Moral dilemma - should 6 year old DS be made to confess?

[Ricecrispiesatsix]

6 year old DS had a friend round yesterday to play Lego Star Wars. The friend brought a couple of figurines with him including the Emperor Palpatine and the boys played for hours together so nicely. It was really lovely to see DS (who has quite niche, geeky interests) find a school friend he connects with.

When it came to leave, the friend couldn’t find the Emperor Palpatine, we looked everywhere, DS offered to let him borrow his millennium falcon instead which was suspiciously generous of him….

Well you can probably guess what happened later. We found Emperor P hidden in DS’s “secret drawer”. He basically stole from his friend and lied to us about it. He was distraught and ashamed when we found out because he knows he made a bad choice.

He will of course be made to return Emperor P to the friend but should we make him own up to stealing it, or is it ok for him to simply say “I found it”? DS is worried his friend won’t want to play with him anymore. And that would be a shame. DS is generally a lovely gentle boy and he is remorseful, the temptation was just too much! I do want to teach him honesty though and worry if we don’t encourage him to confess we are saying that lying by omission is ok.

YABU - make him confess
YANBU - it’s ok for him to give it back and just say “I found it”

I personally wouldn’t teach my child to lie and therefore teach that lying allows you get away with things you shouldn’t have done. It won’t be easy but it will teach your son a huge life lesson that hopefully one day he’ll thank you for.

I can’t say whether the other child will still want to play with your son but hopefully his parents will explain that we all make mistakes and that owning up is very brave and that everyone deserves another chance. That’s what I would do anyway.

Maybe also buy the other child a little gift to soften the blow?

I don't think forcing a confession from a contrite child will help - 6 is very young, he made a mistake and is being honest with you. Gloss over it with the friend but don't let DS think he can get away with it again. At 6 it's not really particularly uncommon behaviour - I see a lot of my kid's friends trying to sneak treats on playdates and am glad mine doesn't, but that's just because my kid forgets about stuff that's out of sight in a cupboard, not because they are a saint.

Ah he's only 6! I'd just give it back but explain to him not to do it again, does not have to be a big thing.

I'd say this time he can tell his friends that he accidentally put it away, but if he does anything like that again, he will need to own up properly.

Actions have consequences even when you are remorseful. He needs to own up.

Your sons reaction is enough for you to be satisfied that he is remorseful and has learned a lesson. No need for further punishment or consequences.

So, all he needs to do is return it with a smile and say that he found it.

If this was the first time he’s done something like this, and he seems genuinely remorseful then I would let him say he found it and preserve the friendship this time. He’s very young, and even good kids that age do do impulsive, stupid things sometimes. I’d be very clear to him however that if he ever stole something again then next time he would absolutely be coming clean and dealing with whatever the consequences were, including the end of friendships if relevant.

He knew the minute it was missed that he’d messed up and tried to rectify it by lending his own toy. The figure is found. Your son has clearly understood he did the wrong thing. I would just give it back.
I presume you’ve had a firm conversation about it. Maybe a consequence at home for him. I would expect he won’t do it again in a hurry.

I think you can say oh look we found it and give it back, let the other parent know you have it, and apologise your sons impulse control isn't fully formed yet so basically took it because he liked it, he isn't unusual , but he has to give things back, he will learn but i don't think you have to make a big perfomance of it.

He has clearly understood now that it wasn’t OK. I think keep the moral lessons for home. Telling the other boy could jeopardise an important friendship, and who is to say that the other boy would keep it confidential? It could be gossip of the week in the playground and lead to social exclusion or other types of bullying for your DS.

This happened to me as a kid that age. I took a tiny item from a friend’s house. I have never, ever forgotten the feelings of guilt and shame about it. I am an incredibly law-abiding type!

There was definitely no need for “extra” guilt in my case - it is already one of my very strongest and worst memories. Given he seems to be feeling very bad already I would definitely let him give it back without a big confession. It really won’t be the start of a life of crime! If you really feel bad then give it to the parent yourself saying you found it.

I’d probably let my son say he found it and switch back toys. However, I would confiscate his millennium falcon for 2 weeks for stealing from his friend and a further 2 weeks for him having to lie to his friend to keep him out of trouble.

The fact that he owned up to you and was remorseful is enough imo. My child once did this with a school toy. She was eaten up with guilt and felt terrible about it- she still remembers it years later. We talked about how the guilty feeling is learning how to behave in society and how to be a good friend and treat others. I told her to listen to her emotions- in this case her emotions were telling her she did something wrong, and she did right to listen, and in future she can avoid that bad feeling but not doing it again.
The toy went back into school with an apology for taking it home by mistake. Which was true enough.
I wouldn't ruin a budding friendship for this mistake, just ensure he learns from it. Perfectly normal behavior for a child learning how to be.

He didn’t own up. OP found it in DS’s secret drawer.

I agree. He won’t forget how bad he feels. Don’t jeopardise his friendship.

In future it might be best if his friends don’t bring toys with them for a while.

I would just give it back and say you found it. He’s only 6 and there’s no need to involve other people. It’s not really that big a deal so I wouldn’t make it into one. Just deal with it in-house, as it were.

I remember stealing a chocolate bar from a friend’s house around that age and I felt so horrible after, I still remember it now. Forcing me to apologise and risk a friendship would have been awful, I felt guilty enough as it was and never did it again!

^ This. He’s what six? Not a criminal mastermind. He knows it was wrong, he best not do it again. I’d leave it at that.
The parents know it’s at your house, so just return it.

Ah gosh- terrible reading comprehension from me 😬
That makes it trickier... I take back my advice and leave it to others who can read better

Aww kids do this! At the same age I used to have to get DS' bestie to turn out his pockets before leaving 😂

They don't have the same morality and the fact that he understands he did wrong would be enough for me. I would just return the toy, not make too much more of it, and move on with what sounds like a nice friendship

“Finding it” isn’t really lying though, he doesn’t have to say where he found it!
Or he could say he accidentally put it away with his stuff.
Apologising and returning the toy is all that’s required I think.
He’s only 6 and obviously knows he’s done wrong.

I’d probably message the friend’s mum though and say sorry you found a toy and DS will return it at school - just in case he is tempted to not actually return it.

Oh 😂 my dd had a little friend who i had to "frisk" before she went home.

I think it's very young for this to have serious consequences. Some things from primary followed kids I went to school with for years and I wouldn't want his friend to tell everyone at school he was a thief (even if he was...)

I'd let it go once but say if he ever does it again you will make him own up face to face and apologise.

I'd say he did confess already - he's confessed to you. That's good enough at 6. Don't make him tell the other boy. It could get all around school and result in name-calling, bullying etc.

Sometimes temptation is just too much for small children. I remember a great aunt having a big jar of sweets that she would let me have one out of. When she was out of the room I would pinch 2 or 3 and put them in my pockets to take home. I didn't go on to do bad things never stole from a shop.

I would let him tell his friend he found it but make sure he knows it was wrong and how would he feel if one of his friends took one of his toys without him knowing.