Moral dilemma - should 6 year old DS be made to confess?

[Ricecrispiesatsix]

6 year old DS had a friend round yesterday to play Lego Star Wars. The friend brought a couple of figurines with him including the Emperor Palpatine and the boys played for hours together so nicely. It was really lovely to see DS (who has quite niche, geeky interests) find a school friend he connects with.

When it came to leave, the friend couldn’t find the Emperor Palpatine, we looked everywhere, DS offered to let him borrow his millennium falcon instead which was suspiciously generous of him….

Well you can probably guess what happened later. We found Emperor P hidden in DS’s “secret drawer”. He basically stole from his friend and lied to us about it. He was distraught and ashamed when we found out because he knows he made a bad choice.

He will of course be made to return Emperor P to the friend but should we make him own up to stealing it, or is it ok for him to simply say “I found it”? DS is worried his friend won’t want to play with him anymore. And that would be a shame. DS is generally a lovely gentle boy and he is remorseful, the temptation was just too much! I do want to teach him honesty though and worry if we don’t encourage him to confess we are saying that lying by omission is ok.

YABU - make him confess
YANBU - it’s ok for him to give it back and just say “I found it”

So he confessed only after your DH caught him out. Otherwise nobody would be any the wiser and presumably Emporer whatsischops would still
be AWOL.

Yeah I’d make him tell the truth in this situation or I’d tell the parent what really happened, how unacceptable we find it and what consequence we were putting in place - explaining he’d return the item himself and say sorry.

However, I’m clearly in a tiny minority.

One of my friends up the road stole the bathroom furniture from my dolls house, it was found under very similar circumstances Never knew how she got it out the house without me seeing. All returned but I never wanted to play with her again

I wouldn’t make him confess but I wouldn’t want to teach him to lie either.
You should give the toy to the boys mum, say you found it in your son’s bedroom after her son left, which you did.
Your son should still get a consequence though.. Take something away that he likes for a few days and make sure you let him know that he mustn’t steal.

Hi again, OP -

If the friend’s mum is reading this, she knows how seriously you and DH have taken the situation.

She also knows that DS felt guilty immediately (by his offer of a toy in compensation) and she knows very well that all young DC have ignoble impulses that sometimes get the better of them. They are little!

For all these reasons I hope she will keep this quiet, though obviously that assumes it is not repeated.

I'd let him say he'd 'found it' and return the toy, but there would be consequences for stealing and lying at home.

You asked that question after your ridiculous rant about pathological lying politicians and the correlation between them and six year olds.

Yes, your opinion is different and also in the vast minority.

You spoke to OP like she didn’t have a clue how to paren, you then started with the upper case letters when addressing me? Then asking if I was always so patronising? Because upper case letters and the way you spoke to OP are not patronising at all?

Yes, I’m sure you and your husband have a certain way of parenting…. Good luck with it! 👍

Now OP has answered your question, I’ll leave you to bash her and say how awful that behaviour is again.

Hopefully it will blow over you have text his mum and it won't happen again. Sounds like your husband went in a bit too hard and it was a huge deal to him,which tbf nobody wants their child "stealing" so it has become an issue, pp have said don't let friends bring toys round let them play with your sons toys for a bit,

Absolutely this.
He is very young and will learn from this with a chat and a full understanding on why it's wrong.
Why subject him to a lost friendship and public humiliation at school.

i would not react like that to a mistake by a 6 year old, as they are learning.

however parent saying “it was found” is an intentional lie by a grown up, and yes I will absolutely take note of the parent lying. In my books the parent at least should be honest with another parent.

I must say I kind of agree with this. If he’s embarrassed about his behaviour and remembers the lesson then is that really such a bad thing?

Need no luck from you, thanks very much! 😂

so he didn’t actually CONFESS. He was busted and then had to acknowledge the obvious.
he’s probably more remorseful that he was found out and that parents told him off.

some lesson in life you gave him

I agree.
He was remorseful and upset because he was caught.
If he hadn't been caught he would have kept it without a second thought.

No of course not, your parenting style deserves a 🏅!

I’m just so glad the vast majority don’t agree.

Just give it back. He’s 6 and if it’s a first offense, let it go. If he has a history of lying and sneaky behaviour then you need to deal with that though.

I would explain to him what he has done, sit him down and make him make and write a card saying sorry to make him think about it. If it were my child I’d also have them give them their favourite character along with their one back, to teach them how it feels to lose something you care about, but that’s perhaps a bit harsh.

No one knows for certain he would have kept it, so saying he would is just pure conjecture.

Op I feel for you and your lad. Its crap knowing they've pinched something but this is fairly common IME and it doesnt mean hes going to head up a bank heist when hes older or turn into a politician.

Fwiw if I was the other boys mum and I sussed hed stole it there would be no hard feelings from my side. There werent when one of DS pals nicked one of his Pokemon figures. He was and still is a lovely boy, he was just a bit of a prat one time ❤️

We found it will suffice in my opinion for this time.

Yes, this has happened on both sides with my DC and at that age no one ever bats an eyelid! It certainly wouldn’t stop me sending my child for a play. These things are just normal parts of kids growing up.

That would be my choice as well. Treat this as a warning. Make it very clear that if he ever does it again he will be made to confess and he will not be allowed friends round or to go to theirs.

He is 6, which is still young, but he’s old enough to know that he must not do this.

Obviously the toy must be returned to the friend. Personally I would tell the friend's Mum the truth. Hopefully she will understand that little kids are sometimes overwhelmed by temptation and any thought of consequences goes out the window.
For your son, it should be a lesson learnt. The post reminded me of a nasty thing I did at junior school, must have been around 8. We all had to bring in picture postcards. My friend had a gorgeous one of a thatched Irish cottage. I stole it. I don't think I felt shame at the time, but I do now

I think he's already remorseful and there's no benefit in humiliating him.

I don't think telling the parents is a good idea - what if they tell the boy?

Give it back, say he found it, punish him at home if necessary.

What possible benefit is there in the other mum knowing? What if she doesn't understand and won't let them play anymore?

I did the exact same, I still feel so ashamed. I agree as a one off just let him give it back without saying.