Moral dilemma - should 6 year old DS be made to confess?

[Ricecrispiesatsix]

6 year old DS had a friend round yesterday to play Lego Star Wars. The friend brought a couple of figurines with him including the Emperor Palpatine and the boys played for hours together so nicely. It was really lovely to see DS (who has quite niche, geeky interests) find a school friend he connects with.

When it came to leave, the friend couldn’t find the Emperor Palpatine, we looked everywhere, DS offered to let him borrow his millennium falcon instead which was suspiciously generous of him….

Well you can probably guess what happened later. We found Emperor P hidden in DS’s “secret drawer”. He basically stole from his friend and lied to us about it. He was distraught and ashamed when we found out because he knows he made a bad choice.

He will of course be made to return Emperor P to the friend but should we make him own up to stealing it, or is it ok for him to simply say “I found it”? DS is worried his friend won’t want to play with him anymore. And that would be a shame. DS is generally a lovely gentle boy and he is remorseful, the temptation was just too much! I do want to teach him honesty though and worry if we don’t encourage him to confess we are saying that lying by omission is ok.

YABU - make him confess
YANBU - it’s ok for him to give it back and just say “I found it”

Calm and reasoned using your “shouty” words! Oh yeah you’re the most calm and reasoned poster on here!

The six year old is the going to be the same as Boris Johnson a pathological liar politician, because in your words

Such ignorance. I bet Boris and the like did EXACTLY that, weren’t properly taught right from wrong and there were little or no consequences for this kind of thing.
How ELSE did he become a pathological liar?

I’m from the south of Ireland, not from the north Ireland if that makes any bearing?

It’s not a cardinal sin, but it does indicate shouty rage words, so maybe just calm down.

He’s six and I bet good money he won’t turn into a pathological liar politician.

No not really planning on showing DH the thread.

I said to him this morning “DS is worried if he tells his friend what happened he won’t want to play with him anymore” and DH said “hmmmm ok” but we didn’t have much time to discuss it (mornings are a mad rush and especially Mondays). I think it hadn’t really occurred to him that 6 year olds might not be as forgiving as adults and DH has a very strong moral compass. I then doubted myself and posted because I wasn’t sure I was acting morally and was interested to see what others thought. And it has been a very interesting thread (to me at least!).

DS has given the figurine back. He said his friend was very happy to be reunited with Emperor P.

We have both spoken to DS very firmly and he knows he must not do it again. We will keep a close eye on him on future play dates. I do believe (hope!) he has learnt his lesson though.

He spent the last of his Christmas money tonight on his own Emperor Palpatine.

So a happy ending seems to be the outcome.
Kids do silly things, and they learn from their mistakes, upsetting mum and dad is one thing most don't want to do.
Your son sounds like a normal, happy little boy....especially now he has his own Emperor P.😎

He understands that it's wrong, and that he needs to give it back.
What he says should be up to him.

He’s made a bad choice & has learnt from it; message Noys mum & say it was found down edge of bed or some other innate piece of furniture & say your son was so upset it was lost he kept looking

This

I can’t believe how harsh some
people are, this kid is 6. I think you are handling this very well. You have had a conversation with him. Ask him to consider how he would feel
if his friend had take his toy but definitely just say you found it. Hope the other mum is not o her or if she is, she won’t tell her child. It would ruin the friendship. I doubt he will do this again.

Let the first offence be a serious warning and if it happens again you’ll make him confess

Teaching a 6 year old to lie sends the wrong message. He needs to own up, apologise and maybe get a gift for his friend. Nothing extravagant, some sweets maybe. 6 years old is old enough to own their mistakes I think

This is a good learning opportunity and shows him he can trust you and come to you with secrets. I agree with others that he should not be made to confess (this time) but you can spend time going over it to help it sink in. The feeling he has now will probably prevent any similar behaviour happening again!

lol
so your kid stole.,and then lied. And then didn’t have to face consequences from his friend. And then, got to go spend his Xmas money on something.

top parenting 👏

I said to DS at bedtime that he’s a good boy who made a mistake and that the important thing now is to put it right.

This really isn’t the case though in this instance. He choose to do something naughty that hurt his friend and got found out. If he’d come to you upset and confessed what he’d done I’d agree with the impulse control angle. But he kept the pretense up after the other kid had left and there’s no indication he would have ever confessed if your DH hadn’t found it.

Now he knows he needs to hide things better.

I don’t agree with coming down hard on young kids, it just scares them into hiding everything. But telling him he’s good right when he’s done something naughty isn’t a good way to develop good behaviour. Use more neutral language and focus on the impact on his friend and how he would feel if his friend did similar to him. Don’t shame him over it - it’s an opportunity to learn - but don’t give him praise when he’s behaved poorly.

I disagree. I believe that kids act the way we expect them to. Kids who believe deep down they are good are more likely to mask good choices. Kids who believe they are naughty will act naughty.

He was very firmly spoken to and he was in absolute pieces. He IS a good kid. He's a lovely, sweet, polite boy. Not perfect of course.

Agree with this. And, it’s an opportunity to have a very clear, VERY GENTLE but very clear, conversation about: “Do You See What Might Have Happened?”; “Do You See Why Stealing From A Friend Can Lead You To Be Lonely?”; “Would You Like It If All The Children Thought You Were A Stealer?” (young children often don’t really understand the word “thief”, they do understand “stealer” as someone who steals).

Then, when the lesson has landed (“do you understand?”) then lead them away from danger into the sunny uplands: “So, you understand why it’s important to be honest and a good friend, so you can be the lovely boy that you really are and the one we all love all of the time”.

Gentle but clear.

He may be a good kid. But he wasn't in this instance. In any way. Of course he's in pieces. He knew he shouldn't have done it and he got caught out so didn't manage to hide it from you, got your disappointment and didn't get to keep the piece he was prepared to upset his friend for. Nothing good for him there.

Reinforcing he's good when he is good is useful (though identity language can be over used - good to mainly focus on praising actions). So if he's a good, lovely, sweet, polite kid you will have plenty of opportunity to do this. Reinforcing he's good when he isn't sends mixed messages and research suggests it's not as effective in curbing disruptive behaviour.

He's only 6 and he clearly knows he did wrong.
I'd be taking his lego star wars away for a week though to drive the message home but definitely no need to tell the friend and dont tell the parent either cos they may tell their child.

I do see your point but it was hours later at bedtime that I told him he was good. I do think it was important for him not to go to sleep thinking “I’m bad”, it’s always good to end the day positively. Tomorrow is a new day.

I wouldn’t take it to school. Good chance it wouldn’t make it home.

Agree

He isn't a bad child though. He's a good child that did a bad thing and is now taking steps to fix it. Research suggests that when a child internalises the label that they are bad, rather than that they are good but sometimes do bad things, they live up to that label.

I don’t think a 6 year should be made to “confess” but you should be handing the Lego back to the other parent with an apology and truthful explanation. I would be then having a very honest conversation with my son about how taking someone else’s property is very wrong in any situation and he should think about apologising to his friend, it is then up to his friend if he wants to continue the friendship.

He is only 6 but even at a young age things should be dealt with in a straight forward and honest way, hopefully these are lessons they take forward.

I stole a little red bus from my playmate when I was about 6 and hid it away as I felt so guilty that I didn[t even play with it. I[m now 77 and this post has brought back memories....:-)

I can't believe all the people in here suggesting the child lie and the parent is happy to cover up for them stealing.

No wonder schools don't like dealing with parents anymore.

Yes, I stole a ring from Matalan in my teens and I never wore it and felt bad every time I looked at it.