What to do about long standing issue, with DC coming home exhausted from weekend with father

[Redruby2020]

So DS nearly 8, has been going to their father every weekend, well 3 a month as usually at my parents inbetween. For the last 5 years it will be soon.
No point going back in to everything, so if I go by the last year, I do expect some behaviours to come out when he returns, as I am aware and seem to hear it is normal to an extent with main carer etc.
There have been very few weekends where he is not over tired, routine responsibilities and bed time etc not the same. Plus if out in the day.
If he was with me, because I do everything else, we would have low key weekends, and in bed by 8.30/9pm which is what we do in the week days.

Anyway a few were not too bad near end of year. Then DF planned to go for trip back home and wanted DS to go with, it would of been his first time, i wasn’t okay with it for a few reasons, and said no.
So DF went.
DS was okay at first and very grown up towards things from his initial reaction. But after he went he was upset, anyway they had video calls etc.
So we did Christmas/New Year, and all lovely, returned to school DF was just returning. And so then came his first weekend to have DS since returning etc/school being back.

When DS returned I could see from his face how tired he was and obviously sad to leave his DF.

I had tears and upset for best part of the evening left. And how much he misses him etc. I put some of it down to that time apart, and it being a shock to the system going back in to those kind of weekends again. And a lot of it is tiredness.
We made it through and Monday was a struggle but done it.
For me on a regular basis after weekends etc my anxiety is bad over thinking worrying, it affects my sleep.
So last weekend I had 3 hrs sleep on the Sunday night, and it takes a few days to adjust. Then we are both good, but then the next weekend comes.

So this weekend his sister and hubby kids came down, I did not know not that I need to of course. It’s during his time. To celebrate the sisters youngest birthday.
Ex only has a room so they were all in together. So it will have been late by the time they came on Friday eve as few hours away.
Then too much going on and slept late I’m sure.
They then had Saturday out around London. Lovely and nice for kids seeing the sights. But adds to exhaustion. God knows when they finished and returned home. And what time they went to sleep.
Then Sunday they’ve had a birthday dinner in the late afternoon it seems.
Not long before DS returned which is usually at 6pm.

I have had pretty much two hours of crying saying he misses him etc, but I knew most of this was everything coming out from the weekend. And the extreme exhaustion.
If it was once in a while you can manage.
But when the other low key weekends are still up and down, it’s too much. I don’t feel bad in saying the mental emotional physical impact this is having on me, never mind our poor DS.

Before anyone asks, yes I have spoken to ex about this many many times. Occasionally it improved, other than that same old story.

I am not prepared to go through another year of it.
I don’t want to stop him seeing his father, nor do I think because of his lack of responsibility should I have more put on me or any life at all. It’s bad enough as it is.
But obviously not a situation that can go on as it is either.

Any advice or personal experiences will be greatly received.
Thankyou for reading everything if you have got this far, it is pretty long.

The involvement of SS is 100% crucial to your post.

As three random extreme examples (entirely made up given you aren't giving anything away)

Scenario A - ex was stopped from seeing your son by SS due to proven abuse towards you and the children. You have been ignoring these recommendations and going ahead with contact anyway.

Scenario B - allegations were made against ex to SS that were entirely disproved. Instead it was discovered that op was not coping well so it was recommended that child was looked after by Dad and grandparents during weekends but op kept as residential parent due to being settled at school.

Scenario C - ex was on drugs so contact was stopped by SS. Ex has turned his life around and so contact is increased.

I'm not saying any of these are correct. But merely giving them as examples of how totally different circumstances involving SS would lead to very different advice and suggestions.

Whether your child is autistic, or perhaps has something else like FASD or trauma, routine and sleep could well be problematic. Seeking more support from CAMHS and SS sounds like a good way forward - disability social workers are usually brilliant.

If your child may be ND have you considered this for yourself?

It is and it isn’t as that’s not affecting the bed times etc as already mentioned.

Though it was only said as a suggestion it has been mentioned somewhere else in the thread, about weekends being organised for me.
Not at all lol, I explained in another reply that setting up a routine was done via Mediation.

Setting up weekends was about organising time for child/father to see one another.

When the weekends were sorted with ex, my DM then said could we have one of the weekends, as otherwise we won’t see him etc, at the time we just said okay we’ll do xyz it’s not written in stone, and it was nice he could go, but again, as I’ve said in a few replies, things do have to be changed and adapted accordingly.

In regards to mr being ND i don’t know how would many of us know. Bearing in mind these are all sorts of things we never used to get assessed for. I guess the GP is the best place to start for things like that.

Routine and sleep aren’t a problem not for child alone 🤦‍♀️ again going back to the original post it was about his father not keeping a regular bedtime.

In regards to holiday sorry you didn’t mention this in your reply but just adding it here, because a few had asked so will reply here, to be honest although I am not saying I can blame someone else because then it comes down to my choices too.
My DM put me off the trip back home, she knows some of our history and knows things have at times been up and down with my exP. I think, we’ll know, one person can rub off on another. She was the one who said I don’t feel good about it lol, and that he would really need to go there as an adult(I know absolutely ridiculous)that he would miss me, be bored etc. Which despite any of my hang up’s, I said no that’s not the case there would be lots of family there, including on that occasion lots of kids, they wouldn’t just sit in the home in a village. Anyway not blaming my mother but just giving a bit of context.

Why does your mum get to dictate so much? You don't have any weekend time with your son - because of your mum. He didn't get to go on the holiday - because of your mum.

I think you need to start thinking more about you and your son, rather than what your mum wants.

My kids are at a sleepover, or their friends sleepover here at least twice a month.

Both my kids have activities on every night of the week apart from a Friday. At the weekend we need to be out the house due to their activities for 7am on a Saturday morning and we don't get back til maybe 7pm. Sunday we have activities on the go from 9am til lunchtime. Neither suffer from tiredness.

As for homework, my DD at highschool does it twice a week and my 9 yr old can do his in 20 mins. Homework isn't a big deal tbh.

I agree. The schedule OP is describing doesn't sound over the top for an 8 yo at all.

I think it’s a case of when you tell too much, and then if you have similar thoughts/anxieties about things, then she’s said more. But there is a jealousy too in some ways about DS having other family, I reminded her that DS does have another grandmother etc.

I mean not based on one no, but others have agreed random bed times every weekend etc are not good.
I can agree though, that aside from what people have said is normal with going between the two houses etc. Emotions and anything else that has been normalised too.
Then overall the rest of it seems that maybe there should be a health checkup or looking at any additional needs, if DS’s reactions see more than they should be.

**You clearly don't work and pap your ds off every single weekend and you wonder why he's upset and disregulated? You need to grow the fuck up and do right by your child, not you.

ConsiderIng that many thought the time spent was not enough, I find that an odd response. If you are separated and child is at school in the week days etc, then when do you suggest they see their other parent, and that parent, parents.

Most do 50/50 so every other weekend and maybe 1-2 nights

What do you do all weekends as child free?

We are doing a 3/3/4/4 pattern (so 3 nights each then 4 nights each).

Every Sunday, Mon & Tues night with me
Every Weds, Thurs, Fri night with ex
We alternate the Saturday day/night and Sunday day time.

Once a fortnight I have Sat morning- Weds school drop off and the following week he has Weds school pick up - Sunday evening.

It works for us to have set days as I have a long commute on office days so helpful to not have DD those days so I’m not panicking about being on time, I have her when I WFH so maximises the time together and means I can do her clubs and activities.

We split school holidays 50/50. We see grandparents every school hol and usually once a month in between as not local.

That depends if you are fully 50/50 in every way, many are not. So what works for some, doesn’t work for others.

That’s not a bad arrangement, and again great if it works for you, it would be hard to organise this with ex, and it wouldn’t be great for DS because of exes housing. So what works for one doesn’t always work for the other.

Yes that makes sense re: grandparents and holidays/not being local.

True but you have to admit it’s very rare for the mum to have no weekends with the child /ren

Only those who have no ex partner around, or less contact. I am surrounded by people who did the same, and one lady who as it’s seen as ‘palming off’ her child to her family every single weekend and in the holidays, no father on the scene. Where as I do actually spend time with my child. Also with the grandparents weekend we have practically most of the Sunday together too. Many struggled to get their heads around it. But I have read many posts on here where regardless even if it was for work purposes, people posting about grandparents, and rather what they won’t do.
I know for a fact there are many who would love to be nearer. And so it worked at the time, that doesn’t mean things would stay the same forever.
I have also had weekends with my child.

My mother would also do holidays too, which is lovely, but we took on more of that time, whereas others seem to send their kids in the holidays.

I've genuinely never heard of a parent having a routine like yours. Most single mums who only get one weekend a month would be desperate for that quality time.

I used to have alternate weekends and would always organise personal stuff during ex's weekend so I wouldn't miss out on time with my kids. My parents would come and join in with us.

50-50 is exactly that, everyone pays for their own. The kids might want certain clothes or toys to go with them when they go to the other parent but thats fine, otherwise each parent pays for what they do. You want to go on holiday you pay for it, if they want to go on holiday they pay. An easy concept really.

i think some adults need to take a step back and stop being so territorial about their kids, they are people, not possessions or to be used as weapons... treat them as such and no you don't know whats best all the time.

Amy..is that you?

This sounds hard going for sure.Sadly I think its par for the course in part.Can you see if you can do EOW maybe .That will give you time on your own with DS as well.Also maybe an evening during the week ?I think at 8 hes probably missing Dad and small boys like a role model .Of course he loves you too very much . You can only rearrange contact ,Not stop it or try to supervise it .

No, does it sound like someone else’s situation they have too.

No, they send them to GPs in the holidays because they have to go to work. They don't just send them so GPs can bond and they can have a break.

DC wasn’t sent so GP’s could bond with him lol. We also had to stay with them some years ago or be out on the street, and so there was a lot of emotions for my son who clearly struggles too, depending on what background issues there are, and getting help for that.
So at the time it seemed like a good idea. Unless you are in other people’s shoes, you wouldn’t know what it means to have a break, especially under certain circumstances.

I'm just pointing out as you seem to think it's the norm to have the child at GPs regularly when the parents are not at work, that this is not particularly common. Sometimes we will visit my parents on the weekend and whilst we're there DD will ask for a sleepover, and we will pick up the next morning, and even more occasionally we will go somewhere in the evening and they will babysit overnight, but I don't know anyone who routinely has the GPs have their child for whole weekends.

It was my mother’s suggestion after we had stayed with them, and when sorting out contact with father. It was a difficult time I really don’t want to get in to it all. And my DS got attached. This would have wore off I am sure in time. Anyway at the time it seemed like a good idea, and carried on. I guess I felt I owed them something. So now it feels a bit cruel to break it. I don’t think it can be said in every case that what is normal for one, is not for another and that makes it officially wrong.

I see many different set up’s with different families. For example one who her DC goes every weekend to her family because she has no father on the scene. And in the holidays a lot too. Mine was at home for the half term so 🤷🏻‍♀️