Moral dilemma - should 6 year old DS be made to confess?

[Ricecrispiesatsix]

6 year old DS had a friend round yesterday to play Lego Star Wars. The friend brought a couple of figurines with him including the Emperor Palpatine and the boys played for hours together so nicely. It was really lovely to see DS (who has quite niche, geeky interests) find a school friend he connects with.

When it came to leave, the friend couldn’t find the Emperor Palpatine, we looked everywhere, DS offered to let him borrow his millennium falcon instead which was suspiciously generous of him….

Well you can probably guess what happened later. We found Emperor P hidden in DS’s “secret drawer”. He basically stole from his friend and lied to us about it. He was distraught and ashamed when we found out because he knows he made a bad choice.

He will of course be made to return Emperor P to the friend but should we make him own up to stealing it, or is it ok for him to simply say “I found it”? DS is worried his friend won’t want to play with him anymore. And that would be a shame. DS is generally a lovely gentle boy and he is remorseful, the temptation was just too much! I do want to teach him honesty though and worry if we don’t encourage him to confess we are saying that lying by omission is ok.

YABU - make him confess
YANBU - it’s ok for him to give it back and just say “I found it”

I would say to friend /mum thank heavens you found it and return

dont say he took it

but

I would be having a serious chat with son esp as you found it , he didn’t tell you

if you hadn’t found it - would he have said - I don’t think he’s feeling sorry . He got caught out

If it's the first time I wouldn't force him to say it. I try not to let friends bring toys around to play with for exactly this reason. We had a huge problem when two friends visiting at the same time both claimed an item, and I had no idea who was telling the truth, and neither did the parents collecting as both children owned the item but neither parent knew whether their child had actually brought it with them or left it at hime.

This. You give it back and say YOU found it.

Talk to your son, talk about making a good decisions. Get him to do some helping around the house or he loses something for a while (sanction) and then brush over it.

I stole from a shop aged 6 - everyone had spending money but my friend didn’t have enough and I had none - so I took it to please her. It was on a school trip. I got back on the coach and felt awful an confessed to the teacher she got off and paid for it and said just learnt from this - next time don’t do it nothing is worth feeling this bad and I didn’t even do anything like that again ever.

DS did wrong and there should be a consequence. It’s your choice what that consequence is. I personally wouldn’t get him to admit the truth given the wider impact this could have. I would put limits on media / some other interest for a period of time instead.

I wouldn't make him do a full "confession" to his friend given everything you've said. It sounds like he's very remorseful and has learnt a lesson so I'd just say you "found it" and very sorry etc. I'd also reiterate to your DS that he should always be honest with you even if he has made a mistake and that you can sort any issues out together (and taking a gentler approach when dealing with this issue underlines that you're a safe space).

This happens often at school when children bring in little toys ( they are asked not to). We help the children deal with it in a non confrontational way as they are so young. In year one, 5/6 year olds, last week at home time a child discovered some Pokémon toys attached to their school bag had disappeared. The children can be alone in the cloakroom as they walk through it to the toilet. We gave out all bags and asked the children to look incase the toy had got into their bag, no result so we said okay bags open we (teacher/ TA) will come and look in everyone’s bag incase it’s fallen in. Lo and behold as we began looking in bags one little girl, called out “ I’ve found it”. We said great go and give it to the boy who it belonged to and that was it. The girl was probably scared enough as we started to go through bags and hopefully won’t do it again. We followed up a couple of days later with circle time about not taking other peoples things but not focusing on that specific incident. Young children are learning and they don’t need humiliating or being labelled as a thief at 6, as with your son op, she just gave in to temptation. It will be recorded but only so we can notice if it’s repeated behaviour and then we’d look into why a child is taking others belongings but a one off incident is a pretty normal
part of childhood.

Tell him he found it and read son the riot act !
Honestly op he's only 6 ,,you finding it and him being embarrassed and humiliated is enough punishment PLUS if this is one of the few friends he has who shares interests don't spoil it for him unessarcarily .

If the friend's Mum is on MN, they'll see this

Hard disagree with this.

Hes 6 and it sounds like he’s learnt his lesson.

there’s no way I would do anything to risk his new friendship.

I would return it to the friend and say we found it, apologies for it going missing. I would also buy him a chocolate bar or something as way of apology, maybe even taking some coins from your son’s piggy bank to pay for it.

id say that’s lesson enough.

That was a really long way of saying no I don’t think your son should be made to confess. He knows it’s wrong and needs to give it back.

I wouldn't make him feel even worse than he already is feeling. Just let him say he found it and then tell him its not ok as you already have. It's great he has found a friend with similar interests and would be a shame for for play dates to not continue for the sake of one lapse of judgement by a 6 year old.

He made a mistake, I would not humiliate him and make him confess. I would say, toy has been found and return it- min fuss. However, actions have consequences. I would put in place some mild punishment. He knows he has done wrong, he knows you are disappointed in him, that is probably enough.

I’d let him say he just found it. But I’d have given him a very stern talking to about ever nicking anything, so I’d hope he’d have learnt his lesson. And I think I’d tell him that if, heaven forbid, it ever happens again, I will certainly make him go and own up in person.

I’d give the toy back saying you found it, but give your child a firm talking to and point out no one will want to be his friend if he steals. Hes 6, no need to make a bigger deal of it.

Can you give the toy back directly to a parent? It probably shouldn't go into school with your DS anyway - a teeny, desirable toy is likely to get 'lost' again - and that way no one lies to anyone, you just give it to the parent saying, truthfully, that you found it at home.

Our little 'sticky fingers' is now 24 and is a lovely young man and a genuine pleasure to know. These things are in no way indicative of a further life of crime!

Ask your DS to return the toy promptly.
Help him find the accurate words in preparation.

Or have him write a note along with returning the toy.

Words ..
Here, Johnny, is your Emperor P.
Sorry that I kept it and didn't ask to borrow it.
Mummy saw Emperot P and helped me give it back straight away.

Thank you for comming over to play.
You can keep my Falcon until next time you come over.

The problem with asking him to come clean with the friend is that the friend is also only six.

We adults can all see that the desire for the toy got the better of your DS. But his little friend might see it as 'you attacked me personally by taking my toy'.

As he's feeling remorseful I'd do what others have suggested, let him to give it back and say he's found it but use the opportunity to teach him that there's no point in taking things - because he'll get found out, and he'll feel ashamed.

Then say that if it happens again, he will have to confess.

this also happened to me !

but I was made to confess and in front of the friends mum , this resulted in the mum calling me a “lying little toe rag” which maybe I deserved but made me feel so much shame,I was only 5 and honestly I internalised this for years

I think to say we found it is fine given the guilt and shame he has already shown

We were on the other side of this when DD was a similar age. I knew her friend must have taken it. I just messaged the mum saying we couldn’t find the toy and had it perhaps ended up in a pocket or bag by accident. Surprise, surprise it was found in her friend’s bag. I think we both knew what had really happened but I didn’t see the need for embarrassment given their age at the time.

However, it was a while before we invited her around again. DD was also very reluctant to let other friends play with certain toys after that.

This.

oh he's only little and has poor self control and regulation, it's part of growing up

please don't make him tell the friend - you know, that's enough fo a shame for him. It could impact his friendship - he has learnt his lesson surely?

This!! He’s been honest be telling you the truth! You’ve talked to him about how it was wrong and he’s remorseful.

Dont drag it out any further!!

I agree with those saying that at six, he's learnt his lesson this time, without having to confess to theft.

Given that he gave (or lent) the other boy his toy in exchange, it sounds like he probably wanted to ask to borrow the emperor toy but wasn't sure how to ask. I assume you've discussed it all with him and he's now better equipped to avoid situations like this in future.

He’s only 6, you cannot expect him to have the impulse control or understanding of consequences that an adult would have. He feels bad enough and has already learnt his lesson. Obviously discuss it with him but just let him just return it. Forcing him an embarrassing confession will only damage your relationship with him.