AIBU to want clearer boundaries around adult time in a blended family?

[Hellosunshine994378]

Blended family situation and looking for a sense check.

My partner’s child has recently moved into our home full time, which is obviously a big adjustment. Since then, there’s been a pattern where the child follows us from room to room or interrupts when my partner and I are together, and sometimes tries to take charge of plans or rules.

I don’t see this as bad behaviour. It seems anxiety-based and about needing reassurance after a big change, which I completely understand.

Where I’m unsure is the best response. So far, we’ve tended to accommodate it by keeping our relationship quite low-key, avoiding adult-only time, and reframing things like Valentine’s Day to avoid discomfort. The intention is to be kind, but the outcome is that our relationship feels very reduced in our own home.

My view is that in the long run, children feel safer when adults are calm and consistent… adult time is normal, adults make decisions, interruptions are gently redirected, and boundaries are clear. Avoiding this might help in the short term but risks reinforcing the anxiety.

My partner worries about upsetting the child and prefers to avoid conflict in the moment. I’m concerned that this isn’t sustainable and doesn’t actually help the child adjust.

AIBU to think it’s reasonable to protect some adult time and be clear that our relationship is allowed, while still being sensitive to the child’s needs?

You do sem to keep making excuses. If she goes to bed at nine, you have all that time afterwards. Or when you go to bed yourselves. If you need a conversation earlier, send her to do her homework and talk while you cook. This has nothing to do with her being a stepchild, it's the reality of having children. You need to be able to say "Go watch tv for 10 minutes, we need to sort something". You seem to have a dream of defined 'adult time', bt with four people in the house, you just grab what you can.

Are you a man, OP?

I’d be interested to know this too.

Believe me OP, you'll get better at it. But we really don't have a great deal of things to discuss that the kids can't hear. If we do then we text, or I have to follow DP if he goes somewhere alone. We're open about almost everything, but sometimes we'll discuss allowing a sleepover or a spend on the children (anything which needs to be presented in a united way, so no bad cops) by WhatsApp.

@QuinqueremeofNiveneh it wouldn't matter - 9pm/10pm is still a normal bed time for a teen. My DSD (15 this spring) goes up at 9, teens need sleep - especially if they are having anxiety issues as a lack of sleep will only exacerbate the situation.

Do you understand how your step-daughter's experience will have been radically different from your own daughters'?

Fathers are not mothers. They are far less important to children, on the whole, and provide much less of the kind of emotional grounding and sense of safety, to girl children in particular. Especially in a scenario like yours where the girl child's mother has been removed from the equation.

It is a completely different thing to exist in a "blended" family as the daughter of the father than the daughter of the mother.

We have DS8 at home. We have conversations in the kitchen whilst making dinner, or in bed at night/ first thing in the morning. But there’s hardly anything we need to speak “privately about” (makes me feel like there should be 😂).

I think the not talking about valentines is silly. There’s no need to not talk about it. Although how much talking really is there!

I’m not sure what you mean by “adult time”. Do you mean time when stepchildis not allowed to be in the same room as you? Would you do that to your own child? The way you talk about them following you from room to room is odd, surely that’s just a family being together. All eating in the kitchen, all watching TV in the lounge etc… unless you mean following you into the bathroom.

Having grown up with step-parents, I would have been heartbroken to think any of them were trying to get away from us, or complaining about us being in the same room as them.

The only guaranteed ”adult time” when you have kids is after lights out, or when they’re in school or with a child-minder.

100% agree with this.

If you don't see that it matters, and therefore lack insight into this particular scenario, then you really should not be commenting on this thread.

By adult time do you mean sex?

OP your later posts are describing complications and challenges that are very different from your first post. In that you talked about 'adult-only time', 'our relationship feels very reduced in our own home', 'adult time is normal', reasonable to protect some adult time' and 'our relationship is allowed'. I think those are the things that people are responding to, and they sounded like rather unreasonable expectations for most people parenting teenagers.

You have since added context about some of the more private discussions you need to have due to being in an unusual situation, but really, for most people discussions about things like finance logistics don't need to take much time at all, and don't necessarily happen without the child around. DH and I talk about finance with DD present most of the time (not necessarily listening, but in the same room reading or listening to something herself), and about decisions like do we need to save to repair something or redecorate etc. We talk about logistics with DD there, and we talk about other people in our lives etc. There are very limited things that we would not want her there for, and for those we'd do the kind of thing others have suggested here: 'DD Dad and I just need a minute to discuss a couple of things about Nanna and her Drs appointments, go get the TV ready with the movie and we'll be in in a minute'. It's really not a lot of time needed for that kind of thing. If you need a lot of time for this kind of discussion then you will need to maybe take some leave or meet for lunch when kids are at school or similar.

14 year old with a recent move, it's going to depend on the circumstances but it seems they can't live with mum anymore so theres going to be an element of associated trauma. Even if it's their choice (lots of teens move from one parent to the other particularly if the other parent isn't coping for any reason) How long have you been with dad and what was the relationship like prior to moving in, did they spend lots of time at your house with dad or was it occasional weekends ? That would also be a big factor in how used to the arrangements they may be. 9pm for a 14 year old is too early unless they've been having issues in school with falling asleep etc. As for 'adult time' that will need to be worked out. Presumably there are times when they are out with friends or online or doing homework etc

Hey OP- I'm a Stepmum with a 15 yo SD who lives full time with us. We also have 2 young DS (10 & 7) the adjustment period can be tricky we found that SD would flit from being really quite clingy to being really very distant and at time bloody horrible. They have to find their balance though and where they fit into family life etc. Whilst we just assume they will slot in for them it's a big change. So be patient.
However, whilst you do need to be patient I would also be mindful of having some boundaries as Teens are manipulative (not all but some and after some big changes it could result in this) I would maybe suggest that after tea/dinner that your SC helps to clear up and then take themselves off for a shower or bath etc and that you and their dad need to just discuss some adult stuff with some quiet time. Is your SC involved with your 1 year old? You could maybe get them involved with the baby and have them help there maybe have sometime playing with the baby whilst you and DH have that adult time. That way your involving them and also giving some trust and responsibility so they would also feel important etc.

Just some ideas but I feel for you it's tricky but you will get there. Remember though that there must be some boundaries and that you are all living this & all affected to some degree so have to adapt to a new way of life and working as a team.

When my children were teenagers we had those conversations in bed or when they were at friends etc. Amd I'm pretty sure they didn't go to bed as early as 9pm .

The big elephant in the room - and which you haven't disclosed - is why the 14-year-old had to leave her mother's home, and more pertinently, did she want to? If she didn't, and you've had a reluctant 14-year-old thrust into your life because her mother is in prison/rehab or whatever (which is what I assume these 'adult' conversations must be about because I've never had any with my exH that we couldn't say in front of the kids) then that must be hard, but something about the way you're framing it says you just don't want her there either. Be careful about that.

Going to bed at 9pm is far too early for a 14-year-old, who is transitioning to adulthood. If she wants to hang out with you and her dad, then let her. Give her time to adjust. Show her that she's welcome in your home instead of seething because you can't have these 'adult conversations' - which are going to make her feel like a third wheel, btw. It's tough being a stepparent but she's part of your family, not a random kid you're just tolerating in your home.

It'll work itself out. She'll become less anxious (as you say, her feelings are understandable) and feel like she needs to be less in the middle of things. Though I do wonder whether her need to make sure you avoid alone time together is less anxiety and more, I don't want my Dad having a relationship with anyone else so I'm going to make sure he can't.

Only you know that. But even if it is that, it's also a predictable response to the scenario she's found herself in. It's a difficult age for her to leave one home and move into another.

I think you need to revise your expectations around how much privacy/'adult time' you have with a teenager in the house though. As she gets older, she won't have a bedtime (and yes, 9pm is too early for a 14yo). And some kids are clingier than others and will sit with you all night. You can stop the interrupting because that is objectively rude behaviour, but it's her house too now and you can't keep sending her away because you're having a grown up discussion/want 'adult time'.

You need to schedule the grown up discussions - for when she's at school/at her mum's/in bed/out with friends.

Long-term - because you are being v flexible now - you seem to have unrealistic expectations that teens can be picked up and put down when it suits you, and that life can be neatly compartmentalised around 'adult time' and 'parenting time'. Teenagers don't run to a schedule and are a chaotic force to be reckoned with - some will talk too much and grind down your soul, others won't talk enough and you'll eat yourself up with worry about what they're not saying and why. Most of us would kill to have a teen that wants to hang out with us. Your view of what a healthy parent/child relationship looks like is very rigid and - critically - doesn't factor in the unpredictability of actual children.

*or perhaps her mum. OP has been very selective with the information provided and in terms of which questions they've ignored. I'm taking this with a pinch of salt. Something isn't quite right here.

I would say perhaps spend time with DSD one to one, be the one to take her to sports etc and sit and wait for her. So you are her parent and not DF’s partner who only wants to be with her baby - and when not with the baby hogging DF (in her eyes).
she is part of your life forever and you are happy with that

@QuinqueremeofNiveneh I disagree with you so I am not entitled to an opinion, wild take.

Lack of sleep makes anxiety worse. This girl needs to go to bed at a sensible time, deal with her anxiety through therapy and understand that regardless of her coming from a "broken home" the world doesn't revolve around her.

Step parents always get a kicking on here @op I wouldn't bother asking next time.

Parents don’t really get much adult only time OP except when they’re in bed after bedtime.

Are you talking about interrupting you when they are supposed to be in bed or at other times? If the former then I think their father needs to be reassuring and then encourage them back to bed (although agree with pp that it’s an early bedtime).

If the latter, then you need to recognise that it’s their home too and not a Sandals resort. If you really have a huge amount to talk about that they can’t hear then do it in the evening, or - even better- find a way to talk that isn’t inappropriate for them to hear. At 14 they will be well aware of any conflicts so you’re not protecting them.

She's started another thread about being a "wicked stepmother" so no....

The goalposts have certainly moved quite a bit since the first post.

Originally, the OP's argument seemed to be focusing on the idea of ringfenced "adult time" being "normal" and wanting the time to focus on her relationship with her DP.

Now it is all about needing time to discuss some very specific and sensitive challenges around finances, behaviour and co-parenting that must not be overheard by the child.

It seems to me that the narrative has evolved because the majority of posters indicated that regular "adult time" - as conceived in the initial post - wasn't really a reasonable expectation with a teenager in the house, and so other factors have subsequently been wheeled out to justify the OP's position.

Thank you this is a great suggestion, we bought her a bigger bed and rearranged her room before she moved up but maybe redecorate completely? I think the nicer the space the more she might start to enjoy it. She has a TV etc but I guess with few friends to talk to, going to sit and do something alone is not as appealing.

To be honest this just sounds pretty normal to me - my kids are 13 and 9 and they are constantly around and if they aren't they're likely to be eavesdropping anyway. My husband and I do a lot on text or even just chatting things through during the day when they're at school (on the phone of course as we are both at work). But you can manage a lot on WhatsApp!

My daughter is the 13 year old and is anxious so is around more than possibly a typical teen - but even if not she'd still be there in the house and able to hear everything anyway. She goes to bed around 10/1030 and my 9 year old son at 930 so I do think 9pm is rather unexpected for a bedtime for an almost adult.