To ask DP to get rid of cat?

[whomoon]

My DP and I moved in together 6 years ago and he brought his cat with him. I love cats, have grown up with many over the years and had a cat myself before DP moved in before my cat passed away at an old age.

I was happy having his cat and accepted that she is not a typical cat. She is a ‘character’. Basically, you can’t go near here unless she allows you to and she will only offer you her back for 3 or 4 strokes before she’d turn round and go black eyed ready to swipe you if you dare go in for a 5th.

If you walk past her too many times she’d go for you. She wouldn’t move, she’d stand her ground. You can’t approach her from the front for a stroke. You can’t go near her to move her if she’s on your seat, I have to get a cushion and shoo her away, as she hisses and would take a swipe if she gets angry. On an evening she will sit on your lap like a normal cat, and you could get a couple of head strokes in before she settles but you can’t touch her again after that.

There are many many more examples of this. I’ve never known a cat like her. All my cats through the years have been loving, cuddly, just normal really. Yes, all have their quirks and personality but no issues living with them and dealing with them when necessary. For example I have never even picked this cat up, ever. Never to move her, or even just to hold her. She would claw me apart if I did. My DP manages to if needed and for vets visits, but that literally is it.
I have my thoughts on why she is like this but it’s not really relevant because she is like she is, and 6 years of me living with her has not changed anything. But, we’ve all lived together fine and accepted who she is. Other than warning guests to our home not to touch her, it’s just our normal I guess

So the issue now is, we had a baby in 2024. Baby is now a toddler and I cannot leave them in the same room together. We have to keep the cat behind the kitchen door, behind the dining room door, or behind the door to the stairs to ensure our toddler is both safe and free to move around. This is because our cat has swiped our toddler a few times since they were baby and started moving from 8 months, with the last time being a deep cut on their arm which has scarred. As a typical toddler, they want to touch the cat, but also play near the cat unknowingly being ‘too close’ to her which could set the cat off.

My DP says we just need to teach our toddler how to be with the cat. Yes, with a NORMAL cat that’s what we would do. Gentle hands, give space, don’t pull or poke. But when we can’t even go near the cat ourselves, how do we tell an excitable toddler this, a toddler who has been on the move since 8 months old and wouldn’t even understand until recently what not to do.

My stress and anxiety levels around this is reaching boiling point. The cat scratches at the door constantly to be let out. When the cat moves between rooms we have to watch every millisecond of where our toddler is, if they’re getting too close or in running distance if they get excited to see the cat. Even worse, our toddler now mimics our behaviour with the cat. Shaking their hands at her, shouting (we try to not shout, but hey, it’s stressful to get the cat out the room) and because of my fear of the cat lashing out, when the toddler does get near I panic and rush over going ‘no, no, no’ out of instinct so they don’t get hurt. I don’t want my toddler growing up with this stress, either being scared or hating cats.

I loved my cats growing up. I slept in their cat beds with them, pulled them around in cardboard boxes, wrapped them in blankets. Now I know my toddler won’t have that and that’s okay, but I don’t want the opposite of them hating cats, that would be awful.

today, the cat swiped me for walking past too close. Bearing in mind I do not interact with this cat, and in no way do either of us mistreat her, but because I dared get too close and she swiped me. I shouted so loud my DP was in shock. He knows I’ve reached the next level of my stress with this situation and an ultimatum is coming. I’m a calm, go with the flow person, and our house is our sanctuary. My peace is disturbed and I just can’t relax now.

but how can I ask DP to get rid? Cat is 18 years old and he’s had her since a kitten. But is that really worth his families’ stress and anxiety, closing ourselves off in our already small house to keep ourselves separate from the cat?

Our toddler is at a lovely age and playing really nicely and exploring the house safely. I want them to have this freedom and not have me follow making sure the cat isn’t anywhere near.

Has this happened to anyone, and did you put up with it or rehome the cat?

DP knows I’m not happy and sees cat as part of the family, so would be very reluctant to rehome, which I would feel with one of my own cats but there has to be a point surely!?

So:

YABU = cat is part of the family, DP will never forgive you if you make him get rid of the cat

YANBU = it’s just a cat, toddlers safety is the most importantly and your peace and sanity is also important!

This.

Cross posted.

No, ok, teaching a 17 month old is tricky. My niece is a bit younger and has been taught not to disturb the cat, but obviously there are occasions when she forgets or doesn't realise, and I can see that your cat might swipe out in those circumstances.

I genuinely do think it's difficult. I'm not someone who'd never get rid of an animal, I will admit.

Just take the cat to the Vet and pay for it to be destroyed, you know that's what you want.

Good answer!

We don’t have a standard house set up. No cat flap although cat can go outside if she wants although chooses not to anymore.
No utility and we live in the kitchen diner with all doors leading off, including downstairs bathroom where litter tray is so even when we isolate cat to upstairs, she needs to come down for the litter tray. No option for tray upstairs as all rooms are lived in.
Hence the build up of this stress as we’re trying to isolate, which we do manage, but it’s a constant game of opening and closing doors when the cat wants to be let out.
It’s only the evenings can we relax when toddler in bed and cat stays downstairs with us

Have you trained an 8 month old baby not to go near a cat? Then train them at 17 months old not to walk near the cat?

Maybe stick the cat in your bedroom. Shut door. Then when toddler goes to bed early evening let the cat have run of the house? If you don’t want to shut toddlers door while they are in bed, put a cat gate across the door? There are solutions when considering the cat is 18yo.

ETA one of my (adult) kids has a cat gate on their bedroom door. It doesn’t stop the actual door from being shut either. It’s brilliant if you need to stick their cat somewhere for some reason - in the room it goes, where there is an emergency cat litter box and bowl of water. Cat gate is too tall for it to jump, bars are very close, so kittens heads don’t get stuck through, and it allows air flow so cat is not trapped in a hot room (we are in hot climate needing air con for at least 6 months of year). If the cat was a problem and 18yo, I’d have no hesitation in putting the ‘proper’ cat toilet (one of those swish self-cleaning, auto poo bagging jobs) in their room with food and drinking fountain and making that its ‘main residence’. Currently, we just do it if have furniture delivery, tradespeople etc so need to keep an external door open, as it is indoor cat. The gate/room system is also used if someone has party or large group of friends over so cat is not underfoot and in danger of being trodden on or have a drunk young adult annoy it. Works well.

This is what we use.
It appears to works for arthritis, but she is still the same cat as she was before baby came along

Honestly, I know this is the decision to be made at some point but I could never suggest it.
DP and I have differing views with PTS, not drastically, but after many years of owning cats and having to make 4 decisions myself, I have previously chosen PTS quite easily because I consider the wellbeing of the cat. I don’t believe cats should live indefinitely on medication unless they’re getting better, it’s not good for their little bodies to deal with potential effects of it.
DP has only ever had this one cat, and will continue with medicating for as long as he needs to.

I think a vet visit would be helpful just to double check she isnt in any pain.

Its hard, I have cats and also a toddler, so my initial reaction would have been to rehome, until I saw she is 18 years old. I don't begrudge you this decision!

I think the kindest thing for the cat would be to PTS, it is unhappy, stressed and unwell and ill be more stressed as toddler is more mobile

Ive had cars for all my life. Mainly lovely but a couple of less friendly ones. Also had children and grandchildren. Just tell the little ones not to play with the cat. They soon catch on. It's just like teaching them not to touch the fire or the oven. Animals are not toys anyway.

That might be how it came across but we don’t wind the cat up.

i was trying to explain the situation of the cat, in that you can’t just stroke her and this is what she does. I actively do not stroke her because I know she doesn’t like being stroked. In saying ‘get two strokes in’ was describing what it is like when she lets you stroke her. I obviously want to try and show affection to her when she wants it.

Toddler is 17 months so very young but energy of a 3 year old. We keep them apart and we actively tell her don’t touch. The ‘gentle hands’ comment would be a suggestion of training we would do if cat was normal and we needed to teach toddler how to stroke nicely, which we obviously don’t do.

We PTS out cat at 15 as he became very volatile and kept hurting the dc. He was clearly unhappy and the dc were terrified. It was really sad but the best thing for him

Don’t think anyone will rehome an 18 year old cat - just in time to pick up the vets bills until finally pts. You’d be better to assign a space to the cat and teach DC don’t touch cats.

You don’t “get rid” of elderly animals. You chose to have a child, you could’ve waited. The cat was there first.
I have had loads of rescue cats with challenging personalities, my DD has learnt to navigate. There’s no need for such dramatics.

Norty and not helpful to OP........but funny 😉

lol. Wait for cat to die before deciding to have a baby. Ok.

I think you should have the cat pts. It's not going to be rehomed at its age, it's not reasonable to pass your problem to your elderly relative. There is a real risk it's going to injure your young child. If this was a dog, they'd be no question. A cat bite or deep scratches on a toddler can cause to scaring and a bite can become infected and require antibiotics. Your home should be a safe and comfortable place for your family, your child needs to come first.

Well, I think you know where you are with this one really.

It sounds hard. But what are you going to do if your DP says no, no way?

YABVU

The cat hasn't got long left, that's one. She'd die in a shelter.

The cat was there first. You knew what she was like. You brought a baby to the mix and made all your lives miserable, including the cat. You don't get to dump an 18yo cat just because she doesn't fit the lifestyle you imposed on her.

I have a loving cat and a bitchy cat. DC knows not to approach the bitchy cat and doesn't. You are also BU not waiting it out to teach your child properly and just getting on with temporary measures keeping them separate.

Somebody comparing it to a dog is totally unreasonable, a cat is a completely different and not comparable scenario, they act and react differently and the risks are completely different too.

There’s absolutely no way on earth I would rehome an 18 yo cat, it’s totally awful. If I was you oh, no way I would agree to this!

Tge cat has very little time left, keep them apart and get some feliway plug ins.

You knew what the cat was like before you had your baby. No need to put off having a child but put things in place.

It's not entirely a ridiculous suggestion...you say yourself this cat has always been aggressive and presumably you could have predicted that a small moving toddler and the cat would clash. At the very least you should have considered the possibility of issues and perhaps looked at sourcing a suitable home for the cat earlier whilst pregnant/trying rather than waiting for a situation like you are in.

''Medication has never changed her temperament, she has always been a nasty cat rather than being nasty because of being in pain.''

It's abundantly clear that you really don't like this cat.
While I would normally be strongly against rehoming an 18 year old cat, in this instance I think it would be better for the cat.

Exactly this! I had/have the rattiest cat ever but my baby/toddler was never allowed to go near her, for both their sakes!

I also have a dog that was given away to me as the girl had had a baby and ‘didn’t have time’ and that poor dog when he came was totally bewildered about where he found himself - away from his family and all he’d known and he was only 2. He’s 14 now and obviously completely adapted but that won’t be the case for an 18 year old cat.

I really hope your OH says no op, how sad.