What to do about long standing issue, with DC coming home exhausted from weekend with father

[Redruby2020]

So DS nearly 8, has been going to their father every weekend, well 3 a month as usually at my parents inbetween. For the last 5 years it will be soon.
No point going back in to everything, so if I go by the last year, I do expect some behaviours to come out when he returns, as I am aware and seem to hear it is normal to an extent with main carer etc.
There have been very few weekends where he is not over tired, routine responsibilities and bed time etc not the same. Plus if out in the day.
If he was with me, because I do everything else, we would have low key weekends, and in bed by 8.30/9pm which is what we do in the week days.

Anyway a few were not too bad near end of year. Then DF planned to go for trip back home and wanted DS to go with, it would of been his first time, i wasn’t okay with it for a few reasons, and said no.
So DF went.
DS was okay at first and very grown up towards things from his initial reaction. But after he went he was upset, anyway they had video calls etc.
So we did Christmas/New Year, and all lovely, returned to school DF was just returning. And so then came his first weekend to have DS since returning etc/school being back.

When DS returned I could see from his face how tired he was and obviously sad to leave his DF.

I had tears and upset for best part of the evening left. And how much he misses him etc. I put some of it down to that time apart, and it being a shock to the system going back in to those kind of weekends again. And a lot of it is tiredness.
We made it through and Monday was a struggle but done it.
For me on a regular basis after weekends etc my anxiety is bad over thinking worrying, it affects my sleep.
So last weekend I had 3 hrs sleep on the Sunday night, and it takes a few days to adjust. Then we are both good, but then the next weekend comes.

So this weekend his sister and hubby kids came down, I did not know not that I need to of course. It’s during his time. To celebrate the sisters youngest birthday.
Ex only has a room so they were all in together. So it will have been late by the time they came on Friday eve as few hours away.
Then too much going on and slept late I’m sure.
They then had Saturday out around London. Lovely and nice for kids seeing the sights. But adds to exhaustion. God knows when they finished and returned home. And what time they went to sleep.
Then Sunday they’ve had a birthday dinner in the late afternoon it seems.
Not long before DS returned which is usually at 6pm.

I have had pretty much two hours of crying saying he misses him etc, but I knew most of this was everything coming out from the weekend. And the extreme exhaustion.
If it was once in a while you can manage.
But when the other low key weekends are still up and down, it’s too much. I don’t feel bad in saying the mental emotional physical impact this is having on me, never mind our poor DS.

Before anyone asks, yes I have spoken to ex about this many many times. Occasionally it improved, other than that same old story.

I am not prepared to go through another year of it.
I don’t want to stop him seeing his father, nor do I think because of his lack of responsibility should I have more put on me or any life at all. It’s bad enough as it is.
But obviously not a situation that can go on as it is either.

Any advice or personal experiences will be greatly received.
Thankyou for reading everything if you have got this far, it is pretty long.

I’m assuming from this he doesn’t get to see him much hence the craziness and cramming things into a weekend. I don’t think it’s anyone’s fault tbh, and I don’t know that there’s much you can do, it’s just one of the horrible side effects of divorce

We’ve had years of difficulties when DC returns but that’s in a mostly stable weekly handover knowing DC has had little attention and no routine at the other house. As he has gotten older it has become better but only because DC has learned what to expect and manages that better these days. But in your case it does seem your son isn’t seeing his father very much so that might be making him more special. Which is hard to handle but ultimately you’ll be the important constant for your son so remember that when things get tough.

He misses his Dad, which is totally understandable and its great that they have busy, fun weekends also involving cousins etc. I would just put DS to bed extremely early on Sunday night. Possibly arrange for him to see Dad midweek too.

Can he see his dad during the week? Contact spread out more might be better for DS, a midweek night or two and an equal split of weekends with each of you. He misses his dad.

Are you getting help for your anxiety? Losing so much sleep because DS might have a busy fun weekend with his dad isn’t healthy for you and means when DS is back you’re strung out and shattered.

I'm sorry I know you're stressed but it doesn't sound like you're ex is doing anything wrong (based on what you've said)

Time and time again mumsnet is full of threads about fathers who do nothing all weekend with their children. It sounds like he is an engaged parent who is giving nice experiences to his son.

Tbh they don't sound different from a lot of weekends a nuclear family would have. We often have busy weekends where we're trying to cram everything in after working all week.

Your son just sounds upset because he loves and misses his father. I'm sorry but nothing you've listed here that the father is doing sounds unreasonable or out of the ordinary to me. You might just have to think about the best way to wind down in the evenings.

I think this is pretty typical. Does he need to go every weekend? It’s more usual nowadays to be every other weekend and some will also do a school pick up during the week every week too, plus extra in the school holidays.

His routine will always be out of whack regardless because it’s a different home with a different way of doing things. It’s really tough as a kid being shipped off every weekend, I did it my whole childhood so understand. I was allowed to stay up until like 1 or even 2 am at my dads and we always filled the weekends with lots of activities too so I know I was a nightmare for my mum when I went home. It’s one of the things you have to deal with when you split. You can’t tell him how to parent.

Consider dropping to every other weekend if possible.

Every weekend is too much. When do you get a weekend with your child? The usual arrangement would be alternate weekends and one or two nights in the week. No wonder he is exhausted.

I'm not sure what solution you want, you can't restrict his time with his dad because he misses him?

Could you put him to bed at 7pm on Sunday?
Or swap the contact schedule so he's with his dad in the week and you at the weekends?
Do a week on/week off schedule?

That doesn’t seem a huge amount to do for a 8 year old, and why does he go to your parents for one weekend a month. Can’t he just chill with you then? I guess if he only sees his dad 6 ish days a month they potentially try and fit too much in. Any chance he is poorly.

He doesn’t want you to be divorced. And so he’s crying.

Every weekend is unfair on everyone. Swap to every other weekend and one midweek night.

His dad sounds like he's rushing around and doing too much "fun" stuff. That's not OK. He needs to have chilled out time with his dad, parks, zoos etc. And no late nights dropping him home frazzled.

You need calm weekends together too.

His dad sounds like he's rushing around and doing too much "fun" stuff. That's not OK. He needs to have chilled out time with his dad, parks, zoos etc. And no late nights dropping him home frazzled.

You need calm weekends together too.

I didn’t res the whole thing but your child has the right to quality time with you too not just school nights so every other weekend would be better

Sounds like you need to work on your own anxiety. He misses his dad, stopping him from seeing him won’t make that any easier. Why does he go to your parents for a weekend but you never have a weekend with him?

Sorry, I don't quite understand the issue. Your son wants to spend time with his dad and misses him when he is not around. That seems normal to me. They do fun things together which is great. He feels a bit tired which is totally normal after a busy weekend. Why are you loosing sleep over it? What's the actual concern?

I agree. Perhaps the concern is that DC has such a good time that when they get home they cry that they miss him? I think it's great that Dad is so involved and that DC is so happy going there - not many separated families are that lucky. They will adjust as they get older.

If he is going to bed at 8:30/9 all week isn’t that quite late for an 8 year old? He is probably overtired generally rather than just because of Dad. Maybe he needs an earlier bedtime through the week too.

Your DS misses his dad. I don't think seeing him less will improve that. It also sounds as if you get very anxious when he is away so he'll be picking up on that when he comes back. Can you arrange midweek contact, even for only a couple of hours (dad takes him for tea or to an activity)? When do you think he will be old enough to go abroad with his father?

Im struggling to understand what your ex is doing wrong. I think its quite normal to do family things and days out on the weekends, and normal for him to miss his Dad as he doesnt see him much.

Your post come across that you are projecting quite a bit - why is it impacting your mental health so much? If DC is home by 6pm you have plenty of time to settle before bed. You talk about how you cant take much more, you didnt want him to go away with his dad etc but it sounds like dc is having a great time there. Do you have support for you? How do you keep busy when dc is at their dads and are you getting help for your MH issues? I think thats the key here, not reducing contact.

From what you have said i don't see anything wrong. It's normal to be tired because they are doing things together and have a busy time - thats absolutely normal and fine.

It's good your DS has a good impression of his dad and he seems to be involved in his life providing good experiences for them - absolutely normal.

I think its a little off you get so upset with your DS being with his dad and doing this. It's not really normal to be sitting crying about things for hours and its not normal to think this tiredsness will affect your DS's mental health nor yours.

I think you should speak to someone about your mental health.

You have to let his father parent as he chooses to. You aren’t in control of his contact time.

It does seem an odd schedule to have agreed to though. Can’t you suggest something better?

Thankyou, yes it does seem there are some normal sides, even if difficult ones, to being separated with children.

Thankyou yes you are right. When people say they don’t seem to see them much, it seems that it varies quite alot for others. As ours is more often than others, where some have mentioned every other weekend etc.

Yes there are some bits that are good.
I have said this to myself about getting him to bed a bit earlier. So when he comes home it’s just get changed etc, a snack and bit of relax time then ready for bed.
It is difficult though when a child is extremely exhausted which you can see even from his face. And hard to get him to do anything. He was crying on and off for nearly 2 hours lastnight.

I can’t understand how anyone with even a bit of empathy, and not being selfish thinking of myself, can not see how this would affect someone to go through it pretty much every time. It’s very stressful, when you add it on the weight you carry already as a single parent which I say that when you are doing pretty much everything.
And you may also have additional circumstances and health issues etc.