AIBU to want clearer boundaries around adult time in a blended family?

[Hellosunshine994378]

Blended family situation and looking for a sense check.

My partner’s child has recently moved into our home full time, which is obviously a big adjustment. Since then, there’s been a pattern where the child follows us from room to room or interrupts when my partner and I are together, and sometimes tries to take charge of plans or rules.

I don’t see this as bad behaviour. It seems anxiety-based and about needing reassurance after a big change, which I completely understand.

Where I’m unsure is the best response. So far, we’ve tended to accommodate it by keeping our relationship quite low-key, avoiding adult-only time, and reframing things like Valentine’s Day to avoid discomfort. The intention is to be kind, but the outcome is that our relationship feels very reduced in our own home.

My view is that in the long run, children feel safer when adults are calm and consistent… adult time is normal, adults make decisions, interruptions are gently redirected, and boundaries are clear. Avoiding this might help in the short term but risks reinforcing the anxiety.

My partner worries about upsetting the child and prefers to avoid conflict in the moment. I’m concerned that this isn’t sustainable and doesn’t actually help the child adjust.

AIBU to think it’s reasonable to protect some adult time and be clear that our relationship is allowed, while still being sensitive to the child’s needs?

You can go to bed at 9PM and have the adult conversations there?

It sounds like there’s been a lot of upheaval in this girl’s life. As the mum of three teens and young adults this is quite common behaviour. Bit all conversations need to be held behind closed doors - it’s useful for teens to understand how households work, but if it’s something private, do it upstairs in your room and tell the teen she’s not allowed in for the conversation because it’s about stuff that doesn’t concern her. Are you expecting her to babysit your youngest? How does she feel about the change in circumstances and the addition of a younger sibling?

You tell her to go away (obviously in nicer words!). And you have your conversation but you need to realise that life is different with teens yet you’re still complaining that she won’t “reliably leave you alone in the evening”. Why should she?
You need to realise that evening aren’t your time anymore. Teens don’t go to bed at 9pm. I have two teens and they’ve always been living room kids; we hang out together. It is much much better than bedroom kids. We are a lot closer than a lot of the families I’m friends with and I know a lot more about their lives than my mum friends know about their bedroom kids lives.

You don’t seem to be listening to anything that is being said to you.

If you need to talk, then you tell her that you’ve got work and adult stuff to talk about so she needs to go watch a movie or something. Just tell her. But outside of that, you can’t ring fence “adult time” and you certainly need to stop complaining about the evenings. Your expectations are off.

How recently has dsc moved in?

what about having a quiet time or meeting time of 30 mins where DSc knows it’s coming once a week. They can watch tv and you guys can have your chats.

if dsc won’t engage with therapy then you two might need to go to learn some tools on how best to approach when dealing with teens who have experienced trauma.

Are you a man, OP? There is a controlling tone to your posts, IMO.

Also people have asked you some key questions about the circumstances of DSC coming to live there. You don't have to answer specifically, but you need to say whether there is trauma, loss, social care involvement for instance, as this has a bearing on the advice.

9 pm is far too early for a 14 year old to go to bed. Try 10pm. As this happens at least some of the time, why can't you have your 'important adult conversations' then?

I think your priorities are all wrong.

You talk a lot about how you need private time 1 to 1 to have all these important conversations - but how much 1 to 1 time is SDC getting with dad and without you?

Unless you about to go bankrupt or are sorting out logistics for a possible cancer diagnosis I don't know why you can't talk about these things in front of SDC. It's important for then to grow up financially aware.

Based on this response, I’d guess you don’t have much experience with children uprooted from their homes and thrust into uncontrollable situations. Small things that seem normal to others can be incredibly difficult for a very sensitive and insecure child. I was simply seeking practical advice and explaining why certain “easy” suggestions aren’t effective for us. A conversation about going out together can escalate into a full-blown argument at home. Which leaves my DP feeling incredibly guilty

there are also wider family and co-parenting issues involving the child’s mother that we have to discuss and agree on. I am helping my DP to form a consistent and united parenting front so some discussions need to be had there and then

Hmm this sounds awfully like you are telling your DP how he and his ex should raise their 14 year old.

How long has she been living with you full time? What is the background to the move away from her mum's?

I think you are struggling as your other child is so small. Most of us with teens have got there gradually and I'll be honest, I like sharing my space with my teenage son. I have a younger son and a partner too. It's an adjustment for all of you. does she have space to go to where she can do her own thing? Watch her own TV, read, game, whatever it is she enjoys.

Honestly... It's not too early. And x box till 10?! Not great. Sleep is incredibly important for learning. Consolidation of learning happens in sleep. Kids are routinely not getting enough sleep.

If you need in the moment chats you need to say in a kind way “please give us a moment as we need to have an adult conversation.”

the rule for your bedroom should be not entry without knocking? So if you need in the moment chats you go there and have them.

A teenager shouldn’t just be wandering in and out of your room when you are in there without knocking.

Ime (ds 14 moved full time with us) dh gave us some space to negotiate the change in our relationship... For example me and ds decorated his room to his spec.. Dh left us to it!! Ds wanted to discuss new school /seeing siblings still at his df's... Dh left the whole kaboodle to me...
In a very short space of time ds was settled and he developed a greater relationship with dh than he had before...
Ds is now 24....him and dh are close... Your dh needs to navigate the new setup without worrying too much about your feelings right now.

And ds moving over was done by dh without prior discussion... A given he was welcome. Can you say that?

Not at all

But I’m not talking about a conversation about going out together. This is what I mean; you keep moving the goalposts when you’re given advice for the issue you’re talking about, and you start saying that it won’t work for another issue. So?

You wanted to know how to have adult conversations about finance etc. You tell her, “Sorry Sarah, your dad and I need a quick word about some work stuff so we’re going to do that over a coffee in the kitchen while you do your homework/watch a movie and then in half an hour, I’ll bring through some popcorn and we’ll join you.”

Then you have your conversation. But you’ve ignored that advice and now said, “well, you just don’t understand because that won’t work when we try to talk about going out together.” So? That’s not the advice I was giving.

I worked in children’s mental health. I do know. But you sound like the problem here, not the kid. Your expectations are the issue. You’re given advice to be able to have your adult conversations but you ignore it and come back with complaints about not being able to go out and not getting alone time even night from 9pm. But those expectations of yours are totally off.

You can have private conversations by talking to her and letting her know gently and being quick about it. You cannot send her to bed at 9pm and, for the moment, whilst she is working through some trauma, you can’t go out for a bit. That’s just life sometimes. You sacrifice when needed. That will come when she settles down.

@Hellosunshine994378 never mind "reframing" Valentine's Day and skipping date nights. What you need to reframe is your own approach.

Your entire post, fundamentally, is about you and your supposed inability to attend to life admin (come on...) with the child around.

The fact is that you have chosen to share your life with a man who already has a child. And now you've chosen to have a child of your own with him. This is a very complicated set of circumstances. It is not at all the same as starting from scratch with another childless person and building a family of your own.

Did you ever, for even a moment, stop to think about the consequences of your decision-making? Do any reading about "blended" families? Anticipate problems, plan strategies?

Life's unfair. Some step-parent/step-child situations work effortlessly. Yours hasn't. There is clearly an anxious and unsettled child in your home. You need to put that child first. It is every adult's responsibility.

Ah, it's a Stepdaughter - that does make a difference you know.I have one of these - we're a blended family of 3 DDs and 2 DSs. Only one of them was/is like it. It's very suffocating and you're trying to be overly polite in your language. My DSD wouldn't give us a moment alone and there wasn't a single conversation or words shared that she didn't want to be a part of. She was insecure and very needy - it's just her personality and I found it really hard to adjust to as my DDs are nothing like that. We all respect each other's space. Luckily, my DSD grew up and has done a lot of work on herself to change as it was stressful and damaging for her as well as a recurrent theme in all parts of her life - lots of fall outs with friends and being very possessive. It's still in her but I love her too much to care now and, actually, they all grew up and moved out so we have lots of space now. I would say, it's something you'll get used to...don't fight it...but why don't you and your husband go to bed earlier and you can have private time then. I don't mean go to bed before her...just be clear that you're going up to bed at 10pm so there's a cut-off.

I don't think you can have 'adult time' with a teenager. It's not how it works.

I went to bed at 9pm untill sixthform. I was allowed to read till 10 then lights out. No phone or laptop in my room.
Teens need loads of sleep. An 11 pm bedtime for a 13 is foolish.

You are allowed adult time.
A 14 year old is old enough to understand this. Even if they have moved from one parents home to another.

Perhaps family therapy could be useful.

You don’t get the same sort of adult time as a parent of teenagers. They are up and about at similar(ish) times to me.
It’s that simple.

Behavioural issues relating to the 14yo? What kind of issues are you trying to address, exactly?

What adult time are you talking about? Watching TV together alone? Eating dinner together alone?

When your 1 year old is 14, NONE of your time other than in bed will be alone. Same for your 'D'SC.

Maybe give the poor kid some alone time with their father.

There are probably subconsciously looking for reassurance in a way that you are finding overwhelming. This is understandable. You’ve gone from having a one year-old in the house who probably doesn’t understand anything yet, to having someone in the house who understands everything and also wants to go beyond understanding the basics.

You said they are reluctant to go in their room, I wonder if there’s anything you could put in their room to make them feel more secure in there? Most 14-year-olds do enjoy spending a portion of time in their bedroom because it is a private space, even if they are just reading, or watching the TV, or perhaps playing on video games? I’m not saying this is the answer to all your questions, but carving out a private space in the house that they genuinely enjoy spending time in could reframe the idea that you are pushing them away, but more creating a space that is just for them.

Were you from a broken family, living in a new place with a new half-sibling?

That is the reality of life with a child and especially a child that has been uprooted and needs reassurance and emotional support.
I don't think it is unreasonable for the child to want to be in the same room as you, for him to have some say in decisions or to want to take part in conversations

You absolutely need to shelve those discussions until DSC is in bed.

What do you want them to do? Go to their room and stay there? I guarantee you won't act this way around your own child.