Moral dilemma - should 6 year old DS be made to confess?

[Ricecrispiesatsix]

6 year old DS had a friend round yesterday to play Lego Star Wars. The friend brought a couple of figurines with him including the Emperor Palpatine and the boys played for hours together so nicely. It was really lovely to see DS (who has quite niche, geeky interests) find a school friend he connects with.

When it came to leave, the friend couldn’t find the Emperor Palpatine, we looked everywhere, DS offered to let him borrow his millennium falcon instead which was suspiciously generous of him….

Well you can probably guess what happened later. We found Emperor P hidden in DS’s “secret drawer”. He basically stole from his friend and lied to us about it. He was distraught and ashamed when we found out because he knows he made a bad choice.

He will of course be made to return Emperor P to the friend but should we make him own up to stealing it, or is it ok for him to simply say “I found it”? DS is worried his friend won’t want to play with him anymore. And that would be a shame. DS is generally a lovely gentle boy and he is remorseful, the temptation was just too much! I do want to teach him honesty though and worry if we don’t encourage him to confess we are saying that lying by omission is ok.

YABU - make him confess
YANBU - it’s ok for him to give it back and just say “I found it”

Let him give it back and say he 'found' it. He is six, this does not mean he is going to turn into a pathological liar or thief. The poster saying he will one day thank you for making him confess to the friend is deluded.

Jesus he's only 6. He feels remorseful, you've had words with him. Please let him tell his friend he found it.

He may well have not intended to keep it forever, in his mind he may have been borrowing it so he could continue playing with it. He's sorry and he knows he shouldn't have done it and knows what the consequences could be I think that is enough. You never know where it will lead if he confesses, his friend may tell everyone at school and all of a sudden Jimmy is a thief to all his classmates and all their parents, rather an excessive consequence.

Then she'll know that OP and her son have agonised over it and it's out of character.

Well, maybe not the OP's son, but I believe he feels bad.

He is 6 and distraught that he got caught out and doesn’t need further punishment, he knows he messed up and I very much doubt he’ll do it again.
You just need to say that you found it when you were tidying rather then risk the friendship, especially if socially he struggles to make connections.
Explain to him if he does it again he will have to tell the truth and that it’s stealing if we take things that don’t belong to us.

Id just say i found it and have appropriate punishment with DS. He'd be punished twice otherwise and it sounds likely he's learned his lesson.

It's quite likely the other boy's mum is on mumsnet and has just read this, so you've more or less just told them anyway 😂

Ahh he’s 6, he’s learning, he is already upset with himself. He’s old enough to understand that it was a bad choice and I doubt will want the feeling again. If he did do it again, you can say this time it’s the truth.

He likely took it, then realised his friend was really upset and didn’t know how to get out of it, so kept quiet, thereby making it worse!

I’d cut him some slack this time, he’s already learnt a good lesson.

You need to make it clear to your son that what he did was not acceptable and he needs to return it but I would just tell the friend that you found it.
He did something wrong but he shouldn’t risk losing his friend over it or have other parents not want him to come over/ have their children come to yours.

He's 6. Why would you destroy his friendship and make him a social pariah because he made the kind of mistake that 6-year-olds make? That's cruel and counter productive.

If you have such a rigid view about honesty I assume he also knows that Father Christmas and the tooth fairy don't exist?

Will you also be teaching him to be rigidly honest and tell his friends if he thinks their favourite new outfit makes them look ugly? To tell strangers in the supermarket that he thinks they're fat?

He can face consequences from you he doesn't need to with the friend at his age

The usual “ah he’s only 6”. We infantilise children a lot today, don’t teach them iron-clad morals and my personal view is this is why they grow up to be the adults we see (for example) as politicians, pathologically unable to be accountable for their mistakes.

Yes, he needs to confess. Not surprised to see the poll indicates only 14% of people agree with me, tho.

It sounds like your son was remorseful and that it won't happen again. I would have a serious conversation about it and go down the route of telling the friend that it had been found. I'd tell the friends mum the same so it does get returned.

Hopefully it's one off.

I doubt he will one day thank his mother if she did that!

Goodness me have you actually met a 6. Year old ?

😂

Of course he should own up to stealing the toy. He won’t learn thst you can’t take things otherwise. A similar thing happened when my daughter was about four. She had been admiring an acrylic ring which was part of a display in a bar we visited on holiday one night. The next day I saw her trying it on in our apartment. We went back to the bar as soon as it was opened and she told the owner that she had taken the ring. He was really kind and because she had been honest and returned the ring, he lwt her keep it. She never stole anything again as far as I’m aware.

Yeah children 6 years old should not be infantilised! Deffo going to turn them into pathological politicians, I mean I bet Boris was always nicking his mates Lego! It’s a gateway after all!

Honestly, give your head a wobble!

Surprised it’s as many as 14%, I assume 10% of those selected in error!!

Definitely just say you found it (I might do this myself to the other mum if you think your son is going to struggle talking to his friend about it). He is only 6, he's sorry and you can put it right.

The problem with trying to bring other people into it as a learning moment (eg by explaining to his friend what happened) is that you have no control over their reaction. Another 6yo isn't going to think, "ah, he's only 6 and he has learned his lesson"- they could well react badly and next thing you know half the class is calling your son a thief. That outcome would be completely disproportionate and overwhelming for your son.

This is really a tiny little thing even though it seems like a big deal at the moment. Keep it small.

He is accountable, to his mum who caught him out.

I agree with this, if only because I can't see how Emperor P is more desirable than the MF. I think it must be the novelty value of a character he doesn't normally have.

That doesn't justify the sneakiness and it sounds like he understands it was wrong. I'd just go with "We found it". There can't be many kids who haven't done something like this at some point, it's all part of learning to navigate a world with other people in it.

Not 10% of those, 10% of the total is leaving 4% choosing correctly!

I think it will be a very good lesson to be made apologise for stealing specifically. And I stole something as a child in similar circumstances.
it’s very effective lesson. (By all means speak to parents ahead of time so they are gracious in accepting this apology but it has to be made)
letting him say “I found it” is a cop out and will bite you later.

I’d let dc decide what he thinks would be best to do

if you make him confess and the friend then doesn’t want to be friends, this could prevent honesty with you in the future