Moral dilemma - should 6 year old DS be made to confess?

[Ricecrispiesatsix]

6 year old DS had a friend round yesterday to play Lego Star Wars. The friend brought a couple of figurines with him including the Emperor Palpatine and the boys played for hours together so nicely. It was really lovely to see DS (who has quite niche, geeky interests) find a school friend he connects with.

When it came to leave, the friend couldn’t find the Emperor Palpatine, we looked everywhere, DS offered to let him borrow his millennium falcon instead which was suspiciously generous of him….

Well you can probably guess what happened later. We found Emperor P hidden in DS’s “secret drawer”. He basically stole from his friend and lied to us about it. He was distraught and ashamed when we found out because he knows he made a bad choice.

He will of course be made to return Emperor P to the friend but should we make him own up to stealing it, or is it ok for him to simply say “I found it”? DS is worried his friend won’t want to play with him anymore. And that would be a shame. DS is generally a lovely gentle boy and he is remorseful, the temptation was just too much! I do want to teach him honesty though and worry if we don’t encourage him to confess we are saying that lying by omission is ok.

YABU - make him confess
YANBU - it’s ok for him to give it back and just say “I found it”

A month’s punishment for a 6 year old? It’ll mean nothing since they can’t comprehend ‘month’ at that age.

I think if it’s a first, and he genuinely seems remorseful I’d just ‘find’ it myself and return it. Obviously with the appropriate conversation with my child about stealing. This is when they start learning about actions and consequences. It’s not an unusual behaviour as a one off.

There will be nothing gained from confessing. Your son is already upset and anxious. Let it be a lesson, not a punishment.

And make sure to kick him in the nuts after 👍

How upset was the friend when the toy went missing?

Oddly I had something similar when my DS was a similar age.

He used to go to a lego club and one weekend I found a figure in his coat pocket when he returned home (obviously taken from the club). DS hadn't tried to hide it at all and when I asked him about the figure he was heartbroken, sobbed his little eyes out and begged me to take it back, apologise to the staff, offered to pay for some new figures for the club with his birthday money. Although he did say he never wanted to go back to the club himself.

We talked it through, it seemed to be a total impulse thing and DS was so shaken by it all I allowed him to return the figure the following week, tell the people who ran the club he'd taken it by mistake and he continued to attend the club with no other incidents.

He's now in Y8 and we have never had another incident. He is a very trustworthy and honest child so I think that was the right course for our child / a one off incident.

If it had happened again we wouldn't have been so lenient.

He is 6, he made a mistake, he knows he made a mistake and is remorseful.
If it was my son/grandsons, I would not insist he tells the friend he stole it, Obviously he must give it back straight away, I think knowing you feel let down by him is punishment enough.

Yes they will. I would absolutely know what had happened. But most adults wouldn't react like you did to a mistake by a 6 year old, and I certainly wouldn't. I think it was probably best for everyone that the kids stopped playing together in your case.

Such ignorance. I bet Boris and the like did EXACTLY that, weren’t properly taught right from wrong and there were little or no consequences for this kind of thing.

How ELSE did he become a pathological liar?

He's obviously contrite and remorseful. I'd leave it at that but gently remind him before the next play dates that this must not happen again.

I agree strongly with this. He is 6 years old and he confessed to you. If this became an ongoing problem, it may be different. But i would not expose him to the judgement of the playground, which may not be proportionate. Shame is a very harmful emotion for children. This is something for you to manage in the privacy of your home.

I agree it was stealing Lego age six! If his mother had stopped that, everything else would’ve been just tikkety boo! He wouldn’t have been a pathological liar or a politician, he may have been an accountant or a librarian maybe?

As I sad Lego theft, a gateway to pathological lies!

We are talking about a one off incident and how to handle that, not a general trait, you do realise that?

Incidentally, using upper case letters in the middle of a sentence, makes your ridiculous point no more credible. It just makes you appear quite enraged about the actions of a six year old and your insistence that your view is right.

@Ricecrispiesatsixwhen you say “we found Emperor P hidden in DS’s secret drawer”, how exactly did that play out?

Did you and he continue looking after the other boy had left (you in good faith, your son knowing the truth) and then one of you came upon him, and only after that your son told you the truth?

Are you usually so patronising?

I also think that it’s important at this age that children feel they can share any problem with their parents and they will help them.

If you expose him to his classmates, you will teach him to hide things from you. At 6 years old, you should be able to confide in your parents and trust they will make things better - with the outside world at least.

Are you usually so dramatic and ridiculous?

Honestly, so much projection for a six year old 🤣

Absolutely do not get him to confess.. people lie in life ALL the time! He was clearly upset that he had betrayed your trust and that’s the main thing.
squash it and don’t show him up to his mates..

politicians lie, people lie on their CVs etc.. you need to show you’re on his side through thick and thin. You will know deep down how sorry he is without causing unecessary stress…

I also agree strongly with this. The actual problem people in society do steal, but they don't get caught and don't shoe remorse. This kid clearly has a conscience, he's gonna be okay. Absolutely right to talk through him why it was wrong and make sure it never happens again. No-one gains from shaming him though, and that's all a confession is.

When I was about the same age, I stole a little eraser I wanted from a shop after my mum wouldn’t buy it. When we got home and my mum discovered it, she took me straight back to give it back to the shopkeeper and made me apologise. I was mortified. Never did anything like that again though.

In the friendship context I would worry that the friend would tell others at school, so I would probably go with the “I found it” route but would be very clear with your son that this cannot happen again because other people don’t like stealing and lying about it.

I personally think this is something to manage within the household, I wouldn't make him say anything else to his friend beyond the fact that it's been found (which is true).

I'm not sure what there would be to gain if it's been managed appropriately by the parents.

It would be different if there was a recurring problem in a specific situation.
So if your son was going to this friend's house regularly for instance, and taking things from there. At that age, I would talk to the mum then, not his friend.

My 4 yo has been taking toys from nursery, I have talked to the room leader so they can pay more attention (if they want to), made him take the toy back and apologise.

Omg this post is trending!! Argh! That’s never happened to me before! Yes if the friend’s mum is on mumsnet she will 100% know it’s me, hi!

So it was DH who thought to look in the secret drawer, naively it didn’t even occur to me that DS had hidden it. There is a LOT of Lego in our house and a lot of places it could have been. Plus 2 cheeky cats who bat things around.

I was bathing DD when he found it so don’t know exactly what was said, I just heard all the crying and wondered what was going on.

DH wanted him to confess to the friend, I was more of the opinion (having heard the tears) that he was remorseful enough however given my naivety I was also questioning my judgement hence asking mumsnet…

Unfortunately we don’t see each other at the school gates due to various breakfast and after school clubs so putting it in DS’s bag to return was the only option as we want the poor friend to get his figurine back ASAP. Will be interesting to see if it is given back today, I have texted the mum to let her know we found it and though she probably suspects what happened I really hope this will not jeopardise the friendship… I will check with DH exactly what was said and that DS knows it must not happen again.

I said to DS at bedtime that he’s a good boy who made a mistake and that the important thing now is to put it right.

I have a different view from many on this thread. That is fine and I’m entitled to it. It makes me neither dramatic nor ridiculous (whatever you mean by the latter - it’s quite an a nebulous adjective in this context).

You may notice I’ve asked a question earlier about what happened at what stage: this is also pertinent information. It makes a difference whether he confessed to his mum only after he was caught out in the lie, or did so voluntarily.

You can disagree with me, of course. However, sadly, Mumsnet seems to have become a place where people reach for insults rather than debate the issue calmly.

I wouldn’t even ask complete strangers on the internet what to do in this situation: my husband and I have enough confidence in our own parenting and moral compass (depending on the facts) to deal with it without external validation or guidance.

I would let him choose. It's a good opportunity for autonomy. Explain that he's done the right thing by owning up to you, and that you would be proud of him if he followed it through by owning up to his friend. He may blurt it out spontaneously and then it will have been his decision, so he can be proud of himself (and you can make a fuss of him). But you can also ask him to consider what would be the consequence of not owning up to his friend - and the answer would be 'not much'! Either way the whole experience will stand him in good stead for the next time he has to confess to something. He sounds lovely OP.

I think give him a pass on this one, he’s only 6 and had owned up to you and likely won’t do it again now. Say to him if he does it again he will have to tell his friend he took it on purpose.

Whilst your son was wrong to take it, it sounds like he’s remorseful enough now he’s been found out. I would most definitely not tell the other boy’s mum or the other boy himself as this could go horribly wrong for him at school, in particular if the other boy tells other children.

I think it would be a mistake to involve the other family in this life lesson. Return the “found” toy with apologies (which is not untrue, you did find it) and then have a kind but serious talk with your DS about taking things that he knows he shouldn’t.