People who don’t ask questions

[Bluedoor11]

We currently have family staying over. DH’s sister and brother in law plus three kids. We haven’t seen them in 10 years (they live abroad) so we were looking forward to it. All going very well, kids lovely, guests thoughtful (offered to cook and shop, clean, etc), but they just don’t ask ANY questions. We’ve asked about their lives, jobs, kids schools, friends, etc etc etc, but they just don’t reciprocate. Even when we just tell them about our lives - without being asked - they just stare and don’t ask follow up questions.

I don’t think it’s because they don’t care. Prob that they never learned to ask questions? We know other people that are exactly the same. I must admit, it drives me crazy! Why don’t people ask questions? It can really come across as lack of interest / not caring…

Yes - that's my thinking too. I'm also not English (but am from the UK - am Scottish).

Exactly. I’m only half English!

I'm sure loads of people on the thread who ask questions are English. Myself included.

But the question kicks off the conversation. How do you initiate a conversation without a question to the other person?

But what's important that's been glided over? To me it just sounds like two colleagues or friends/acquaintances that have bumped into each other and are exchanging news. It's not the time for greater depth. It's the headlines in this situation. It might lead to more depending on the relationship. What would you do differently here?

Taking that A B conversation at face value I read it as the work situation is one that's both ongoing and unchanging. The person wanted to refer to it maybe to explain the "long face" to the other person but they also didn't to dwell too much on it so they asked the question about the other person's date to move the conversation on to something else.

We had a lovely dinner with friends last night conversation flowed. But when there was a pause usually someone said “did you read that book in the end?” Or something to prompt more conversation .

Agree, especially when say you are at a works event and get seated for a meal with someone you don't know. One of you has to start the conversation, now if one person sits down all of a flutter and says - Jesus just got locked in my hotel bathroom and nearly didn't make it - that is your starter for ten but if you sit down and just say hello then one person has to do the "which office are you based at" or, "how was the journey up, are you staying over, what's the hotel like as when I last stayed there it was fab/rubbish etc". Well suppose you don't, you can sit in silence.

My two penneth on the people who struggle because of neuro diversity - it wouldn't bother me if someone said sorry I cannot do small talk because of my amazing nd brain so I am not being rude - and we would find a way through. But obviously appreciate not every one would want to say that.

You’ve had this answered multiple times on this thread - you know exactly what people would do, you just don’t “get it”.

No. I simply don’t believe how you can have a proper two way conversation without either party ever asking a question of the other. I am a sociable 50 year old and have never witnessed this.

It’s not rude to ask questions at all. It’s about showing an interest, not interrogating!
OP, YANBU at all.

For such a brilliant conversationalist, you sure don't seem capable to listening to the many, many replies you've got on this topic.

It’s okay. You don’t need to believe it or “get it”.

For someone who claims to be so social, you seem to have a very limited experience of how humans communicate.

Hardly. Just so weird. The only people I’ve met who never ask a question are the worst sort of self obsessed bores who monologue about themselves are asked a question by their unfortunate companion then they pick up their monologue about themselves again. Nightmare. I don’t voluntarily interact with anyone like this thankfully.

Well, you sound delightful and not at all judgemental yourself, so I’m sure they must be heartbroken to be missing out on a scintillating chat with you 🙄

I have lots of friends old and new and a profession where I deal with people so I’m not doing too badly thanks. My approach of actually showing an interest in other people has worked out very well for me.

Lol. Thea is the true MN keyboard warrior. Always the life and soul.;)

Seriously, if you get out of your circle and meet some other people from different cultures, you'll find a whole range of conversational styles and that different topics either are or aren't talked about by people from X and Y. Your interested question could cause grave offence, or, more likely, raised eyebrows and a little perplexity.:)

Did you want a medal? A pat on the back?

Again, you don’t need to ask questions to show an interest in people. I would expect someone in their 50’s to have a slightly broader view of the world than you apparently have 🤷‍♀️

She’s definitely made a name for herself over the years, I’ll give her that.

Really?! Why am I a keyboard warrior? Some very odd types on this thread!

Some people are rude on the keyboard as well as in person, it seems!

So a colleague/person you’re sitting next to at something returns, flustered (in pp’s scenario) and says “Gosh, I just got locked inside the loo!” What is the reply? Do some of you posters say nothing? Or do you chime in with your anecdote about the time you yourself were trapped in a cubicle?

Dsis does this. Eg I said the other day, “I’m waiting for the plumber.” She didn’t ask why, but launched into her own long leak issue.

It doesn’t matter how you dress it up or excuse it, it makes the other person feel unimportant and that you don’t give a rat’s arse about them.

I hear what you're saying. I don't feel I owe people an explanation on why I don't have kids, but it's true that people can also feel uncomfortable baldly changing the subject. Personally I'm happy for them to do so, but they can't know that, so I don't mind oiling the wheels a little if necessary by saying (truthfully) that the clock just never started ticking for me and I'm fine with that. It also spares me any unnecessary pity. I do find it slightly irritating that people without children are subjected to curiosity on the topic, though - no one ever asks anyone why they do have children!

I disagree that it's hard to make conversation without children (either one's own or other people's) being the focus, though. Most people have hobbies/interests/views outside their role as parents, admittedly it's not always possible to find a lot of common ground, but there's usually enough to chat about other things as well as/instead of children for a while. (If all else fails, there's always the weather. 😄) I'm interested in how my friends' offspring are doing, so I do ask, but I'm more interested in catching up with what my friends themselves have been up to. Naturally the picture is different now that all my friends are middle-aged like myself, though, and no longer in the thick of bringing up their kids.

I actually wouldn't ask someone if they had kids. It can be a bit of a personal question and worse I think it's a question that can sometimes feel a bit like being asked "are you one of us?".

If someone mentioned kids however I might then ask how many or how old are they?

Yeah, I don't ask either, for that reason.

I would never ask someone if they have children. People generally volunteer something along the lines of indicating this, eg “Hugo’s football coach said…” or “We’re in full GCSE trauma…”

Likewise asking someone if they are married/have a partner, what job they do etc, but follow-ups that are not intrusive are fine I think. Well, anything oiling the wheels of interaction. I met someone just casually last week who had a very interesting job. I did lob quite a few questions at them because I was fascinated! They didn’t seem to mind and were very animated. (But according to some on here I was a veritable psycho for speaking at all…)