How much sympathy would you have for a colleague in this situation?

[Bloopbloopbleep]

Colleague returned from maternity leave around a year ago.
Sleep deprivation still an issue and regularly at work having not slept. No SEN, just a kid who doesn't like to sleep.
Doing a fair job but not as good as pre-mat leave. More forgetful and less energetic but no major balls have been dropped yet.
If you were a colleague of this person, how much sympathy would you have and how much would they just annoy you?

Empathy costs you nothing but gives back tonnes.

If you are a parent you know what it's like to be sleep deprived. In a world full of shit, choose to be kind.

Dear @Bloopbloopbleep
i managed hundreds of people when I was working and we always tried to cut people with toddlers some slack as the parent would usually return to prep baby energy levels but also usually have even more drive, efficiency once the toddler started sleeping a bit better.

Good luck all you can do is your best x

Plus OP- once you’ve been in your profession or organisation a long time they’re not paying you for hourly output do much as expertise. It’s the Pareto curve thing- if 80% of the time you dial it in you’re still worth it to your colleagues and organisation if in the 20% the shit hits the fan you’re there to advise and catch the dropped balls.

Every empathy and would support them best i could. Even small gestures - make them a cuppa, bring in a snack or treat, offer to take baby out in the pram on our NWD so they can get a kip. People need support. We need to develop a supportive culture and community. Some of the comments here are so cold and heartless. And if a ball is dropped, whats the big consequence?

The above is all based on the colleague generally being reliable, accountable and honest .... and not taking the pss. Someone taking the pss shoukd not be supported and management need to manage that.

Im so sorry you experience this too - sleep deprivation is sleep deprivation, and it is torture.

I hope I would be very sympathetic, though it is difficult to predict how I would feel if it significantly impacted my own workload. I think if I could see that someone was genuinely struggling I would try to be supportive. If, however, I though someone was taking excessive liberties and unfair advantage, I think I would have a word with the person.

A lot. I'd have a lot of sympathy with her.

Depending on the context, you may or may not have the band-width to absorb what your colleague is not, at the moment, able to deliver.

But, it could be you (or, if not you, then someone else near and dear to you) in her situation. And in that context you'd hope for a modicum of understanding and some flexibility.

This was me!!! Tried a sleep consultant, read up lots but my son would not sleep. I'm sure my colleagues thought it was a bit ridiculous too - I was completely broken. Found out when he turned 3 that he actually had sleep apnea!!!

It's true in most roles.

I agree. I would only care if it impacted my work and I had to pick up a colleague's work on top of my own. That doesn't seem to be the case here.

My first reaction was if OP was in a critical job with a need to focus being needed, in which case there can be no giving for not being on the ball.

In an office, as long as it's not directly impacting colleagues and creating extra work, then this is different.

Personally, i would want to help you as much as I could, it's kindness and support, which you need in times like this OP.

Meanwhile, could you reduce your hours for your own MH then go back FT later? Xxx

This. Just don’t get embroiled.

I'd be sympathetic, why not? Yes, everyone can have something going on (illness, caring for elderly parents etc), so I'm not saying only new parents matter, but they do matter. If she's doing her best, I respect her for managing work and a baby. I found it hard and mine weren't particularly bad sleepers. If possible, I would look to support with things like coming in at different times/flexibility, but obviously that depends on the job.
I've often done more work for colleagues going through things, and when I suffered a loss myself, colleagues supported me.

Just to play devils advocate here. It’s not just parents who may be tired from broken/no sleep. Some may be caring for an elderly parent or disabled sibling, have insomnia or suffer with a medical issue that affects sleep. If you give leeway to a new mum don’t they deserve it too? At what point does it begin to affect the business? Businesses aren’t a charity and you have to be able to perform your job as your role requires. I’m not without sympathy but how would potentially underperforming on your job affect the business and your colleagues.

edit to add: not aimed at you directly. I know you haven’t asked for allowances but some will and it could be a sloppy slope and open to people taking the oiss.
also it'll get easier so hang on in there

Your colleagues are not your carers, if you can't do your job get another job or renegotiate your terms. Stop trying to couch harming those around you in softly softly terms.

If you are doing your job and not adversely affecting those around you this thread is not required

Why on earth should you coast along on sympathy? Sympathy has nothing at all to do with people being fairly treated at work and doing their job.

"Would you feel sorry for me so you'd keep putting up with being unfairly treated because I can't do my job/' seems to be the appallingly selfish question behind this thread.

I would have no problem discussing your behaviours with a line manager if they were adversely affecting me and would absolutely expect the same from others if I started causing them grief at work. If you weren't directly affecting me and if was not your manager I wouldn't involve myself in your issues.

Everyone has their challenges, life is full of them. If you can't manage at work, figure it out.

Returning to work in a month with a bad sleeper, definitely not looking forward to the sleep deprived days at work.
I hope things settle for you soon, stay strong. Everyone tells me it will get better, so I am also staying positive!

My performance has never been the same since i had children. First you have the sleep deprivation issue, but then you have the general tiredness and stress of trying to sort out daily life etc. in my role what I am missing the most is time. I just lack the time to finish the work in have to do when I need to leave for pickup.

But even if I know how you feel, I don't know if I would feel "sympathetic" or not. There are plenty of reasons why people might see their performance drop at work, so I don't think I would have more sympathy than for anyone else. And usually i stay out of people's business.
As long as the job is done it's fine IMO. No one should be expected to overperform.

As a manager, I pay more attention about my direct reports wellbeing. So my concern would be about them feeling supported whatever the circumstances, and whether any adjustments can be made (we are very flexible as an organisation).

I’d be sympathetic as DS2 was a terrible sleeper and I remember when I went back to work full time, I was still up with him 2-3 times a night. He is 21 now, such a lovely boy and was the easiest of my 3 by far. I am still in the lack of sleep boat though as when DD was 2, I developed a very painful health condition so often awake in pain. A major surgery helped that, but now in peri menopausal and my sleep is worse than ever! I guess i’m destined not to sleep.

I get less sleep now probably than when I had a young baby, but I don’t feel as bad for it. Maybe as my youngest is almost 18 and less pressure day to day parenting as that exhausts you too. Especially when you’re a single parent, I was too from when my youngest was 2. All I want in life is 8hrs sleep!!

Not enough info to say. Im generally a supportive person and return from mat leave is hard for many reasons, but i also believe you need to be fit for work if youre at work as everyone has shit going on. So if i was having to pick up the slack on top of my own work or if the person wanted different treatment in the longer term, then im human and it would start to grate.

Agree. So many people getting involved in colleague's life

Is this to say that parents with young children shouldn't work? Why are you picking on her? Looks like you have no life, because people with a life have more things to be worried about. Get yourself a hobby

How patronising, it's not a competition!

2 hours sleep is still 2 hours sleep, whether it's because of kids, medical condition or insomnia.

Yep and my DH goes out like a light. He rolls over and that him whilst my brain just lights up. I do have ADHD so it ensigns it to a degree and I’m 46 so I think it’s probably hormonal too. It’s just soul destroying that I’m exhausted and my body won’t sleep!

@Bloopbloopbleep

Nothing can prepare you for what it’ll be like. So don’t hold yourself up again pre mat leave you’s plans and expectations!

You’re doing your best and still doing a good enough job, even if it’s not as good as before. Of course it won’t be as good as before, at the moment anyway, this is just not a realistic expectation to have.

Just focus on getting more sleep when/however you can, don’t waste any energy on worrying about what others think, sounds like they understand and wish they could help….

Good luck!

Probably annoy me, once I had my fourth who was a complete nightmare for sleep, I had to jack work in altogether

But I understand its not so easy for everyone

I'd have sympathy and would help out work wise if I could add if it was appropriate.

I have mainly worked for small close knit organisations with where we all have each others back though.

I also have an autistic DC - I was awake until 3am this morning. I have a lot of sympathy for sleep deprivation.