What to do about long standing issue, with DC coming home exhausted from weekend with father

[Redruby2020]

So DS nearly 8, has been going to their father every weekend, well 3 a month as usually at my parents inbetween. For the last 5 years it will be soon.
No point going back in to everything, so if I go by the last year, I do expect some behaviours to come out when he returns, as I am aware and seem to hear it is normal to an extent with main carer etc.
There have been very few weekends where he is not over tired, routine responsibilities and bed time etc not the same. Plus if out in the day.
If he was with me, because I do everything else, we would have low key weekends, and in bed by 8.30/9pm which is what we do in the week days.

Anyway a few were not too bad near end of year. Then DF planned to go for trip back home and wanted DS to go with, it would of been his first time, i wasn’t okay with it for a few reasons, and said no.
So DF went.
DS was okay at first and very grown up towards things from his initial reaction. But after he went he was upset, anyway they had video calls etc.
So we did Christmas/New Year, and all lovely, returned to school DF was just returning. And so then came his first weekend to have DS since returning etc/school being back.

When DS returned I could see from his face how tired he was and obviously sad to leave his DF.

I had tears and upset for best part of the evening left. And how much he misses him etc. I put some of it down to that time apart, and it being a shock to the system going back in to those kind of weekends again. And a lot of it is tiredness.
We made it through and Monday was a struggle but done it.
For me on a regular basis after weekends etc my anxiety is bad over thinking worrying, it affects my sleep.
So last weekend I had 3 hrs sleep on the Sunday night, and it takes a few days to adjust. Then we are both good, but then the next weekend comes.

So this weekend his sister and hubby kids came down, I did not know not that I need to of course. It’s during his time. To celebrate the sisters youngest birthday.
Ex only has a room so they were all in together. So it will have been late by the time they came on Friday eve as few hours away.
Then too much going on and slept late I’m sure.
They then had Saturday out around London. Lovely and nice for kids seeing the sights. But adds to exhaustion. God knows when they finished and returned home. And what time they went to sleep.
Then Sunday they’ve had a birthday dinner in the late afternoon it seems.
Not long before DS returned which is usually at 6pm.

I have had pretty much two hours of crying saying he misses him etc, but I knew most of this was everything coming out from the weekend. And the extreme exhaustion.
If it was once in a while you can manage.
But when the other low key weekends are still up and down, it’s too much. I don’t feel bad in saying the mental emotional physical impact this is having on me, never mind our poor DS.

Before anyone asks, yes I have spoken to ex about this many many times. Occasionally it improved, other than that same old story.

I am not prepared to go through another year of it.
I don’t want to stop him seeing his father, nor do I think because of his lack of responsibility should I have more put on me or any life at all. It’s bad enough as it is.
But obviously not a situation that can go on as it is either.

Any advice or personal experiences will be greatly received.
Thankyou for reading everything if you have got this far, it is pretty long.

I didn’t make allegations not sure where you got that from. Also saying that sounds like there are no facts.
They know about it.

Was even one of them who said ‘well at least’ he pays something lol never mind that we don’t know when or how much it will be.
Because well she had other families where the ex didn’t give a penny.

Nice idea, and I can see how lengthening out but less often could work. On the other hand I feel cruel to put DS through more exhaustion.
Because if he’s sleeping random bed times then got to go to school with an hour or more journey meaning he needs to be up a lot earlier and leave earlier to get there, I hate to think about it.

ExP would not go for it either as there are Fridays he has pulled out of. And also if he is working he can’t collect from school and that’s it, but everyone else has to carry on.
I think where DS has got used to things in terms of what’s happening when. He probably doesn’t mind too much about a weekend not with me, but I do get what you mean though.

When you say my level of anxiety, I mean basically after DS returns and what we both go through from that weekend, it will then bother me a lot obviously and lots of thoughts and I will wake and don’t sleep many hours.
Therapist I had was aware, they have closed my file for now, I don’t feel this is enough but this is how the services seem to be in many cases.
She did refer me to MIND but this was mainly to do with housing, I will explain when I get the chance further from anything they know, about this situation and how it affects me.

Do you work at weekends, @Redruby2020 ?

What I'm getting from you is resentment, to be honest. Your son arrives home really sad that he's had to leave his dad. I get that that might hurt somewhat. But your ex is doing nothing wrong. You should be glad that your son is happy there and having a good time. There are so many OPs on Mumsnet about children who don't want to go for their contact weekends, and the enormous stress and responsibility that that puts on their mothers.

Your answer (and that of many posters seems to be to resolve this by having your son spend less time with his dad. And frankly, that's just unkind.

Yes, it would be better if you got to have some fun at weekends with him, but since him being with you at the weekend seems never to have been part of the contact discussion, I can only assume that you work then, which would also explain him going to his grandparents for the fourth week. So in short, there really isn't a way to solve this without upsetting your child further.

Thankyou for your kind words. Yes you have summed things up pretty well.

I know you get told to let go etc let things go, it’s hard because this situation is not right and there seems to be only a few who agree that his time is to also parent.
And random bed times and doing too much in the day, is not making a child happy.

Yes I have started implementing trying to speed a few things up/cut other things out, it is hard to get DS moving when he upset and reluctant to want to do anything.

When you do 99% of everything no I don’t think there is anything wrong in having weekends to yourself, there are mothers who are crying out for that, but haven’t got exP around, or they won’t do it.

So you want him to have most weekends (your parents having the fourth) so you can have weekends to yourself but you want to control what he does with those weekends?

You keep alluding to other issues, MH, housing, but really these are nothing to do with how your son spends time with his dad.

Huh? He lives in a house with no sofa? Do you have any comfy seating? Down time can be had with pillows and duvets on the floor

Why did SS stop contact?

Same issue here, my eldest is 7 and youngest is 3. They get home at 5pm on a Sunday night. We have a routine which helps. Snack and drink in the car, straight into pjs (i help them do each step), tv or playing while I make the easiest same dinner every other Sunday so they have consistency and they know what is going to happen. Straight up the stairs to bed. They are usually in bed by 6.30pm at the very latest.

They are exhausted when returning. Emotionally draining, because their dad doesn't do much with them.

When they get upset or angry i offer hugs, repeat that they are safe and loved and stay calm because I know it isn't their fault.
Routine, predictability- a win here.

Also my kids go every other weekend, and one mid week stay every other week. School being in the middle of the two parents seems to help them regulate quicker, but still an early to bed night!

I think it's unreasonable to expect a young child to share one room with his Dad for a whole weekend, initially I thought you meant Dad just kept the child up having fun every night but to expect the little one to try and settle to sleep in the same room is not a good arrangement. I don't know about any official ruling (and it's none of my business) but I'd be surprised if this cramped living arrangement would be smiled upon. Is there any chance of him moving to somewhere with a separate bedroom do you think? You could then lay down some ground rules re bedtimes. I'm not surprised they're shattered and emotional - very trying for you both 💐

This is how some people are forced to live. I've done home visits where a family of three have lived in a single room. It seems as though OP is also struggling with housing.

It went be 'frowned on' by SS. More sympathised with.
The boy is happy to go there, he loves the time with his dad, presumably he's well cared for within those housing limits, so clearly the one room isn't a problem for him. And he's the person who counts.

So is your son complaining about being exhausted or are you projecting your issues onto it

Missing the point of thread, but...you have no sofa and no TV?

It sounds hard, and I agree that it would be good if he can sleep earlier, but you can't control that and I don't think his dad needs to stop taking him out at the weekends. It doesn't sound like there's a better option unless he moves closer so that he can have some week nights instead of weekends, but then bedtime is more important during the week. It's sad to see him get so upset, but that might just be the reality of the situation, he only gets to see his Dad at the weekend and that makes him feel sad, it's okay for him to express that and to cry and if anything id think he needs more time with Dad, not less. I can see how it would be awful to see him so upset though.

I get it @Redruby2020 . You are managing the emotional storms of your DS every 7 days, made worse by his exhaustion as the DF is not taking into account his energy levels as an 8 year old and packing too much in.

time to be ruthless, I can imagine how utterly exhausting it is and draining at the moment on you, managing this rhythm of life and being the strong empathetic boundaried constant parent as much as you can for DS.

So - if DF not taking advice to pace DS more and let him rest and sleep more at weekends.
-I’d recommend either looking at EOW so you also get some time of a weekend to do some fun relaxing things with DS, putting in a midweek visit as well as pp have mentioned
-Maybe don’t force him into school at all costs if he is wrecked sleep wise (people might not agree with this, but I kept dd off school when she was crying with tiredness on Monday morning, I had to carry her in, then she cried on the way home saying the teachers said she had to go to bed- then I insisted the arrangements are adjusted with longer gaps if he can’t let her rest more)
looking after yourself really well when he is with DF. You have earned this break, you are working extremely hard with your DS in a situation not everyone understands and you need regular rest (ideally lovely adult things you can’t do with an 8 year old in tow) or you will likely get ill.

As DS grows he will understand more and more which parent is doing the hard boring work of boundaries and bedtimes that actually help him grow and do all he needs to at school.

My sons are now grown men of 33 and 31. Their father left the marriage when they were 3 and 2 so there were many many years of weekends. On a Sunday they came back at around 5.30. I aimed for calm and peace because they were very ' hyper' when they came back. Scrambled egg on toast, leisurely bath, quiet time in their bedroom in pjs, reading, lights out by 7.30. Was the best thing. No tricky discussions, homework demands etc etc. Uniform etc would all be put ready the night before so the morning was easier. They loved their dad and enjoyed their weekends. He committed suicide 2 years ago. The years when they had time with their dad mean a great deal to them.

It might not be a missed point, this might be part of why he finds it so hard to come back.

I'm also surprised at the responses you have got.

I've had a child with 50/50 shared care from age 3 to now adulthood.

To some degree, I think it is inevitable that the child will always find adjusting hard when they switch houses at the end of a weekend. It's not just tiredness or routines, they're adapting to a completely different household and reality. I think it's just really tough. Still now in almost-adulthood I see my DC's behavioural issues after a change in household, but my ex complained about it the other way around too. It's the adjustment which is hard for them, and missing the other parent.

It is also not feasible in the long term to only do parenting, bedtime, homework during the week, so you will have to address it at some point.

My DC has done GCSEs. It's not possible once you hit secondary school to spend every weekend having fun and not sleeping.

Shared care is about minimising the effect of the divorce on the child. Trying to address their life as a whole and make sure they still see their friends on a weekend, have their homework done, maintain relationships with extended family etc. This is about your DC having a complete and well-rounded childhood, not about what you or your ex would like to spend your time with him doing. Balance and some fixed structures in his own weekends would help the level of upset he feels about missing his father.

Doesn't your DC have friends he sees at the weekend? Hobbies like football or swimming lessons? Birthday parties? Things which are important to him in his own life?

No-one would think that filling every weekend with non-stop go go go fun and not getting enough sleep would he OK if you lived together, so it's not OK because you don't.

Just saying- oh he needs the time with his dad to be super fun because he misses him is not looking at the overall impact on his life.

In the long run - sharing one room with his Dad isn't going to be feasible either. As he gets older, he's going to want to spend time with his own friends at the weekends, this is an inevitable part of growing up.

You're not unreasonable to expect your child's father to be a parent, not just a source of fun. He needs to do parenting things too.

It's never happened with my DC's other parent. My DC realised in the end he'd have to put himself to bed because he didn't like being tired, and insist he needed to do his homework over going out to see extended family. He didn't like the overall effect of being exhausted at school and getting in trouble for not doing his homework. But he was so old when he worked this out, it wasn't the best way this could have been done.

Address it now. Go back to mediation if you need to.

But also, try not to let your mood and lack of sleep be directed by your child's. It is upsetting to see him like that, but you can't fix it by worrying. You can't get someone out of a hole by getting in there with them.

I take it ex doesn’t drive if 2 buses

why hasn’t he learnt in the years of having ds

why is he living in a one bed place - or not getting a sofa bed for living room so that ds get a decent nights sleep alone in bedroom

It was a question. SS must have had reasons to recommend contact stopped. If they didn't come from concerns they raised where did they come from? Concerns from school, family, friends, convictions, police incidents...?

Mediation is rarely used in this sort of circumstance. If things were so bad that SS recommended stopping contact that would usually go to court. Where the concerns dropped or disproved?

I feel there's an enormous back story we aren't getting.

That's the whole point - longer periods of contact means ex has to deal with any consequences of tiredness. That would possibly mean he would learn to balance things better. As otherwise he would be dealing with a grumpy child on a school morning.

Does he share a bedroom with Dad at weekends? If so, he most likely wants to say there. They’re busy, it’s fun, there’s none of the homework or getting ready for school and then to top it off he gets to share a room with his Dad. All perfect for an 8 year old. It seems rather h fair on you though. Another advocate for every other weekend so you get some fun chilled time as well. I doubt he’ll still be enjoying this when he’s off to high school though! What are the exes plans for then?

I've only read your posts OP so apologies if this is a repeat.
DD is almost 6, I've been separated from her Dad for 18 months. Initially he did EOW but hasn't done overnight for 9 months but does still see her. This is not my doing. What i found and still find on days they've seen each other is that she returns with BIG feelings. When it was sleepovers i would ask for her to be back around 3/4pm to allow a couple of hours before dinner/bed etc also gives time to catch up on reading/homework that never gets done. Keep everything easy/low expectations - i avoided having people over/choose a safe dinner etc Ultimately though it sounds like a conversation is needed about what will work as DS is getting older - doesn't he want to see his own friends/go to their parties? Also, why do you only get the grunt work with no downtime to enjoy?

Yeah that’s what I was alluding to. I suspect there’s a massive backstory involving SS, possible questioning of the kids’ parents’ ability to parent (is that why mediation required kid to be looked after by other every weekend?), MH and possibly a heap of other issues in the mix which OP is deflecting to all be her ex’s fault.

SS have been involved on OP’s side according to previous posts.

Poor kid

Crikey to put it politely I think you seriously need help with stress and anxiety about nothing. No child of that age would cry for 2 whole hours unless they are feeding off your negativity and of course they miss dad. Fairly easy bath, chill with some nice snacks watcha but if tv when he gets back on a Sunday then early bed and make it a routine. None of my kids do homework on a weekend they have enough on there plate during the week. Make coming to yours a positive experience each weekend he comes back..also I wouldn't be letting every weekend but that's your choice every other weekend and 2 nights a week works so we both get good quality time with the kids on a weekend not just one parent. Ours mainly stay at grandparents in holidays not during school term that times for us to get a bond with the kids