To ask DP to get rid of cat?

[whomoon]

My DP and I moved in together 6 years ago and he brought his cat with him. I love cats, have grown up with many over the years and had a cat myself before DP moved in before my cat passed away at an old age.

I was happy having his cat and accepted that she is not a typical cat. She is a ‘character’. Basically, you can’t go near here unless she allows you to and she will only offer you her back for 3 or 4 strokes before she’d turn round and go black eyed ready to swipe you if you dare go in for a 5th.

If you walk past her too many times she’d go for you. She wouldn’t move, she’d stand her ground. You can’t approach her from the front for a stroke. You can’t go near her to move her if she’s on your seat, I have to get a cushion and shoo her away, as she hisses and would take a swipe if she gets angry. On an evening she will sit on your lap like a normal cat, and you could get a couple of head strokes in before she settles but you can’t touch her again after that.

There are many many more examples of this. I’ve never known a cat like her. All my cats through the years have been loving, cuddly, just normal really. Yes, all have their quirks and personality but no issues living with them and dealing with them when necessary. For example I have never even picked this cat up, ever. Never to move her, or even just to hold her. She would claw me apart if I did. My DP manages to if needed and for vets visits, but that literally is it.
I have my thoughts on why she is like this but it’s not really relevant because she is like she is, and 6 years of me living with her has not changed anything. But, we’ve all lived together fine and accepted who she is. Other than warning guests to our home not to touch her, it’s just our normal I guess

So the issue now is, we had a baby in 2024. Baby is now a toddler and I cannot leave them in the same room together. We have to keep the cat behind the kitchen door, behind the dining room door, or behind the door to the stairs to ensure our toddler is both safe and free to move around. This is because our cat has swiped our toddler a few times since they were baby and started moving from 8 months, with the last time being a deep cut on their arm which has scarred. As a typical toddler, they want to touch the cat, but also play near the cat unknowingly being ‘too close’ to her which could set the cat off.

My DP says we just need to teach our toddler how to be with the cat. Yes, with a NORMAL cat that’s what we would do. Gentle hands, give space, don’t pull or poke. But when we can’t even go near the cat ourselves, how do we tell an excitable toddler this, a toddler who has been on the move since 8 months old and wouldn’t even understand until recently what not to do.

My stress and anxiety levels around this is reaching boiling point. The cat scratches at the door constantly to be let out. When the cat moves between rooms we have to watch every millisecond of where our toddler is, if they’re getting too close or in running distance if they get excited to see the cat. Even worse, our toddler now mimics our behaviour with the cat. Shaking their hands at her, shouting (we try to not shout, but hey, it’s stressful to get the cat out the room) and because of my fear of the cat lashing out, when the toddler does get near I panic and rush over going ‘no, no, no’ out of instinct so they don’t get hurt. I don’t want my toddler growing up with this stress, either being scared or hating cats.

I loved my cats growing up. I slept in their cat beds with them, pulled them around in cardboard boxes, wrapped them in blankets. Now I know my toddler won’t have that and that’s okay, but I don’t want the opposite of them hating cats, that would be awful.

today, the cat swiped me for walking past too close. Bearing in mind I do not interact with this cat, and in no way do either of us mistreat her, but because I dared get too close and she swiped me. I shouted so loud my DP was in shock. He knows I’ve reached the next level of my stress with this situation and an ultimatum is coming. I’m a calm, go with the flow person, and our house is our sanctuary. My peace is disturbed and I just can’t relax now.

but how can I ask DP to get rid? Cat is 18 years old and he’s had her since a kitten. But is that really worth his families’ stress and anxiety, closing ourselves off in our already small house to keep ourselves separate from the cat?

Our toddler is at a lovely age and playing really nicely and exploring the house safely. I want them to have this freedom and not have me follow making sure the cat isn’t anywhere near.

Has this happened to anyone, and did you put up with it or rehome the cat?

DP knows I’m not happy and sees cat as part of the family, so would be very reluctant to rehome, which I would feel with one of my own cats but there has to be a point surely!?

So:

YABU = cat is part of the family, DP will never forgive you if you make him get rid of the cat

YANBU = it’s just a cat, toddlers safety is the most importantly and your peace and sanity is also important!

Totally agree.

We have always had cats but this does sound extreme. For me a toddler trumps the cat every time. There has already been one deep scratch . Either re-home with a tolerant cat loving friend, or PTS as awful and traumatic as that is.

No easy answers here, but your child has to take priority.

A dog can be viscous. A cat can be viscous.

They can both attack and cause harm.
so yes, they are animals and are comparable.

I think sensibly you have two choices:

Wait it out. You like cats, just not this one. If you were able to rehome this cat, I can't see any circumstance where you could suggest to your DP that you get another. If you're ok with that then..

Rehome to FIL [beg if necessary] on the basis that you will cover all food, vet bills and someone [paid for if you are too far] will visit to deal with the litter tray and administer medication if it can't be simply added to food. You may be able to find an alternative to FIL if you are prepared to rehome on that basis.

Really? My 18 year old cat is outside right now, it's a mild day and he loves a good sniff around the garden, but he goes out in freezing conditions too.

OP, you can't in good heart send the cat to a shelter - it would be cruel. The cat would eventually be PTS because no-one will adopt it. There is no way your partner will agree to that.

Get him to take the cat to the vet for a check up to see if there's anything else wrong other than arthritis. Solensia is fantastic, if it's not on that already. Have another go with Feliway (in multiple rooms). And the vet might be able to suggest some other medication that will calm the cat down a bit. Make sure it has high places to escape to and its eating area is quiet and private, away from the toddler.

You need to be on top of keeping the toddler away from the cat. Start teaching him now that he mustn't touch, leave the cat alone. Don't just stand and let it happen then scream about it being the cat's fault - you are in control here. And if he does get scratched he will learn quickly, as my son did with our temperamental cat.

You cant rehome a 18 year old cat, nobody sensible would take it on. Just wait it out. One of mine used to be very similar, she softened as the kids grew older turns out she didn’t trust young children with her.

Please note a cat can be dangerously vicious. I've looked after a patient in ICU who developed septicaemia and resulted in multi organ failure after being badly scratched by his own cat.

Probably very rare - but not something I'll forget ever. The man was in his early 50s and had previously been in very good health and a keen cyclist.

But that comes with the benefit of hindsight. We didn’t know what having a child would be like. it took us years to have a baby due to infertility and we didn’t foresee the reality of a toddler running about all those years ago when we went through the torment of IVF.
Yes we knew what the cat was like but naturally the desire to have a child overrides everything and you don’t think about logics of what might happen in years to come and how you feel about things.
So I stand by my lol.

It's "vicious".

And you are so over-dramatic. A cat is far less of a risk and easier to manage than a dog.

You hate the cat, you made wrong choices and now you expect us to condone even more wrong choices. Ridiculous, all around.

That could be a sticky situation.

Didn’t foresee the reality of a toddler running around? Did you think the toddler would just sit relaxing on the sofa? Surely you must’ve come across other toddlers that would’ve give you an inkling?

As responsible pet owners, logics should come into every decision and I stand by that. Hopefully your OH still has some responsibility.

She’s very old to rehome, but I completely see your point of view. She won’t be around for too much longer and if she was mine I might consider pts - I know, I’ll be flamed for this. I had a miserable and moody tortoiseshell cat and a toddler - a relative rehomed the cat and she lived out her mean life happily there.

Rehoming to give to a shelter was never an option I suggested, only to FIL.

But another vet visit is probably the next thing to do. DP does the vet visits so I’ll ask he takes her and explains what’s happening to see what they recommend. As you can imagine, when she’s at the vets she goes MENTAL so they know the type of cat we’re dealing with. They can barely touch her so can’t even do a proper check up, it’s mainly done on DPs view on what he sees of her.

also, of course I don’t stand and let it happen. If you’ve had a toddler you can be right next to them and see how quick they move across the room before you can pull the back.
And I didn’t scream. I shouted at the cat for swiping at me. Toddler was downstairs and didn’t see anything. Toddler has been scratched a few times, the last one scarred months ago and is still there. I don’t want another scar.
I am on top of it but teetering on the edge!

That seems to be what the OP really has in mind.

I agree with you.

No animal comes before the safety and comfort of human beings, especially children.

Not quite the same situation but we had a bengal who drove me to the point of almost leaving my husband, in the last 2 or 3 years of her life.

Like you, I met the cat when she was 6 years old, husband had her from a kitten.

No issues when we were a young, child free couple, bengals are loud and insistent but catflaps and ear plugs worked fine. Then we moved house, catflap only opened into small garden whereas previously it had been access to the great outdoors beyond. And we had a baby.

The cat would yowl all night to go out of the front door. We'd be up and down, letting her in and out. Baby, thankfully didn't wake but our sleep was destroyed. For 3 years. Couldn't leave her out at night as she would yowl the street down, scratching at the door. Couldn't wear earplugs to block it out because of the child.

It was awful. We both gained weight as we were exhausted, my years at home with my little ones were affected as I was so bone tired. We argued over it a lot and we're not an arguing couple.

I could see she was getting worse, was deaf, on expensive medicine and for what? I wanted to PTS for our sakes primarily but also to save her declining more.

Finally, at age 18, we did it.

Life is infinitely better. We've lost weight, we're sleeping, I feel relaxed and happy in my own home again and we're not arguing.

I don't advocate PTS as an easy option but we honestly did everything we could, until she was old and ill and it broke us both. Never again.

Honestly...I'd be putting the cat to sleep. It doesn't sound like she has great quality of life and is in pain. I would try and get the DH to come to that conclusion himself.

Cat is 18. Cat stays.

If the cat were young, I might think differently.

Can you get the vet to fit her with soft claw caps to protect everyone?

Have you tried things like Feliway plug ins, Feliway collar?

Enrichment toys? Does DH play with her with things like feathers on sticks or strings so she exercises?

Watch a few episodes of the Cat Whisperer - he has some interesting ideas sometimes.

I don't think you can really get rid. She's too old to be adopted. TBF most cats do not live till 18.

If she's got more grumpy and violent over the last few years could it be she's in pain? When was the last time she went to vets? I don't think she'll last much longer. But giving her away to a charity would be cruel I think.

In total agreement with this 🙂.

As OP wishes child could grow-up with a ‘normal’ kitty; maybe get another cat now before the other 1 passes? But with close advice from cat behaviorist?
My elderly parents used to have a vicious cat exactly same as described by OP. It had lived with them from 12weeks & they’d had several cats before, all variations of normal! The vicious 1 was perfectly normal with other cats, just not with humans 🤷‍♀️.

Find me one person in the UK killed by a domestic cat? They're not comparable. You don't like the cat because it's unfriendly and doesn't like you. Fine. You don't need to make ridiculous comparisons. .

I mean, there’s always going to be one wildly spectacular case but this is extremely rare and neurotic to use as an example.

Agree!

Having a cat like that with a toddler is just not worth the risk.

I have also know a couple of cats that have lived beyond 20.

Oh well if you have never had a cat attack a child they clearly do not exist. What a ridiculous thing to say.

I have to confess I never understand how some people allow poorly behaved pets to dictate the dynamics of family living as if they are equals. My friend had a similar cat, which from kitten through to its eventual death some 16 years later was a just a complete vicious bad tempered little shit of an animal that would go for house guests irrespective of whether they were near it or not. It got to the point where people were turning down invites to BBQs, dinners etc because the cat was such a liability.

Dogs do more damage