Moral dilemma - should 6 year old DS be made to confess?

[Ricecrispiesatsix]

6 year old DS had a friend round yesterday to play Lego Star Wars. The friend brought a couple of figurines with him including the Emperor Palpatine and the boys played for hours together so nicely. It was really lovely to see DS (who has quite niche, geeky interests) find a school friend he connects with.

When it came to leave, the friend couldn’t find the Emperor Palpatine, we looked everywhere, DS offered to let him borrow his millennium falcon instead which was suspiciously generous of him….

Well you can probably guess what happened later. We found Emperor P hidden in DS’s “secret drawer”. He basically stole from his friend and lied to us about it. He was distraught and ashamed when we found out because he knows he made a bad choice.

He will of course be made to return Emperor P to the friend but should we make him own up to stealing it, or is it ok for him to simply say “I found it”? DS is worried his friend won’t want to play with him anymore. And that would be a shame. DS is generally a lovely gentle boy and he is remorseful, the temptation was just too much! I do want to teach him honesty though and worry if we don’t encourage him to confess we are saying that lying by omission is ok.

YABU - make him confess
YANBU - it’s ok for him to give it back and just say “I found it”

Go with the I found it, but some at home consequences in private. Even in a workplace praise and recognition is public, consequence management private

DS is worried his friend won’t want to play with him anymore.

I tend to think honesty is the best policy for adults who know better but I'm more flexible with children. I don't think I would make him confess but it's interesting that he's both aware and worried about how him stealing borrowing the figure might affect his friendship. I would talk to him and explain that choices have consequences and that if he wants to have friends he can't expect to steal from them and keep them. I would hand the toy back, say you found it and tell your son you will not cover for him if he does it again.

Six is peak lying age. You don’t need to lie to anyone. Just give it to the boy’s mum and say “look what turned up after you left!” and leave it at that…

Yes, this is spot on.

He's only 6, and potentially spoiling the only friendship he has seems unnecessarily harsh.
He needs to return it to the friend, obviously. And needs to understand that you're cross about this, and will be watching him very closely in the future. If he has a punishment from you, such as losing access to a favoured toy for a length of time, I think that would be reasonable and enough.

I don't think there's anything to be gained by shaming your child in front of his friend. Ever. If you're happy he feels regret then this should be kept in-house, there's no need to punish him further.

Blimey, he's 6 years old ! He's discovered that he feels rotten when he does something dishonest. Which means he's unlikely to do it again. Reinforce to him that his behaviour is not acceptable, and that on this one occasion you will support him to just give it back saying he found it. But that it is not to happen again. If he can't feel that he can tell his parents about something he knows is not OK then how can you expect him to come clean about other misdemeanours (accidental or otherwise) in the future.

As long as he knew it was wrong let him apologise and leave it at that. Keep a watchful eye on him in future though.

It's a good age to learn not to steal. I have never forgotten being found out by my mum for stealing from her purse, or being told I had to give my friend's silver bracelet back. You can explain to him that what he did was wrong, but don't humiliate him by making him confess to the other child - just let him say he found it under the sofa or something.

I didn’t say my parenting style deserves a medal! Of course we ALL make mistakes.

Oh, oops, mea culpa: I forgot using capital letters is a cardinal sin in your book: you’ve mentioned that several times.

You have incorrectly assumed I care that the vast majority of people I don’t know and will never meet disagree with me on this. Doesn’t mean I’m wrong.

Make him walk down the street ringing a bell wearing one of those placard things with "i'm a thief" written on it.

Yes. You have no control over how the friend and his mother might react @Ricecrispiesatsix . It's too big a risk to take with a six year old.

I'd tell him to take it back and say that mummy found it (which you did) but make it very clear to him that if this ever happens again, you go with him and make him tell the truth.

It’s developmentally normal at this age. I think he’s learned his lesson. No need to shame him more.
https://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/health/conditions-and-diseases/lying-and-stealing

I wasn’t reacting to the child.
I was reacting to the parent. Being told a bare faced lie by the parent was the issue.

There's a lot of concentration on how your DS feels and how remorseful he is and how awfully upsetting it is for him (and I'm sure it is)
I think it is important for your son that you discuss how upset the other little boy feels having lost his toy and how distressing that is for him

Yes, agreed. As I said my DD was utterly distraught. The child that stole her toy was from a family that could buy whatever they wanted, we couldn’t at that time and there would have been no getting another one. That child stole simply because they wanted it and the parent lied to cover for them. Great lesson. If I hadn’t gone to them and made it clear I knew they had it, I doubt DD would have got it back. At least the OP is returning the stolen toy, I suppose.

This is a very passive-aggressive post.🙄

He was only remorseful because he had been found out. What is telling is how he was beforehand. Did he deny having it or knowing where it was? He can tell his friend it was found but the lecture and punishment is to come from his parents.

Won't the average 6 year old be more upset that he has let his parents down?
I think they would be, and that may have more effect on him that admitting o the boy and his parents that he nicked it.

Six year olds need to know they can trust their parents,
IF he does it again, then that's a different matter, my bet is, now he knows he has upset and angered his mum and dad by his actions, he won't.

God, what absolute rot. It’s a calm and reasoned response to an incredibly aggressive-aggressive poster.

I’m from Northern Ireland: we don’t even know what passive aggression is. Not like the British can do it.

That’s embarrassing, would you stop that please. (I’m Irish.)

Passive aggressive AND discriminating against the Brits....you go from bad to worse.😬

🙄

I would do this too. But I would give him a consequence for doing this. He’s also 6 so not very young.

I’ve received a lot of unnecessary and personal abuse on this thread, merely for expressing an apparently out of the ordinary view. That’s the way MN is going these days, apparently. Pity.

@RicecrispiesatsixFWIW your bigger problem is the fact you and your husband don’t be on the same page about how to deal with the issue. You posted largely because he disagreed with you I think: do yuh plan to show him this thread?

Im half Irish and I can confirm we can be as passive aggressive as the next person 🤣🤣

Its tough. Make him own up - bearing in mind he is only 6 - may be the right thing but isn't going to make a huge difference to his friend in that he still gets his item back but could ruin the friendship and could deeply impact your child not only with this child but also others. Potentially also his relationship with you as you aren't then someone he will feel will help him problem solve his mistakes but will see an even worse end result. I think he sounds like he was already punished in his reaction when it was discovered and he realised he did wrong. I would use it as an opportunity to explain why we do not steal and lie, what will happen if there is a next time, and that you get told off less if you confess than if you maintain a lie. Also a chance to explain how mistakes and poor decisions happen and telling you makes it better not worse. I do think there should be another consequence - perhaps he cannot play with his figures for a period.