To ask DP to get rid of cat?

[whomoon]

My DP and I moved in together 6 years ago and he brought his cat with him. I love cats, have grown up with many over the years and had a cat myself before DP moved in before my cat passed away at an old age.

I was happy having his cat and accepted that she is not a typical cat. She is a ‘character’. Basically, you can’t go near here unless she allows you to and she will only offer you her back for 3 or 4 strokes before she’d turn round and go black eyed ready to swipe you if you dare go in for a 5th.

If you walk past her too many times she’d go for you. She wouldn’t move, she’d stand her ground. You can’t approach her from the front for a stroke. You can’t go near her to move her if she’s on your seat, I have to get a cushion and shoo her away, as she hisses and would take a swipe if she gets angry. On an evening she will sit on your lap like a normal cat, and you could get a couple of head strokes in before she settles but you can’t touch her again after that.

There are many many more examples of this. I’ve never known a cat like her. All my cats through the years have been loving, cuddly, just normal really. Yes, all have their quirks and personality but no issues living with them and dealing with them when necessary. For example I have never even picked this cat up, ever. Never to move her, or even just to hold her. She would claw me apart if I did. My DP manages to if needed and for vets visits, but that literally is it.
I have my thoughts on why she is like this but it’s not really relevant because she is like she is, and 6 years of me living with her has not changed anything. But, we’ve all lived together fine and accepted who she is. Other than warning guests to our home not to touch her, it’s just our normal I guess

So the issue now is, we had a baby in 2024. Baby is now a toddler and I cannot leave them in the same room together. We have to keep the cat behind the kitchen door, behind the dining room door, or behind the door to the stairs to ensure our toddler is both safe and free to move around. This is because our cat has swiped our toddler a few times since they were baby and started moving from 8 months, with the last time being a deep cut on their arm which has scarred. As a typical toddler, they want to touch the cat, but also play near the cat unknowingly being ‘too close’ to her which could set the cat off.

My DP says we just need to teach our toddler how to be with the cat. Yes, with a NORMAL cat that’s what we would do. Gentle hands, give space, don’t pull or poke. But when we can’t even go near the cat ourselves, how do we tell an excitable toddler this, a toddler who has been on the move since 8 months old and wouldn’t even understand until recently what not to do.

My stress and anxiety levels around this is reaching boiling point. The cat scratches at the door constantly to be let out. When the cat moves between rooms we have to watch every millisecond of where our toddler is, if they’re getting too close or in running distance if they get excited to see the cat. Even worse, our toddler now mimics our behaviour with the cat. Shaking their hands at her, shouting (we try to not shout, but hey, it’s stressful to get the cat out the room) and because of my fear of the cat lashing out, when the toddler does get near I panic and rush over going ‘no, no, no’ out of instinct so they don’t get hurt. I don’t want my toddler growing up with this stress, either being scared or hating cats.

I loved my cats growing up. I slept in their cat beds with them, pulled them around in cardboard boxes, wrapped them in blankets. Now I know my toddler won’t have that and that’s okay, but I don’t want the opposite of them hating cats, that would be awful.

today, the cat swiped me for walking past too close. Bearing in mind I do not interact with this cat, and in no way do either of us mistreat her, but because I dared get too close and she swiped me. I shouted so loud my DP was in shock. He knows I’ve reached the next level of my stress with this situation and an ultimatum is coming. I’m a calm, go with the flow person, and our house is our sanctuary. My peace is disturbed and I just can’t relax now.

but how can I ask DP to get rid? Cat is 18 years old and he’s had her since a kitten. But is that really worth his families’ stress and anxiety, closing ourselves off in our already small house to keep ourselves separate from the cat?

Our toddler is at a lovely age and playing really nicely and exploring the house safely. I want them to have this freedom and not have me follow making sure the cat isn’t anywhere near.

Has this happened to anyone, and did you put up with it or rehome the cat?

DP knows I’m not happy and sees cat as part of the family, so would be very reluctant to rehome, which I would feel with one of my own cats but there has to be a point surely!?

So:

YABU = cat is part of the family, DP will never forgive you if you make him get rid of the cat

YANBU = it’s just a cat, toddlers safety is the most importantly and your peace and sanity is also important!

He’s in my garden and my family also have to deal with him. Tough cookies.

If the cat has been like this forever, what did you honestly expect when you had a kid? That it would change?

Your OH has had this cat for 18 years, 18! No you can't get rid of it just because your fed up, that's horrible..

I'm not a cat person but I doubt it'll live forever. Just continue to be uncomfortable until your toddler understands or the cat dies. It's not as long as you probably feel like at the moment. But don't put that pressure on your OH because you don't want to deal with the cat now you've got a kid.

Yep, if those claws caught an eye rather than an arm, what then?
I say get rid.

I love animals, but they aren't babies.

We faced this exact situation. Older psycho cat was moved permanently into DH’s home office. Child was not allowed in DH’s home office. Total separation. In theory It was not ideal for the cat, but rehoming an elderly cat would have been worse.

honestly, once the cat went to live exclusively in one room and get large blocks of time exclusively with DH, she calmed down completely. She loved him. It was the rest of the world she hated.

One. Get a cat flap installed. You can get ones for doors, windows, walls.
Two. Lots of high up places cat can go that don’t require big jumps…..so different levels to get up.
Three. Consider engaging the services of a cat behaviour expert.
Four. Take to the vet or get a home visit from a mobile vet service.

She will be dead soon sadly

I understand anxiety as I had it so badly I went into paxyhosis

If you are going to shut a cat in one room then it needs to be a large room, with multiple levels, scratching posts, hidey holes, lots of space between food dishes, water bowls (get a water fountain if you don’t have one) and litter trays. There should be two litter trays, regularly cleaned out.

I don’t agree with shutting a cat in a room but if the only other option is banishing it or killing it because you don’t like it, then it’s better than those I suppose.

Nobody sensible...

ok, well this very sensible person would. Unfortunately I didn't realise when I bought this house in a quiet road in the semi rural suburbs, that it is dreadful for cat fatalities. It is shocking and I won't gave a cat while I live here.

Otherwise @whomoon I'd offer to have him. His stand off nature wouldn't bother me & id train him that if he's up on me/the furniture it isn't acceptable to lash out (I've done this before).

but I won't take the risk here, so that's that. But I assume I'm not the only person that would take him in. You could ring several rescues & explain the situation & they may have someone who could take him & you keep him at home rather than at the rescues/fosters until they do.

both you & DH have failed this cat, by not training it before you brought a baby into its home. But you are where you are & you're not coping. What do you have to lose by asking your FIL? No guilt trip. Make it clear you understand if it's too much. Offer to pay for & deliver/have delivered food & litter tray stuff & pay vet bills etc (DH to do vet visits).

it seems a win.win situation to me. FIL gets the cat first company. But without any if ffs expense/hassje, DH can still see the cat when he wants & his wife is not screaming at his cat/his toddler is not getting scratched.

I’m a pro cat-cat lover all the way but people would be reacting very differently if they said it was a dog. Cats are capable of doing great harm to a toddler.

Imagine you saw a headline where an 18 month old had its eyes scratched to ribbons by a startled cat that the parents knew was very temperamental and territorial. That had swiped at them, the adults in the situation. Everyone would be chastising the parents for refusing to safeguard the child. Not only that, growing up in fear and walking on egg shells because of a volatile animal is traumatic for a child. Especially if it is being swiped at a lot while only trying to learn their way around the home. No kid should grow up fearful for the sake of keeping an elderly, unhappy and snapping animal.

Hopefully the FIL could offer a more peaceful home for the cats final years. Failing that, the cat has had a long life and at nearly 20 years old and on medication for pain and problems I don’t think any vet would consider not unreasonable to consider it coming up to time to let go.

Not all cats are nice or wanted to be patted. I grew up with a cat that wasn’t overly nice. He’d wait and leap out with claws out as you walked past him. You could pick him up for 30 secs max before he’d claw you and fight his way out of your arms. Hated my dog with a passion. Never sat in anyone’s lap but would happily get in bed with you as long as you didn’t touch him.

Cat stays. Vet check up and medication review. Keep separating cat and child. Stop trying to touch the cat. Teach your child to leave the cat alone. Get stair gates that have a cat flap in them so the cat can escape the child. Put an enclosed litter tray upstairs.

Are you getting support for your PPD @whomoon? Counselling and medication? You might cope more easily if it’s under control.

If you had a really reactive dog who was aggressive to you, you wouldn't go ahead and put a baby in the mix though.

And if you did, you'd be doing behaviour training and all kinds of stuff to try change the dog long before the baby became a toddler

I don't think it's fair to compare the two

You clearly want her gone. She's 18, tricky and has arthritis. I have one the same. Kindest thing to do is to have her put to sleep rather than trying to palm her off on someone else at this stage in her life. Mine is going nowhere as we love her dearly but if for some reason I couldn't keep her there is no way she'd be going anywhere other than over the Rainbow Bridge at her age and with her health.

Ive a very cranky and spicey kitty and she stays upstairs while the kids are awake. Could you try keep kitty uo stairs?

Right, so completely different scenario to what the OP is describing.

Oh yes, interacting with toddlers gave me an inkling of what it would be like. But just that, an inkling. The reality of having children is a bit different though don’t you think? No one would have children if we all truly knew what it would be like and had the foresight to see what every day would look and feel like for the rest of our lives.

sounds stressful, I'd want to get rid of her also but Im not as much of a fan of cats.

I'd probably put it on my DP to find some ways to make it workable (e.g. a new set place she wants to be that's out of the way or him asking someone to look after cat once a week etc) and if it's not better after a month or so then bye bye cat. But its on him to find ways to make it work - which there probably will be

Well come on, I would've had my kids again in a heartbeat.

Spicy
Tricky
Cranky
Feisty

I love the twee language downplaying the cats behaviour.

I would put her upstairs with litter tray in day, give her free rein (apart from toddler bedroom) then she comes down on an evening when toddler goes up.

Meh, the cat is 18 so you have about a year or so left. I’d stick it out and just try to be in different rooms from the cat.

People choose to ignore how much damage a well placed paw of sharp claws could do to a tiny toddler’s face.

DP does trim her claws regularly. He puts a little helmet on her and she is submissive for about one minute which allows him to trim her claws.
whilst that might help lessen any damage if she gets a scratch in, obviously I don’t want any scratch at all.

We managed with a very aggressive (but company craving) cat, a baby, a toddler and another disabled cat (that she'd attack) for 2 years.

It was difficult but we managed. Despite her biting and clawing my husband and I to the extent of drawing blood, daily, we kept enough separation that she didn't get the kids ever.

We used doors and zoning and really really careful supervision. It wouldn't have been sustainable forever but with you it doesn't need to be given how old kitty is.

I would love life to be perfectly planned out, imagine how stress free that could be!
Any idea how to market that? We would make a killing

OP, stop posting here defending yourself, the amount of hand wringing here is insane. Just go and have a chat with your DH and together make a choice that's in the best interest of your child.