To get no help with childcare from grandparents

[Maxi77]

Since my nearly 14 month old daughter was born, I've had very little help from my parents. I'd estimate they've seen her once every two months at best, despite living a 20 min drive away. In terms of actual child care, it would be an hour and a half total (at most) since she was born, most of which was looking after her while i had to pick DH up from hospital. Yes they are older, and I by no means expect lots of free childcare, but I can't help but feel disappointed that I don't get any help (especially now I'm back at work) and DC really has no real relationship with them. I honestly think they love the idea of a grandchild and talking to their friends about it/wearing it has a badge of honour, but are thoughtless/selfish in term's of actually providing any help. Their 'activities' or having the cleaner over takes priority over providing any help. DHs parents live very far away, but have made far more of an effort to see her. I do feel somewhat envious when I see other grandparents pushing their grand kids around or taking them to activities. Or friends of mine who are able to go out and leave baby with their mums.

AIBU to feel like I've got a raw deal?

Gosh it was cathartic to write this down!

They are still very capable of going out and doing the things they enjoy (lots of lunches, socialising etc)

TBF having lunch out and socialising is a very different ball game to looking after a little human being.

I never got much help from my parents but I'd never have the mentality that the same should be said of my own DC.

I have my DGC one day every week to save the parents a days nursery fees and do baby sit when asked but that's not regular, little one also stays over so their parents can have a night out/lay in the next morning.

Both DH and myself have built up such a bond with GC and he does love being here but it can be hard work at times.

I so so agree with this! When I was growing up I don’t ever remember staying with or being babysat by my grandparents, we used to visit them all together once a week so in my world now with children this is what’s normal which is why I couldn’t imagine either of my children’s grandparents babysitting them. Very interesting observation

Grandparent here. This is a tricky one. It's a question of balance I think. According to recent posts on MN, Grandparents can be too intrusive/demanding/annoying wanting to see DGC or have them sleep over. If you're a Grandparent who doesn't want to overstep the mark and waits to be invited, then you can be seen as disinterested, Communication and honesty is key imo - if you want help then ask. If you don't want to help, then say so.

I am early 60's and provide childcare for my DGC two days a week plus the odd over night so parents can get a break. The relationship I have with DGC is fabulous - it's a bond like no other. We are family and help each other if we can. DC do a lot for us too. The childcare can be exhausting but it's worth a bit of tiredness to get to know your DGC.

PIL were an hour away from us and SIL DC took priority anyway. My DM was twenty minutes away and only ever babysat in the early years when the DC were in bed. We saw her every four or five weeks or so. DC never ever had a sleepover in 13 years. Some people find the company of young DC boring. Maybe this is it? Tbh I don’t think I’d want to be roped in too often as a retiree either.

DC really has no real relationship with them

If that's what you want (I'll ignore the childcare because that's not something you are entitled to), then you need to make it happen.

Invite them round for Sunday lunch, Saturday takeaway, Friday night games night with the kids, picnic in the park, day out at the museum, day trip to a city, lunch at a pub, walk in the woods.

Try for once a month to begin with. Tell them you love them and would love to see more of them.

Well I think they’re mean and I say this as a grannie who lives 1 hour away and has my dgs for 2 days with an overnighter every week.
Big dgs smile when he sees us is payment enough.

1 day a week is regular, and loads, let a lone anything more. That is lovely of you, and your dh, and I bet your dc appreciates it so much. Honestly I find GPs like you downplay it. No wonder you have a lovely relationship with your GC. I wish dm was even half this way, I wrote a piece on her further up thread.

YANBU sounds like they like the idea of being grandparents in theory just not in practice.

Mine are like this. I feel no obligations to help them with stuff day to day and my friends who had the help do. When it goes that way, it goes the other way too. Don't be a martyr, they did as they pleased, DD will be off in 10 years and you can do as you please :)

That’s awful OP. They’re your parents, and I assume love you. It’s completely alien to me that they would not want to help you, or build a relationship with their grandchild.

I cannot fathom how current parents of young children would behave like this when their children are older, and are parents themselves.

Some people are just weird OP. Sad to hear your parents fall into that category.

Sorry if this has already been pointed out as I haven’t read the whole thread but it has come up several times: the grandparents had loads of help / childcare from their own parents, even being “palmed off” onto them, even at weekends so they should automatically pay it forward and be doting grandparents.

However, it instead suggests that the grandparents didn’t actually like young children - even their own - so they avoided it by palming the children off. Now they’re older, used to peaceful, quiet lives doing things as they like, they’re not suddenly going to metamorphosis into nurturing, storybook grandparents who want to look after young children, even their own grandchildren. They’re remaining as they’ve always been so it shouldn’t come as a shock, but it always seems to.

You put it so much more succinctly than me!

Provided the adult children were not abused or mistreated when growing up, why should any moral obligation on assisting parents in old age be down to whether they babysat for them or not? Surely if they made sacrifices and brought up their adult children in a loving home such assistance should be given in return and they should not be "punished" for wanting to live out the rest of their years without being tethered to small children!

This is Mumsnet. Apparently it's unreasonable to hope your parents will ever help out with. Childcare (not that I agree)

Yes that’s my experience too and I had no experience or desire for grandparents childcare but we’d visit and built perfectly normal relationships.

Agreed.

This comes up so often, it’s very sad

I wouldn't expect help in the form of childcare for a 14 month old from elderly parents.

I think as pps have quite rightly pointed out, many of the GPS that don't do anything disliked being a parent themselves. This could mean disinterested not great parents, who gave no support to their dcs. Therefore said dcs aren't going to exactly be falling over themselves to support their parents when they age, gc or no gc.

I've seen it said many times, not just with respect to uninterested GPS but also with respect to GPS that have their own lives. The resentment is generally because adult children feel entitled to free childcare...

Hello, I want to echo what some other people have said which is for some reason on mumsnet if you say you are disappointed that you’re parents don’t give a toss about your child, you get battered down.

I think it’s sad that grandparents don’t want to be involved with these wonderful little children. Nowhere have you said you want free childcare, they could just pop round once a fortnight for a cup of tea and a play with their grandchild.

It’s their loss. I console myself by understanding that if my son has children, I will do everything I can to support him, and I will be as involved as he will let me in his children’s life. Children are a blessing and bring a lot of love.

also, I know it sounds mercenary, but if they won’t help when I really need it, or care about my beloved child, I sure as hell am not being an unpaid carer when they’re elderly.

You won’t help me, then you’re getting in a care home pet.

Don’t generalise. It might have been normal for you but it wasn’t for me. I was born in the mid 80’s and many more mums back then were SAHMs so didn’t need the weekday childcare. It’s not the norm in my experience to be practically raised by your grandparents either back then or now.

Plus times have changed - grandparents are likely to be older now because millennials / Gen Z are leaving starting a family until much later. Looking after toddlers in your late 60s and 70s is not an easy task. On top of which they’ll be working for longer too.

My Dad has only recently retired at the age of 71. They were wonderfully devoted parents for many years (3 children across a 10 year gap) and now they have the freedom I really want them to go out and have some of the adventures they’ve been dreaming about while they are still fit and healthy enough to enjoy them. All of my dad’s family members have died by their mid 70s, so we are painfully aware that a long and happy retirement is not guaranteed. I would hate for them to feel tied down by regular child-care obligations. Although don’t get me wrong, I’m very appreciative of occasional weekend babysitting when they are available. They are still very involved grandparents and spend a lot of time with their grandchildren, so this hasn’t had any effect on the quality of their relationships with them.

I can understand why you might feel resentful in your situation though.

The title of the thread mentions helping with childcare. Not visits or babysitting.

Nowhere have you said you want free childcare

It’s literally in the thread title. All OP seems to care about is the lack of childcare she’s getting. Regardless of grandchildren, I think only seeing your parents once every 2 months when they only live 20mins away is quite sad, so I think there must be a bit more to this story.