To get no help with childcare from grandparents

[Maxi77]

Since my nearly 14 month old daughter was born, I've had very little help from my parents. I'd estimate they've seen her once every two months at best, despite living a 20 min drive away. In terms of actual child care, it would be an hour and a half total (at most) since she was born, most of which was looking after her while i had to pick DH up from hospital. Yes they are older, and I by no means expect lots of free childcare, but I can't help but feel disappointed that I don't get any help (especially now I'm back at work) and DC really has no real relationship with them. I honestly think they love the idea of a grandchild and talking to their friends about it/wearing it has a badge of honour, but are thoughtless/selfish in term's of actually providing any help. Their 'activities' or having the cleaner over takes priority over providing any help. DHs parents live very far away, but have made far more of an effort to see her. I do feel somewhat envious when I see other grandparents pushing their grand kids around or taking them to activities. Or friends of mine who are able to go out and leave baby with their mums.

AIBU to feel like I've got a raw deal?

Gosh it was cathartic to write this down!

You're not unreasonable at all. Of course they are not obliged to help, no-one is, but it's still a shame they don't. I agree with this. In fact I think it's a shame they don't have any desire for it at all.

Some (many) people have loads of enthusiastic help from grandparents so I can see why you feel you've got a raw deal.

I (and my sister) were looked after a lot by our grandparents during our childhood, sometimes for a week at a time so my mum could go away with a friend. We loved it and they seemed to as well. When I got married my mum banged on and on about wanting grandchildren but when I had them she wasn't very interested at all, rarely looked after them and I stopped asking her quite quickly. I admit I felt a bit cheated as she had benefited a lot from grandparent help when we were little. It's also a shame for my kids as they'll never have the same sort of relationship but hey ho.

And lots of us realize that time is short. As I said earlier the time after retirement when we can still actually have a life is short. For some it's very short. My DH died at 66, he didn't even get a year of state pension retirement. Many of us would like a bit of enjoyment after working for 50 years. All too often the expectation is that granny, and its invariably granny, will sacrifice her active retirement to provide childcare. Suppose my 3 had 2 kids each, how many years of caring for them would be expected? Could I care for all 6 at the same time? Would it be several days a week? What about school holidays? If grandparents are happy to do that, it's their business, but some of us would like to be a bit adventurous. Have some fun before the final curtain.

See my attitude is that whilst I overall enjoy being a mum it does mean that my life is very restricted. I couldn't just take annual leave and disappear for an adult only holiday for example. It's not unreasonable to not want to go back to similar restrictions.

It’s your child not theirs, if you want childcare pay for it.

Were they excited when you said preg ?

in the end she is your child and gp should not be expected to do childcare

they spent years bringing the up

but her be nice to see moe often Equally another poster has to see mil every weekend and finds it too much (as would I)

The thing is regular childcare thats helpful to you, is actually quite difficult for people to commit to. If your parents do a day week for you, it gets very difficult when they hop off on holiday at random times as retired folk do. Older people also get ill and have more health appointments.

Also if you've waited til you are well into your thirties to have kids, your parents are just that bit older and it makes a huge difference. My dad was past 70 when DD was born & has never had the energy or enthusiasm to be a hands on grandad the way he did with her cousin who is 10 years older, he just can't manage it.

Are your kids good sleepers? Have you asked your parents if they'd mind having them to sleep over one time? I think the key things to make clear are:

• say baths & things can be skipped, this can be a lot for grandparents to manage
• offer to be back early the next morning. Lots of older people are slow to get going of a morning and a toddler who's wide awake wanting entertaining at 6.30am is too much for them.

I’m 60 now and my GC are 10,8 and 7…..at 50 I had lots more energy than I do now….I have mine lots but they are far easier these days….sleepovers are no hassle….not sure I would want a 14 month old overnight now

Yes! I’ve read and realised this a while ago. 100% true. It doesnt stop it being disappointing though…

No doubt their parents helped with child reading when they were young parents, but now they don't want to do the same for their own children. Very selfish

Good points, I hadn't thought of it like that.

Your dad sounds utterly adorable, lucky you 😘

People are bloody weird!

Seeing your grandchild who lives 20 minutes away every couple of months is awful. I can’t believe anyone is defending this.

There is a big difference between expecting loads of childcare and hoping for a bit of interest and care from your closest relatives.

Cold, selfish people. I’m sorry for you, OP.

What makes you so certain?

I had no Grandparent help to speak of when I was a parent of little ones. Nor did most of my friends. We were the generation that the government told to 'get on our bikes 'during the years of sky high unemployment, and to move away from our families. It's really not unusual for those now in their late 60s/ early 70s to have had to manage alone, due to distance.

My PILs were like this. No effort at all to see their DGC But when we we went to see them, posts with photos saying they were just "chilling with the DGC" on a Sunday afternoon. They lived 20 minutes away, but my son (now adult) has never stayed at their house once. Performance grandparenting

Thanks for your responses. It's helpful to read some different perspectives and experiences. To answer some of the questions:

• they are in their early 70s.
• no I don't expect lots of regular childcare, or to have them running after a toddler
• my mum did offer to 'help' once I went back to work. Nothing eventuated so I finally asked and we agreed on a few hours once a fortnight while I wfh. However that has fallen through before it's even begun, with their next 'free' date a month away.
• I wouldn't say we were particularly close before but we generally have a good relationship.
• I didn't have a strong bond with my own gp. My parents have commented several times about how they didn't get much help, not seeing that history is now repeating itself.
• my pregnancy was precipitated by the usual "hurry up have kids", "when am I getting grandkids" type comments.

As many have said, I do think it's the lack of interest and engagement which disappoints the most. It's made me release how small our village is (some wonderful friends but generally no family close by who we can rely on).

Sorry to those who have had a similar experience. It does make an already difficult situation even harder.

Being Early 70s does make a significant impact - previous generations grandparents were in their 50s and 60s. If we accept that we want lives/careers/travel before having children and wait until we are in our late 30s and 40s then we have to accept grandparent help is going to be minimal. We can’t have it all.

I have no help whatsoever, like you and it is fucking hard. Everyone else I know has at least some help.
The mumsnetters will be out en masse to tell you that your parents owe you nothing but they are a very odd bunch so just ignore

Mine are the same. The Mumsnet view is usually “your children, your problem” as if family relationships are the same as any other relationship and looking after grandchildren is a one-sided transaction.

I have accepted the fact that my parents are not interested in a relationship with my children. There are consequences - I no longer invite them to family days out, or send them many pictures of the kids, or share much news with them. They seem to be ok with it so there we go. I won’t be going out of my way to help them when they’re elderly.

Yep. Each generation of women in my family has become a Grandparent for the first time, a decade older than the one before.

My grandmother was 42 when I was born
My mother was 52 when my DD was born
I was 64 when my GD was born.

I love having my grandchildren for irregular childcare/just for fun, but now that I'm 70 (the youngest is two) it's knackering.

I think 70s is too old to regularly have a 14 month old personally. Sorry OP, I think you’re being unreasonable.

My mum and MIL are now in 70s and my kids are 8, and I can see they are not really up to it, even with 8yr olds. It’s very tiring and not very enjoyable.

I don’t see why you resent your parents having an easy- going, relaxing retirement. Into 80s they will increasingly not be able to do the things they enjoy. Why should they waste that time looking after a toddler regularly? They see you frequently and HAVE helped you out.

@Mulledjuice I have already posted the following statistics but for most of the UK population it is normal.
Over half of British adults live within 15 to 20 miles of where they were born with 64% of first-time buyers living within 15 miles of their hometown, and homeowners with children live, on average, 9 miles closer to their hometown than those without.

Not wanting to do regular childcare is understandable given their age. And I don’t think anyone is owed childcare, but it’s obviously nice if family want to help out.

The general lack of interest and not seeing her often is weird, in my experience and I don’t think you’re being unreasonable about that. We see my parents every week or two, and MiL probably monthly because she’s busier, but she still asks DH about the kids a lot.

I'm a grandparent and was clear with both my children from when they first started having serious relationships that I did not intend to be tied down to regular child care. I am retired and expect to live my own life with outside interests and the ability to travel outside school holidays at short notice. Yes, they ask if I can have granddaughter overnight sometimes, and sometimes I can and sometimes, I can't.

I'm 67. I'm still extremely fit and active (I walk miles with my dog, go to the gym regularly and so on). I have no children. I have zero interest in babysitting or caring for anyone's children. I do know people of a similar age to me, however, who are very much NOT as fit and really wouldn't be comfortable caring for a small child.

Going out for lunch is VERY different to caring for a baby/toddler small child. That you seem to think it is shows how little understanding you have of how being an older person is.

My mum has taken my children overall about 3 hours over the 16 years I’ve been a parent. She refused to sit with them for my friends babies funeral, when I was having heart surgery, when one of my children were having an operation to name a few.

She has zero issues taking any of my other siblings children at all. Infact actively offers to watch them for them to go on holidays. Then wonders why we have zero contact, I will say it is not just the lack of support that caused the zero contact.

It’s not unreasonable to feel like you’ve had a raw deal. My mum regularly updates everyone on her amazing grandkids…. Mine included. She loves to be a Facebook grandparent to my kids.

I get you, it’s the lack of interest and low effort.
You will get no support on here though and made out to be the one in the wrong.

look up #low effort parents on insta, you will get more of an idea what is going on.