To ask DP to get rid of cat?

[whomoon]

My DP and I moved in together 6 years ago and he brought his cat with him. I love cats, have grown up with many over the years and had a cat myself before DP moved in before my cat passed away at an old age.

I was happy having his cat and accepted that she is not a typical cat. She is a ‘character’. Basically, you can’t go near here unless she allows you to and she will only offer you her back for 3 or 4 strokes before she’d turn round and go black eyed ready to swipe you if you dare go in for a 5th.

If you walk past her too many times she’d go for you. She wouldn’t move, she’d stand her ground. You can’t approach her from the front for a stroke. You can’t go near her to move her if she’s on your seat, I have to get a cushion and shoo her away, as she hisses and would take a swipe if she gets angry. On an evening she will sit on your lap like a normal cat, and you could get a couple of head strokes in before she settles but you can’t touch her again after that.

There are many many more examples of this. I’ve never known a cat like her. All my cats through the years have been loving, cuddly, just normal really. Yes, all have their quirks and personality but no issues living with them and dealing with them when necessary. For example I have never even picked this cat up, ever. Never to move her, or even just to hold her. She would claw me apart if I did. My DP manages to if needed and for vets visits, but that literally is it.
I have my thoughts on why she is like this but it’s not really relevant because she is like she is, and 6 years of me living with her has not changed anything. But, we’ve all lived together fine and accepted who she is. Other than warning guests to our home not to touch her, it’s just our normal I guess

So the issue now is, we had a baby in 2024. Baby is now a toddler and I cannot leave them in the same room together. We have to keep the cat behind the kitchen door, behind the dining room door, or behind the door to the stairs to ensure our toddler is both safe and free to move around. This is because our cat has swiped our toddler a few times since they were baby and started moving from 8 months, with the last time being a deep cut on their arm which has scarred. As a typical toddler, they want to touch the cat, but also play near the cat unknowingly being ‘too close’ to her which could set the cat off.

My DP says we just need to teach our toddler how to be with the cat. Yes, with a NORMAL cat that’s what we would do. Gentle hands, give space, don’t pull or poke. But when we can’t even go near the cat ourselves, how do we tell an excitable toddler this, a toddler who has been on the move since 8 months old and wouldn’t even understand until recently what not to do.

My stress and anxiety levels around this is reaching boiling point. The cat scratches at the door constantly to be let out. When the cat moves between rooms we have to watch every millisecond of where our toddler is, if they’re getting too close or in running distance if they get excited to see the cat. Even worse, our toddler now mimics our behaviour with the cat. Shaking their hands at her, shouting (we try to not shout, but hey, it’s stressful to get the cat out the room) and because of my fear of the cat lashing out, when the toddler does get near I panic and rush over going ‘no, no, no’ out of instinct so they don’t get hurt. I don’t want my toddler growing up with this stress, either being scared or hating cats.

I loved my cats growing up. I slept in their cat beds with them, pulled them around in cardboard boxes, wrapped them in blankets. Now I know my toddler won’t have that and that’s okay, but I don’t want the opposite of them hating cats, that would be awful.

today, the cat swiped me for walking past too close. Bearing in mind I do not interact with this cat, and in no way do either of us mistreat her, but because I dared get too close and she swiped me. I shouted so loud my DP was in shock. He knows I’ve reached the next level of my stress with this situation and an ultimatum is coming. I’m a calm, go with the flow person, and our house is our sanctuary. My peace is disturbed and I just can’t relax now.

but how can I ask DP to get rid? Cat is 18 years old and he’s had her since a kitten. But is that really worth his families’ stress and anxiety, closing ourselves off in our already small house to keep ourselves separate from the cat?

Our toddler is at a lovely age and playing really nicely and exploring the house safely. I want them to have this freedom and not have me follow making sure the cat isn’t anywhere near.

Has this happened to anyone, and did you put up with it or rehome the cat?

DP knows I’m not happy and sees cat as part of the family, so would be very reluctant to rehome, which I would feel with one of my own cats but there has to be a point surely!?

So:

YABU = cat is part of the family, DP will never forgive you if you make him get rid of the cat

YANBU = it’s just a cat, toddlers safety is the most importantly and your peace and sanity is also important!

I'd at least ask your DP's dad. If he manages her for a week, would she really be that stressful?

The cat swiped you and you screamed? Good grief. The cat can sense your vibe, poor animal. No wonder it's twitchy.

I've never had a cat attack a child and I say this as having lived with cats in a family and then as a cat owner with children. So train your child not to harass it and you shouldn't have any problems.

Anyway it's not likely to be around for much longer. And to the poster who likened a cat to a dog, catch yourself on 🙄

Can you not, as well as restricting toddler to certain areas, also restrict Cat.
Make one room Cat's room and build a wire cat run out through the window to include a section of the garden too.

Then toddler need only be kept from that one room (spare bedroom or laundry.)
Once child is asleep you can choose to have Cat join you watching TV of an evening etc.

Child will quickly learn not to touch Cat at all. One scratch will etch child's memory.

Realistically probably a good solution is you live in a house where this is possible is to have a cat flap and then restrict inside access to the room the cat flap goes to - so either utility or kitchen.

the rest of the house is then a cat free space.

Absolutely not, how utterly heartless to even think of rehoming an elderly cat. Toddler will soon learn not to touch.

Gabapentin may help the cat, she is probably in pain and terribly anxious.

Looking at your 11.39 post, your cat may be nearing a time when it would be better being PTS anyway.

I would want the cat gone too. No animal is worth your child being hurt and life sounds a nightmare with it poised to scratch you all. It's had a long life already and sounds miserable now: at what point does it become kinder to have it PTS?

before people go mental I'm not a cat owner and never would be - I don't know what's fair here but I wouldn't have my child hurt

You can ask, but if anyone asked me to choose between them and my ageing pet, it would be them that I dumped.

Cat is medicated for the arthritis and it appears to have worked only visibly in that her legs look more stable than they used to. Although it’s never stopped her from jumping up anywhere.

Medication has never changed her temperament, she has always been a nasty cat rather than being nasty because of being in pain.

So you want the cat to die. Because very few cats, even cute young ones, get a second chance.

So you want the cat to die. Because very few cats, even cute young ones, get a second chance.

Including your child?

Had cats like this before. The cat’s behavious will get worse as it ages. You need to be proactive to keep cat and toddler apart.

I would be letting that cat out and pretending I didn’t I’m not going to lie.

You definitely can't rehome an elderly, vicious and unwell cat. Options are PTS or find a way to live with the cat. Given it sounds miserable and in pain PTS would not be an awful thing to do. Otherwise there have been lots of helpful suggestions on this thread. It does sound like something needs to change, as the current set up sounds miserable all round.

Rehoming an 18 year old cat would be cruel. She has been with your DP her whole life. I think you just need to work round it for the time she has left.

An 18 year old cat that swipes and is very temperamental.

Realistically you aren't rehoming her anywhere, so you'd be asking him to put her down if you won't have her in the house. I get why you're fed up but you have to be honest about what the options are.

Of course the toddler is more important but if it was my cat I'd be very unhappy to get rid (i just wouldn't tbh, it would be a hill I'd die on), she won't be here that much longer at 18. It doesn't sound medical if shes always been like this. I'd be keeping up with the cat free areas of the house/keeping them separate.

Obviously you prioritise your child over a cat- it is a cat.

I love cats, but wouldn’t risk my toddler being clawed.
it’s not even like you can pick it up and put it in another room is it? Sounds like it’s when not if.

PTS is probobly kindest at this point.

Well, that's not the only medication she could have. Others may have a calming and sedative effect.

It sounds like the cat is in pain with the arthritis etc. Have you tried painkillers. You can also get medication for cats such as anti anxiety which may help. Basically a cat this age won't be rehomed so it's pts or you figure out a solution either with meds or having the cat in a separate part of the house and being strict on not letting the cat into the shared areas

I shouted because I’m fucking sick of the cat!
I’m hardly going to sing it sweet lullaby’s and throw it a treat.

Have you trained an 8 month old baby not to go near a cat? Then train them at 17 months old not to walk near the cat?

problem is cat. Not toddler.

Starlight sprite so you'd happily murder a dcat?
Because sending an 18yo dcat out in January would be certain death..
Some sick people on here mind..

And, btw - I get you are having a rough time and I'm really sorry - but you do sound as if you and the toddler are winding the cat up.

Why would you go to stroke a cat that you know doesn't like being stroked? One of mine is like this (she's sitting on my feet atm). I don't stroke her because she doesn't like it; that's what the swipes are telling you. If you repeated 'get two strokes in' and then she lashes out, she's learned that you will pester her.

Same with your toddler. You don't seem to have taught the toddler to just leave her well alone. Ok, maybe you really can't and it's hard (I'm not sure if I missed how old the toddler is!). But I don't think you do teach a toddler 'gentle hands' with a cat who doesn't like contact. You teach 'don't disturb the cat'.

😂😂