To ask DP to get rid of cat?

[whomoon]

My DP and I moved in together 6 years ago and he brought his cat with him. I love cats, have grown up with many over the years and had a cat myself before DP moved in before my cat passed away at an old age.

I was happy having his cat and accepted that she is not a typical cat. She is a ‘character’. Basically, you can’t go near here unless she allows you to and she will only offer you her back for 3 or 4 strokes before she’d turn round and go black eyed ready to swipe you if you dare go in for a 5th.

If you walk past her too many times she’d go for you. She wouldn’t move, she’d stand her ground. You can’t approach her from the front for a stroke. You can’t go near her to move her if she’s on your seat, I have to get a cushion and shoo her away, as she hisses and would take a swipe if she gets angry. On an evening she will sit on your lap like a normal cat, and you could get a couple of head strokes in before she settles but you can’t touch her again after that.

There are many many more examples of this. I’ve never known a cat like her. All my cats through the years have been loving, cuddly, just normal really. Yes, all have their quirks and personality but no issues living with them and dealing with them when necessary. For example I have never even picked this cat up, ever. Never to move her, or even just to hold her. She would claw me apart if I did. My DP manages to if needed and for vets visits, but that literally is it.
I have my thoughts on why she is like this but it’s not really relevant because she is like she is, and 6 years of me living with her has not changed anything. But, we’ve all lived together fine and accepted who she is. Other than warning guests to our home not to touch her, it’s just our normal I guess

So the issue now is, we had a baby in 2024. Baby is now a toddler and I cannot leave them in the same room together. We have to keep the cat behind the kitchen door, behind the dining room door, or behind the door to the stairs to ensure our toddler is both safe and free to move around. This is because our cat has swiped our toddler a few times since they were baby and started moving from 8 months, with the last time being a deep cut on their arm which has scarred. As a typical toddler, they want to touch the cat, but also play near the cat unknowingly being ‘too close’ to her which could set the cat off.

My DP says we just need to teach our toddler how to be with the cat. Yes, with a NORMAL cat that’s what we would do. Gentle hands, give space, don’t pull or poke. But when we can’t even go near the cat ourselves, how do we tell an excitable toddler this, a toddler who has been on the move since 8 months old and wouldn’t even understand until recently what not to do.

My stress and anxiety levels around this is reaching boiling point. The cat scratches at the door constantly to be let out. When the cat moves between rooms we have to watch every millisecond of where our toddler is, if they’re getting too close or in running distance if they get excited to see the cat. Even worse, our toddler now mimics our behaviour with the cat. Shaking their hands at her, shouting (we try to not shout, but hey, it’s stressful to get the cat out the room) and because of my fear of the cat lashing out, when the toddler does get near I panic and rush over going ‘no, no, no’ out of instinct so they don’t get hurt. I don’t want my toddler growing up with this stress, either being scared or hating cats.

I loved my cats growing up. I slept in their cat beds with them, pulled them around in cardboard boxes, wrapped them in blankets. Now I know my toddler won’t have that and that’s okay, but I don’t want the opposite of them hating cats, that would be awful.

today, the cat swiped me for walking past too close. Bearing in mind I do not interact with this cat, and in no way do either of us mistreat her, but because I dared get too close and she swiped me. I shouted so loud my DP was in shock. He knows I’ve reached the next level of my stress with this situation and an ultimatum is coming. I’m a calm, go with the flow person, and our house is our sanctuary. My peace is disturbed and I just can’t relax now.

but how can I ask DP to get rid? Cat is 18 years old and he’s had her since a kitten. But is that really worth his families’ stress and anxiety, closing ourselves off in our already small house to keep ourselves separate from the cat?

Our toddler is at a lovely age and playing really nicely and exploring the house safely. I want them to have this freedom and not have me follow making sure the cat isn’t anywhere near.

Has this happened to anyone, and did you put up with it or rehome the cat?

DP knows I’m not happy and sees cat as part of the family, so would be very reluctant to rehome, which I would feel with one of my own cats but there has to be a point surely!?

So:

YABU = cat is part of the family, DP will never forgive you if you make him get rid of the cat

YANBU = it’s just a cat, toddlers safety is the most importantly and your peace and sanity is also important!

It's a tricky one, but ... she's 18, she's not going to be around much longer. And I don't think it's that odd that a cat swipes you; cats do that. I've had cats with a small child and I wouldn't let the child pull them around in boxes - even if they're very docile, I think you ought to be teaching a small child to be reasonably respectful.

One of mine is absurdly un-fussed and you could pick her up and dangle her upside down, for example, and DD used to want to, but I told her not to, because it's not fair on the cat.

The cat is 18 years old, it’s likely she won’t have more than a few years left. At 18 giving her up is basically sending her to spend her remaining time in fosters / rescues, people don’t often adopt cats of that age.

I think there needs to just be workarounds for the time the cat has left, perhaps more high areas for the cat to escape to / watch from? Ours love window hammocks and also high cat shelfs to perch on. That would also help keep her out of toddler reach? Would feliway calm also perhaps help? It’s probably been stressful for the cat to have a new home and two new humans late in life!

I think rushing over panicking saying “no no no” is only going to heighten your anxiety, the cat’s reaction and the stress levels everywhere. Especially if the toddler is mimicking and shouting at the cat, it would be worth modelling not shouting at an animal, you’re not going to make the cat like you by doing that for sure!

Might be worth asking the vet for advice or Feliway (I think that's what it's called) plug in.

Some cats can be pretty spicy, but this seems extreme. Has DP ever taken his cat to the vet to see if there’s a health reason behind her being so terrified of being touched or even walked past that she attacks?

You’ll struggle to rehome a very senior cat tbh. At 18, if the option is taking her to a rescue and having her stuck in a cage being passed over by everyone or having her PTS, I’d opt for the latter. Whether DP agrees is another matter.

I have two cats like this. Both rescued off the street. Luckily I also have a dream cat that restores my faith in cats every day. Both female cats love my dh and have zéro tolérance for me.
If she is 18, I think you will have to wait it out. Nobody would want her and she would die in a shelter. Could you confiné her to a part of the house that your baby couldn’t access?

You might be able to change the behaviour. I did it with a semi feral cat. Every time they swiped (usually due to overstimulation like yours, the odd stroke or walking by) I would scruff them, say no, I'm the boss you don't so that in a firm voice them let them alone for half an hour. Then I would go back and talk nicely to them and give them one stroke. It took eight months of this, numerous times daily, but it worked. It took us from needing four people to hold him down at the vets, to me just stroking him whilst the vet did their stuff. I also do this with the rescues I take in (some stay, some get rehomed). It seems to work as all my cats are friendly and settled with humans and cats in a multicat household.

It doesn't sound great for the cat (or toddler). The cat is going to become stressed out being shut in rooms, the toddler is going to get hurt (and scared of cats!).

So honestly... I'd get professional advice to help find the cat a quiet home. For their sake.

The cats age is irrelevant to me. People saying she’s 18 so she can’t last more than a few years. How many years of being on edge and having a stressful childhood should the op and the child have growing up? This is their home. I’m a carer to a lady who has two cats, one is 26! It doesn’t sound like this cat is slowing down either

My old boy was exactly like yours and I had concerns about when I cared for toddler dgd.Firstly have you got a flap.? Cat has to be able to get away not at the door as you say. In my experience cat gave noisy toddler a wide birth and either slept upstairs ,or went out. A child so young needs constant supervision anyway, so try to dial down how this stresses you. Has cat got high perches to get away, bout mine chose another room and then came to our laps when children went home or to bed.

Drummed into child not to touch cat and we were ok. Cat won’t last long and no one would adopt, would be really cruel to get rid when it can be managed. Five years on our old got massive cancer and pts. New boy is much gentler and child strokes cat but only after asking, so she has learned early to respect animals.
you can do this good luck op

Last in first out..
Can you ask a family member to have your dc until dcat passes?

Some cats are like this.

i have had a variety of cats over my life and while some are cuddly and loving others are more feral,

however ALL cats will swipe at a toddler who is not respecting their space or is touching them in ways they don’t like. Sure, “kind hands” but that takes years to sink in for children.

any other cat would still take swipes.

realistically at 18 she is in the very old age stages. Unless you plan on rehoming her to eg DH’s parents she will not be adopted out of a shelter.

at 18 she is unlikely to have long left. Just wait it out.

You should be able to seperate an 18yo cat off fairly easily. If the cat was 5yo I’d have a different answer, but at 18yo and with behavioural issues there is zero way the cat will be rehomed, no one will take it. How’s its health in general?

I agree being 18 years old it wouldn’t be realistic to re home. The only option would be for my DPs dad to have her. He looks after her at his house when we go away as the cat won’t go in a cattery.
But, then that would be passing the stress of a volatile cat to an elderly man, which he manages for a week, but would probably not agree to permanently.

And then I don’t know if it’s reasonable to say that our toddlers safety is more important and also I am still trying to claw myself out of PPD which no one but DP and my boss knows about.

I’m tired of keeping it in and keeping things together for the sake of a bloody cat.

DP has tried this before apparently. Nothing has ever worked.

What's the house set up? Where's the cat flap, have you a garden, etc?

I think this is going to have to be managed out, which at 18 hopefully shouldn't be too long.

Long shot and I'm guessing the answer would be no, but any chance your DP would be able to fit claw caps so the swipes wouldn't draw blood?

During the day I would lock the cat in one room that your toddler isn't in if that's possible. Put food, litter tray, cat toys in there for it. Then when the toddler is in bed the cat can have more freedom. At 18 it's a very elderly cat, it can't need much exercise, surely it just needs to sleep most of the day. Your child has to be the priority.

I hadn’t heard of this as a way to train a cat and it sounds very effective. Tbh, we should’ve done this a long time ago, but I don’t think it’d be possible now.
Cat has arthritis and bad on its back legs.
probably excuses I know, but I don’t think I have the energy to even try it.

If you made this post about a dog growling and snapping, baring his teeth at a toddler the results would be unanimous.

drives me nuts what cats get away with….

I agree with you completely.

Of course it’s reasonable to say the toddler is more important. It would be insane to think otherwise.

If you can’t get rid of the cat (I agree it sounds like your DP’s dad is not a realistic option), then can you have cat free areas of the house? Like the door to the living room is always shut and the cat simply never goes in there? Same for toddler’s bedroom.

But honestly, I’d put down a cat that sounds miserable, is making my life miserable, and is vicious towards a toddler.

You are being unreasonable - where do you think you're going to rehome her to? No one is going to take on an aggressive 18 year old cat. I've had cats all my life and I certainly wouldn't. If you want her gone it would very likely be a case of having her PTS.

To make it less stressful in the short term, make arrangements so that the cat is restricted to certain rooms and the outdoors.

Assuming your DH can get her into a cat carrier, take her to the vet. She may be in pain or unwell which is making her particularly bad tempered. You say she has arthritis, is she medicated? That can be very painful, and she may also have other health issues. I am partly suggesting this because it may help her mood, but it may also be the case it would be kinder to have her PTS, which I think is the only way she's leaving your house.

Sounds like a horrible cat! My MIL had one similar and he was just horrible even from a kitten. She was clawed to bits around her ankles and hands. The cat would lie in the way (like in doorways, in front of cupboards) and if you went near he would swipe at you. We wouldn't visit without wearing jeans and sturdy shoes so we could sort of nudge him out of the way.

Like previous posters have said though, it would be different if this were a grumpy old dog, probably would have been PTS by now....

If DH won't re-home it, the cat needs to be shut somewhere calm and away from the household, maybe in a utility room or porch, so everyone else can be safe and it isn't disturbed. If the cat swipes and gets your toddler in the eye the impact could be serious.

If the cat has arthritis it may be in a lot of pain. Our cat has monthly Solensia injections for arthritis and her mood has totally changed - much calmer.

Your cat sounds like my spirit animal OP.