How much sympathy would you have for a colleague in this situation?

[Bloopbloopbleep]

Colleague returned from maternity leave around a year ago.
Sleep deprivation still an issue and regularly at work having not slept. No SEN, just a kid who doesn't like to sleep.
Doing a fair job but not as good as pre-mat leave. More forgetful and less energetic but no major balls have been dropped yet.
If you were a colleague of this person, how much sympathy would you have and how much would they just annoy you?

i would have sympathy
its difficult

Yep!

I have a ‘big corporate job’ where I’m just expected to get on with it.

I think I’m hiding it well and don’t ask for any support from work but the sleep issue really is a killer.

You can’t say no SEN when the kid is barely 2 years old. Anecdotally a lot of the kids I know that slept this badly ended up later being diagnosed with ADHD but the minimum age for that diagnosis is typically 6 years old. Yes I’d have sympathy, it would be pretty hard not to. I’d still expect the job to get done though but no big deal if she’s less ‘energetic than mat leave’ so long as the important stuff happens.

Does she have a partner? Does that partner get a decent night's sleep? Because if the latter, that would definitely annoy me on her behalf

Sympathy yes as I know what it’s like and the return to work is hard. But after a year my tolerance would be getting a little low if it was affecting their and my work, as someone who is constantly tired with two young DCs , one with suspected ASD and a toddler as well as having ASD and ADHD myself and all the tiredness that comes with that. My point is that lots of people will sympathise but many are likely going through things themselves so won’t have much tolerance of it’s affecting work.

What outcome would anyone complaining be looking for? Because there’s no magic wand that will make the baby sleep. So either they are wanting the colleague to be dismissed or they want management to spread the load, or employ additional staff. I can’t see that there are other options. This isn’t a case where warnings or extra coaching will help.

Loads of sympathy, I've been there and it's horrible.

Interesting responses, thank you.

To answer a few questions, I am the colleague.
I dont moan or bring it up, but I look so terrible that people do ask. People ask about it because when I first returned from maternity leave, people ask the typical questions about the baby and it came up.

I also work in a field related to child development and early childhood services, so colleagues have a background in this area.

My work doesn't impact anybody else and nobody can pick up my work. I used to have an insanely quick turnaround rate (people often remarked) and now im closer to average. The worst thing anybody has ever had to do is ask me for something twice. Im less proactive and am not going above and beyond anymore but im more than doing my job. Job is not a critical role and I a middle earner.

I honestly do not think my kid has SEN based on presentation - just a poor sleeper. Genuinely curious as to whether people will be annoyed at me being less perky and ostensibly different post mat leave, even a year on

I would be ensuring the colleague was aware of and taking advantage of any employee wellbeing assistance that the company offered.
I would also be making sure i was being super clear about clarity of expectations (and how measured) and giving timely specific and constructive feedback.

Humans are not machines. Regardless of the reason (and mine was a terrible sleeper until about 4, so I remember it well), nobody works at 100% all the time. I would show understanding, as we all should to others struggling with life.
I would think very poorly of someone complaining in that scenario though.

If mistakes are being made and I was the person expected to fix them or pick up additional work I would probably be a little frustrated.

However, having had 2 children who were against sleeping, I'd also have some sympathy because sleep deprivation is a form of torture. It's not just being a bit tired, it's a fog of exhaustion that you just can't grasp of you haven't been there.

I'd support and help her. She will improve, give her a break. As you say, no balls have been dropped so far.

I’d have loads of sympathy, and my children were brilliant sleepers.

what’s the solution? To me not having sympathy would be someone doing something really out there and risky and deliberately choosing to do something unnecessary that’s going to impact work. Having children is a natural part of life!

Do colleagues take that much notice to see you are not as “perky”? I don’t think I’d notice, most of us are just at work because we have to be.

I think the only relevance for them having SEN is that it may go on for longer.

I'd sympathise because dd2 didn't sleep more than 2 hours a shot until she was 20 months. Yes I tried all methods you want to mention. None worked.
It is just as tiring to deal with that if they have sen as not. You don't even sleep well while they're sleeping as you are on edge for them waking up.

I'd have more sympathy if they were on their own as my salvation was dh taking her out for a number of hours every Saturday just to give me a few hours uninterrupted sleep.

Personally I would have a lot of sympathy if it was something out of their control, and they were doing all they could to rectify the situation.

Poor you OP. I have been that person too, it was hellish. It had such a huge impact on your lives and we tried everything- all the methods, all the gadgets. Some kids are just not good sleepers.

If it’s not impacting others’ work then they have no right to an opinion about it. Most people are sympathetic and kind people inherently, but you’ll always get the moaning Minnies that like to have opinions and complain.

sorry but “no SEN” is a really ignorant thing to say. If she’s just returned from mat leave, the kid is what, one? Almost no children with SEND have a firm diagnosis at 1 and lots don’t even have vastly different behaviours from their peers at 1. Apart from the sleep, usually.

I am not saying her child has SEN, my point is that you have absolutely no idea so why on earth are you bringing that into it.

Just to add - even when ive been up for 50 hours without more than 1/2 hours sleep, I go in with freshly washed hair, makeup and swimming in caffeine. I make an effort but I just look an absolute fright somehow because people usually gasp and ask if I am unwell or if my toddler just hasnt slept 🤣

I would be really sympathetic and understanding, and know that things will get better.

Are you full time? Just wondering as reducing your hours (if possible) could help.

This. I am in peri and my sleep is shocking at the moment - I am barely getting 2-3 hours a night. There are lots of situations where people's sleep is affected through no fault of their own and its not always to do with kids.

I am not entirely unsympathetic as I have three kids myself but at the end of the day its our responsibility to ensure we are still functioning at work and its not fair on others to be taking up the slack 🤷‍♀️

I think it’s all very standard when a person has a new baby. I would happily help in a practical way but wouldn’t like how badly you slept to be a daily topic of conversation.

I’d gently enquire / suggest about sleep training methods they / she had tried

Id sympathise too
If it impacted others then suggest line manager / HR offer support

So your child is now 2 or close to 2? Or did you go back early?

Unpopular on MN, but if at 2, they aren't sleeping, maybe time for sleep training, as 30 minutes in 2 days is either an exaggeration or not sustainable. I had a CMPA intolerant one who only slept in 20 minute blocks and went back to work full time at 4 months because it was so awful, so I am not unsympathetic, it was brutally exhausting. However, I do think a year in, I would expect anyone to be fully performing. I would have been very understanding the first couple of months, where you are adjusting, after that, less so.

To add: what I really do not care about is what people look like, hair, make you etc. None of that impacts your ability to do the job. Skip that part, get more sleep.