Moral dilemma - should 6 year old DS be made to confess?

[Ricecrispiesatsix]

6 year old DS had a friend round yesterday to play Lego Star Wars. The friend brought a couple of figurines with him including the Emperor Palpatine and the boys played for hours together so nicely. It was really lovely to see DS (who has quite niche, geeky interests) find a school friend he connects with.

When it came to leave, the friend couldn’t find the Emperor Palpatine, we looked everywhere, DS offered to let him borrow his millennium falcon instead which was suspiciously generous of him….

Well you can probably guess what happened later. We found Emperor P hidden in DS’s “secret drawer”. He basically stole from his friend and lied to us about it. He was distraught and ashamed when we found out because he knows he made a bad choice.

He will of course be made to return Emperor P to the friend but should we make him own up to stealing it, or is it ok for him to simply say “I found it”? DS is worried his friend won’t want to play with him anymore. And that would be a shame. DS is generally a lovely gentle boy and he is remorseful, the temptation was just too much! I do want to teach him honesty though and worry if we don’t encourage him to confess we are saying that lying by omission is ok.

YABU - make him confess
YANBU - it’s ok for him to give it back and just say “I found it”

Then the lesson learnt is that unpleasant actions sometimes have unpleasant consequences.

So the friend goes home minus Emperor P & with a Millennium Falcon.

I think his mum will have already guessed what happened!.

Don't force a confession. It is unnecessarily harrowing at this age. Truly- I think a lot of us have profound feelings of guilt and regret indelibly etched into our memories, without the added shame and embarrassment of a confession.

Oh no no, the friend didn’t actually take the millennium falcon home! It was just offered.

Oh, my mistake.

Well as you say the clue was there.

The mum will probably have guessed anyway.

Never happened with me but my DM at a similar age stole some money from her grandma’s purse and bought some toys she liked the look of and then brought them into school. Headmaster found them but was very kind but said they had to be returned which they were. I don’t know if the grandma or her dad were told. DM never did this again though and also remembers this occasion.

DB at a similar age stole some penny sweets from the corner shop, DM insisted he return the money to the shop and own up about the theft. A bit harsh but he didn’t do it again.

This

Tell the friend you found it and that will be the end of it.

Pick your battles as they say.

I think the best way to teach a six year old to be kind and empathetic to others is to model it.

He’s only 6, absolutely tiny. I did this very same thing when I was a bit younger, maybe 4. The NDN’s child had a toy Buzz Lightyear and I had Woody so we’d play together with them. One day she left Buzz out on her drive so I took it. My mum made me put it back on the drive when she found out but didn’t make me confess. I didn’t go on to become a criminal mastermind or anything.

If he tells his friend, he might lose the friendship and that would be sad when he’s found someone to connect with on niche things.

There's a lot of concentration on how your DS feels and how remorseful he is and how awfully upsetting it is for him (and I'm sure it is)
I think it is important for your son that you discuss how upset the other little boy feels having lost his toy and how distressing that is for him. I think the important lesson from stealing and lying is not so much 'don't do it because you will feel guilty and bad and that is horrible for you' but 'don't do it because it is upsetting and hurtful for the person you have done it to' .

It is a very common thing for kids this age to do, I'm sure many of us did it as children or had it done to us, but it can be used as a learning experience to increase empathy and awareness of now our actions affect others.

In terms of confessing, as others have said, when you arrive and say you found it of course the other Mum will know it was stolen, and he may or may not tell her on this and he may or may not want to play with him any more. I don;t know, depends on the Mum, it wouldn't make me stop mmy child playing with yours, I just ay Johnny made amitake and he is sorry so all is fine But people react differently. I'd be pretty impressed with a child who owned up and think they were generally a good kid.

Complete overreaction. He feels guilty, that's enough - you don't need to further shame him with endless punishments.

6 year olds have little to no impulse control - you're basically punishing him for being his developmental age!!

He felt bad. He owned up. You absolutely have a chat about lying and taking toys that don't belong to you. And then you let it go cos he is just a tiny kid.

Consequences at home but no social embarrassment. Protect his nascent friendship.

I would never make him confess. He has understood that his actions are wrong and he shouldn't be forced to lose a friend over it when it's unecessary

He's only six and it sounds like he has already learned his lesson. It is enough to have confessed to you and to have felt remorse and shame. You should let him say it turned up.

Actions have consequences. He’s of school age and should be taught this. Confiscation of a toy is not too harsh a consequence.

There are children that steal from each other at school, she doesn’t want her child being one of them and labelled a thief forever more.

She has to be firm with this lesson.

Mum of daughter´s friend found her daughter had stuffed quite a few of my daughter´s stuff in her rucksack. Mum takes it all out and leaves it in my DD´s bedroom. We all pretend we didn´t see anything. Consequence: my daughter no longer sees this friend with the same eyes. She was pondering over this for some time, as she brought it up a couple of times asking why? "Well, I said. Friend is also 6 and sometimes impulse gets the better of kids I say, but I am sure the looks could kill that her mum gave her will last a lifetime". This was last summer, and out of the blue little friend apologised to my daughter this Christmas for taking her things. My daughter was pleased, but the damage is done.

Completely agree, the feelings of shame and remorse ARE the punishment.

Don't put him through such a difficult situation for really common behaviour. He's only 6.

If it happens again, however, then I would be making a different move. Probably speaking to the other parent about it and letting them make the decision on if they feel the friendship is correct for their son at this time.

I think your DS has learned the lesson. He tried it and it felt horrible, I think every child goes through this, my DS certainly did at about that age. Just reinforce the lesson and leave it there.

I remember being that age. The punishment is the owning up to your parents. It feels so awful. They know what you've done. He's six, and this should be the end of it. Allow him to return the toy and pretend he found it. Otherwise the repercussions could be greater than the crime, and the lesson he may learn is that he should have kept his mouth shut and not confessed. And let him know you'll be keeping an eye on him in future.

I did this at about the same age with a friend's Princess Jasmine doll. My mum dealt with it "in house" and we told her we'd 'found' it. I definitely wasn't a criminal mastermind and have never stolen anything else since. I would use it as an opportunity to explain to him about right and wrong then let it go.

This. He’s only 6. He doesn’t even comprehended sharing yet! That’s part of the brain is literally JUST developing now.

He’s 6….
By being unpleasant and harsh all you are doing is teaching a small child that you are not approachable when they’ve messed up, the anxiety caused to him if he was ordered to confess to his friend at this age would be awful.
Yes as parents we should explain that taking things that belong to others is stealing, that friends will be upset and that he must not do it again.
This isn’t a child that is old enough to fully understand the consequences of taking it when he made the split decision to hide it, he will be in reception or year 1 in primary school.
Compassion and empathy along with guidance is what’s needed here, not being unpleasant.

It sounds like he's learnt his lesson already and there's no point making the incident bigger by forcing a confession (unless he wants to do so).

He’s so young, he made a mistake. Let him say he found it but he gets a lecture from you saying anymore nonsense like and the next time he doesn’t get a pass, and he’ll be confessing to the parents. He can learn from it without losing the friendship.

No need to go in with a sledgehammer. You can teach lessons without being so harsh.