DH insisting I change my working hours

[OneTipsyRubyDreamer]

We have 3 DC. DH works full time 5 days a week. I work part time 2 days a week school
hours. DH has wanted me to move from part time to full time for years but now he’s suddenly started saying he “insists” that I need to ask my employer if I can go full time. I don’t want to go full time though. DH won’t stop going on about it and says he wants proof that I’ve asked my employer if I can go full time. I haven’t asked my employer about going full time because I don’t want to go full time but DH won’t take no for an answer though and he is putting a lot of pressure on me over it. He says things like “a lot of parents work full time so there’s no reason you can’t” but I don’t want to work full time! He can’t seem to understand the fact that I just don’t want to work full time and that I want to keep my current working hours for 2 days a week. AIBU?

Also: this.

Bizarre. I manage to work almost full time and if my child is ill and I need to pick him up then I either take time off and go and collect him or ask a trusted person to do so.

As the one in my house that works full time your rigid attitude to this would drive me insane and seriously question staying in a relationship with you. He seems to have financially taken the burden of you having being part time for some time, that only works for as long as he is willing to.

Can you put yourself in his position and consider how this may come across to him and understand why it's so unreasonable to be rigid and not offer any compromise or properly and openly discuss it.

Those of you saying about her partner then picking up the slack - you are aware that he is quite right that in many families both parents work considerably than the OP is and manage just fine.

We can only help properly if you tell us all of the reasons why you object.

You need a proper conversation with your husband. Him saying that 'both parents work full-time in other families' isn't a reason, it's a statement. If you were to increase your hours, would he be taking on more household chores/school runs/medical appointments/covering sickness? Would you receive extra funded child care for your youngest? Is he going to be prepared to cover school holidays with his annual leave? How much do you know about your current finances? Are you absolutely 100% sure that there isn't any money issues, that you may not be aware about? I understand you don't want to work full-time, especially as at the moment you are doing the majority of the household chores and childcare.

She has said she does the lion's share at home.

@OneTipsyRubyDreamer i work full time and my husband part time, financially we’re fine. But it would be nice if he worked full time to remove some of the financial business as usual off me. Could that be DH’s rationale?

Why not try 2 weeks of ‘full time’ where you dash in at 6 to make tea - he has to bath the kids and clean round. Weekends are washing ironing and he can do the lions share -

His quality of life will go down drastically!

Oh and a sure of the sick days and appointments

OP, so when you ask your husband: “why?” Do you suddenly need to be working fulltime what does he say?
Currently neither of you is being reasonable. Situations change, agreements can change. Him wanting you to be full time is not any less unreasonable than you not wanting to be. You two need to actually talk, and I would be repeating “why” like a broken record till I got an answer that made sense tbh.

Most of us don't want to work 😂 its part of life?

• with only one needing nursery and the funding you'd get, clearly your family would be much better off with you working more, plus you'd have a better pension & it would take the stress off your husband of the family being very dependent on him financially
• the longer you stay in very part time work the harder it will be for you to return, your children won't be little forever
• why do you feel so entitled to work so few hours while he works part time? Millions of families have two parents both working more hours, most people i know the part time parent does 30 hours a week.

So you think your dh is desperately trying to get you to work five days...why? Because he hates you? Wants to partake in the childcare juggle that happens when you have two parents working full time? Relishes the thought of pitching in and doing some of the jobs you do now?

Try and apply some critical thinking skills op. The most likely reason is you need the money, you just don't know it yet. Maybe he's about to get fired/made redundant? Maybe he has secret debt?

A previous poster asked what hours I work, I do 9:30am (sometimes from 9am but usually 9:30) until 2.30pm (sometimes 3pm at the latest) 2 days a week.

Many of us don’t want to work, but hey! Here we are…

I don’t understand why you think he should fund your life?

Why bother to post if all you can say is ‘I don’t want to’ and allude to other ‘reasons’ that you don’t specify? How can anyone be expected to answer helpfully? You just sound lazy and stubborn without all the facts.

Have there been any other changes in his attitudes towards family life..? You need to get to the bottom of this shift. Observe. Ask questions. Evaluate. Plan. Act.

Your say there aren’t financial concerns? How do you know?
Are you doing the childcare when you aren’t at work? Or using paid childcare?
Do you both have equal leisure time?
Could he be planning his own exit strategy - it may be ‘useful’ if you had f/t income..?

You say you just don’t want to increase your days hours but surely you need agreement from the person who is working full time. Maybe he’d like you to work more so it just doesn’t feel like it’s all his responsibility. Maybe he feels you as a family could go with the extra income. It’s always a joint decision. If the shoe was on the other foot you’d be wanting him to work more?

🤣 I'd like to work just two days a week too! So would my DH. Do you pay half the bills? Could you afford to work 2 days if your DH worked 2 days too.

Write a list of all things you currently do that you would no longer be able to do. Eg school runs, household jobs. For you to go full time these jobs would now need to be split between you. What additional chores is DH willing to take on?

Also what was the reason you both agreed to you dropping to 2 days after mat leave? Does that reason still stand? Or have things changed that means a conversation about this should be had (with no one insisting anything)

Is he at risk of redundancy? Or planning a split? Maybe he just resents being the breadwinner.

He understands perfectly that you don't want to, he just doesn't agree that you should leave him to make most of the money. Has it occurred to you that maybe he doesn't "want" to work FT? Is there any particular reason why you think he should support you?

If your children have so many emergencies that it prevents you from having a paid job, then it's probably a good idea there is a non-working parent.

For most people, the school rings you with an emergency once in a blue moon, so "being emergency contact" hardly counts as a parenting job that you need to fight over.

At first I thought this was a spoof post, OP. It's so ridiculously unreasonable. You don't want to work more than 2 short days a week so you shouldn't have to!! You've had a huge amount of time at home already, and sound very spoilt. We live in an extremely uncertain world, where AI is poised to take over millions of jobs. It's more than reasonable for your husband to expect you to start pulling your weight and bringing in some money to help him to sustain your standard of living. Who knows how hard things will be in the future, and how much financial support your children will need?

I think you’re both being a bit unreasonable in not having a civilized discussion

he should be clear why he wants you working FT
you should be absolutely clear about what chores he would be expected to do if you did go full time.

fwiw I work 80%. Dh has never asked me to return to FT as he is very aware of the fact that by me working a bit less, I’m able to deal with a bit more of the general grind, and he’s very happy with that

This.

You can absolutely work full time and be an emergency contact - but you have to have the understanding that when something goes wrong, there is a distinct possibility that your boss might not be happy about you being taken away from work.

I even had someone sending a written complaint to the Director of Education for my Local Authority one time, because I'd had the temerity to phone them at work after two emergency contacts and the other parent had failed to answer their phones.

Their child had had a medical emergency.

Most parents are sensible. Some, alas, are not.

Id want to know why he wants someone else to care for your child every day instead of you?
Id want to know how he is going to forfeit his half of the mental load with the 3 children

Is it the hours he wants you to do? 37 hours per week.

Id suggest to him you get a Saturday, Sunday job to avoid childcare additional childcare during the week and see how that goes down