What to do about long standing issue, with DC coming home exhausted from weekend with father

[Redruby2020]

So DS nearly 8, has been going to their father every weekend, well 3 a month as usually at my parents inbetween. For the last 5 years it will be soon.
No point going back in to everything, so if I go by the last year, I do expect some behaviours to come out when he returns, as I am aware and seem to hear it is normal to an extent with main carer etc.
There have been very few weekends where he is not over tired, routine responsibilities and bed time etc not the same. Plus if out in the day.
If he was with me, because I do everything else, we would have low key weekends, and in bed by 8.30/9pm which is what we do in the week days.

Anyway a few were not too bad near end of year. Then DF planned to go for trip back home and wanted DS to go with, it would of been his first time, i wasn’t okay with it for a few reasons, and said no.
So DF went.
DS was okay at first and very grown up towards things from his initial reaction. But after he went he was upset, anyway they had video calls etc.
So we did Christmas/New Year, and all lovely, returned to school DF was just returning. And so then came his first weekend to have DS since returning etc/school being back.

When DS returned I could see from his face how tired he was and obviously sad to leave his DF.

I had tears and upset for best part of the evening left. And how much he misses him etc. I put some of it down to that time apart, and it being a shock to the system going back in to those kind of weekends again. And a lot of it is tiredness.
We made it through and Monday was a struggle but done it.
For me on a regular basis after weekends etc my anxiety is bad over thinking worrying, it affects my sleep.
So last weekend I had 3 hrs sleep on the Sunday night, and it takes a few days to adjust. Then we are both good, but then the next weekend comes.

So this weekend his sister and hubby kids came down, I did not know not that I need to of course. It’s during his time. To celebrate the sisters youngest birthday.
Ex only has a room so they were all in together. So it will have been late by the time they came on Friday eve as few hours away.
Then too much going on and slept late I’m sure.
They then had Saturday out around London. Lovely and nice for kids seeing the sights. But adds to exhaustion. God knows when they finished and returned home. And what time they went to sleep.
Then Sunday they’ve had a birthday dinner in the late afternoon it seems.
Not long before DS returned which is usually at 6pm.

I have had pretty much two hours of crying saying he misses him etc, but I knew most of this was everything coming out from the weekend. And the extreme exhaustion.
If it was once in a while you can manage.
But when the other low key weekends are still up and down, it’s too much. I don’t feel bad in saying the mental emotional physical impact this is having on me, never mind our poor DS.

Before anyone asks, yes I have spoken to ex about this many many times. Occasionally it improved, other than that same old story.

I am not prepared to go through another year of it.
I don’t want to stop him seeing his father, nor do I think because of his lack of responsibility should I have more put on me or any life at all. It’s bad enough as it is.
But obviously not a situation that can go on as it is either.

Any advice or personal experiences will be greatly received.
Thankyou for reading everything if you have got this far, it is pretty long.

Yes will try, it does get hard with all the things to do in an evening. And kids do try to push it out later, and then it’s what falls in to a comfortable time that kind of works. No if he has a weekend like that with me he is a lot more rested, so bed time can’t be that bad.

He cried for nearly 2 hrs, that’s not having adequate time to do things to settle for bed. I do suffer with anxiety, and I am an over worrier and thinker. So no it doesn’t help. Yes having a good time, but then he shouldn’t be in that state when he comes home.

Did you take that as me crying for a couple of hours? I don’t get upset with DS being with his father, it was mostly me that helped organise it all from the start. It’s the aftermath that is hard.

Most kids dont cry for 2 hours because they are tired from the activities you describe. It sounds like the issue is he misses his dad, rather than it being linked with what he is doing and you do sound like you are projecting and perhaps he is picking up on that or knows that you arent happy that he has had a good time. Does he see his dad in between visits or can they face time in between visits?

What part of the schedule do you think is odd

The kid misses his dad. That's why he's crying. And your solution is for him to see his father even less?

Why doesn't the dad take the kid during the week and you see him on the weekends?

So do you never have weekends with your son? It’s odd that he goes to his Dad three weekends a month and then to your parents the remaining weekend. Unless I misunderstood that?

It seems that you think the dad needs to have him at the weekends to make up for the fact that he doesn’t do any other parenting tasks?

Maybe try changing it up a bit so he goes to Dad one weekend and is with you the next weekend, dad the following weekend and your parents the next. So he only has two really busy weekends which may help him with the tiredness.

i’ve said in pretty much every part about the state our DS has been in, I don’t think that’s just focusing on myself.
I love all these people that make fathers seem like the poor victims that it’s so terrible for them that they only get to see their child when they do.

You sound like a very kind and caring Mum but equally his Dad sounds involved and is doing his bit.

I think your anxiety about this situation is probably feeding this a bit too, more than you might realise because kids read energy immediately.

He loves you, he loves his Dad. He is safe enough with you to let off his emotions from missing his Dad, a really good sign but I’d say this gets magnified by your anxiety about this situation so it ends up being worse than it needs too.

Straight into a bath and a book when he gets in from Dads to wind down then food if necessary and then to bed. If you can both manage the anxiety around this I think it could improve quickly.

I’m really surprised by the responses you’re getting here. Contact time is for the non-resident parent to parent. That means enforcing bedtimes, supervising homework, etc. And if that doesn’t leave much time for “fun” stuff, then it’s just tough luck - how would it be different if the parents were together? Contact time is for the child’s benefit, not the parent’s.

It sounds like your ex is being a Disney dad, and I don’t know why other posters are acting like that’s ok.

Do you have an idea of when DS goes to bed at his dad’s house? Relaxing bedtime by half an hour or so is one thing, but if it goes much beyond that then I think it’s unreasonable. Kids at this age wake up at the same time regardless of when they go to sleep.

I think a more reasonable schedule would be every other weekend plus one overnight mid week. If your ex has work, then it looks like he has to pay for after school care and work out the bus schedule like lots of other working parents. The benefit is that hopefully DS would have it out of his system by the following evening, and you have a bit more leeway for an earlier bedtime.

I also agree with others that you need to nix the weekends with your parents.

Otherwise, it sounds exhausting and unfair for you to deal with the fallout of these visits, while your ex gets to be Disney dad.

It’s interesting your parents have the weekend because that’s what was agreed in mediation. Why was mediation even necessary?

You don’t even seem bothered about the fact that you have no weekends - again this is unusual.

And you’ve questioned what someone meant when they suggested he could be crying because he’s ill - surely it’s obvious what was meant by that.

You've admitted you’re highly anxious - forgive me but your posts suggest more than that, and I suspect this is what your ds is picking up on. Do you have any external support?

contact time is precious especially to DS so drop the unnecessary weekend per month with grandparents and replace it with parent time.
It sounds like 2 late nights per week is too much. DH needs to have somewhere that DS can go quietly to bed by 9pm at the latest. Is there a living room even where he can sit after DS goes to bed?

My solution would be that DP has your son one night every weekend and brings him home by 4pm on Sunday so you can help him wind down for bed before he is mega tired and emotional. That would be 4.5 visits and 4.5 nights per month rather than 3- 4 visits / 6-8 nights .

But you’ve decided that it’s tiredness which is making him cry, when it could just as easily be that he misses his dad. And in every post about his state, it’s framed as how hard it is for you, and your anxiety.

I also don’t understand why he couldn’t take him on holiday. If he takes you to court over this, he’d more than likely be granted holiday access.

OP you have posted this in AIBU. I recommend that you either report your post and ask for it to be moved to relationships, or, post another thread in relationships.
That board is full of women dealing with weekend disney dads and you might find it more helpful.

Thankyou, well I part posted it in here as it was as the title says, plus to kind of ask AIBU. And you sometimes get more responses.

So the kid is upset cause he doesn’t see his dad enough.
let him see his dad more?

Some things you can control but other things you can’t do ignoring what you can’t control, is focus on planning a structure with him (involve ds in the plan venue he goes to df). When he gets back home, plan for a quite film night snuggled on the sofa in pjs - let him choose the film before going to df so he’s not overwhelmed when he gets back, knows what’ll happen and can calm into the structure. My friend also got her son a pet (a lizard) so he could get home and go and check on him - gave him something to focus on that wasn’t mum v dad and all those emotions.

It is precious in one way yes, with regards to grandparents, this has been going on for quite a few years, so DS is used to this now really. And they are used to it too, so seems a bit cruel to cut it all off.

Yes I can agree that 2 late nights a week is too much. It will be hard to change it and although we do have to respect DS’s wishes, and he will be upset if it needs to be changed then so be it.

You are one of the only ones to agree about a bedtime needing to be earlier there. Not sure if you’ve seen all my post and other replies.
But no, ex only has a room. I have been told there are times ex has fallen asleep and DS still awake.

Believe me lol those who seem to really rate these fathers. He would be over the moon to have Fridays back to himself. And earlier finish Sunday. But will no doubt not jump for joy to do the weekend he used to get off.
There have been times where he has randomly just not done his usual time etc.

Lovely idea thankyou for the suggestion. Unfortunately we don’t have a sofa as I have. Kitchen/living kind of room. No television either, as there is no aerial, I rent and could well have to leave now. I will have to think up other options.

He sees him 3 weekends a month, I have been told on here many only do 3 a month.
I don’t doubt he misses him and would like more time, but he doesn’t realise nor should he have to, that he is being run all over the place then up late different bed times and late, which is behind some of what is making him so emotional.

They said could he be poorly, which I have heard/read on other posts, for some it’s not too much and if a child is wiped out could there be underlying issues. So this is why I asked what kind of things they were thinking of.

Mediation was set up by exP as contact was stopped on the advice of SS.

When you do 99% of everything no I don’t think there is anything wrong in having weekends to yourself, there are mothers who are crying out for that, but haven’t got exP around, or they won’t do it.

Sorry I meant to add what kind of external support do you mean

I would look at increasing the length of weekends but reducing the frequency. Ex picks up from school Fri and drops at school on Mon, or even to Tues. That means he has to deal with more of the consequences of being tired and school runs etc. If you did that alternate weeks it would give everyone more quality time together. Less rushing around might mean things are more balanced at ex's house too.

I think your child will grow up to hugely resent never getting a weekend with his mum. It makes no sense at all. Is it actually that you need a break?

I can totally understand how awful it is having a child upset and tired after contact. But your level of anxiety isn't normal unless you feel your son isn't safe there e.g. was it an abusive relationship?

Why does he have such substantial contact if SS recommended against it? Did you make allegations that were dropped or ruled against?

Thankyou so much, despite responses I have had, none of it was just to have others agreement etc to my ways.

Everything you have said is exactly how I think and feel.
It is no surprise that there is a world of men like this, when I suspect some at least of the replies are from women.

It has been deemed that I’ve got something wrong with me. And why is it about me, when I have said over and over how exhausting it is for DS. But no nothing wrong in saying it is exhausting for me too, I think despite what type of person you are, I think most would find this difficult, and I am told by those who never get a break or much of one, oh you are so lucky. But we just about get over the last Sunday by mid week DS and I are good. And then the next weekend comes and oh yeah lol a ‘break’ when your system is exhausted from the result of the last one, and life is difficult busy as it is, as any parent knows. And then even if it is a good break, the child is exhausted and I’ve got to deal with it, when it’s not my fault kind of thing.

No bedtime can be 9/9.30/10/10.30/11pm or I hate to think, even later. It is very up and down. Also if they are out etc, depends what they are doing/when they get back.