To not bail DD out with car damage

[brokenbiscuitsadness]

DD 18 is at college. She has a car and an earns a good wage from her part time bar job.
I try to have ongoing conversations with her about saving money but it goes in one ear out the other. She literally spends every penny she earns without any thought to the future/car maintenance/emergencies.

when it was really icy a few weeks ago her car skidded in the college car park, causing £600 worth of damage to another car.
Naturally she has now come to me begging for me to loan her the money as she doesn't have it and so she doesn’t have to go through her insurance. I suspect she will have also asked ExH to also help - he will probably give in.

if she was more sensible with money I would be willing to lend it to her but I am now so exasperated I want to say no. That way she will have to figure a plan out herself and hopefully start to consider see why it’s so important to put money aside

AIBU?

That's not right is it? Why would they let you off when you're at fault. Happy to be corrected though!

Plus it will increase her premiums for the next few years. Could end up costing a lot more than £600.

Just repeating what others have said. Check your policy but I think you still have to let your own insurers know that you have been in an accident driving the car even if the other car was parked with no-one in it. Insurance policies are priced based on risk and are “utmost good faith”. If you are not completely honest then the company is not in a position to fully risk assess you and you could the end up having a policy cancelled. I think she needs to take the pain of reporting it the insurance company.

I think you are mistaken.

I would lend it to her but ensure a standing order is set up immediately to pay you back. If she is not saving properly then maybe you should charge 'rent' and save it for her (without her knowing).

I agree she needs to go through insurance. What is damage was a lot more?

How would i police that?

You have x amount of income
You have y amount of fixed outgoings. (Keep, food, fuel etc)
You have this much per month available less a good bit of living money. You pay me the rest until you have paid me back. A set figure.

I dont need to threaten as the decades of sticking to my side of any bargain means she knows i will bail her out of anything. But she must live up to her part of the bargain. She doesnt live up to it, the door will be locked and she can find somewhere else to live.

Nearly every single policy you have to tell them within 24 hours of any kind of damage. Even if it’s not your fault

i wojkd imagine she’s not done this? The car insurance might find out and then cancel her insurance and she’ll be in a whole new world of pain

friend of mine did this. They said they’d go private but somehow the insurance company found out. They now cannot get insured for love nor money as they were seen as commiting insurance fraud.

She should use the insurance, if only because then she's also covered and has process and protection in place if the garage messes up the repair, or the other driver makes further claims about the cost or isn't honest about it.

Does she need to drive to college or can she travel by public transport?

Has the other party said why they haven’t made a claim to their own insurance provider stating it was your daughters fault? So your daughters insurance provider can pay out for the damages.

No they aren’t

she will have to pay th £400 so the other car can be fixed

Make her go through the insurance. Safer all round, might be more expensive but saves dealing with the other party.

It actually keeps getting worse. Lend her the money at your peril! Just know that she'll never stop asking as she's learned nothing.

How can she be 'on a good wage' if she's at college amd working partime in a pub?

I'd at least go halves if it were me.

She goes through the insurance
if she can’t afford the excess she can’t afford a holiday
she needs to sort her priorities

If its happened before and she’s still not choosen to save money, then let her go through insurance. I would not lend the money.

You don't go through insurance for a few hundred quid. As the op says excess is £400 anyway.

you may as well loan her the £600 and hopefully this will teach her a lesson.

Honestly if she can't navigate this herself she's not mature enough to own a car and be driving, sorry. I got a car just out of college and understood it was my full responsibility and nobody else would be bailing me out (although my dad did tow me home once!). This lesson has to be learned, no time like the present.

She shouldn't set the excess at a price she can't pay, even if it brings down premiums.

At most, lend her the excess and have a repayment plan. She needs to go through the insurance because otherwise anything could happen to fuck her over; repair could be botched, garage or other driver could claim the cost has increased and so on.

It’s a learning experience, she needs to go through her insurance.

OP, I have a 55 year old SIL and her parents have bailed her out financially her whole life. They are now in their 80s. It started out with clearing credit cards and overdrafts in her early 20s and continued from there. She’s downsized her house three times to get out of financial trouble as she spends her money on things that aren’t important and then can’t afford what does matter. We saw her recently and she was having to get one of her DC to pay a small bill as she couldn’t cover it right there and then, but then the next thing she’s telling us about an expensive day out she’s going on.

This may sound extreme but it could be what your future is like if you bail your daughter out again. You’ve done it once and it didn’t make her more responsible so maybe just have a think about what effect constantly paying for her could have going forward.

Lend it to her on condition she has her wages paid into your bank so you can take your repayment before flipping it on to her.

You are on a hiding to nothing, OP. If you lend her the money and she doesn't pay it back in accordance with whatever was agreed, then you will be annoyed and she will resent you if you bring it up or ask for it.
If you don't lend her the money, you are still the bad guy.
I would let Ex take the hit tbh, then he can be the one having conversations with her as to why she hasn't repaid, or letting her off and being £600 out of pocket.
I would bet most of that £600 that she won't pay back on schedule.