To ask DP to get rid of cat?

[whomoon]

My DP and I moved in together 6 years ago and he brought his cat with him. I love cats, have grown up with many over the years and had a cat myself before DP moved in before my cat passed away at an old age.

I was happy having his cat and accepted that she is not a typical cat. She is a ‘character’. Basically, you can’t go near here unless she allows you to and she will only offer you her back for 3 or 4 strokes before she’d turn round and go black eyed ready to swipe you if you dare go in for a 5th.

If you walk past her too many times she’d go for you. She wouldn’t move, she’d stand her ground. You can’t approach her from the front for a stroke. You can’t go near her to move her if she’s on your seat, I have to get a cushion and shoo her away, as she hisses and would take a swipe if she gets angry. On an evening she will sit on your lap like a normal cat, and you could get a couple of head strokes in before she settles but you can’t touch her again after that.

There are many many more examples of this. I’ve never known a cat like her. All my cats through the years have been loving, cuddly, just normal really. Yes, all have their quirks and personality but no issues living with them and dealing with them when necessary. For example I have never even picked this cat up, ever. Never to move her, or even just to hold her. She would claw me apart if I did. My DP manages to if needed and for vets visits, but that literally is it.
I have my thoughts on why she is like this but it’s not really relevant because she is like she is, and 6 years of me living with her has not changed anything. But, we’ve all lived together fine and accepted who she is. Other than warning guests to our home not to touch her, it’s just our normal I guess

So the issue now is, we had a baby in 2024. Baby is now a toddler and I cannot leave them in the same room together. We have to keep the cat behind the kitchen door, behind the dining room door, or behind the door to the stairs to ensure our toddler is both safe and free to move around. This is because our cat has swiped our toddler a few times since they were baby and started moving from 8 months, with the last time being a deep cut on their arm which has scarred. As a typical toddler, they want to touch the cat, but also play near the cat unknowingly being ‘too close’ to her which could set the cat off.

My DP says we just need to teach our toddler how to be with the cat. Yes, with a NORMAL cat that’s what we would do. Gentle hands, give space, don’t pull or poke. But when we can’t even go near the cat ourselves, how do we tell an excitable toddler this, a toddler who has been on the move since 8 months old and wouldn’t even understand until recently what not to do.

My stress and anxiety levels around this is reaching boiling point. The cat scratches at the door constantly to be let out. When the cat moves between rooms we have to watch every millisecond of where our toddler is, if they’re getting too close or in running distance if they get excited to see the cat. Even worse, our toddler now mimics our behaviour with the cat. Shaking their hands at her, shouting (we try to not shout, but hey, it’s stressful to get the cat out the room) and because of my fear of the cat lashing out, when the toddler does get near I panic and rush over going ‘no, no, no’ out of instinct so they don’t get hurt. I don’t want my toddler growing up with this stress, either being scared or hating cats.

I loved my cats growing up. I slept in their cat beds with them, pulled them around in cardboard boxes, wrapped them in blankets. Now I know my toddler won’t have that and that’s okay, but I don’t want the opposite of them hating cats, that would be awful.

today, the cat swiped me for walking past too close. Bearing in mind I do not interact with this cat, and in no way do either of us mistreat her, but because I dared get too close and she swiped me. I shouted so loud my DP was in shock. He knows I’ve reached the next level of my stress with this situation and an ultimatum is coming. I’m a calm, go with the flow person, and our house is our sanctuary. My peace is disturbed and I just can’t relax now.

but how can I ask DP to get rid? Cat is 18 years old and he’s had her since a kitten. But is that really worth his families’ stress and anxiety, closing ourselves off in our already small house to keep ourselves separate from the cat?

Our toddler is at a lovely age and playing really nicely and exploring the house safely. I want them to have this freedom and not have me follow making sure the cat isn’t anywhere near.

Has this happened to anyone, and did you put up with it or rehome the cat?

DP knows I’m not happy and sees cat as part of the family, so would be very reluctant to rehome, which I would feel with one of my own cats but there has to be a point surely!?

So:

YABU = cat is part of the family, DP will never forgive you if you make him get rid of the cat

YANBU = it’s just a cat, toddlers safety is the most importantly and your peace and sanity is also important!

How about, I’m prepared to live with horrendous mental health, DP and I arguing every day whilst we shut cat behind every door as she scratches to get out, whilst toddler lives their life exploring and having fun at the risk of being swiped at by a horrible cat. Better?
cat trumps my well-being and life. Got it.

Wait, toddlers aren’t supposed to run into traffic, play with sockets or drink bleach? I must’ve missed that memo whilst I was cleaning up the gaping slice on my baby’s arm from cat.

Whilst I agree with what you’re saying, this cat isn’t what you’d typically expect.
she might snooze for half the day, but the other half the day she wants to be in the same room as you. She doesn’t run away for peace and quiet. She seems to want to be with us and toddler. So establishing boundaries where cat and toddler can’t cross is impossible, if the cat decides to be there. Hence her scratching at doors to be let in, even though there’s lots of places to hide and snooze upstairs.
This is why the stress has built and built after all these months. I wish shed be happy just snoozing somewhere

Genuinely interested, how do you propose I ‘restrain’ the toddler?

"Gaping wound on my toddler" Fucking hell, a bit of an exaggeration love, its a cat, not a fucking velociraptor.

An unpleasant scratch at best; the kid isn't going to die from sepsis and being around an animal might even help their immune system in the long run.

Now whilst keeping them apart and being vigilant about how your child is behaving around an animal is the best solution a scratch isn't really a big deal in the long run and might teach them that they shouldn't be pestering animals, but ideally, someone should be teaching those values directly rather than them having to learn it themselves.

Getting rid of an 18 year old cat because you suddenly find them inconvenient? Sickening.

The child could have died from sepsis. Cats carry harmful bacteria in their paws, which can cause serious infections. My friend was in hospital for two weeks from a cat scratch on her arm. She had two operations to remove the festering flesh. She was very ill and has an awful scar, plus a scar on her leg where they harvested skin for a repair on her arm.

I do find gaping slices in my toddlers arm inconvenient actually love.
have you seen the scratch? Have you seen inside your baby’s arm?
Luckily I kept it clean so ‘the kid didn’t die from sepsis’. Would I be allowed to get rid of the cat if the kid did die from sepsis? It’s a tricky one isn’t it.

My god this thread keeps out crazy-ing itself 😅

Sounds like you need to pay more attention to your child.

And all your woes are down to the cat? I think you need to get a grip. Are you looking for permission to have her put down? Do you think you will be happy then? because it doesn’t sound like it.

You sound like someone who bins off puppies when the fashion changes. About as much depth as a puddle.

Never owned a dog in my life. Had one cat which I had for 12 years and will never own another animal again.

Try not to assume things about people on the internet, you’re absolutely awful at it.

But it’s hard work like you said. It’d be horrendous to put myself and my life before my cat, like you said.
nope, don’t need permission to do anything, not my call as I’ve previously said.
But yes, I will be happy when cat isn’t here anymore.

haha I don’t think she needs your permission! @BluesBird19764 You might want to play martyr to an ancient aggressive cat, but Op wants to prioritise her child and her own mental health. Good for her!

You restrain a child by picking them up. Using a baby pen or high chair if you actually have to be doing something else. A portable bed (or stroller or carseat most of the time) to park them in whenever they fall asleep so you can get stuff done, or wheel them over to the nearest couch so you can lie down and sleep too.

We had to use other restraints for our eldest in the form of toddler reins as she was a bolter and never listened- mainly when walking out in public. She is an animal lover still, but as a baby was extra fascinated by animals even above kids' usual natural curiosity. She still wasn't allowed to run up to strangers' dogs or jump into lakes to pat ducklings. Reins on, hand held, picked up- whatever. That's what is meant by restraining them.

In the home it meant that when she was a newly mobile baby, she wasn't allowed to terrorise our old dog. "Uh uh we don't do that" any time she tried to run at the dog or approach her in anything less than a calm way. Tail? Paws? "We never touch dog's paws." Whatever. You're keeping the pet free from stress but also teaching babies to respect animals- knowledge that will stand them in good stead.

It's exhausting but worth it.

You know this cat hates to be stroked (and seem miffed by that in your OP, but that's true of a lot of animals. It isn't personal) So you explain that this particular cat, the toddler doesn't touch. Ever. The baby will gradually learn. Until she does, you have to watch like a hawk.

But your husband and you should not be shouting around the baby. If you husband is losing his rag at you like that, that is a separate issue.

Late to reading this thread, can't believe the poll went that way, crazy!
As somebody who definitely qualifies as a crazy cat lady, having lived with multiples for over 60 years I have to say this is one occasion where the cat doesn't come first.
I quite understand you running out of patience at this point, obviously a lot of people have never experienced a cat where just leaving it alone is not enough to not get clawed and bitten. I've had a cat like that, luckily not when my son was young.

Have you managed to arrange a vet visit yet?
Unfortunately even with arthritis she could live a lot longer yet, if no other illness is in play.
I really think that you need to sit your DP down and have a straight talk about how you are feeling, the effect on your child, everything.
I gather he's not one for making the pragmatic decision on euthanasia but maybe he will come round to seeing that it's best for everybody? And I include the cat in that everybody, she's not going to have much of a life being confined to certain areas, shooed away from everyone and so on.

Of course rehoming is not going to work, unless you happen to know somebody who would take her, which I'm guessing you would have mentioned.
Things may just get easier as your little one grows up, as the cat ages, etc.
But they may well only get worse, having her gently PTS is probably the kindest thing for her too. I hope you find some sort of solution soon x

We have different experiences with toddlers I think.

other than picking them up, which I do but can’t hold them all day as I do need to do things, then you’ve described ways to restrain a baby, not an active toddler. My toddler has never had a baby pen, high chair is only for eating, and the pushchair is only used for walks, not to sit in the house so they can nap. They’ve never done that.
plus, this is their house. I can’t physically restrain them just so the cat can roam free. They need to explore and learn and mummy needs to do things too! And I’m pretty sure you’re not actually recommending to using baby reins inside the house..

We are teaching toddler how to be around the cat, we teach toddler how to be around animals when we’re out the house but we’re not talking about other animals and being outside the house here so that’s not relevant.

I know cat hates to be stroked, as I was explaining the situation of the cat. I’m not miffed, this is how I am setting out the scene.

Welcome to CatsNet!

It’s time to let the cat go. It is spoiling your early years with your baby. It does not sound like a very happy cat and may be in pain Start researching rehoming or fostering to at least give you some space to think if this were a dog, the advice would be completely different

So? I don't care how big the animal is, or what species it is. If it poses a risk to my child, I'm doing the responsible thing and either a) rehoming to a home without children or b) if that's not viable, or enough to mitigate the risk, then I'll PTS.

If you won't rehome unless the damage is sensational enough to be newsworthy, that's you being daft.

You don't have to be very clever to have children 🤷‍♂️

You would not, no. All hail the precious cat. 🙄

I wouldn't wait for my kid to get cat scratch fever, never mind sodding sepsis.

If you're not willing to prioritise your toddler's safety over an animal, then you shouldn't have had a child.

I got swipped at by the neighbour's cat when I was a child, its claws actually got stuck in the skin on the back of my hand which resulted in a short kind of tug of war as both us tried to recoil from each other. When the cat finally retracted its claws and managed to remove itself from me I had more then just 'an unpleasant' scratch to show for it (quite a bloody wound). I was about five at the time and howling in pain and shock. No I did not die, but it did effect me for years afterwards insofar as being fearful of any cats and dogs. Some on here think that is a price worth paying if there is a 'lesson to be learned', which seems harsh on any child concerned.