DH insisting I change my working hours

[OneTipsyRubyDreamer]

We have 3 DC. DH works full time 5 days a week. I work part time 2 days a week school
hours. DH has wanted me to move from part time to full time for years but now he’s suddenly started saying he “insists” that I need to ask my employer if I can go full time. I don’t want to go full time though. DH won’t stop going on about it and says he wants proof that I’ve asked my employer if I can go full time. I haven’t asked my employer about going full time because I don’t want to go full time but DH won’t take no for an answer though and he is putting a lot of pressure on me over it. He says things like “a lot of parents work full time so there’s no reason you can’t” but I don’t want to work full time! He can’t seem to understand the fact that I just don’t want to work full time and that I want to keep my current working hours for 2 days a week. AIBU?

They should be splitting any childcare cost 50/50 or husband should pay for the lot if he earns more. There is tax free childcare via the government scheme aswell, up to a point, which they can both have depending on earnings, which would reduce costs too. This is on top of the free funded hours.
They can take turns to have annual leave during school holidays. They can even get the older child to help in future years, with a 10 year age gap that's definitely possible.
Where there's a will there's a way. No-one needs to stay home for years on end, in most circumstances.

I mean, he's not wrong though is he? Most people also don't want to work full time but they have to...

Surely nurseries often charge over the school holidays, whether a child is there or not? I'd suggest that OP leaves her younger child in nursery for part of the school holidays and sends the middle child (or perhaps both older children) on a fun holiday course or two - drama, music or sport maybe - which would allow her to work and would make the school holidays much more fun and worthwhile for the children. And maybe they can spend a week with grandparents or someone like that.
And it's easy to say that the husband should be standing up to society's expectations of men if he, like the OP, doesn't WANT to work full time or to commute. But what do you think would happen if he did that? The family would be in a desperate financial situation, and the OP would probably divorce him.

I have been on both sides of this. I didn't work and now I do.
I think when I didn't work , and prior to that I was 2 days a week, I didn't realise how lucky I was. My husband worked full time long hours.
Its the other way round in our house now and I resent him being at home and having so much time to himself . He must have felt the same way about me when I was at home.
You have no more right than him to work part time unfortunately. And the extra money im sure would be helpful

For goodness sake, has he thought how you manage school runs, school holidays, children off sick days. Not to mention all the family admin ( housework kids activities etc)
I would be mightily p**d off if my dh took that attitude with me, he clearly doesn't see your worth, he needs a stern talking to

Given the OP works only ten hours a week I imagine she manages all the above with ease and with time to spare.

The OP's current employer offers her exactly the hours she wants. She currently works 2 days a week school hours only to accommodate school drop off and pick up, and term times only. She only has to ask and she can up her hours so she works 5 days a week school hours only and term times only. She refuses even to consider doing this.
And I'm not sure what all this family admin is, which apparently can't be done outside of those school hours? I've heard (but surely it can't be true) that some people even do things like housework, paying bills and arranging playdates in the evening, at lunchtime or at the weekend. I'm not sure that the OP does anything to do with money though, as she has no idea what her family's finances are. The husband must do all that difficult stuff. Luckily, they don't really need money, which is why OP doesn't need to earn much of it.

😂

I love how on mumsnet basic household/life admin is presented as some Hercerlean task.

Often as a justification for working part time, or not working at all.

I remember a post on here some time ago where a poster listed her household admin in an attempt to justify how much she did. It included transferring photos to disc and researching when new white goods etc. were needed. 😂

I do too! Listed having to read reviews online as an onerous task, and then had to be AT HOME for the delivery!!

I think i recall someone including talking to their house plants in a list of how busy their day was.

Has the OP been back to reply??

Ridiculous post and I’m female.

Who exactly needs a talking to because it looks very much like OP to me. The person who is refusing to engage in an adult conversation after not working more than 1 day a week for 11 years (pro data) and has zero empathy with the DH or their financial situation.

Let’s hope he doesn’t leave and whilst we can all wring our hands at what a knob his is - conveniently forgetting OP has done nothing that couldn’t be shared more equitably.

There was a thread a few years ago about 'mental load' and one poster listed 'checking Facebook for local issues that might affect the family'.

I remember the one that listed "organising photo albums."

One also listed tasks like 'petting the dogs'. Am not kidding.

School hours term time only. You should be easily able to do 4days a week in term time. It’s really unfair on your DH to carry pretty much all the financial burden of the household.

Some ‘life admin’ can be Herculean if your DC have SEN. Obviously we don’t know the level of SEN but many families with children with SEND have to have one parent who is extremely flexible with their availability for appointments with health officials, schools, having to collect DC from school early, school refusing days, suspensions etc. Fighting for support can take over your life and take a huge toll on your mental health.

I have dealing with a special school the majority of children are on free school meals due to low income households

You could start by showing him how much the extra childcare would cost. Both for you doing full time (including any specialist child care you might need), and for you just adding a day or two - for your 18month old.
But I would expect either: their is a woman whispering in his ear, or he has some incel type friends.

Lol, she has already said he is refusing to engage in any conversation about how household tasks will be split and at the moment she does the lion's share. I wouldn't be wanting to work full time or arrange to work full time when my OH won't even engage in that discussion.
I know too many men (all of them really) who do fuck all at home, yet their partners are running themselves ragged. Those who have kids with SEN have even more on their plate.
I also know too many smug women who parrot about equality, but have their parents looking after the kids or have spotless houses because the kids are in wrap around care.

It's no wonder the OP hasn't been back given the amount of sneary posts on here. MN - women supporting women... Not.

The obvious answer is they need to sit down and discuss. Pathetic point scoring and pisstaking from PP's about SAHP's being lazy, about them including plant watering in their roles isn't necessary . You can give advice without resorting spite and nastiness.

Tbh he prob doesn’t want to work 5 days a week when you do 2 an term time

Don’t quote me out of context as everyone can see my post.

‘Ridiculous post’ was to a PP suggesting the DH needed a ‘stern talking to’. That may be so but nothing in OPs posts suggest she is ready to engage in an adult conversation “but I just don’t want to work full time” “this was agreed 12 years ago” etc. No acknowledgement how a single wage might be negatively impacting DH and the family and that the world is a completely different place to 12 years ago.

There are many men who let their partners run-ragged after them - absolutely. It is simply not true to think there aren’t also some females who are completely oblivious to the burden of being the sole bread winner. Lots about OPs post led me to believe this might be one. Calculation of childcare costs today doesn’t account for compound earnings and pension contributions etc. over time. The appearance of less stress for 1 person today is also not true if DH loses his job or is unable to work.

I wasn't quoting out of context. The OP has said quite clearly that her DH refuses to discuss how the household share would work and yet you are saying she is the one refusing to have an adult conversation. And yes, everyone can read that on your post. I'm not saying anything that isn't there in black and white from both you and the OP.

Hope you are ok OP. Has he had a grown up conversation yet?

fwiw I work full time. My House is very ND. So yes. SEN kids. But also parents. And on a scale of SEN probably mild. (We don’t have EHCPs for the kids but we do have a lot of extra academic support I pay for)
DH has spent time unemployed more often than I like. And so I’m the main breadwinner. But I also carry the majority of the mental load. Laundry. Holiday planning. School uniform and shoes. Generally managing kids issues. School negotiations. Medical appointments. Prescriptions.

he has no idea. And seems incapable of doing his bit. Even when “between jobs”

are we heading for a split? I think so as the stress is unbelievable. Does he know this? No. We barely converse let alone have Dee and meaningful discussions.

so I see this from both sides.

if I was you I would be clear you are willing to pull your weight inside and outside the home so long as he does the same.

however. It is unlikely to look like 10 man days per week because of the flex needed around child wrangling. And would come at a cost if outsourced.

both of you make lists of everything you do for the family and for yourselves. And others.

compare those lists.

note what could be monetised or outsourced and what could not be.

dont put a date on it but vaguely indicate that once youngest turns 5 and oldest is x then thst is a good time to re evaluate.

IME the closer to GCSEs you get there is MORE INVOLVEMENT required by parents than at age 3, which cannot be outsourced. So although. They have more independence they need more handholding with managing friendships and teacher relationships, taking up sports or other hobbies, juggling homework, learning to manage their own SEN and navigate the world as someone different.

id also gather up all your financial info. Incl copies of DH pension bank accounts etc. keep them safe at a friends house. Set up a secret Post office account. Start saving up a back up fund.

yes maybe look to increase term time hours to 3 days as part of the back up plan.

and keep an eye on your DH. Is a MH break down coming? Or an affair? Or another new influence in his life?