People who don’t ask questions

[Bluedoor11]

We currently have family staying over. DH’s sister and brother in law plus three kids. We haven’t seen them in 10 years (they live abroad) so we were looking forward to it. All going very well, kids lovely, guests thoughtful (offered to cook and shop, clean, etc), but they just don’t ask ANY questions. We’ve asked about their lives, jobs, kids schools, friends, etc etc etc, but they just don’t reciprocate. Even when we just tell them about our lives - without being asked - they just stare and don’t ask follow up questions.

I don’t think it’s because they don’t care. Prob that they never learned to ask questions? We know other people that are exactly the same. I must admit, it drives me crazy! Why don’t people ask questions? It can really come across as lack of interest / not caring…

See, to me that just reads like such a weird way to have a conversation 🙈

Really? Genuinely interested, what’s weird about it (other than I’ve just quickly made it up and it’s not going to win any literary awards!)

I disagree

Not weird at all

That's the kind of conversation I'd expect. Obviously exceptions like if friend A had something massive to share and had asked if B wanted to talk about it. I think some conversations being more about one person is fine as long as their is balance when the other has something massive rather than one always being the offloading one.

Yes agreed. If person B’s shit work week had involved her being summoned to HR the conversation might have focused on that for a while, or if person A’s date had been particularly odd or dramatic they may have stayed on that subject. But even if they’d stayed on one person’s topic there still would have been active listening/prompting/questions from the other.

So you don't think questions, or prompts, are what continues a conversation? and you would never ask a question when you meet someone, you would just immediately start talking about yourself.

I'd be interested to know what your version of a 'conversation' looks like, because what you describe makes it sound like you all just talk turns to talk about yourselves?

This is a textbook conversation style IMO, where you are both giving each other space to talk about whatever you want to talk about. For instance:

Person B -Hi! So good to see you. I’m fine, bit knackered, have had a shit week at work.

Person A - Oh no! What’s been going on?

If person A had kept silent at that point and was disengaged, it would make person B think that they may not be interested in hearing about your shit week at work and they may feel self conscious continuing to talk about it something the other person is obviously not interested in hearing about.

If person A had started talking about themselves after being told their friend had a shit week at work, then sorry but you are a bad friend.

I'm interested to know how you would have responded to Person B in that scenario @jamandcustard ?

I’ve noticed a few threads here recently by people I’d probably describe as introverts or just lacking in social skills getting annoyed about people asking them questions, phoning or visiting them without prior arrangement or (shock horror) talking and being positive in meetings.

I agree with your OP and to be honest, if people feel that way, there’s really not much can be done to help them - they seem to think they are the “normal” ones here. They are also destined to be grumpy forever 🤷🏻‍♀️

I think I agree with this. If I was the person B I think I'd learn not to share much with person A because they aren't interested and what's the point in sharing stuff with a person that behaves like they aren't interested? Maybe I wouldn't write B off as a bad person but it would change how I behaved around them.

I'm in agreement with Jam's comments here.

As person A i would say "Ahh mate thats shite" and if B wanted to expand, they could, and if they didn't - they dont have to because I havent asked.

The incorrect assumption is that people who dont ask many questions are automatically going to talk about themselves instead, which isnt the case.

I would have responded and given them room to talk if they wanted to, it’s just the whole “oh no!” bit that sounds really insincere to me 🙈

As I said, I just made up a conversation on the spot, and didn’t claim it was a great work of literature. It may well not read exactly like real life.

But in real life I would definitely express some kind of dismay if a friend told me they were having a bad time, even if not in those exact words. And I would ask what had happened. If they didn’t want to go into it they’d just say “oh god not worth talking about, tell me about your date” or whatever. But if they DID want to talk about it they’d at least know I am interested and supportive..

And that’s fine - life would be incredibly boring if everyone thought and felt the same.

Where did I say I would just “immediately talk about myself”?

I would talk about something like the location, the persons dog, their outfit, the weather - but instead of asking a question I would just make a generic remark and the conversation would flow from there.

As I’ve said multiple times though I am diagnosed autistic and my way of bonding with people is via shared anecdotes and stories, not through questions.

See I just don’t see why someone has to ask a question in order to prove that they’re interested - you can show that in other ways - empathising or saying “god, tell me about it”.

So it’s more like a series of statements back and forth between two people? Not criticising, just trying to understand.

Person A - it’s a hot day.

Person B - I agree.

Person A - I like your dog.

Person B - Thank you. I watched Eastenders last night.

Person A - I watched an interesting documentary about politics.

So if it was an actual friend, I'd ask whats going on.

But if it's a colleague at the coffee area I'd say someting more like "Oh that sucks. Is it just the normal work shit, or is something going on?"

That gives them a natural opportunity to go into more detail, or to gloss over the details and change the subject. Whereas with "What's going on?" you either answer or rebuff the question.

As person A i would say "Ahh mate thats shite" and if B wanted to expand, they could, and if they didn't - they dont have to because I havent asked.

This is exactly what the thread is about though.. because you haven't asked, just made a statement, person B is left with a choice of pushing on regardless with their worries, your statement doesn't show that you want to hear more, or do they stop talking because you haven't asked anything and obviously aren't that interested in a 'conversation' about it.

As person B I may push on, but if you gave another generic reply, instead of showing an interest I'd sack it off as a bad job because you obviously don't want to hear about it.

A question at that point lets them know you are engaged and interested in what they are telling you, so they don't have to think internally about whether to continue, they know they can and you are happy to listen.

No.

I would start with a statement or remark and then the conversation would just naturally move on from there. So I’d maybe say something like:

”ooh, your dog is gorgeous - I love his/her colouring”
and they’d say “thank you! He’s actually a Labrador but most people don't realise as he’s quite small”
and I’d respond with “ah I thought he might be, he looks a bit like a dog I know with similar markings” and it would go from there.

Ah I get it.

Person A - it’s a hot day.

Person B - Oh yeah I know! I'm WFH and my office is totally melting. It's about the one time in the year I actually miss the office!

Person A - Yeah I know exactly what you mean. I wanted to get air-conditioned but my partner is all like "it's really bad for the environment, can't you use a fan?"

Person B - "Ugh I hate that. I mean, he is right, but still...I want my nice cold air-conditioning!"

A &B laugh...

Person A - hey - how is your dog in the heat? My mum had a breed like yours and in the heat he just melted, used to hide in the shadow of the house...

Person B - really? It doesn't seem to bother mine at all.

Person A - huh.

Person B - but what does bother him is fireworks. Last November...

And so on. Yes the odd question, but always with a lot of context connecting it to why that question

Ah yes but I’d also consider that a normal conversation. It isn’t a conversation with NO questions at all.

It is however more of a surface level chit-chat, the kind you might have with a colleague or your hairdresser. With friends and family I’d expect to talk more about things that matter in their lives.

Youre working under the assumption that all friendships/relationships function in the same way that yours do.

My person B knows fine well that she can choose to expand without the need to "push on" regardless and without the need for prompting because I dont have to invite her to elaborate - that part is implicit because we're friends.

Exactly! I think if you need to be prompted to talk about something then you’re probably not that close to begin with and so (to me) it doesn’t really matter so much if the conversation dies off a bit.

My friends know they can always talk to me about something without needing a prompt first.