all go to bed at the same time. The 20yo can stay up as long as they want to but my 15yo has to be in bed when we are and he can read a book or sleep. We do talk about some things in their earshot. Nothing major to worry them. But everything else is probably discussed by phone in the day or at bedtime.

what boundaries do you need to discuss in private. You’re now a major care for your step daughter you can surely put some in place. You can expect her to tidy up after herself. Her schooling & curfews id leave to her dad but things like chores and expectations around the home is surely something you can decide within reason.

Cant she be left 1 evening a month whilst you have a date night. Give her the option of inviting a mate over

Not read many Posts but I have 14 year old GD who is 15 in August - saw her over Xmas - she is like a young adult. Not a ''child'' at all really.

In The long term yes work on interrupting middle of sentences but otherwise the concept of ‘adult time’ in a house with children is a bit alien to me from my own experience growing up and my family now. The only adult time is when the children are in bed and that’s 9pm for my 8 year old, 9 is early for a 14 year old. I can’t really remember how I spent my own evenings as a 14 year old and did have a tv in my room (it was the 90s) but I always felt welcome downstairs and normally watched tv with my parents. What needs to be reframed about Valentine’s Day- surely any romance (other than a card if you are that way inclined) is not done in front of the children

Tbh, when you have children the world does revolve round them. No point otherwise. We used to either chat in bed or meet at lunchtime.

There will come a day when they move out and you will miss having them around.

You should make the most of it when you can.

I think part of the challenge is that we may be going about this the wrong way by framing it as “babysitting” or asking family to take her. We’re starting to approach it differently: for example, telling her “we’re doing X on this date… would you prefer to stay home alone or go to grandparents?”

The difficulty is that we can’t seem to get it right either way. When we organised for her to be with family, she wasn’t happy. When we suggest staying home alone, she says she doesn’t want to be on her own. It’s definitely a tricky balance while she adjusts to being full-time in our home.

Does your stepchild have friends and out of school activities yet, in your area? Cultivating these would help to ground her and give some 1:1 time with whoever is driving her around. Where does she do homework, reading, drawing, listen to music - the kind of activities that many of us like a quiet space.

I think it must be very difficult for all of you, making adjustments to live together. If you can allow (and encourage) involvement in appropriate decisions (choice of takeaway, film to watch, bowling or swimming) then you have more authority to say "This is not for negotiation".

The teenager should not be stopping you from going out one night a month, how did you arrange childcare for your baby previously?

There is nothing wrong with making her room nice but the truth op, as is evident in your op, is you are trying to create time and space without her present.

As other pp have said, in a family situation those times are quite few and far between. Most manage to snatch time for any truly sensitive conversations with phone calls or every-so-often nights out. I just think a lot of people do blend families without truly absorbing the level of what that really involves. Children are pretty omnipresent until they don't want to be, and it really has to come from them.

I think you are talking from own trauma maybe or trauma viewed around you as that is not the case. Not everyone is the same

No not everyone is the same. But I am really talking from a point of view of no trauma - in that sense - in that I always felt welcome to be in the room in my family home growing up. I don't think that is a massive ask.

What? Why do you keep talking to people with that sort of tone?

It very much is the norm. We’re all parents of teens and we’re telling you how normal it is that your adult time is severely curtailed and those conversation you need to have just have to happen at bedtime when you’re alone in your room, or you do have to say to your teens,”hey, get lost for a bit as we need to chat.” If she can’t take a, very gently said, invitation to leave so you can talk then you’ll have to do it when you’re in bed or when she is at school or out. But it is entirely normal for your private adult time to be few and far between when you’ve got kids this age.

You do get bedroom children who never come out and just grunt when you talk to them but you also get living room children who hang out with the family at night and head to their rooms for bedtime. You have the latter, for now. It is entirely normal.

You’re very condescending to anyone who tells you something you don’t want to hear, and you’ve ignored most of the advice you’ve been given if it doesn’t fit with your view that she should be in her room from 9pm and that’s that, and you should have private time whenever you want it. Life with kids isn’t like that. Life with traumatised kid definitely isn’t like that.

I think it would be reasonable to set a boundary (gently) that 14 year old does not go into your bedroom. You need your own privacy. Maybe start with this but don’t attempt to both go in to talk too soon. Get her used to the idea that it is your room and while she is welcome in other parts of the house, that is the exception. Meanwhile try and do as others have suggested and have discussions when she is not there.
Also do the room makeover and maybe agree that is her space and you will knock if you need to go in.
I think you see that you need to try and nip this in the bud else the time will never be right to make changes….it will be harder as she gets older.