People who don’t ask questions

[Bluedoor11]

We currently have family staying over. DH’s sister and brother in law plus three kids. We haven’t seen them in 10 years (they live abroad) so we were looking forward to it. All going very well, kids lovely, guests thoughtful (offered to cook and shop, clean, etc), but they just don’t ask ANY questions. We’ve asked about their lives, jobs, kids schools, friends, etc etc etc, but they just don’t reciprocate. Even when we just tell them about our lives - without being asked - they just stare and don’t ask follow up questions.

I don’t think it’s because they don’t care. Prob that they never learned to ask questions? We know other people that are exactly the same. I must admit, it drives me crazy! Why don’t people ask questions? It can really come across as lack of interest / not caring…

I'd totally chat like that with a friend as well. At other times it might be deeper, but light chitchat isn't just for strangers and aquaintences.

My family considers that the closer you are, the less polite conversation for the sake of it is needed. We might talk for hours but also we might sit for hours and read together.

Crucially, home is where you don't have to make conversation, and bar initial catchups and conversation over meals that applies to houseguests as well.

Also... I'm following your example? So it is whatever scenario you were thinking of with A & B.

I’d have conversations like that with a friend too, but it would be unusual if it was JUST that. It may start that way but at some point it’s normally going to include something more personal, even if that’s just “how was your day?”

Anyway, as I said this conversation DOES include questions so isn’t what was being suggested by some PPs who implied their conversations include no questions at all.

That’s effectively a question

its an agreement.

If it was a question I’d have added a question mark.

Exactly. Also if you don’t ask questions, you may feel relieved you didn’t have to tolerate the answers, but you won’t have made the other person feel very good.

Could you think about it as if you're helping them open up? Helping provide structure so people can go into a little more detail about what they want to talk about? I know people who I suspect think along the same lines ("if they wanted me to know they'd tell me") and those relationships are painful for me because I usually do want them to know about my life but find it impossible to go into detail about anything if there aren't questions to help the conversation along.

See I would have wanted to expand if you hadn't responded with "Ahh mate that's shite". I would interpret that as a lack of interest as you've had the opportunity to express an interest in hearing more but haven't taken it. And there are a lot of people on this thread who are very clear that they genuinely aren't interesting in other people - this is how I would usually identify them! This is also how I'd indicate to someone else I wasn't interested in hearing more, on the rare occasion I didn't want to engage with someone.

Honestly, I do find that kind of weird.

Questions to start a discussion when a person doesn't especially have anything they want to talk about, or to move things on in the conversation has flagged I can understand, but to have something you know you want to talk about and be with a friend you want to talk about it with but to feel you have to wait for them to ask the right question -

As a wonderful Aussie once said to me in a different context - "what are you waiting for - a written invitation?"

This is exactly my thoughts too (I am part Aussie so maybe that's it 😉).

I just don't understand why anyone would need someone to ask them a question before they open up or talk about a certain thing. What I love about my friends and family is I can go to them at any time and talk to them. I don't need them to ask about me, just as they don't need me to ask about them. Because we're friends, not strangers.

This thread really reminds me of Micky Flanagan. About 4.30 minutes in.

"How's Sue? Did you not ask Tony how Sue was?
I didnt even ask Tony how he was"

Actually, it is an imperative. Isn’t it?

Met 4 friends earlier today so thought of this thread. Surely the only way to interact is to ask questions? All these were asked as a “trigger” to back and forth conversation. How do non questioners talk!?

Hows your week?
How was your trip to London?
Has x gone back to uni how was that?
How is the hospital is at as bad as everyone says?

Posters are really fixating on the jobs and kids. I'm sure those are just examples of what one could ask. Lazy examples perhaps, but thinking of your own questions, that you find more interesting, are really not ruled out here.

We've been through this 🤷🏻

Tbh, it's not really helping the pro-question lobby to keep rehashing the "how's your job/children" questions. They are quite boring (although I might ask them in the course of chatting to someone) and the anti-questioners have somehow concluded that they are the only questions we can think of because we are stupid, boring and all-round terrible people.

ANOTHER one saying "loads of personal questions!

The thread is about questions, no "loads" and no "personal".

Nobody is advocating that!

I really need to step away from this - it's playing havoc with my own neuro diversity.

pay attention next time you are with your friends and family and you will notice that asking questions is part of the natural flow of conversation.

@sandyhappypeople
I made this exact point earlier but it fell on deaf ears. People really dig their heels in on here.

The irony!

No, there are lots of other ways to interact, as has been evidenced on this thread.

But I've been pretty balanced on this thread on the whole. You even "loved" one my earlier posts when I explained how I make allowances for people who are shy or may be ND, and I've thanked you on several of yours.

I've advocated several different styles of conversation which all work, so ultimately my conscience is clear as far as hypocrisy goes.

I just think it's ironic that you commented on how other people dig their heels in when you've done exactly the same thing.

I didn't mean it in a negative or an insulting way.

Ok, but I've really been striving for balance on this thread. I'm sorry you've misunderstood.

I'll admit it's frustrating to see the same exaggerations over and over again as to the quantity and nature of the questions in... er... question, and that people still think kids and jobs are the only ones being discussed 🥱 and that has tainted my posts, but genuinely, I'm trying to find some common ground here.

But do you not think it's equally frustrating to read post after post from people saying that anyone who doesn't ask questions is rude, or that they have no social skills, or can't possibly be capable of having a balanced conversation?

People are digging their heels in because they feel misunderstood and possibly slightly picked on.

I still don’t understand how those who never ask questions of other people interact. Unless they sit there banging on about themselves all night.