People who don’t ask questions

[Bluedoor11]

We currently have family staying over. DH’s sister and brother in law plus three kids. We haven’t seen them in 10 years (they live abroad) so we were looking forward to it. All going very well, kids lovely, guests thoughtful (offered to cook and shop, clean, etc), but they just don’t ask ANY questions. We’ve asked about their lives, jobs, kids schools, friends, etc etc etc, but they just don’t reciprocate. Even when we just tell them about our lives - without being asked - they just stare and don’t ask follow up questions.

I don’t think it’s because they don’t care. Prob that they never learned to ask questions? We know other people that are exactly the same. I must admit, it drives me crazy! Why don’t people ask questions? It can really come across as lack of interest / not caring…

You've had it explained to you multiple times.

If you still can't understand it, then I'm not sure what else there is to say.

Yes, I'm sure it is. I have not called people rude, but I have said that unfortunately for them people will think they are. That's one of the real downsides of some people's conditions and I can understand how that would be frustrating.

And it shows that people aren't willing to be understanding (not you specifically, the more general you) - they write anyone who is different off as "rude" or "weird" without trying to understand that there might be a genuine reason or cause for their behaviour.

We've been accused of "broadcasting", "banging on about ourselves" and all sorts of other untruths.

Now I'm not for one minute saying that rude people don't exist - of course they do - but it's pretty fucking tiring to be constantly lumped in amongst them through no fault of your own, and then when you try to explain, you're still told you're weird, or odd, or that you can't possibly hold a conversation because you don't conform to their way of doing things.

I'll come back to this and answer properly later on....

I just don’t see how you can have a two way interaction with anyone without asking them anything. Not possible

Not of your own family. What kind if conversations are you having if you don’t ask any questions? It just comes across as rude and disinterested.

Yes, so you keep saying 🥱

It's not the lack of permission that's the issue. It's the fact that you lack confidence that the other person will be able to hold up their end of the deal as it were; that they'll be able to provide the structure and level of engagement required for the conversation to be viable because it's a two sided endeavour, to use a fancy word. They need to be able to respond to your social cues by asking questions and making comments in the right places without killing the topic dead or diverting it so that everything becomes about them, and so that you both get breaks from speaking and listening in the right places to ensure nobody's at risk of running out of steam or zoning out. If you're going to talk about anything at length anyway.

Say for example, I'd just been on the holiday of a lifetime - tried new foods, visited relatives I hadn't seen for decades, seen scenery that doesn't compare to anything on this side of the world etc and maybe caught up with old friends that had moved there and met their kids for the first time. I might have a couple of hours worth of material that I'd love to share, and with some of my closest friends, we'd easily get a couple of hours out of it (with me asking them stuff back to keep them engaged too even if the main focus was on me). They'd have many hundreds of questions to ask me and in answering them, things would come up that I'd want to ask them back, about their previous holidays, friends, families etc.

But for the friend that only asks two questions about the trip (eg How was your holiday? Was the weather nice?), how do I talk about the rest of it? If I've answered both questions providing lots of leads to make asking further questions as easy as is humanly possible but she just has nothing else to ask, am I just going to embark on a two hour monologue about all the other things that happened? My ND involves speech issues so I can't physically talk at length anyway, but even if I could, I wouldn't want to. It would feel too much like giving a work/school presentation to me. I just wouldn't get any enjoyment out of sharing information like that.

And so ultimately we'd move on and I'd feel really sad that the opportunity to connect with this friend in the way that I connect with some of my other friends had yet again been lost (this happens on pretty much every topic on every subject). And the next time, maybe I wouldn't even mention I'd been on holiday at all. And she would continue to be sad that we're not closer - she has said as much several times. I try to let her know at every possible opportunity that I respond really well to people who ask a lot but it doesn't make any difference. I don't know if she just can't or she thinks she's already asking a lot but it's painful and frustrating for both of us. I'm 99% sure she's not ND (although I am). If she wasn't always trying to pressurise me into one sided interactions (where I'm forced to come up with many hundreds of questions about her life because she has almost none about mine and that's exhausting for me), I would feel less resentment to be honest. And that's part of why this topic is so emotive for me and other people. We're not necessarily judging others who are happily talking to their own friends and families in ways that work well for them. We're venting about situations in our own lives that cause us pain and stress and that sometimes feel like they could be easily solved with a little extra effort or consideration from the other person.

I hear you, OP - YANBU.

I have a friend like this. She pretty much never asks me questions. Not even innocuous ones like: "How's work going?" "Watching anything good on Netflix lately?" "How was your Christmas?" etc.

If I volunteer information about myself, she listens, yes. But frankly, I find it exhausting to always be doing the heavy lifting in the conversation. I've also realised that due to our differing conversation styles (me asking her questions, and she never asking me questions) most of our conversation is centered around her, and her life, what she's been doing, etc.

The last time we caught up, I decided to 'match her energy' and only ask her a question about herself when she asked me a question about myself.

Let's just say there were a LOT of long, awkward silences!

This is very much like some of my own experiences. Sometimes when I try to change the dynamic in this way by not doing the usual heavy lifting and seeing what happens it produces quite a hostile reaction. Sometimes just confused. It's never changed anything for the better though. Did she seem annoyed or awkward? Did anything change?!

I think if you're not the sort of person that monologues easily then a companion willing to ask questions is just easier. A lot of us can't easily do the "if they want to tell us something they just will" mindset because we will lose our confidence talking without questions or other appropriate feedback.

I doesn't have to be a specific question that gives permission to talk about a specific topic, I think that's a bit of a straw man. How are you doing? What's up with you? general questions are quite open ended.

Agree, changing the dynamics isn't easy. I think sometimes it's hard for people to be compatible.

Omg yes - now I’m definitely a talker. I’m interested in finding out about people. But my first visit to Oz I was blown away by the amount of people, who just started chatting to be and telling me their life stories unprompted 🤣

Mmm, have been in the same situation with in-laws, it's very trying and ultimately kills conversation because things are so one sided . . .

This would annoy the hell out of me. The implication being they are not interested in you or in making bonds with you over shared chat. But some people just don't seem to know how to ask questions. Are they shy? Are they afraid of appearing rude? It's not realistic to expect them to change. Just have to adjust your expectations.
Also that thing of when you offer an experience/anecdote then they offer their closest equivalent experience without any further follow up questions about your experience. So TIRING and I soon lose interest... Do they do that?
Is your DH surprised at all by this from his DS?

It would be interesting to know if she thought “At last, I prefer my meet ups so much better when people don’t talk.” or “What the hell’s wrong with her?”

Asking someone how they are and general questions about their life isn't personal or rude - that is how conversation works.

Haha yes, it can take a bit of getting used to

I had to learn how to do this as an adult.

I have an aunt, who is probably on the spectrum, whose questioning growing up was so inappropriate that I think I subconsciously adopted the idea that questioning is rude. As a late teen/early 20s I only allowed myself to ask the same questions someone had asked me already.

I met up with a friend I hadn’t seen in a few years. We lost touch over the years. We went out for a few drinks. I gave up drinking a good while ago so was just drinking soft drink and was clear headed. I hadn’t realised how much she talked about herself. Anytime I shared something, it was back to talking about herself. It was so incredibly one-sided that I realised it had always been this way.
we didn’t meet up again. I don’t have time for people like this anymore.

Gawd this is me - 100%. I am AuDHD. Usually what happens is the other person will ask me a polite question. Trying to answer will flummox me - I'll be wildly masking, trying to figure out what I'm supposed to say, how much I'm supposed to share (even 'how are you?' is a really loaded question if you don't understand the social rules). I'll be working on trying to make eye contact, trying to answer the question, trying not to say anything so weird as to make the other person feel uncomfortable. Then eventually I'll stop talking - hugely overwhelmed and mind racing. After about 20s I'll remember I'm supposed to ask a polite question too - and I have to go through the whole thing again - trying to figure out what to ask.

Not trying to be rude. Don't like talking about myself either. Just not good at this.

What’s the best way to navigate this?!? So many people neurodivergent so many people not. What’s the easiest way round this ? Btw I’m probably a bit more on the Nerodivverse side but can function ok in other situations

Not sure. It makes me feel awful that people probably think I'm being rude or only interested in myself when in fact am working really hard to try to engage.

Certainly if I am aware that I'm in a conversation where someone else is overwhelmed I'll either try to steer the conversation to the most lightweight questions where even 'yes', 'no' works, or just stand in silence for a while and allow the lulls/pauses to happen. Slowing the rate/flow of conversation makes it easier for me to process and engage so presuming that works for others too.

Interesting - see - I would have thought person A was rude in this conversation (remember I'm not good at this - so aware I might be way off track!!)

If I was person A, I would have asked a follow up Q about the boss and the deadline and would have expected to follow that train of thought for 5-10 mins to give the other person time/space.

That is of course completely different to the scenario I describe above where I've just answered a Q about myself and an on the floor with overwhelm by the end of my last sentence.

This means that if I was person B, I wouldn't have been great at answering the followup question.

The context switching in this conversation would confuse me too. Tired, shit week, boss, deadline, date, chemistry all in the course of 20s. By the time I was being asked about the chemistry my head would be spinning as I'd be concerned about whether my friend is OK as they've opened the conversation saying they are not doing great this week.

People not asking questions are just bores in my opinion. They have no conversation skills. I have an autistic child and we're really working on those skills as they're so important.

I 100% agree with you. This sounds so superficial to me, like people going through the motions of moronic chit-chat and gliding over anything actually important.

I'm not English, though.