AIBU to want clearer boundaries around adult time in a blended family?

[Hellosunshine994378]

Blended family situation and looking for a sense check.

My partner’s child has recently moved into our home full time, which is obviously a big adjustment. Since then, there’s been a pattern where the child follows us from room to room or interrupts when my partner and I are together, and sometimes tries to take charge of plans or rules.

I don’t see this as bad behaviour. It seems anxiety-based and about needing reassurance after a big change, which I completely understand.

Where I’m unsure is the best response. So far, we’ve tended to accommodate it by keeping our relationship quite low-key, avoiding adult-only time, and reframing things like Valentine’s Day to avoid discomfort. The intention is to be kind, but the outcome is that our relationship feels very reduced in our own home.

My view is that in the long run, children feel safer when adults are calm and consistent… adult time is normal, adults make decisions, interruptions are gently redirected, and boundaries are clear. Avoiding this might help in the short term but risks reinforcing the anxiety.

My partner worries about upsetting the child and prefers to avoid conflict in the moment. I’m concerned that this isn’t sustainable and doesn’t actually help the child adjust.

AIBU to think it’s reasonable to protect some adult time and be clear that our relationship is allowed, while still being sensitive to the child’s needs?

How old is the child?

ETA - is your partner's child the only child in the home?

I think because it's recent and they are clearly anxious I wouldn't push it, let them feel secure first. It's a huge deal to move out from the patient you've always lived with. Over time yes have set times that are for you. Also see what activities etc they want to do as that gives ideal opportunity. Also how old and when do they go to bed? Evenings are often the adult time in most houses.

How old is the child?

14 sorry, we have DSC and DC (1 year)

bedtime is 9pm which isn’t always stuck to

Completely depends on the age of the child. Up to around a certain age they need to feel they can interrupt your “adult” time to ask anything, feel included etc. It’s a horrible feeling to make them feel they can’t just sit with you and be part of whatever you’re doing. As they become older teens they tend to do their own thing more and sit in their rooms a lot which gives you back your adult time.

How recently has the child moved to be with you full time? And what are the circumstances behind the move? Does he or she still have contact with their other parent?
And I think a 9pm bedtime for a 14 year old is very early.

What do you mean by 'adult only time', though? I mean, if you also have a one year old, I'm assuming your relationship is pretty 'low-key' currently anyway?

9pm for a 14 year old?! That’s way too early. My Ds is 13 and we have a rule he has to come off the Xbox at 10pm and have a shower etc but bedtime is 11pm. He can read in bed (no gadgets in rooms). He comes and sits with us from around 10pm onwards.

I don’t understand what you mean by adult time really, you are a family all living together, 2 adults a 15 year old and a 1 year old. You all share the space apart from bedrooms. Adult only time would only really be when in bed or if DCs are out of the house?

Anxious teenagers can be eerily similar to toddlers tbh. Wanting to be near a parent, following a parent from room to room, talking constantly - they are seeking connection and security. Trying as it is, the parent needs to meet those needs as much as possible. It will generally ease off when the child starts to feel more settled - IF the needs are met adequately and lots of love and reassurance given.

This is all framed in terms of being about the needs of the child, but honestly, it sounds like you just find the step child a pain in the arse.

Poor kid.

You expect a 14 year old to go to bed at 9pm??? That's ridiculous

when have I said this? This is a ridiculous response just to be able to say ‘poor kid’

What do you mean by adult time? How is it that you want your days/family time to look?

Will you ban your own child from interrupting you when they are scared or anxious?

You took on an adult with a child. You have to make it work for the child because they have no agency at all here and they are vulnerable. If you are not prepared to make sacrifices then you should have made other choices.

A 14 year old following you from room to room isn't normal. Are they receiving any therapy?

9pm bedtime for the 1 year old you mean?

I think your relationship quality time needs to go on the back burner until the 14 year old is settled, even if that takes a v long time, or there's a high risk of them feeling unwanted. Fine to have date nights out of the home if you can get someone to babysit your one year old but I don't think you should be trying to have couple time away from DSC in the home or they'll feel rejected. Sorry though this sounds like a tough adjustment for you

What would you describe as adult time? I'm not sure what you mean by that?

Is it a children should be seen and not heard type thing so you too can just do your own thing? I think you may be asking too much anyway, especially at this stage of upheaval.

9pm bedtime for a 14 year old is early.

They won't be 14 forever and having just gone through a huge change. I can't work out the split, you have a 1yo together and then DSC - other children? Your children? Or just your shared 1yo and your partner's 14yo?

Personally, I think you fit your relationship around the children like you must do with your 1yo. You'll be together forever right? Plenty of time for adult time in the future.

To be fair my 14 year old goes to bed at 9pm (their own choice). If they didn’t I would send them at 10pm though because that’s when I go to bed!

What do you mean by adult only time? When you all live together as a family to be honest that's not a concept I recognise. You have a young person living with you and if its their home then they will always be around, its not like having a baby who goes to bed early and leaves you with time alone, that ebbs away as children get older and the dynamics chnage.

Hard disagree with this. No 13yo should be playing Xbox to 10pm.

A rule of 9pm in your room is absolutely fine. He can read, listen to podcasts etc if not tired enough to sleep. But he should be asleep before 10pm anyway for good health.

Just remember that your partner’s child is (and should be) more important to them than you are.

I think “adult time” pretty much goes out of the window when you have children so I voted YABU.