AIBU to want clearer boundaries around adult time in a blended family?

[Hellosunshine994378]

Blended family situation and looking for a sense check.

My partner’s child has recently moved into our home full time, which is obviously a big adjustment. Since then, there’s been a pattern where the child follows us from room to room or interrupts when my partner and I are together, and sometimes tries to take charge of plans or rules.

I don’t see this as bad behaviour. It seems anxiety-based and about needing reassurance after a big change, which I completely understand.

Where I’m unsure is the best response. So far, we’ve tended to accommodate it by keeping our relationship quite low-key, avoiding adult-only time, and reframing things like Valentine’s Day to avoid discomfort. The intention is to be kind, but the outcome is that our relationship feels very reduced in our own home.

My view is that in the long run, children feel safer when adults are calm and consistent… adult time is normal, adults make decisions, interruptions are gently redirected, and boundaries are clear. Avoiding this might help in the short term but risks reinforcing the anxiety.

My partner worries about upsetting the child and prefers to avoid conflict in the moment. I’m concerned that this isn’t sustainable and doesn’t actually help the child adjust.

AIBU to think it’s reasonable to protect some adult time and be clear that our relationship is allowed, while still being sensitive to the child’s needs?

I get no 'adult time'! One or both teens is generally hanging out with me the whole time (when they're at home). I don't care as I love spending time with both of them and will be sad when it stops, which it inevitably will one day. But having an expectation of time alone isn't something you can really take into parenting!

Honestly, I do think it sounds like you’re trying to do your best in a difficult situation, with new routines, a new sibling and navigating the teen years.

No step kids here, but I do remember the loss of our evenings ones the kids no longer had a 7:30 bed time. It did feel like our evenings were no longer our own.

So, I think it’s partly the new situation and insecurity and partly normal. It’s also not uncommon for teens to think their input is just as important as an adult’s in many conversations, even in cases when it’s clearly not.

It’s an age where is can be nice to find a few shows the three of you can watch while the baby is asleep. Pause or discuss in the ad breaks, let the teen get their opinions out then and debate options, without them being about your own family, just more general stuff. Then, upstairs for them at 10 for some quiet time before bed.

Give them a bit longer with you between baby’s bed time and their own quiet time, include time for them to chat then. I probably wouldn’t mention to them right now the need for them to stay out of your other conversations, but I would frame it as while they have their quiet time, the two of you, as parents also need a bit of time to chat and relax.

If you need extra time, grab the teen and one of her friends on a weekend, take them to the local mall for a couple of hours and you and DH go to a coffee shop for a drink and a chat. Find a way to make it a bit of a ritual where the teen thinks it’s about her getting an outing with a friend. Try to make it a win/win situation for you all.

Also, depending on how long the teen has been there, and you may have already done this, maybe have a chat to her about anything you and DH can do to make her room feel more relaxing and like a comfy personal space. Even adding photos of friends on the walls and some fairy lights might make it feel like a good space to relax in after 10pm and before bed.

Other than that, ride it out, it’s likely that time and her growing up a bit will help anyway.

And still ignoring what’s being said to you and only replying to the post with ideas to get this girl to go to her room alone every night so you get your life back.

This isn't about agreement or disagreement, it is about the factual circumstances.

You (quite endearingly) offered yourself up as the gold standard, but clearly described a situation that is not comparable to the OPs.

I think there’s actually two separate things here. One is day-to-day adult conversations we can’t have in front of the child… finances, co-parenting, behaviour, family issues. The other is our monthly night out together, which we’re carefully reintroducing now that things are settling. Both are about being able to function as parents and partners, not about creating extra free time.

Same. Even when I go to bed, my 17-year old son is as likely to follow me up and flop down next to me if my husband isn't there already. On nights he goes out and comes in at 3am he'll message me 'You awake?' and if I am, will invite me downstairs to make him a hot chocolate (so kind of him!) and a chat about his night.

I don't ever want it to stop. He'll leave home before I know it.

That’s not the case, there are far too many to respond to so I’ve selected the ones that explain my viewpoint and add details needed to understand the situation

Thank you to the many helpful posters ♥️

@Hellosunshine994378for a night out you hire a babysitter. The other stuff you discuss when she’s in bed if she really can’t be around.

The fact that you want to discuss things that do involve her at 14 I suspect is the problem - it is a difficult age anyway moving from being a child to an adult through being a teenager - isn’t quite old enough to be included isn quite young enough to not realise

and I suspect a lot of it is due to no control so is trying to be involved because she wants agency and control

Aw, I know the feeling, this sounds so familiar! Mine is 16 and will still get into my bed for a chat (about him, obvs!). Luckily I have no secrets as neither teen is that arsed about me having any privacy either!

Children are the centre of the family not the other way round.

Strongly agree here so not entertaining the 9pm bedtime conversation with those that don’t agree.

We are talking about a child that had no bedtime/structure. The structure has easily been such an amazing positive in their life. It’s made a massive difference. Those who haven’t experienced it wouldn’t know.

@QuinqueremeofNiveneh no babe I gave an example based on my own experience - not sure why you think your advice is better than anyone else's when you are just going off your own experience.

It isn't just my opinion by the way a quick google will tell you "teenagers generally need 8 to 10 hours of sleep per night for optimal growth, learning, and mood, though some sources suggest 9-9.5 hours as ideal, with a range of 7-11 hours being common."

on looking further "Teens with anxiety need 8-10 hours of quality sleep per night, as insufficient sleep worsens anxiety, depression, and mental health; consistent sleep schedules, reduced screen time before bed (at least 1 hour), a cool/dark/quiet environment, and daytime light exposure are key, with weekend catch-up sleep helping, but consistency is best for managing anxiety symptoms."

A 9pm -10pm bedtime for teens is not me making shit up - you just don't like it for some reason.

I completely agree with this, my 14 year old is always in her room for quiet time by 9pm Sunday - Thursday, lights off and sleeping at 10pm. Sleep is incredibly important for teenagers!

14 year old bed at 9pm is much better than people saying their 13 year old is still gaming at 10pm 🤦‍♀️

Anyways.....adult time is a funny phrase, do you mean time alone without the kids? Doesnt really happen especially if you have a 1 year old?!

What might help with the anxious teen in spending some quality time with them each night, this is what we tend to do (12 and 6 year old)
Eldest has a snack and does homework before tea.
After tea, we play a board game, or we all play the switch or PS5. Then our youngest does her spellings and reading and our eldest has some chill time (usually watching traitors at the mo 😂) when our youngest goes to bed at 7, our eldest gets ready for bed and then if we are doing something suitable for her and she wants to join ij she can, if its not an age appropriate tv show for example she will continue doing her own thing. She understands we need some quiet time too (both work in a challenging school) at 8.30 all screens off, we say good night and she reads til 9pm.
If there is anytging bothering her or things she wants to talk about we do it at dinner.
You can have adult only time but you also need to factor in quality time too

OP - if you and your husband are constantly whispering in corners, then your SC is definitely going to feel excluded and want to know what you're talking about.

I come from a background with some really awful stepparenting so tend to be cynical about stepparents but the tone of your comments is making me go 'hmmmm.'

Has she had to move schools? She may feel lonely. Could you suggest you take her and a mate out and maybe have the friend over for a sleepover? Love the redecorating idea. It’s something she can think about and get involved with.

Have these conversations when she goes to bed.
That’s what every other parent of teens does. Or when she’s at an activity.

You are being utterly unreasonable and a little cruel with your suggestions

I'm not quite sure what your point is?! I'm saying it does make a difference that it's a stepdaughter. Also, I didn't say her experience was the same as my DDs - my point was that her behaviour was very different to what I was used to and not at all like her brothers'. As I said, it was her personality and, actually, in the end it was me that she wanted to be close to. She already had a close and loving relationship with her dad - she was trying to bond with me. After I got over my confusion and initial discomfort, I embraced it and we shared so many fun evenings bonding over rubbish tv and talking nonsense. She now knows I'm a stable and loving step-parent for her. I don't think we would have got there without having so much time together. She was only with us 50/50 in any case and has a very close relationship with her Mum.

One is day-to-day adult conversations we can’t have in front of the child… finances, co-parenting, behaviour, family issues.

Sorry but you you are absolutely NOT having these conversations every single evening. We've had times when we have had some serious shit going on and even then we don't need to speak every single night.

You just don't like the change in dynamics of it not just being you and your DH in the evenings.

Well very simply (1) is something that happens while she's at school or last thing in the day when you're all in bed and (2) is fine and you can do that. As she gets more settled maybe she'll have more hobbies or friends and she'll be out more often as would be typical. My daughter is autistic so doesn't really socialise much, but she does have dance class almost every day so we have other pockets of random time occasionally without both kids at home. But if they're home, they have as much right to any of the house as we do so I wouldn't tell them to stay away from us or anything like that.

I wouldn’t expect adult only time when I’m with the children to be honest. So for example, you and DH watching a movie and expecting DC to occupy themselves elsewhere in the house when they have no siblings they can play with… not sure if this is what you mean sorry, but if so then it’s a bit unrealistic.

Adult only time is important though, we get a babysitter and go for dinner in the evening for example.. given the recent transition I would suggest a known babysitter, like a grandmother/friend/aunt if possible.

She's gone from no bedtime to 9pm?! You're really setting yourself up to be the wicked stepmother here!

I didn’t once say we have these every evening. Someone asked me to explain what I meant by adult time. I’m not suggesting we need every night to ourselves. I was wondering if anyone had any help around how to fit this in when we aren’t able to have a minute to ourselves, and our only adult time is interrupted. That was all.