I’m surprised at how few people can’t see this and seem to let everything revolve around their children.
My best friend is currently going through a divorce, she was with her husband from when they were both 17 and they had such a strong relationship I would never have expected it.
They have 3 kids (1 boy and two girls) and from when the kids came alone she changed completely.
Her husband was made to sleep in the spare bed whilst she co slept with all children till they were 3/4, even then one of her daughters was still insistent on sleeping with her mum when she wanted until she was 12 and demanded her dad slept in her bed.
Their friends and family constantly offered to babysit but my BF refused, she lost all her friends except me because she wouldn’t leave the kids - even as they got older.
Her husband fell out with his family after my BF made a huge fuss about his sister having a child free wedding.
It was a tiny wedding with literally just both parents, siblings and two friends each, it was 3 days abroad with a joint hen/stag then the wedding and an extra day of celebrations.
No kids were present at all and it was an adult only hotel!
My friend let her kids make decisions like where to go on holiday what to eat for meals and bedtimes, they interrupted their parents constantly and went into their bedroom and helped themselves, if my friend’s husband wanted them go out or away for a night as a couple then the kids would make such a fuss it didn’t happen.
My friend insisted that they were “centre of the household” so they literally controlled what was on tv and monopolised conversations with any visitors, as they got older their own friends came round and took over the living room so my friend and her DH would sit in their bedroom.
One of the biggest arguments was when my friend said the kids could take it in turns sitting in the front of the car and either parent who wasn’t driving would sit in the back, her DH said absolutely not and it was humiliating!
My BF’s husband ended up having an affair which I did find understandable but it’s so sad because they were so good together and if they had spent a bit more time together focusing on their relationship then they could have remained a happy stable family unit with kids who don’t think the world revolves around them.
The kids are 14, 16 and 19 now and they still do what they want in the house whilst my BF runs round after them also desperately acting like she is their friend now and hanging around when their friends come round and getting involved in friendship and boyfriend dramas.
Her ex is still with the other woman and she’s going to end up alone.
My mum was very similar and constantly put me and my sister before my dad with everything, it wasn’t healthy and I used to get very jealous and resentful on the few occasions she did prioritise her marriage.
I used to think I had the right to know everything they were talking about and my mum treated me far too much as an equal and my dad resented me. I realised as I got older that my mum had focused so much on me and my Dsis because she didn’t really love my dad and it makes me sad that we never had a good relationship because I didn’t respect him as I was made to feel more important
then him and it was so unhealthy.
My Dsis was the opposite and was always trying to tell me to give them space and telling them to hug and kiss and pushing them together out of fear of a divorce.
We are both in therapy!
I bet if OP had posted her own child was following her and her DH round the house, interrupting and being controlling and not wanting them to have alone time then some of these responses would have been so different.
I understand this child has had a difficult time but living with parents who don’t have time for each other and can’t have so much as a conversation isn’t going to be good for their relationship and I wouldn’t blame OP and her DP becoming frustrated.
The DC needs boundaries alongside love and understanding to feel secure.
I do think the OP’s responses have made it difficult to give proper advice and it’s hard to understand the full situation as there isn’t much information and just the same few sentences repeated full of theory speak about needing to have conversations in private.
Without knowing more of the DC’s background (like why they can’t talk after she’s gone to bed, is she at school? What was the big deal about Valentine’s Day?) then people have just done the usual of thinking badly of all step parents on mumsnet and assume OP is simply trying to get her step daughter out of the way. I didn’t read it like that but could easily be wrong, I read it that OP is just completely overwhelmed by a clingy teen trying to control everything out of insecurity and just wants a bit of occasional time to focus on herself and her relationship and not just end up like the stepmothers who give up everything but are never prioritised in any way.
A lot of people who commented about enjoying spending time with their children and about how it’s a family home and the kids have a right to be anywhere in the house aren’t in the same situation.
They aren’t being constantly followed and eavesdropped on with a needy teen desperate to for attention and the need to control things, their kids are likely not constantly trying to involve themselves in everything and are secure enough to not be jealous when parents show any signs of affection.
I think it’s bad advice to tell OP that she needs to let this continue and allow her stepdaughter to carry on with this level of control, if the relationship can’t survive from having no nurturing at all then it’s just leading to another broken home for her rather then a couple with a healthy relationship sheltering her from adult conversations and decisions and giving her love and security without giving her the power to run the household.