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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How much sympathy would you have for a colleague in this situation?

281 replies

Bloopbloopbleep · 20/01/2026 07:01

Colleague returned from maternity leave around a year ago.
Sleep deprivation still an issue and regularly at work having not slept. No SEN, just a kid who doesn't like to sleep.
Doing a fair job but not as good as pre-mat leave. More forgetful and less energetic but no major balls have been dropped yet.
If you were a colleague of this person, how much sympathy would you have and how much would they just annoy you?

OP posts:
Allaboutthecats · 20/01/2026 07:02

Depends if it impacted on me directly

Untailored · 20/01/2026 07:03

I would get annoyed and then have a word with myself about how difficult sleep deprivation is so take a deep breath and breath and smile.

Unless job performance became a proper issue that needed HR but that’s a separate thing really.

Egglio · 20/01/2026 07:03

I would have lots of sympathy and I would support them in any way I could because I remember what it was like, and mine was a terrible sleeper.

AmberSpy · 20/01/2026 07:04

Unless this colleague was one of my direct reports I would think it none of my business.

LaundryScales · 20/01/2026 07:05

I have had numerous colleagues like that over the years. My company are quite sensitive to the fact that the return from
mat leave is hard and a period of adjustment is necessary.

Generally everyone is supportive, and the employee will return to their former standards eventually, with additional loyalty to the company for bearing with them.

Sartre · 20/01/2026 07:07

Lots of people have kids and return to work on no sleep, some people also have health conditions that affect sleep. You kind of have to learn to deal with it and load up on caffeine really. Think of people in positions where they actually need to be on the ball or people might die, nurses and doctors for example- some of them will also have kids keeping them up.

SalmonOnFinnCrisp · 20/01/2026 07:07

As someone in this boat myself.

I expect zero sympathy per se.
People dont care they just want the job done.

I dont even discuss it or draw attention to it.

Its so f-ing hard though.

lovemelongtime · 20/01/2026 07:08

No sympathy really if this was ongoing. They're paid to do a job and if performance is sub standard and it's impacting the wider team it needs to be addressed.

Dancingspleen1 · 20/01/2026 07:08

As someone that struggled with sleep deprivation for years I would have alot of empathy for them and would make an effort to check in and ask how they are now and again. However I know alot of people would not take this attitude as they cannot comprehend what other people lives are like outside their own sphere of experience. You said they're muddling along and no important balls have been dropped and as the sleep deprivation is related to a young baby hopefully it will be a temporary situation. Does it annoy you or are you the person in question?

Redcandlescandal · 20/01/2026 07:09

I wouldn’t be particularly interested unless they messed up on something that directly affected me.

dunroamingfornow · 20/01/2026 07:10

Huge sympathy. Unless you have had a child who did not sleep it’s impossible to explain what it feels like. Creeping dread as bedtime approaches and you know there’s no possible chance of sleep. Running on fumes, permanently exhausted whilst fiercely loving this little being who just cannot sleep through the night. It nearly finished me off. Supportive work colleagues saved my life, literally

Morph22010 · 20/01/2026 07:10

You can’t say there is no Sen is the kid is that young, a lot of kids aren’t diagnosed with autism until they get to school age and autism effects sleep big time. Not saying child is autistic but just that you can’t assume no Sen

ThejoyofNC · 20/01/2026 07:10

Depends, is she constantly moaning about it?

cadburyegg · 20/01/2026 07:12

Loads of sympathy. It wouldn’t annoy me. No one can give 100% all of the time

PollyBell · 20/01/2026 07:12

Are thet able to do theit job? Yes! then it is none of my business, No! And it means I have to do their work for them then yes I would be gping to management, I know on mn women should just be paid for showing up when they feel like it but in the real world if it is an actual problem then it is a problem

HelplessSoul · 20/01/2026 07:13

Zero sympathy.

They're paid to do a job - whether I'm affected or not is another issue, but no sympathy at all.

KvotheTheBloodless · 20/01/2026 07:14

Egglio · 20/01/2026 07:03

I would have lots of sympathy and I would support them in any way I could because I remember what it was like, and mine was a terrible sleeper.

This. It is awful being permanently sleep-deprived, and if you've only ever experienced a 'normal' baby you cannot imagine how terrible it is.

I'd do anything I could to support her.

WhatNoRaisins · 20/01/2026 07:15

Realistically I would start out very sympathetic as sleep deprivation is hellish. I am only human and if I was left picking up after them in the longer term I most likely would be battling feelings of frustration as well.

Catsandcwtches · 20/01/2026 07:15

Morph22010 · 20/01/2026 07:10

You can’t say there is no Sen is the kid is that young, a lot of kids aren’t diagnosed with autism until they get to school age and autism effects sleep big time. Not saying child is autistic but just that you can’t assume no Sen

Second this, SEN kids are often bad sleepers. My son wasn’t diagnosed till he got to school and it took him that long to sleep through the night too.

Sparklesandspandexgallore · 20/01/2026 07:15

Having been that person, I would feel immense sympathy.
Sleep deprecation is a form of torture. Unless you have been unlucky enough to have to endure it, you will never know just how soul destroying it is.

Sparklesandspandexgallore · 20/01/2026 07:17

Agree with the not knowing about SEN too. Turns out my adult dd has adhd. She didn’t sleep. She wasn’t diagnosed with adhd until adulthood.

Owly11 · 20/01/2026 07:17

I wouldn't really see it in terms of sympathy. Work isn't really about the personal, it is more functional so i would see it in terms of performance. If they were my direct report i would therefore be proactive in supporting and managing. If they were my manager i would just have to put up with it and if they were a colleague it would be none of my business but I would be annoyed if they were making mistakes that impacted me or complaining all the time or making excuses. I definitely wouldn't like it if the colleague expected everyone around them to be constantly sympathetic and making accommodations for them.

MindYourUsage · 20/01/2026 07:18

It would depend if I had known them to show sympathy for other people in difficult situations.

It would depend if they were generally a nice person.

It would depend if it was affecting my pay or the hours I have to work (gross, but true 🤷🏼‍♀️)

Notmycircusnotmyotter · 20/01/2026 07:18

If it was one of my direct reports, I would support them as much as I could. If they were in a different team, I would be a little annoyed that they weren't being better supported. I would want them to be honest though and open to support.

HelpMeGetThrough · 20/01/2026 07:19

AmberSpy · 20/01/2026 07:04

Unless this colleague was one of my direct reports I would think it none of my business.

Same. Colleagues I work with don’t report to me, so their issues aren’t my issues and have nothing to do with me, so I wouldn’t be getting involved in any way at all. There is enough to do at work as it is.

They have a line manager to go to if they have a problem.