To get no help with childcare from grandparents

[Maxi77]

Since my nearly 14 month old daughter was born, I've had very little help from my parents. I'd estimate they've seen her once every two months at best, despite living a 20 min drive away. In terms of actual child care, it would be an hour and a half total (at most) since she was born, most of which was looking after her while i had to pick DH up from hospital. Yes they are older, and I by no means expect lots of free childcare, but I can't help but feel disappointed that I don't get any help (especially now I'm back at work) and DC really has no real relationship with them. I honestly think they love the idea of a grandchild and talking to their friends about it/wearing it has a badge of honour, but are thoughtless/selfish in term's of actually providing any help. Their 'activities' or having the cleaner over takes priority over providing any help. DHs parents live very far away, but have made far more of an effort to see her. I do feel somewhat envious when I see other grandparents pushing their grand kids around or taking them to activities. Or friends of mine who are able to go out and leave baby with their mums.

AIBU to feel like I've got a raw deal?

Gosh it was cathartic to write this down!

You're not unreasonable at all. Of course they are not obliged to help, no-one is, but it's still a shame they don't. Very sad for your child to not have that relationship. And disappointing for you to get no help too, as it makes such a difference.
Maybe they'll be keener once the baby years are over?

Your child. Yours to look after. When did grandparents become second carers? I’ve got my own life. 🤷‍♀️

My grandkids are adult now, I’ve got a great relationships with them all, and I looked after them at times and in emergencies but I’d bought my kids up.

But if they are barely even seeing their gc (not babysitting), but just not interested much, there'll be no bond later on.

My mum is like your parents but in her defence she's over 80 and getting a bit doddery. She's just not that interested in seeing my daughter or "helping" and never has been. She's happy to get photos and videos to show her friends but in practical terms not much use. She's never looked after her on her own and never will do.

Tbh that's fine with me as we have a difficult relationship so fortnightly or monthly visits are fine by me.

You can be disappointed but you can’t expect help from grandparents It is in their gift. Have you spoken to them about it? Have you actually invited them over to get to know the DGC without the pressure of looking after them. Toddlers can be hard work and if your parents are elderly it could be they are fearful of falling or not being able to prevent the child doing something they shouldn’t. Your attitude that they are selfish is a little harsh. Do everything you can to foster a good relationship when the children are small and the chances are your DPs will be more willing to offer help as they get older.

Parents who don’t want to be grandparents, never really wanted to be parents either.

I never expected anything other than being grandparents who we visit or who visit us, or who we could call on an emergency. Any more than that was a bonus. My child was mine to raise, the grandparents are there to spoil. Given the posts I’ve read on here and what I’ve seen from family members who chose a different path, the way I did it suits me far better. I really don’t want to be arguing with other people about the way we chose to raise our daughter.

I don’t get people who make a choice to be parents and then get mad other people won’t volunteer their time to help them parent.

This. If OP had discussed with her parents and agreed a childcare schedule before pregnancy, and then reneged I could get it. But that does not appear to be the case.

It is unusual that GP have only seen your DD once every couple of months, given you live so close. Have you expressed that you would like to see them more? Perhaps they are trying to give you space but just not going about it well.

When you say:

'I honestly think they love the idea of a grandchild and talking to their friends about it/wearing it has a badge of honour, but are thoughtless/selfish in term's of actually providing any help. '

Are they the sort of grandparents who boast to all their friends about what great grandparents they are and how they love their grandchildren to bits? If that's the case, that would really piss me off if they weren't bothered about my kids but pretended that they were grandparents of the fucking year.

OP I understand your post and totally get it. I read it to my husband who said ‘If someone saw that, they’d think you’d have written it!’ We had our son this year. He’s now 9 months have similar situations.
for me, I think maybe you’ve worded it wrong which is why you’re getting a bit of flack. You don’t want ‘childcare’ per se, but you want them to want to see her. You want them to make an effort. You want them to say ‘shall we take her swimming together this week?’ Because that’s exactly how we feel and what we’d like. Forgive me if I’m wrong but I just wanted to say I do sympathise. Have you talked to them about it?

I can't help but feel disappointed that I don't get any help.

are thoughtless/selfish in term's of actually providing any help.

takes priority over providing any help.

It’s crystal clear that you want them to ‘provide help’! Maybe they don’t want to? They don’t have to provide it. Maybe they’d just rather get together for lunch, dinner, walks?

Have you had a conversation with them where you've said you’d love to spend more time with them?

Exactly the same for me, I loved my paternal grandmother to bits and as an adult I would always go and check in on her, we used to visit her and my grandad once a fortnight and have dinner there all throughout our childhood. I had a great relationship with them both but had no yearning to go round there without my parents

The it takes a village brigade dont like it when you tell their kids off for running round a coffee shop because the it takes a village brigade thinks/only wants it to mean free childcare.

Less of the boomer ageism and misinformation.

Some months ago I shared a link here. It showed the official statistics that prove that the boomer generation is providing vastly more regular childcare for their grandchildren, than the previous generation did.

I'll see if I can find it, but seriously, you are very wrong, as well as spitefully ageist.

You do realise the oldest Boomers are pushing eighty now right?

@Maxi77 I think a little clarity on a few points here would help.

How old are your parents - you say older and long retired indicating the older end of the spectrum. Within that, are there any health issues? It is possible that, despite their social life, they don't feel capable of helping with childcare.

Also, is the issue that you're unhappy with the level of relationship they have with your DD (completely reasonable) or the level of help they provide in looking after her (not completely reasonable IMO)?

Whilst I'm sure it would be lovely if they helped, it isn't a requirement as a GP and I don't feel it should be. My mum is pushing 80 and she's quite clear on the fact that she loved looking after GC when she was younger but it's far too much for her now and has been for several years. She wouldn't want the responsibility in case something were to go wrong. She also wouldn't want to drive 20 minutes each way if she didn't have to.

Earliest early 60s?

Ive read your post 3 times now and still dont understand what it means.

All this. There isnt much you can do unfortunately. I dont understand it either....same problems.. it isnt going to change at all so don't expect it to.

MN Why should they get their state pension so early Its good that the state pension age has gone up cos i wont get anywhere near what they get They will just have to continue to work.

Also MN Why arent they available to provide me with free childcare.

I hate the 'they've raised their children, now ita time for you to raise yours' type responses.

And I hate the 'they've had their turn' responses when a poster resents grandparents 'overstepping' in their enthusiasm.

Basically either GP's have had their turn, or their turn is still going on. Which is it?

Lets be realistic - get mad at other women.

So they all stayed or moved close to their parents, or their parents moved to them?

It's strange that some grandparents take the attitude "I've raised my kids" and refuse to ever look after grandkids. My in laws were young grandparents. They would have both been 43 (my age) when the oldest was born. Up until my fil got ill in 2018 they never seemed to be without one of the grandkids. In the early days when they turned up unannounced at ours they often had another grandchild in tow. I thought a lot of grandparents were like this. Obviously I'm wrong . Ps I can't compare my own relationship with my grandparents as I was taken away from where I was born and all my family at age 3 when my mum left my dad so I only saw them once a year after that