DH insisting I change my working hours

[OneTipsyRubyDreamer]

We have 3 DC. DH works full time 5 days a week. I work part time 2 days a week school
hours. DH has wanted me to move from part time to full time for years but now he’s suddenly started saying he “insists” that I need to ask my employer if I can go full time. I don’t want to go full time though. DH won’t stop going on about it and says he wants proof that I’ve asked my employer if I can go full time. I haven’t asked my employer about going full time because I don’t want to go full time but DH won’t take no for an answer though and he is putting a lot of pressure on me over it. He says things like “a lot of parents work full time so there’s no reason you can’t” but I don’t want to work full time! He can’t seem to understand the fact that I just don’t want to work full time and that I want to keep my current working hours for 2 days a week. AIBU?

Is there something else going on that he hasn’t told you about? Is his job at risk for instance and he’s worried about the future finances?
it sounds like he has no idea what life would be like if you were full time!

There’s a massive gap between 2 short days and full time though.

OP - are you willing to at least work 24 hours a week? I’m going to guess not. You’re accustomed to a very easy life on the back of your husband working full time and don’t want that to change. It’s selfish and it will erode your marriage

Equally selfish of her DH to expect her to go FT and still do the majority of the domestic stuff. How do we know this? Because she's asked him how the chores would be shared out and he blanks her.

As for saying that everyone else manages to work FT and do the childcare and house stuff, yes, and lots of them are on here complaining about being at breaking point because it's too much for one person to manage on their own. Great if you have a DH who does 50/50 or at least enough not to drive you to screaming in frustration but you are in the minority.

In fairness... I think.ots pretty clear that OP and her DH just haven't been able to have a grown up conversation about this because they are both stuck with their own opinion.

It'll never be resolved if they don't BOTH grow up and have a conversation like adults.

The OP has 2 children at school (one is 11 so may even be in secondary), and one at home. She hasn't told us which of these has SN or how serious the SN is, having for ages not mentioned the existence of any SN. She's in an incredibly good position, because her current employer allows her to work the hours she wants. She has currently chosen to work 2 school hours days a week, with no work in any of the school holidays. The obvious solution, which would earn her more than twice what she's earning now but would be extremely do-able, would be to move to 5 days a week school hours only, with no work in the school holidays. Alternatively, assuming the youngest child is in nursery full time and the second youngest can go to after school club (the oldest child may well be self-sufficient, unless they have significant SN), she could work full time, at least during school terms. This would be so easy for her - she already works in that job and for that employer, and only needs to ask them to increase her hours.

Just go full time, use your wages to pay for childcare and pay for a cleaner. When people are paid to do jobs, it makes the job valid, right?

This thread has been a massive long dripfeed - thank god for the See all posts from this poster option!

I voted YABU, but given more information, I think you need to have an open communication about it. What would you working 9 to 5 look like, and what would 50/50 split be like financially and at home with SEN kids and an 18 month old.

I don't believe any of her children have serious SN and that she needs to be at home because of that, or she would almost certainly have mentioned this from the outset, rather than simply telling us that I DON'T WANT TO WORK MORE DAYS. Assuming one of her children has minor SN, what difference does that make during school or nursery hours? The youngest child already goes to nursery with no issues that OP has mentioned (since OP works 2 short days a week). And likewise the older ones already go to school with no issues that she's mentioned. The question is what OP does during nursery/school hours. She can work during those hours while the nursery and school staff look after her children. The remaining issue is then the housework, or what she calls "maintaining" her home. If she moves to working Monday to Friday but school hours only, she can do that when the children are at home after school. And at the weekend. Or in the evening when the children are in bed. How long does it actually take? Cleaners are expected to do a full clean in 2 or 3 hours a week. By all means talk to DH and get him to do some of the housework and cooking, but let's not pretend that this is a huge deal. In the 1950s lots of middle class mothers stayed at home, kept perfect houses and were bored out of their minds. We have far more mod cons now, so housework takes a lot less time than it used to. We haven't been told anything about DH's job, but he works full time and doesn't work from home, so has a commute. OP has been living the dream for the past 11 plus years, just looking after one child, then having another when the previous child starts school, and hasn't even bothered to talk to her DH about how the family is doing financially.

@Tadpolesinponds Why are you so bothered?

I agree that if the OP feels she can only work 2 days a week school hours only because the cleaning takes up so much of her time it would make a lot of financial sense to pay for a cleaner, who will probably do the bulk of the housework in 2 hours. And I'm not overly impressed with people implying that she's working full time already because she looks after one child (who as far as we've been told doesn't have SN). Yes, we pay nursery workers to look after our children, but they look after several children each, not just one.

The same could be said with anyone posting in here.

True but @Tadpolesinponds seems to be taking it very personal that OP doesn't work much.

I'm bothered because again and again I see women on here trying to justify a woman doing far, far less work than her husband and taking far less responsibility for the financial situation of the family than he does, and calling him unreasonable for expecting her to do more. I'm fed up with the agenda that looking after YOUR OWN CHILD THAT YOU CHOSE TO HAVE is gruelling work, equivalent to a responsible full time job plus commuting. I think that most women enjoy spending time with their child. In fact, that's why they had the child in the first place. Yes, some work is involved, but by and large it's a positive experience that they deliberately set out to have. I've known plenty of women on maternity leave who had a ball and had no wish to return to work. Lots of these women manage to go back to work part time, and often they deliberately keep their career low key. Not just because they need to be available for the children, but because they like that lifestyle and expect their husband to take most of the financial responsibility. How many fathers do you know who decided to ditch their original stressful full time job bringing in a good salary to become a part time yoga teacher or similar, because they like working part time and they enjoy yoga?. Men aren't usually allowed to make that kind of luxury life decision, because their family relies on them to make real money.

Okay. I have an SEN three year old with probable autism. It is twice as hard to look after him as any neuro typical three year old. If OP is in the same situation it is grueling, hard work. Oh and this is "mild" autism. Dealing with that sort of thing, cleaning and looking after other children and working is very difficult. Going to work is actually easy compared to that. Work is a break! You make it sound like OP is putting her feet up and chilling all day. Ha fat chance.

Men can make any decision they want to do. Most would choose working over any of the drudgery at home and most do not do an equal share. If yours does then you are lucky.
We need to stop villifying women for wanting to look after their own children. In the same way we shouldn't be villifying women for wanting or needing to work.
Men have choices. They aren't forced to support a family. The OP has said her husband would be working full time regardless. She also said she is doing the lion's share at home. You seem hellbent on insisting she is lying or has planned her family in order to support idleness. Just why would your mind go that way. My kids have ridiculous gaps, purely because that's when I fell pregnant and the biggest gap was definitely unplanned.

Tell your DH that unless he's willing to sit down and have a proper conversation about this, including exactly who would be looking after the children, who will be paying for the child care and how the household chores will be spilt... then your not willing to consider it.

To be honest, it is weird hes so insistent all of a sudden. And is unwilling to give you a proper reason.

I would think he has financial problems you know nothing about.

Or hes planning to leave you and wants you to be able to support yourself without him. I know that might sound like a leap but I've seen it happen before.

I have been both a SAHM and a working mum at different stages in life, I have no bias.
But I do remember a friend who had a really stressful job, long hours, kids in wrap around care, grandparents helping out in the holidays. She would roll her eyes at me (I wasn't working at the time) and say she only needed 2hrs on a Saturday morning to clean her entire house. Yep, that would be because there's no one in the house all week, she was paying the nursery/clubs to do the playing, the finger painting, the baking etc and clean up all the mess, of course her house was immaculate.

On threads like this, you generally have to assume the OP is telling the truth. However, in this case, I have no doubt that her retelling of her DH's thoughts and opinions are untrue.

Not necessarily malicious, just a lack of understanding perhaps. Clearly the communication between the two is absolutely appalling.

The thought of telling my partner that "I don't want to work" is beyond the pale.

Of course you need to work out what would happen with picking the kids up or making lasagne, but that comes with a mature conversation where you both want the best for the whole family.

It doesn't sound like you want the best for your family, because you're too hung up on your way being the only right way.

Grow up and talk to each other imo

She is telling us she doesn't want to work (and has given reasons later, reasons that her DH would already know) . But she has asked him what would happen re kids and housework and he refuses to discuss. So I'd say the ball is all the way in his court.

I'm sure she's doing the lion's share of the housework. But most women could do that in a few hours a week. Her husband is presumably working and commuting for 40 plus hours a week. And I'd love to know whether she considers him to be doing gruelling hard work when he takes one of the children to the park on Saturdays, or puts the child in front of the TV while he scrolls on his phone. Most men don't in reality get the option of staying at home or doing a little part time job no-one relies on for a few hours a week. Everyone expects them to work full time and earn the real money, even if they hate their job and are exhausted by it. There are a few exceptions to that rule, but it's still very much the rule.

I refer to my previous post. If you are working full time with your kids in wrap around care then of course you can clean your house in a couple of hours, you are paying someone else to do the messy stuff with your kids. They aren't making much mess in the hour you get with them before bedtime.
Men are agents of free choice, if they don't want children or want to spend more time with their children then that's up to them, they need to be having that discussion. If they are living their lives to fulfill society's expectations, then that's their problem. I don't buy the poor menz argument. I don't know a single man who is happy to take on 50% of the wife work. The OP's husband is refusing to have that discussion, so it's pretty easy to see he has no intention of pitching in.

Poster needs to find a new tv drama or fetch a book

Not all families, but several I read on MN, have forgotten or have no clue how mentally and physically exhausting it is to be the breadwinner. Looking after children can be too, but having also done that, it’s not the same.

Its monotonous for sure, but is not high stress meetings endlessly, out of the house 10+ hours a day, with annoying people and politics, the threat of needing to perform as your entire family financials depend on it.

It’s irrelevant what was agreed years ago. This is today. CoL crisis, AI and job insecurity, I work in a secure sector (as was) and we just reduced our workforce and laid people off.

OP is being really short sighted about all this and the cost of 3 children as teenagers and seems to only care about her own MH.

Interesting choice of words in the title though.
Changing your working hours would imply something like changing from days to evenings or Monday Tuesday Wednesday to Wednesday Thursday Friday.
He's not asking you to do this he's asking you to work more hours instead of ten hours a week.

If she is full-time she will need to pay for holiday nursery for the 18 mth old, and childcare for the other 2 DC, including the one with SEN.#
I disapprove of the funding of childcare for 30 hours per week only being paid if the child is in a nursery. It would be better as a fund that parents could spend on the childcare they want, including allowing a mother (or father) to stay at home with DC for 30 hours a week.