DH insisting I change my working hours

[OneTipsyRubyDreamer]

We have 3 DC. DH works full time 5 days a week. I work part time 2 days a week school
hours. DH has wanted me to move from part time to full time for years but now he’s suddenly started saying he “insists” that I need to ask my employer if I can go full time. I don’t want to go full time though. DH won’t stop going on about it and says he wants proof that I’ve asked my employer if I can go full time. I haven’t asked my employer about going full time because I don’t want to go full time but DH won’t take no for an answer though and he is putting a lot of pressure on me over it. He says things like “a lot of parents work full time so there’s no reason you can’t” but I don’t want to work full time! He can’t seem to understand the fact that I just don’t want to work full time and that I want to keep my current working hours for 2 days a week. AIBU?

I think this is a well reasoned response and worth trying @OneTipsyRubyDreamer
So your children are 18 months, 6 and 11 so quite a lot of juggling for you.
How many hours do you work?
How much does he currently contribute to the school/working day?
Maybe he’s comparing your situation with women he is working with and feeling hard done by.
Too many unknowns at the moment to say if he is BU.
What is your longer term plan re work, eg when youngest is at school and the other two are more self sufficient?

He can insist all he likes. Regardless of the reasons like fuck would I tolerate any man 'insisting' I do anything!

Doesn’t that go both ways?
It can be quite a burden being the main breadwinner.

It's almost like this thread is designed to wind people up.

You would think so, wouldn't you? Unfortunately, there are still households where such responsibilities are not shared equitably.

How would you feel if your DH said that he wanted to reduce his hours because he didnt want to work full time anymore?
You're not really presenting a strong argument in your favour other than repeating that you just dont want to?!
None of us really want to work full-time but sometimes in life we have to do whats fair and whats right for the the family. The extra money could be put to good use such as family holidays, home improvements etc or saving for the future.
As long as you both share the family admin and school drop off/collections then I see your husbands point here, sorry!

What are the reasons? You haven't given any.

I have 12 months of my salary in savings. And my DH has savings too. And we also have joint savings too. We don’t rent, we have a mortgage. We go on holiday once a year. We don’t have any financial problems so that’s not a reason why DH wants me to increase my days.

Sounds like your husband is taking a lot of the financial mental load on. A family of 5 is expensive. I can see why he’s getting frustrated with your attitude.

It’s 2026, you don’t need to be a kept woman. Go out and work and do your financial share. I appreciate you probably do more at home, but you would be crazy to not realise the financial load is getting to him.

Do you even like your husband?

I was obviously being sarcastic, as the poster I was quoting implied OP working full time means she can't be an emergency contact

DH can help with running the household and children if you both work full time. Do 50/50.

What reasons?

I think he’s BU by “insisting” and wanting to see proof you’ve asked.

On the other hand 2 days a week school hours is pretty cushy and very minimal and I’d be a bit pissed off to be working my arse off full time and you were farting around doing 12 hours a week or something

Absolutely - which is why a full discussion needs to be held.

(FWIW, I was the main breadwinner for most of my marriage - though our situation was very different from that outlined in the OP.)

Are you sure he isn't hiding debts from a gambling addiction?

I don’t understand how you think you will get any useful responses when you are giving such monosyllabic replies. Either explain a little more to give people something to go on or you’re going to get slated for being lazy. Unless you are too lazy to type 🤔

Yes maybe. But it’s certainly not impossible and it’s a lot easier with two people working full time than one person working full time - so I think a better excuse is needed than “I don’t want to”

It does when the school calls you to say they're ill or misbehaving and you've to drop what you're doing and go fetch them home. If he wants OP to work full time he has to be prepared to take part in family life like this and not expect everyone else in the family to prioritise his job over everything else.

In fact the OP is the one doing the insisting.

The OP has said she does the lion's share at home.

She needs to sit down with him and go through all the household duties and childcare and split them in half.
I'm heartily sick of these men who don't lift a finger yet expect their partner to work full time.

Are you sure he is not seeking divorce and does not want you to be the default parent pay you maintenance

In that case, I apologise for my lack of clarity.

I don’t fancy your chances of the marriage lasting if you’re not prepared to compromise at all.

You need to discuss this properly and find out DH's reasons why. He may be feeling the burden of being the main breadwinner, worried about his job, wanting more money for more holidays/home improvements/retirement or resentful. You also need to properly discuss the logistics e.g. what nursery would cost you to pay for extras.

You are currently working very part time and all you are really saying is you don't want to do more, but only thinking about your side of it. You really need a full conversation where you properly consider working more hours or consider when you might do e.g. when DC is 3. By having your kids quite far apart, you have had a long run of very part time hours and it's not unreasonable for your partner to want you to share the financial burden more.

Is you sharing childcare responsibilities and housework etc 50/50 possible OP?
It's a good point to make to him but if you work school hours and he doesn't, then practically things like school pickup may fall to you anyway.

Maybe he resents you not working full time when he has to . It’s not really fair is it - you do sound quite entitled .
if he’s mentioning it everyday and you’re just ignoring him then that doesn’t bode well for your future .
if he leaves you - you will have to work more cuz youll be skint on your small earnings!

Sharing the flexibility of two employers is easier though - most employers understand sometimes this happens and time off is required. OP has never said that her reason is that DH has refused to step up or compromise with his job…. Why are we assuming this?